To be suspicious about DH

[JustMissNobody]

i can’t sleep and been going out of my mind all day wondering what the hell is going on and what to do. DH announced he was taking a week off on Friday out of the blue, he’s self employed. No mention of intentions of doing so prior to this. And then followed this with he thinks he’ll go away for a few days or a week. I was dumbstruck.

firstly because this is so far out of character to just take time off without mentioning anything prior and I’ve asked about us going away so many times just for even a couple of days if he can’t take a week off and he’s consistently told me he can’t because of work, or other commitments. His other commitments have also been miraculously dealt with too. So from telling me on Friday afternoon, he’s booked a holiday leaving Sunday morning for 5 days, and all this as apparently been dealt with with no pre planning.

its so not like him and going away solo? I never dreamed in a million years he’d be someone that could do that, he’s not a very social person, doesn’t go out drinking etc. I asked him if he was going with someone and he totally went off the deep end. He went upstairs about 2.30 this afternoon packing for his trip and he’s been sat in the bedroom ever since and refusing to speak to me. I’m now in the spare room because he’s still got a face on with me and ignoring me. WTAF?

I don't know what is to be achieved by waiting at arrivals. In the nicest way even if he is with someone else he's shown he doesn't give a shit anyway.

Agree with others who have said speak to a solicitor / citizens advice asap and get his assets and money frozen before you're left high and dry.

Good luck.

Op - get a solicitor involved asap. Do whatever it takes to prevent him removing assets.
I would say - move out and start divorce proceedings asap. Dont accuse anyone, dont discuss it with him or your daughter, just say you think the marriage came t an end. But please make sure you get what you deserve financially.

I think nowadays you can get a divorce without stating the reason, but if not, you can always state "unreasonable behaviour". If you list what you said on here you will have zero issues getting a divorce as his behaviour is beyond unreasonable. And - as you been married for so long/ kids all grown up, you should get at least half of whatever you both have, including his saving, pension, etc.

Id change the locks and if DD doesnt like it she can leave too.
If the rented house is just in his name i would leave and find somewhere to live on your own..DD can stay with him.
.

Sorry you're going through this. Even if he's having a crisis, you're his wife and he should talk to you and be mature and not treat you like this. You deserve a holiday too!

So sorry you have had to suffer this shock. No wonder you are all churned up and thrown into confusion. There's a difference between wanting space and a husband acting as if he is single. You cannot be treated like this in your marriage or reduced to begging for crumbs of information as to what he is up to. Looking in from outside of the fog of confusion and shock, I think it's as clear as day.

Can you get emotional support from a friend or other family - as well as from mumsnet - to hold you together through this and help you take decisive action to tell him where he stands and where to go?

If it was me, I'd seek legal advice first to see if I could leave the home and take a share of the belongings before he gets back. I'd plan to take the annoying stuff (like all the cutlery) just so he can't stir his cuppa when he gets home! I'm pretty petty like that and it would tickle me if he couldn't find the TV remote or there was no kettle.

I would take a week’s leave from work and move out. Your daughter can sort herself out. Just go. You deserve better than this and you need to be away from both of them.

Well, for a start, after 35 years, he owes you a holiday. If he can go on one without you, then he can provide you with identical funds for you to go on one without him.

Presumably his company accounts are at Companies House and can be searched online. It will give you an idea of turnover.

You need to decide what you want for you. It doesn't sound like this relationship is working and he is clearly unwilling to make an effort to improve it. In your circumstances, I would file for divorce. Having companionship is so important in a marriage.

I’ve been trying to keep myself busy to keep my mind of it all but it’s not working. I’m literally shaking right now and I don’t know if it’s with anger and if so what I’m actually angry about the most. I keep going over Friday evening in my head, sitting in the lounge, chatting, watching tv, DD and DH conversing about various destinations he might like and nothing actually getting booked or any final decision made. I think at that point I maybe still assumed he wouldn’t actually do it.
then waking up on Saturday and asking him if he’d booked anything yet and him sheepishly saying yes. It just felt off and I could feel the shake in my voice when I replied ‘oh right’ I couldn’t say anything more at that point as I needed to gather myself.

ive just checked my bank account and he hasn’t paid anything in last week or this weekend either. I just want to scream and I can’t do a damn thing 🤬

If you can afford it,leave the house even into a travel lodge/premier inn until you can find something more permanent & move yourself out of the home very quietly, not letting your daughter find out, as I suspect she will be calling/messaging her father with all what’s going on.
if you work from home, you can do this from any motel/ hotel.
Find out as much information from paperwork in the house & make an appointment to see a solicitor ASAP.
You deserve so much better than this, especially from your daughter!

There is definitely an OW

You have been kept short of cash throughout your marriage

If you have never bought a house, yet could afford to, this is your husband's ploy to deprive you of assets in the event of a divorce.

He has been working against you for years in your own home, if he can behave like this towards you with impunity. Daughters usually side with their mum, especially when the dad is behaving so badly towards the mum. Is this lack of support from her a manifestation of your low position within the household?

