To be suspicious about DH

[JustMissNobody]

i can’t sleep and been going out of my mind all day wondering what the hell is going on and what to do. DH announced he was taking a week off on Friday out of the blue, he’s self employed. No mention of intentions of doing so prior to this. And then followed this with he thinks he’ll go away for a few days or a week. I was dumbstruck.

firstly because this is so far out of character to just take time off without mentioning anything prior and I’ve asked about us going away so many times just for even a couple of days if he can’t take a week off and he’s consistently told me he can’t because of work, or other commitments. His other commitments have also been miraculously dealt with too. So from telling me on Friday afternoon, he’s booked a holiday leaving Sunday morning for 5 days, and all this as apparently been dealt with with no pre planning.

its so not like him and going away solo? I never dreamed in a million years he’d be someone that could do that, he’s not a very social person, doesn’t go out drinking etc. I asked him if he was going with someone and he totally went off the deep end. He went upstairs about 2.30 this afternoon packing for his trip and he’s been sat in the bedroom ever since and refusing to speak to me. I’m now in the spare room because he’s still got a face on with me and ignoring me. WTAF?

@JustMissNobody your husband doesn't sound like a nice man and your daughter should mind her own business. Her attitude towards you is disrespectful, I would be raging with her. If I was in your situation I'd be out of there. Buy yourself a nice place and start living. And no more tears. Good luck.

What is the matter with these stupid, stupid men and why can't they live like normal human beings????!!

When I was with my abusive ex-husband I had to call the police on several occasions and they said he should leave for the night because I had no visible injuries but that he had a right to return to the marital home the next day. When I got a flat in my name only he started to make an exit plan - an OW so he had somewhere to live when I finally had enough. I borrowed from family for a deposit on a small house, over 20 years ago now.

If this was burnout he'd have no reason to get defensive when you ask him if anyone else was going. The only reason there is for getting defensive and being so secretive about it all is that he is going with someone else that he doesn't want you to know about. And I say that as someone who has been on holiday alone and with a friend many, many times while married.

There's a reason you've not been getting on for the last however long OP and it's because there's someone else involved. The way he's dragged your dd into this and gas lit her as well as you is frankly sickening. Don't be upset or swayed by her, she can't see the wood for the trees right now. This is over OP, start deciding where you want to live and what you want to do. Personally I'd have told him that if he goes on this holiday he's not to bother coming back afterwards. What a piece of shit he is.

Keep clearing your internet history too, in case your daughter is using the same device. Or change the pass codes on your devices.

I think the daughter has her eyes on the money from her father's company. She's disrespectful to her mother; something's going on there and I imagine it has everything to do with what she can get from sucking up. Scummy behaviour and if I were the OP, when this is all over - I would be telling my daughter what I think of her behaviour.

OW or whatever, it doesn't matter - her husband's behaviour is the only pertinent thing and the sooner OP gets away from him - with her rightful dues - the better.

This, it’s very common. I’ve even seen this in cases of domestic abuse sadly.

Also unpopular opinion but the daughter is also a victim of this whole situation too and she is already involved by virtue of living at home and being part of the family but aside from the fact I wouldn’t trust her right now, I don’t think it’s fair she should be used to get or pass on information and put in the middle any more than she already is.

I’ve already stated upthread she’s bang out of order and is part of the gaslighting, but she’s also a victim if she’s been raised in a household where the model of a marriage that was presented to her was so toxic and one-sided.

Hopefully she will reflect on this eventually as she’s not exactly a small child but right now she’s been raised up to now to think this unhealthy one-sided relationship is normal , if OP has accepted their horrible marriage without much apparent fuss.

Admitting how bad it is will be very traumatic as she has to acknowledge what an awful guy her dad is and what a terrible marriage her parents have had for the duration of her childhood and adult life so far. I can imagine that can mess with someone’s head.

From a young age I was quite feminist and could clearly see when my Dad was being crap, misogynist and unfair - and I’d side with my mum over him a million times to this day. But I realise that was because my Mum didn’t tolerate his nonsense and financial abuse and turfed him out when I was very young, so I didn’t live with financial abuse and his disrespect being normalised.

No need for that. So many women find themselves in positions like this because it's something that has developed by 'creep'. Instances are generally small/are accepted and then just add and add rather than intensify.

Don't blame the OP for this and don't refer to her as stupid either. She isn't but doesn't need your scorn on top of that.

Oh just fuck off with your victim blaming. Absolutely none of this is the OP's fault.

Focus on getting an appointment with a solicitor asap.

You may not be able to kick him out of the property, but I don't see that if YOU were to move out theres any legal obligation for you to keep paying for him to live there?

Do NOT buy anything though... until you have divorced him. I also don't see how he can take you for everything you have. He can't demonstrate that his earnings are lower because, for example, he gave up a career to raise children (which is often why the wife does get a lot of what the ex husband has)... can he?

