To be suspicious about DH

[JustMissNobody]

i can’t sleep and been going out of my mind all day wondering what the hell is going on and what to do. DH announced he was taking a week off on Friday out of the blue, he’s self employed. No mention of intentions of doing so prior to this. And then followed this with he thinks he’ll go away for a few days or a week. I was dumbstruck.

firstly because this is so far out of character to just take time off without mentioning anything prior and I’ve asked about us going away so many times just for even a couple of days if he can’t take a week off and he’s consistently told me he can’t because of work, or other commitments. His other commitments have also been miraculously dealt with too. So from telling me on Friday afternoon, he’s booked a holiday leaving Sunday morning for 5 days, and all this as apparently been dealt with with no pre planning.

its so not like him and going away solo? I never dreamed in a million years he’d be someone that could do that, he’s not a very social person, doesn’t go out drinking etc. I asked him if he was going with someone and he totally went off the deep end. He went upstairs about 2.30 this afternoon packing for his trip and he’s been sat in the bedroom ever since and refusing to speak to me. I’m now in the spare room because he’s still got a face on with me and ignoring me. WTAF?

The people on your thread are right, OP. Look up/get recommendations today for a good solicitor so that you can ring them in the morning. I am sorry but I agree too with not saying anything to your daughter - it will get back to him.

I know it's easier said than done, OP, but it's time to forget about him and focus on you. From everything you've written, you deserve a happy future away from him, however much it may hurt in the short term. You are not a door mat.

Does he never have time off? This sounds like burnout . I have a stressful job and there have been times I've wanted to f off all my responsibilities and just go away. Not an option for me as I have children. I'd be more worried about his mental health than an affair.

And let's face it, you've already served 34 years for this PoS.

As difficult as it may be, put everything else out if your head and focus on finding and getting 50% of everything. You're entitled to it. He's dodgy as hell, even if there isn't another woman.

This.

Out of curiosity what sort of business is he in?

I can't believe he thinks "He pays in £100 a week." is an adequate contribution to the household.

Do you have a spare room you can move his stuff to while he is away?

What a tosser

I don’t think you can make him leave the marital home even if the rental is in your name. But please get legal advice and separate your finances straight away. If you divorce he will have assets as well. Get your savings details/passbooks and move them to an online account like Chase. Don’t stay with him because you’re worried he’ll take your savings. He must have plenty.

He’s not even paid the £100 for two weeks!

Sadly I’m not so surprised at the crap some men get up to, but I’m shocked that your DD is siding with him. That’s weird - and makes me wonder what he’s told her. Be very careful what you say to her and try to keep her on side as much as possible, firstly because he might try to drive a wedge between you, but also because she might reveal more to you that way.

Think hard about your finances: is there anything that needs freezing? Passwords that need changing?

There might not be an OW. Some men seem to go through a strange stage as that get older. They start re-writing things in their heads, and making you out to be the cause of all their problems. They also re-write things so previous happy times in a marriage get changed to ‘they were never really happy at all’.

Watch your DC. The fact he’s already said to them that it’s better without you there suggests he’s planning to try to alienate them from you. Be extra nice to them even if you’re fuming inside, and don’t badmouth your DH in front of them.

I remember when a colleague got out of an abusive marriage after decades and she said "I'd have served less time for murdering him" and I often think that when I see what some people have put up with.

I wouldn’t bother with any of the snooping and stalking and showing up at arrivals nonsense that people sometimes propose on here.

Its undignified, it doesn’t help you focus on what you need to achieve and it’s unecessary.

Your marriage is over. Whether he’s having an affair is almost irrelevant. In the unlikely event that there isn’t another woman he is still showing you he has total contempt for you and your marriage with this behaviour. I find the idea of 35 years without a holiday unconscionable. But giving you 24 hours notice that he is buggering off without you is a massive slap in the face.

Spend the time he is away accumulating whatever evidence you can and otherwise try to focus on your next steps. Maybe go and stay with a family member or a trusted friend for a couple of days.

I’m sure you will have a better life after this.

He was working 5 days a week, then over the past few months decided to take on more work. His choice, now works 6 days a week. Sometimes he used to finish around 3ish and there were days he’d start around 11ish but that changed too and times he got back home got later and later. He still had one day a week of were he did nothing at all. That literally was his day off from everything, just lounged, watched tv or was on his phone / ipad

If you do decide to be at the arrivals gate, just name the airport - we'll be there in droves

What do you want @JustMissNobody ? Your DH could have burnout and need a few days away but he should have told you that. Do you want him back or do you like the idea of your own home, that you own? It honestly doesn’t sound like he adds much to your life and you’re not financially dependant on him? The ball is in your court, take your power back.

You’re not a nobody x

I feel like this too and take breaks away but I always tell my family when and where I’m going (divorced with adult DD).

Also, do you know for sure that he was working increased hours? Could he have been at someone else's home and just pretended to be working? Anyway, irrelevant now. Please now set up things for yourself and plan a life without him. As others have said, it might all be taken out of your hands anyway - he may never come back.

if the house is in your name then pack his bags, leave them in garage or shed if you have one. and change the locks

@JLou08

I'd be more worried about his mental health than an affair.

Jesus… on every thread like this there’s someone apologising for this shit behaviour and passing it off as “mental health”.

Give it a rest. This guy is financially abusive and too tight to take his wife for a holiday in 35 years FFS.

His mental health would be right at the bottom of my list of priorities.

Yes I didn’t think it would be as clean cut as that, I think he probably knows that too and will refuse to leave

If this is out of the blue I would assume mental health crisis.

If he's been acting shady and defensive for a while maybe an affair but my initial thought is mental health

if it’s rented in your name only, I would seriously have the rest of his stuff packed, outside waiting with the locks changed. I understand you’d have to give DD a key as she lives there but if she were to betray you and let him in again etc I’d be packing her bags as well. His consequences have actions and it’s like he’s trying to make you the bad guy and kick him out. You’re better off without him at this point. Your DD will catch on to him quick after she becomes his main woman servant if there is no actual ‘other woman’.

oh give over

Make sure he can't withdraw any money from your accounts. I suggest you see a solicitor asap. Be prepared for the fact that your daughter might well side with him.