I feel that when your youngest DD leaves the family home, he will divorce you and take his money and your share. You need to see a solicitor urgently. Do not tell either of your children that you have been.

I recognise that feeling of powerlessness and hurt OP, I am so sorry. However there definitely ARE things you can do. You have a few days next week to see some experts and make some plans for a new future that you neither sought nor wanted but actually it will be the start of better days ahead. You simply cannot continue like this and as someone else said, he may well have more permanent plans that don't include you. Don't be left on the back foot.x

If he has not paid the money into the account it really does look as though he won't be back.
You really do need to get legal advice ASAP.

@JustMissNobody do you think this is your husbands way of telling you it's over?

I'd be booking yourself something Friday to Monday so you're not there when he gets back. Give yourself some breathing space.

If your DD thinks this behaviour is OK then that's worrying!

Agree with advice above re: getting your hands on paperwork/checking companies house etc. The filings will also reveal if anyone else has been added to the business that you aren’t aware of. I’d also be inclined to run a credit check on yourself to check he hasn’t taken anything out in your name.

Whose name is on the lease OP? If it’s just yours I would be getting the locks changed and advising DD she’s out on her own now. Put your husband’s stuff out whilst you are at it.

Tomorrow - straight on the phone to a solicitor, please don’t wait.

What a horrible situation, OP. But these five days are a GIFT to you, whatever you do don’t waste them.

Getting evidence of cheating etc is irrelevant, it sounds like your huge problem will be finances. I’d bet my life he’s hiding money. Search the house from attic to garage for any financial records. If you can get into his car or his place of business, do it. If you can get into his online email accounts, do that too. If there a computer he may have used with saved accounts/passwords in password manager? Copies of all paperwork to a new email address with a new password.

Tomorrow morning make an appointment to see a solicitor. If you live in a smallish place, see a few, as once you’ve seen them, he can’t use them. Explain to them about the financial abuse and ask if there’s anything you can do to get a freeze order in place.

Don’t say a work to DD about anything.

For clarification the house is rented in my name only. He was out of work when we got it. My earnings are quite good and I do have savings, enough for a deposit on a house. That’s why he thinks paying £100 a week is acceptable

if we divorced he would want to take everything I have.

Your daughter is also behaving badly towards you; why is she so disrespectful?

I think your marriage is done, OP, I'm very sorry. Everything he's saying and doing is a big 'fuck off!' to you. Telling your daughter (who then rushes to report back to you) that "... it's not nice when she's not there". Who does he think he is?

I would be looking to divorce ultimately and I would use the time whilst he's away to find out what my options are with a good solicitor. You're married, you're entitled to a decent payout (or severance as it sounds).

Keep your counsel as far as your family is concerned, tell your daughter nothing either - get your plans in place and then tell them as you're leaving.

How dare your husband treat you this way. How fucking dare he?

Jesus. I don't know what would hurt more. My DH doing this, or my DD siding so entirely with him and knowing more than she should do!
So sorry you're going through this. Find your anger. Get your ducks in a row and take back the upper hand. Without telling your daughter a damn thing.
People always go on about going NC with toxic parents. This would seriously have me consider what my future relationship with my daughter looks like.

I don't think there's much to be gained from meeting him at the airport on his return in some kind of 'gotcha' moment. For one thing, if there is an OW, they may not be on the same flight or they may walk out separately. He may change his return date, who knows?

Presumably if he has a business in the UK he has to return sometime. Maybe he does just want time to himself, to think etc but he's gone about it in a shitty way and he seems to have checked out of the marriage. Would you seriously want him back?!

There will only be a Companies House entry if he's running a limited company, not if he's a sole trader or runs a partnership - and only if he's filed the paperwork properly!

I'm so incredibly angry for you! How dare he treat you this way, especially after 34 years of marriage and the refusal of holidaying with you for so many years.

I can't fathom what your DD is thinking, I'd never have supported or covered for a parent who was treating the other like this. I wouldn't normally think this about a parent, but he's proven how low he can sink, he couldn't be blackmailing her into keeping quiet could he? Could he know something she doesn't want others to find out? Just seems so sinister to be in on it.

I have considered a PI but I honestly don’t think it would make me feel any better. And tbh I’m glad I don’t know his return flight details, because with all the will in the world I’m not sure how I would handle actually seeing him with OW. He’s not worth going to prison for 🤬

I think the OW will become clear fairly fast and your DD will understand that you were right and he was lying and that will speak for itself

You can open a new bank account online or take ID and open one in person tomorrow. If he’s not even paid in the paltry £100 it sounds as though he’s planned to check out. Talk to your HR, payroll, get your next salary payment paid into the new account. Look at spare room dot com for a room on a short term contract, you can WFH from there. Your daughter needs to wise up, she’s an adult. Talk to a solicitor specialising in divorce law. Keep your own ID in a very safe place because you will need it for a new bank account, change of address etc.