You've bankrolled him a long time - that needs to stop now.

Also, stop discussing it with your daughter. Who knows what her agenda is, but no good will come of it, and shes potentially in for a very nasty shock. Better to just get on with what you need to do and leave her out of it for now.

My advice: book a flight, go to the beach for a week, take a few good books, flirt with the beach boys, enjoy your Pina coladas and get a tan. Once he gets back and asks "where did you go" just tell him: "None of your business". Life is too short to be putting up with mens crap, you deserve better. Enjoy your trip.

If he's not paid anything you need to get some finances sorted.

Check entitledto

It's a joint tenancy so you can't kick him out but he can't kick you out either, you can ask him to leave if you can afford (or want) to stay there alone. You can also call 101 and tell them you are asking him to leave if you anticipate he may become violent or aggressive and they will put an alert on 999 calls. I recommend you do that anyway as at this point you can't predict his behaviour.

Do all the practical things you can possibly do to keep your mind focused on them. Call a solicitor tomorrow.

Since he is gone. Give your 26 year old daughter her marching orders too. Let her go stay in a hotel for a few days.

Bite back the tears and don't let either of them see you have been broken. You can do this. You deserve a life being treated better. Fight for it 💪 💐

Opus it a possibility for you to book a few days away?

I think you can apply for an Occupation Order on the basis of financial coercive control, if the house is in your name only and he has only been contributing £400/month. especially if he has now stopped paying you any money. but take legal advice on that before he gets back.

I'm so sorry OP. Use this week to think about what you want and use your anger to build yourself a good life. In the short term it will be hard, but long term, you'll reap the benefits. My gut is he is preparing the rewrite history here, and he'll be back to let you know he's in love with his midlife crisis, or he won't be back at all.

Where do you want to live? If you like the flat and can afford it in your own, I would arrange to get the locks changed first thing Friday morning. If he has an early flight, he's unlikely to be home before 9 and DD won't have chance to prewarn him. Then pack his stuff up and leave it outside for him to collect.

If you don't want to keep living there, I would play the long game. Give notice to the landlord and negotiate an early release. Explain you are leaving an abusive marriage and therefore won't be able to accept viewings, so it's in his best interest to release you. Then find somewhere you do want to live. Don't buy a house until you are divorced (advice from my divorce lawyer) as it would be added to the martial pot and he'd be entitled to half.

Or hold on to the flat, go see a solicitor tomorrow (do not tell DD) and start proceedings for divorce. He could get the initial paperwork fairly quickly for the financial settlement but probably not in time for him to get home.

What makes you think only he can take what you have? Get a good divorce lawyer and start looking at what assets he has. If he has a pension you may even be entitled to a share of that too.

I ended a relationship for so much less than that ..
The minute he started about the holiday
I would of said ,take everything you have ,as you won't be living here after the holiday .
He's a cock lodger ,only giving you £100 a week ,he should of been gone just for that .
Your daughter is to young to understand how a long term relationship works .
Take anything she says with a pinch of salt ,take as much notice of her as you would a 5 year old , because that's how she's behaving.
I put all my DP possessions in to bin bags and I dropped them at his parents house and changed the locks .
End of ,he wasn't getting back in .
Never would l let a man treat me how your man is treating you .
Stand tall ,and fight back

This. Your h is an absolute fuck wit, op. High tail it out of there, initially for a bloody nice holiday. And ultimately for good. Use the time and space to create an escape plan.

Affair type? I'm not married but most of my friends are and several of my friends who found out that their partners had affairs said 'I never thought she/he was the type'. I really feel for you OP. At the very least , you deserve answers. I agree with the majority of posters; mental health crisis/OW.
Sending you strength

I have a feeling your daughter may have been sucked in by him into thinking this is normal.

And you are entitled to whatever he has. His business could be lucrative. He would have to reveal his details. Can we know what sort of business he has? A trade? An office based businesses?

The more I read the more angry I get.

Honestly, tell him he's not welcome back to YOUR home and tell daddy's princess she can go with him.

If my dad behaved like that with my mum, there would be no doubt in his mind, that when he came back, he'd be living elsewhere. If he tried to get back in I'd call the police and say he's trying to break in and harassing us. Bastard!! And as for your daughter, I honestly can't believe how she's behaving. I'd kill for my mum and she'd help me cover it up 💪

Hi Op,

So sorry for what you are going through. Is your DH a sole trader or a set up a Ltd company? If a Ltd Company he will need to file returns with company house which details the business revenue etc if you Google it you can see these accounts for free. Will give you an idea of what income his business is brining in.

good luck.

He cant take your money if you dont have any you just put all your money in a friends bank account until after you split..i would guess OW has said you either go 0n holiday with me or we are over and this is the cowards way out as he knows when he gets back you will chuck.him out and he will move in with her..DD sadly will see him for what he is