To be suspicious about DH

[JustMissNobody]

i can’t sleep and been going out of my mind all day wondering what the hell is going on and what to do. DH announced he was taking a week off on Friday out of the blue, he’s self employed. No mention of intentions of doing so prior to this. And then followed this with he thinks he’ll go away for a few days or a week. I was dumbstruck.

firstly because this is so far out of character to just take time off without mentioning anything prior and I’ve asked about us going away so many times just for even a couple of days if he can’t take a week off and he’s consistently told me he can’t because of work, or other commitments. His other commitments have also been miraculously dealt with too. So from telling me on Friday afternoon, he’s booked a holiday leaving Sunday morning for 5 days, and all this as apparently been dealt with with no pre planning.

its so not like him and going away solo? I never dreamed in a million years he’d be someone that could do that, he’s not a very social person, doesn’t go out drinking etc. I asked him if he was going with someone and he totally went off the deep end. He went upstairs about 2.30 this afternoon packing for his trip and he’s been sat in the bedroom ever since and refusing to speak to me. I’m now in the spare room because he’s still got a face on with me and ignoring me. WTAF?

I am so sorry op it sounds like a very cruel way to treat you, I get people need time away sometimes but his behaviour is appalling I am not sure I could forgive his behaviour whether he's having an affair or not. He has been completely dismissive of you and your feelings and does not seem to think you have any right to know his movements well f**k him. He has also dragged your daughter into this and has been in her ear to the point she thinks you're behaviour is wrong whereas he is being perfectly rational. Don't let them gaslight you, what he is doing is not normal and not appropriate your feelings are completely valid.

As others said use this time to search through everything to get any clue as to what's going on. I would also not discuss it any more with your daughter just leave her completely out of it no point upsetting yourself more with her attitude. She'll reflect back on this at some stage.

Did your husband ever express disapproval of old friends and family members?

@DadJoke

I thought the same about the passport.

Op, I'd be digging through all his stuff. Do you know where his spare car keys are?

Your DD is probably quite concerned for her dad’s MH and is in denial that there could be another woman.

Try not to get her involved because it’s her being defensive of him is not going to make you feel any better.

Its also not her relationship and shouldn’t feel the need to take sides.

Keep talking on here, we can support you.

He is not living life like he’s in a relationship and so you should do the same.

Look up some long walks and take yourself out for the day.
Stop and have a coffee and cake and make sure you’re out for a few hours.

He has completely checked out and he doesn’t even have the decency to tell you why.

It is heartbreaking that by sounds of it you have devoted your life to your family and this is how DH chooses to treat you. I would suspect the last min notice of holiday was to give you as little time as possible to question or suggest joining him.
Wether he has OW or not I'd be seriously considering if you want to stay with someone who treats you like this - he is also setting your daughter up for future relationships to think his level of arrogance/gaslighting is normal and to be accepted. Please show her different.

Sorry OP, but I think there is something going on, and I think your DD knows and has taken your husband's side. The fact they were discussing how nice it was when you were out of the house - that would really piss me off, and I assume she did not tell your H that was inappropriate?

I would leave it for now, there is nothing you can do - but I would think if there is another woman, you will know about it soon. I actually think this is what's going on, and your husband started implementing The Script - he portrays you as crazy and unbearable to everyone (and your DD bought into this already) making sure everyone is on his side. I think the plan is to leave you but make sure he is the victim in all this and you are the crazy one forcing him to leave.

I would accept the marriage is over, try not to talk to DD about it, and concentrate on sorting everything out - getting all the financial information, any important documentation, speaking to the solicitor, maybe confide in a few friends and family so you have someone to lean on who knows the story from your perspective. Try to find out any paperwork about his earnings, etc. I would also try to get into his car, only because he is so precious about it. Do all this without your DD knowing as she is probably will let your H know.

This is an incredibly shitty and unacceptable behaviour on the part of your H and DD, I'm really sorry. But you need to get angry, and sad, and do everything to protect yourself both financially and emotionally.

Your DD clearly has little life experience, emotional intelligence.
I cannot believe that she isn’t seeing it from a woman’s point of view regardless of her relationship with her dad.
if this was my own father, I’d be going to town telling him how absolutely unreasonable his behaviour is.

I would absolutely speak to a solicitor just to get some advice on finances, from everything you are saying he has been playing the long game. Limiting your access or awareness of his financial status.

get your ducks in a row for the potential aftermath of all of this, sounds like DD will do anything to cover her fathers tracks. Do not discuss it anymore with your DD either. In honesty there no further need for her involvement or opinion on the matter.

