To be suspicious about DH

[JustMissNobody]

i can’t sleep and been going out of my mind all day wondering what the hell is going on and what to do. DH announced he was taking a week off on Friday out of the blue, he’s self employed. No mention of intentions of doing so prior to this. And then followed this with he thinks he’ll go away for a few days or a week. I was dumbstruck.

firstly because this is so far out of character to just take time off without mentioning anything prior and I’ve asked about us going away so many times just for even a couple of days if he can’t take a week off and he’s consistently told me he can’t because of work, or other commitments. His other commitments have also been miraculously dealt with too. So from telling me on Friday afternoon, he’s booked a holiday leaving Sunday morning for 5 days, and all this as apparently been dealt with with no pre planning.

its so not like him and going away solo? I never dreamed in a million years he’d be someone that could do that, he’s not a very social person, doesn’t go out drinking etc. I asked him if he was going with someone and he totally went off the deep end. He went upstairs about 2.30 this afternoon packing for his trip and he’s been sat in the bedroom ever since and refusing to speak to me. I’m now in the spare room because he’s still got a face on with me and ignoring me. WTAF?

Oh op I am so sorry. His treatment of you is doshusting and you don’t deserve it. Your daughter is awful too. I’m afraid I would have his bags packed for his return. Or look for a new home to rent yourself, leave them both to it.

He's not denying it, so I'd assume you're right, I'm sorry OP.

Even if he isn’t having an affair I’d be done. Use the time he’s away to get your shit together. What’s his is yours remember.

He’s behaved appallingly, that goes without saying.
I think your dd is siding with her dad to diffuse, not necessarily to disrespect you. Her head is going ‘ don’t split up, don’t let anything change’ She wants it to go quiet which equals ( to her) it’s all gone away.
Find everything you can while he’s away and decide what you want to happen Friday. As pp have said finding the return flight details won’t be hard.

If your dd gives you a hard time or you want to get away just look at Travelodge, cheap and cheerful, easy to book.

I also think daughter knows more than she is letting on, or has been manipulated to take dh’s version of events. Sorry to say, but as others have said, you can’t trust her at the moment. She may have even been told to keep an eye on you, so any snooping needs to be done away from her.

Are there any work colleagues you can talk to. Maybe bluff it, and pretend you knew all along He was going away . ‘Jack, I need to contact dh but seem to have mislaid his hotel details, or even which town he’s gone to, can you remind me?’ Etc (I’m sure other mn have better subterfuge ideas). They may not know anything, but their reaction may tell you something, or at least give you more info.

I'm actually wondering if the return ticket is actually booked as a tactic to make you think he is returning when in fact he has no intention of doing so.
I think the pp who advised you to take action ASAP to get legal advice and try and sort out where you stand financially are right.
He could be relying on you waiting for him to return and doing nothing in the mean time so that he himself had a week or whatever to ensure he bleeds the finances dry/ secures his own financial security while leaving you with nothing.

This may not be the case but given his weird behaviour I don't think you can take anything for granted and you should act quickly.

I'm fucking seething for you love, the audacity of this prick.

He pays £400 a month ?!!!!!!!!!

That's fucking pathetic.

After that horrible remark to your daughter (not calling her DD as there is nothing 'Dear' about her...or your husband) I would prepare myself for him leaving, sooner rather than later.

Even if he hasn't gone off with another woman, the manner in which he's embarked on having this holiday on his own makes it pretty clear he wanted to make damn sure you couldn't go with him...along with the remark, I think it shows that he doesn't want to spend any time with you. The dismissive attitude towards buying a house is also a red flag, he is making sure that there is no major asset that he has to split with you in the event of a divorce.

For now, I'd be sending him a message by email that due to his behaviour, he's not welcome back in the house and that you'll be changing the locks. I'd also get in touch with the landlord and see if there's any way you can get him off the tenancy (if it's a joint one). I'd also remind your 26 year old daughter that once you and her father have split that you will no longer be obliged - not that you are now - to put a roof over her head.

Your dd is really awful op. She's 26 and not some young influenced, vulnerable person. She's a bully just like her father. She will learn her lesson one day because she's going to end up with a man just like him. I would just speak to her minimally for now.

Use this time wisely. Gather documents, start digging for information, contact solicitors. Empower yourself and make a decision before he gets back. Don't let him hold all the cards. Keep yourself busy and use it to your advantage. It's done now, the marriage is over. Look forward at how you can take care of yourself.

What is your relationship like with your other Dc? What do they think of their father?

I also suspect that DD knew about this beforehand.

You mentioned another DC - have you spoken to them about any of this? Would they support you?

I have just taken this off Google as an example, i would be contacting citizens advice for a good solicitor while husbands away and start this, it doesnt matter whether he explains everything when he comes back you should be in the know regarding assets/finances, what ever happens in the future you will be aware and informed of finances of which all the years you supported him looking after his children and the home.
Do not inform your children what you are doing. Good luck, sorry to say but be ruthless or he will try and talk you out of it.

 Prior to her marriage ending, Sylvia* had never heard of a freezing order, let alone a section 37 injunction application. Happily married, living in a beautiful home in West Sussex, raising two daughters and working three days a week as a nurse, life was predictable, secure and good.

All that changed six months ago. Unbeknown to her, her husband of fifteen years walked out, leaving her for a woman 10 years her junior.
“David* ran the family business, I had little involvement. Although he never questioned or controlled what I spent, he managed the books and I had no idea of the how much money we had.”
When her solicitor mentioned obtaining a freezing order to prevent her husband from disposing of their assets, Sylvia was shocked. However, when she discovered just how much money her husband had in assets and cash, both in the UK and abroad, she was stunned.
“He could have got away with hiding hundreds of thousands of pounds from me.”
What is a freezing order?
A freezing order, formally known as a Mareva injunction or order, is an injunction issued by the court that stops a spouse from dealing with or disposing of assets.

