To be suspicious about DH

[JustMissNobody]

i can’t sleep and been going out of my mind all day wondering what the hell is going on and what to do. DH announced he was taking a week off on Friday out of the blue, he’s self employed. No mention of intentions of doing so prior to this. And then followed this with he thinks he’ll go away for a few days or a week. I was dumbstruck.

firstly because this is so far out of character to just take time off without mentioning anything prior and I’ve asked about us going away so many times just for even a couple of days if he can’t take a week off and he’s consistently told me he can’t because of work, or other commitments. His other commitments have also been miraculously dealt with too. So from telling me on Friday afternoon, he’s booked a holiday leaving Sunday morning for 5 days, and all this as apparently been dealt with with no pre planning.

its so not like him and going away solo? I never dreamed in a million years he’d be someone that could do that, he’s not a very social person, doesn’t go out drinking etc. I asked him if he was going with someone and he totally went off the deep end. He went upstairs about 2.30 this afternoon packing for his trip and he’s been sat in the bedroom ever since and refusing to speak to me. I’m now in the spare room because he’s still got a face on with me and ignoring me. WTAF?

I was with my ex for 6 months during lockdown - we’d been platonic friends for about 14 years. I l then realised he hadn’t told his ex of 5 years and her adult child we were together. He said they’d drifted apart. Except then his ex told me he’d been having sex chats on online Scrabble and all manner of other sex sites, trying to arrange meet-ups with random women for sex, for several years and she had eventually managed to get him to leave. He was to all appearances an absolute pillar of the community.

He can’t be going far in 5 days, surely. Unless he’s not planning on coming back. Do you know his “holiday” destination?

@AngelusBell it's a sorry state of affairs when men can't even play chess or scrabble without thinking with their dicks.

That's terrible though, thank god you found out relatively soon on!

Gosh op you need to find your anger here. His behaviour is completely unacceptable (regardless of why he’s doing it), although I too think OW. Sounds like he’s got a whole other life going on that you are unaware of. You need to protect yourself here, and start planning. I’m sorry you are going through this.

I was shocked beyond shocked. He collected Bibles, was deeply involved in the local cathedral (still is) - I didn’t know online Scrabble sex was a thing but apparently if you use your letters to make certain key words that’s a sign of seeking a hook-up. Just when you think you’ve heard it all.

It's not much of a marriage @JustMissNobody , marriage is a partnership where you share things, there's very little sharing in your marriage. All these years he's had his own way, now it's your turn to put yourself first.
All the signs of an affair are there so don't let him come home and behave as if it's nothing, he doesn't even seem to like you anymore so I'd be at a divorce lawyer asap

No wonder you're suspicious and annoyed :(

If you have flight details I would be tempted to rock up early at the airport and see who he checks in with. You would need to be there as soon as check in opens though. His behaviour is bizarre...

Hi, sorry I’m not doing too good this morning. Rollercoaster of emotions.
Youngest DD still lives at home. She’s hurt me so much this morning by doubling down on her support for DH. Thinks I’ve acted like a crazy woman accusing him of going away with OW and it’s no wonder he’s got defensive?? She also doesn’t think it’s strange or out of order not to inform me of his flight details / holiday plans or just book it within 24 hours. There’s been much more said and I’ve been crying my eyes out over her attitude to it all.

DH and I still haven’t spoke since yesterday afternoon. Door camera has him leaving the house just after 6am this morning. No text or note left. He must have been picked up or taxi/uber because his car is still outside but he’s took his car keys. Obviously doesn’t want me getting in there snooping around !!

I’m angrier today than I was yesterday, I think I was in shock by everything.

I'm sorry you're going through this and aren't getting support from your daughter either. It sounds like he's been manipulating her. Did you find out where he is going?

Search everything he owns OP. There will be a clue somewhere.

Sorry just to add I do know where he’s gone now, don’t know where he’s staying though or when he’s flying back, just that it’s apparently on Friday.

YOu are a better person than I am anyway, I would have been at that airport this morning waitng to see what he was at. I am a person that needs proof of things though. Your daughters attitude is very strange too I have to say.

Do you have family OP- siblings, supportive cousins maybe, or close friends? You need people you can trust now.

This is one if the strangest dh’s threads I’ve ever read. A dp, who hasn’t been abroad in years, and doesn’t even holiday in the UK, suddenly ups and takes a holiday abroad at short notice! And fuu it edn’t think he owes his longstanding wife any explanation!