So sorry to hear all this OP. I wonder if he has a spare set of car keys he's forgotten about?

All newer cars do, do you have a spare key place you could hunt for it. A car is the place to hide things and I bet he is.

So sorry on your daughter, I would imagine she's been brainwashed by him to be honest

Finance details may all be electronically held by HMRC and debt collectors send letters. What a strange situation.

I wonder why your daughter is siding with him and being nasty to you? does he spoil her give her money at 26 she should find her own place. Maybe you can speak to your other children and find out what they think. I know you are sad right now but you need to get legal advice you haven't a clue about his finances. If you are married 34 years and he just got a passport in the last 12 months he is planning something.

Prepare to be further blindsided this week, he’s set something in motion and I think this ‘holiday’ is only the beginning.
Take this week off work too and get yourself battle ready. Marriage is over.

Yeah he is on his way out OP and my suspicion is that he will be hiding money or making financial decisions to make sure you can’t access his money via the divorce. You might need to hire a forensic accountant to uncover what he’s done if I’m correct. I’m sorry.

OP you mentioned you now know the place he is in but not the accommodation. If it's in area thats not too vast I think I'd be inclined to call every hotel and ask to be put through to his room saying it's a message from a business colleague,obviously putting the phone down if they say they will put you through. He couldn't prove it was you. If he's not in a particular hotel all they'd say is we don't have a Mr ..... staying here. Then you could apologise for getting it wrong. There again he may not be staying in a hotel but it might be worth a try.

To what end?

If you know the flight times on the way out - you can work out the flight number. You can work out which flight he'll be on when he returns on Friday. I'd be waiting for him as he walks through customs to see for myself who he is with and what is going on. It'll confirm your suspicions. In the meantime use this week to get everything together and get an appointment with a solicitor. What an absolute arse.

I would want to know which hotel. I'd then make arragements to hire a private detective. I would see the whole scenario as that serious.

this is awful, I'm so sorry.. and I'm sorry that your daughter is being so horrible, how old is she?

do you think he will move out when he comes back? sounds like you pay most of the bills? is his name also on the rental agreement? if not, I would pack his bags for him whilst he is gone. maybe change the locks?

are you able to do any useful snooping whilst he is away?

Yeah I think do this. He won't be expecting it.

Take some time for yourself today. Don't engage with your DD any more than you need to. Her attitude is not helpful to you.

Use today to work through things in your head and think about where you would like your life to be in 12 months time, and what you need to do to get there.

And how you want Friday to pan out. Do you want to be there when he gets back? Or be gone already?

Tomorrow the real work begins to sort out Friday and the rest of your life.

But, as others have said, be prepared for more surprises this week.

I agree this is precious time..!

I'm so sorry for what you're experiencing too. You deserve so so much better and hopefully all these lovely messages will give you strength to take action for yourself. We're all here to help.

Snoop (not around daughter), write down things that haven't been right (to help you realise and come to terms), write down what you do want, start planning...

Reading this thread has made me so angry OP . How dare this man treat you so disrespectfully. As a Mum I would be far more upset about your daughter’s attitude and would be trying to gage from the other children what they think/ know.
I would call car locksmith and get his car opened up !!!

I don't think you should trust your DD, use her as a go -between or offload to her. She's shown her allegiances are more with her Dad. Surely she's old enough to appreciate how shitty his behaviour is in a long relationship where you should at least show some respect for your partner and consult them about major decisions. How well do you normally get on with your DD?

It sounds like he's always kept you 'in your place' and in the dark! Sorry it's so awful for you but he's been treating you with distain for decades by the sounds of it and you need to start fighting back. Find some support, get legal advice, prepare for big changes in your life....it will be better in the long run.

I don't know how old she is, OP, but I'd expect better from your DD, whether she is a "daddy's girl" or not. Without wanting to judge, from the information you've disclosed, it sounds like very one-sided relationships in your household - if I had the means, I'd be looking to extricate myself from it. You deserve respect - because you're not getting it at the moment - as well as the self-respect to put yourself first.

yes, all of this

if it is OPs house, I would be asked Ng both husband and daughter to move out

My gut feeling is that there’s no OW here, but he’s checked out of the relationship and decided he’d much rather spend time alone than with you. He is absolutely f*ing you about though and there’s no excuse. If he wants to leave he should just get on with it.

Edit to add: It must be very, very upsetting, especially with your daughter acting like that. Sending hugs and self respect.