To be suspicious about DH

[JustMissNobody]

i can’t sleep and been going out of my mind all day wondering what the hell is going on and what to do. DH announced he was taking a week off on Friday out of the blue, he’s self employed. No mention of intentions of doing so prior to this. And then followed this with he thinks he’ll go away for a few days or a week. I was dumbstruck.

firstly because this is so far out of character to just take time off without mentioning anything prior and I’ve asked about us going away so many times just for even a couple of days if he can’t take a week off and he’s consistently told me he can’t because of work, or other commitments. His other commitments have also been miraculously dealt with too. So from telling me on Friday afternoon, he’s booked a holiday leaving Sunday morning for 5 days, and all this as apparently been dealt with with no pre planning.

its so not like him and going away solo? I never dreamed in a million years he’d be someone that could do that, he’s not a very social person, doesn’t go out drinking etc. I asked him if he was going with someone and he totally went off the deep end. He went upstairs about 2.30 this afternoon packing for his trip and he’s been sat in the bedroom ever since and refusing to speak to me. I’m now in the spare room because he’s still got a face on with me and ignoring me. WTAF?

Op do let us know how your doing? Hoping you’ve had a wake up. Like the posted said upthread. Get his things in a bin bag and get them out the house, how dare he treat you like this. I could never imaging a world where a husband would treat his wife like this. Not even sharing details of the holiday and when he’s likely to return. So very odd. Whatever is the problem for him he does not like you never mind love you. He deserves to be in the gutter for treating you like this. People give their pets more love before they leave on a trip! Honestly: sending lots of strong thoughts to help you through this. X

Managed to miss a bunch of updates.

That's excellent news the house is in your name only. Definitely consult a solicitor. The marital home thing might not be as clear cut when he hasn't been contributing and it's not an asset. His business on the other hand IS an asset so he might not be as reluctant to leave as you think.

Gather your paperwork, you have been supporting him.

I know you are in emotional hell right now but you absolutely will get through this. You are in a strong position. Don't give him the chance to tell you he's ending your marriage. He's disrespected you long enough and raised your daughter to do the same.

I'd lose my keys and since he's taken his with him, have no choice but to get the locks changed ... good reason to take key from daughter too.

It's OPs house.

Daughter be gone.

I don't think the OP owns the house, though, it is the rental contract which is in her sole name.

it’s absolutely not legal to “kick him out” of the marital home by changing the locks, and would be hugely counterproductive. He could get the police involved.

OP no wonder you're shaking, upset and angry today.
He's just literally walked out of your marriage.
What an absolutely horrible thing to happen to you.

Re working all the time (as in the above post), he has very likely been having an affair and his increased workload is due to spending his supposed work time with her.

I can't quite believe his brass neck from not telling you what his earnings are. He has been effectively preparing to leave you for the past twelve months.

By separating his accounts, he knows everything about you and you don't know the same information about him. He's been very cunning indeed. Why couldn't he have sat down with you and told you he wanted to separate? He's a coward. How dare he treat you like this.

As for your DD are you sure she doesn't know more than you think? My work colleague was blinded when her husband left their marriage. She later found out that their eighteen year old daughter had gone looking for apartments with him and was well aware he was preparing to move out. Of course he stayed in the apartment for a short time only before moving in and then marrying the OW.

Your emotions are totally understandable but you have a few days to get some things sorted. If you can, let your work know what is happening and possibly take emergency leave.
Gather all evidence you can and store away from the house. Potentially find a way of getting into his car.....claim lost keys and get someone in!
See a solicitor asap.
Pack up all his stuff ready for him to collect on his return on Friday. Get the locks changed and don't let DH back in or give your DD a key (as she could easily pass to him) for the moment.
Update your landlord about the situation too, just to keep him in the loop.
Be prepared to call the police if he kicks off - he's basically deserted you by his actions. Take back control.
Good luck

He managed to discuss his "holiday" plans with his daughter but not his wife. In front of his wife.

Burnout or not, it's not his wife's fault. Her mental health is being destroyed by the way he treats her.

Not to insult anyone.
However, it really pays off to stay alert and only rely on yourself, even with the closest people.
Us humans develop faults.
That's why I advised OP for a single life, when the dust settles I'm sure it will eventually be relaxing and 💩 free.

I agree

If you hire a PI and he’s being unfaithful, he can’t take what you have…

If it's a rental property and in your name only, can you hand in your notice and rent somewhere on your own? He isn't legally entitled to follow you to your new rental?

He can have the house, put it into his name and pay for it himself too. Your DD can live with him too if she's been brainwashed into believing she'll be happier with him.

Yes he can! Fidelity has zero effect on the disposition of assets.

Not true, and also divorces in UK are non-fault now so will play no part in divorce proceedings

I’m sorry OP but regardless of whether he had an OW (he does) your marriage is dead anyway. He neither likes nor respects you.
Don't waste this time playing detective, spend it productively planning how to separate.

Can you hand in notice on the tenancy? If you can just don't tell anyone then give DD the option to come with you if you want her there.

Read all of @JustMissNobody posts.

She's far from stupid. This man doesn't have her financially dependent on him either, his earnings are irrelevant at this point. Yes he's financially abusive because he doesn't pay his fair share but the house is hers, she has a good income and when she gets rid of him she will be better off. He won't be.

He transfers money to her account so it's not hard to find out who he banks with, when her head is clear it will take her a couple of minutes.

His business is a martial asset, his bank accounts aren't going to be secret for long.

Ahh I didn’t realise that change.

Spend the time he’s away seeing a divorce lawyer and make some big decisions on your own. Find another smaller property and give notice on the property. DH and DD can fend for themselves (D standing for disloyal in this case).

Self employed trade business, I think he’d be very good at hiding assets, actual earnings if needed. It’s looking like he’s been hiding so much from me for so long and I’ve been too bloody dumb to realise 🤬

His mental health can't be too bad if he was chatting and laughing about possible destinations with his daughter. In front of his wife.

OP, you are not dumb. It completely normal to trust your spouse, especially since you've been together for so long. You are a nice person who treats others with decency and respect, and you could not have imagined your H would not do the same.

Does he use his car for his business travel? I think you really need to get into it.

Naturally, you can't put it out of your mind. You are engulfed in a living, emotional crisis delivered in a brutal fashion and the only thing you can do is to get help to deal with it. As you feel vulnerable and afraid that he can take what you have, the most vital and urgent thing to protect yourself and your financial and legal position is to go to a solicitor before you do anything else or take any decisions.

Sadly, there is no 'Darling' Daughter or Husband here so you must do what you have to, lining up a professional to advise and fight your corner. This will enable you to decide and plan next steps armed with knowledge and protection of your position in law. Your options will gradually become clearer and with this help you will find a way forward in dealing with living and financial decisions. Help or advice is available from Women's Aid or other voluntary organisations if you need additional practical or emotional support.

I worked with a woman who found out after 25 years her husband had another woman on the go for nearly all of that. My colleague only found out when her DH was buying a house with the OW and the OW's sister decided this was a step too far and called my colleague. Turned out my colleague's son had known for a very long time as kids at school knew and had told him. Neither my colleague had fabulous wealth that enabled this - she just had no idea what he spent his money on and never asked him as she held a very old fashioned view about what being a wife was.

I would text him asap, really throw off his little holiday with his OW. Why wait til his return when you can ruin his fun.

“Hello John. I have decided to end our marriage. I have given notice on our rental property, you have until X date to remove all your belongings and find somewhere else to live. On your return to the UK I request all communication regarding our divorce is through my solicitor Mrs X. I hope you enjoy your break away in Spain.”

And then ignore ignore ignore any response from him.