As others have said, use this time to snoop, snoop, snoop ;but not when daughter is around). Go into his office and rifle through everything. They’ll be some clue somewhere.

Most cars have two sets of keys. Are there any spare ones around?

You said he’s been working extra hard, longer hours etc. Smacks of an affair to me (or gay relationship?).

i wonder if this is part of his exit plan?

Hope you find some answers soon

Hello OP you aren’t Just Miss Nobody, you are somebody, a human being with feelings and you deserve so much better.
It’s very sad that your daughter isn’t supporting you, do you have a good friend that you could confide in.
At first I did think it was a mental health thing with your OH, but the more I’ve read it is sounding more like an affair, even if it’s not he’s being totally inconsiderate and thoughtless and very unkind to you. I would seriously question your future together before he decides to return.
How do you stand financially?

I totally understand the need to know what’s going on but even if no ow involved, which seems unlikely, this is such a horrible and disrespectful way to treat you. I’d be wanting out of this marriage OP I’m sorry it sounds grim for you.

I'm so sorry. How incredibly painful for you.
Don't hide your feelings from your daughter. It seems your husband has been sowing seeds of his discontent in her for years and she sees you as the problem. She deserves to see your pain so she can understand what she is contributing to.

Use the time to do the research as others have suggested. Speak with a solicitor to establish your position.

Remember that your daughter is not your ally here.

Do you have a close friend you can seek support from?

If it was me, I would secretly be at the airport waiting for the flight to come in. Or have a friend there.. photograph anyone he arrives back with. Do not confront them... the element of surprise down the line may be very important!

Don't tell him until you've got everything else sorted out or he's ready to start talking.

As everyone on here constantly says, keep your cards close to your chest!

Trust your gut. It sounds like you've been pushed down over the years and taught to ignore it. Tune in and pay attention!

Sending you a virtual hug!

JustMissNobody
You need to dig while he is away. I did say this earlier is the thread but, YOU WILL NOT GET THIS TIME BACK. It is essential that you gain as much info as you can to separate.

He may have savings, investments, pensions and possibly property. He has kept you in the dark for so long.

Forget where and why he had gone. Put ALl your energy in this limited time period while he is away to start your life without him.
You are married and will be entitled to half.

SEE AS SOLICITOR as soon as you can.
DO NOT tell your daughter.

One thing to bear in mind Op is that the truth will come out, sooner or later. It is hurtful that your daughter is currently siding with him, but in time she too will learn the truth. I am very sorry that you're being treated this way. Although it is hard to think, please do try to take next week to sort out a lot of paperwork and documentation towards divorcing your DH. I'm afraid it is looking inevitable that that's where you're headed.

I agree that your daughter’s attitude to all this is very odd. She either knows more than she is letting on or she has had the wool well and truly pulled over her eyes by her dad. Either way I couldn't forgive the things she has been saying and I would be inclined to tell her she has got until her dad gets back to find herself somewhere else to live.

Im sorry but if your own DD cant see the fact that her dad hasn't been on holiday for yonks, doesn't go anywhere with her mum and then decides to tell her mum last minute that he has a holiday abroad booked thats she is not invited on and then gets defensive about it then there is something wrong with your DD. I would be fuming on your behalf and I would want to know what the fuck my dad was up to.

No, only child, parents and GP have died sadly. I don’t really have friends either has I WFH and don’t socialise other than with DC GC and partners

Hmm. So this was his plan for over a year.

I think your DH has got to your DD Op, either she's in on his secret or he's claimed total innocence and asked her to fight his corner while he's away. Frankly your marriage is not her business and I'd refuse to discuss it with her anymore. Go do what you need to do but keep it to yourself, don't give her the chance to tell her Father anything. You need to be strong now and get things sorted while he's gone

Is there somewhere you can go today, a friend or family member for some breathing space? Then back to the family home tomorrow to start gathering paperwork etc whilst your daughter will be presumably at work.

Keep it bright and breezy with the daughter “Just off to have a catch up with Sue for the day/night - see you soon!”

Use Monday to gather info, get an initial appontment with a divorce lawyer booked for Tuesday or Wednesday if that’s possible. Then by Friday you will be much clearer on what your options are, although don’t be surprised if he messages before then to say he’s left you. That doesn’t matter though you don’t want him back anyway.

Take back control, knowledge is power.