Absolutely agree. Take copies of all documents, safeguard your financial well-being, and start looking for a place to live. The marriage is done, you can’t trust him, or your daughter. Focus on looking after yourself for the now, and the future without him. It’s hard, but not as hard as sticking with an arsehole for what remains of your life.

Well this is a shocking read. Not surprised you are struggling today OP. Can you maybe go for a nice long walk to clear your head - this can be great therapy when your head is scrambled? I don’t know what to say about your husband’s current situation but he doesn’t sound very nice generally whereas you sound lovely. You deserve better than him and you deserve better behaviour from your daughter. Virtual hugs from me - sounds awful .

It’s quite common for children to side with their abusive parent because they are desperate for their approval. They’re also conditioned to be flying monkeys for the abusive parent. It’s a sign of a traumatic childhood.

I agree with this. I'd add that it seems to have been an abusive marriage all along - certainly financially, probably also psychologically. He sounds like a narcissist and your daughter seems to have been recruited as a 'flying monkey'.

I'd brace yourself for something worse than an OW tbh. Like possibly him not coming back at all and remaining uncontactable/untraceable, hidden money problems/debt/bankruptcy, financial agreements taken out in your name, people turning up looking for him, who knows. His behaviour has been extraordinary and he has treated you despicably.

God knows how your daughter thinks any of this is OK on his part or that your reaction is anything other than completely reasonable. In a way it might be better if he does disappear. At least without him in the picture you might be able to rebuild with her over time.

I'm beyond sorry that you're going through this. Keep posting for support and advice. MN can be a lifesaver in a crisis.

Could you also take the week off to review what you want to do next? He may well have led on the decisions for himself which impacts on you, but you can take charge of what you do in response. From the perspective you have shared, it sounds like your husband has led on lots of decision making - life style, finances, career moves, investments. From what you say, you have focused on your immediate family which may mean you find yourself in a strong pursuit withdrawal dynamic with your husband. The more he withdraws the more you have to pursue to address the changes or the more you ask the more he withdraws. Its a problematic pattern however its set up. You hint at things being difficult in the relationship for some time. Do you think you both see it that way and if so do you think you are on the same page about how or when it started?

I don't know how old you are but the fact that you have been hoping to buy your own home and he has not, suggests you haven't been on the same page about some big life cycle decisions for some time. Might this be a hint to what you are dealing with?

I would be careful about involving your children particularly given that this is an emotive time for you.

Being on the receiving end of hurtful communication from our nearest and dearest can be very distressing but if you can, try to step back from it. His defensiveness, stonewalling and huffing behaviour - suggests he is not comfortable with his own actions. Your totally acceptable inquiries have no doubt raised his discomfort with himself and may account for what is being transferred to you. Your daughter too might have inadvertently taken positions she now holds some remorse for and the more you ask, the more you may be receiving her own frustrations at how she has been positioned and taken positions, in relation to you both as her parents.

You would do well to find yourself some independent support, some allies, outside of the immediate family, who you can work things through with. The vulnerability of your financial situation would worry me most but perhaps you are more secure than what you have suggested. Can you fund your living arrangements independently if need be? Do you have savings joint or individual? I would use as much of this week as you can to get on top of your joint and individual affairs. It is not OK in a long term committed marriage that one person holds all the power over the resources. If you can rectify that it would be time well spent. You could get legal advice but in truth it would be a better investment when you have all the information about your joint assets. Otherwise you can educate yourself by reading up on family finance law where the children are adults.

I think you have to keep a range of emotions in check. It may not be an affair but it could be a stepping away for different reasons. Either way your feelings about what is happening are very valid. Do not dismiss them.

There may be more to this story than OP is saying, however on first glance I think this marriage is dead and gone. I would get your things in order OP and look to move out and divorce. Also your DD needs to learn to butt out (again, unless there is some history here that we were not aware of).

Part of me thinks this too about the OP's DD. As in she doesn't want anyone / anything to "rock the boat", so has adopted a "Let dad go and leave him alone" mentality for fear that her security blanket of being able to live at home may be threatened. It sounds like she has a good deal living at home with parents at 26 (though I'm aware many adult children choose to do so now, whether out of choice or circumstance).

As ever, though, OP - you obviously know yourself what the dynamics are.

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through, OP. And your daughter is awful - I don't think I'd be able to forgive her for her role in this, esp the lack of support and accusing you of being unreasonable.

As you say you're living in a rental, can you quickly find somewhere else to live, on your own? Leave your husband and daughter to sort out the current place. You should be done with both of them imo. If possible, spend the day away today - go to a local park, cafe, etc - and then get acting with estate agents and solicitors tomorrow.

Don’t say anything to anyone ( including your DD ) and position yourself at the Arrivals . A friend did this and she said her ( now ex) husband’s face was priceless. And the OW was terrified as she was supposed to be a friend.

Double life, possibly.
Ducks in a row and distance.

I don’t understand how you have lived like this. How you have allowed yourself to be treated in this way.

sorry to say it but I think you need to DTB.

not because of the trip but because he doesn’t love or respect you

Use this time wisely op. Go see a solicitor, see what you can pick up by snooping in wardrobes, jacket pockets, desk drawers etc and do not trust your daughter. Actually if you're able to, snoop on her phone. He sees her as an ally

Agree with this, I'm afraid. When I was in my early 20s, my dad tried to make me his confidant and told me about the affair he was having. I told him he was a disgrace and told my mum (they ended up divorcing). I wonder if your H has done the same thing, and your daughter is happily keeping his secrets?