To be suspicious about DH

[JustMissNobody]

i can’t sleep and been going out of my mind all day wondering what the hell is going on and what to do. DH announced he was taking a week off on Friday out of the blue, he’s self employed. No mention of intentions of doing so prior to this. And then followed this with he thinks he’ll go away for a few days or a week. I was dumbstruck.

firstly because this is so far out of character to just take time off without mentioning anything prior and I’ve asked about us going away so many times just for even a couple of days if he can’t take a week off and he’s consistently told me he can’t because of work, or other commitments. His other commitments have also been miraculously dealt with too. So from telling me on Friday afternoon, he’s booked a holiday leaving Sunday morning for 5 days, and all this as apparently been dealt with with no pre planning.

its so not like him and going away solo? I never dreamed in a million years he’d be someone that could do that, he’s not a very social person, doesn’t go out drinking etc. I asked him if he was going with someone and he totally went off the deep end. He went upstairs about 2.30 this afternoon packing for his trip and he’s been sat in the bedroom ever since and refusing to speak to me. I’m now in the spare room because he’s still got a face on with me and ignoring me. WTAF?

Do any of your kids live at home? I think I'd leave while he's gone and not tell him or return. Sounds like your youngest has his back which is sad. 😔

So has he applied for a passport in secret? If you haven’t been on holiday in 34 years it seems very strange for him to have a passport sat ready and waiting to go away on a days notice.

Wow!

I'd tell him to stay there...

This is so very wrong.

I'm sorry

You’re not being OTT, and even saying or thinking that lets me know exactly how your relationship has been.

I’ll bet you have been very unhappy for a long time and as typical of a male, you’re to blame for being unhappy and opening your mouth at all.

I have one of these, but mine doesn’t hide being a c*nt anymore so I can make my escape after only 17 years (weep). Let him go, tell him he isn’t coming back. Have a fling, realise what you’ve been missing.

@JustMissNobody

My advice is to use this time wisely, the period while he is away will be invaluable and you will not get it back.

You are married and so will be entitled to half of whatever he has hidden away for all these years (pensions, savings, investments and possibly property)

Get your ducks in order to start a life on your own and DO NOT TELL YOUR DAUGHTER.

My husband and I take trips separately. But we always know in advance! And we know where the other person is staying etc.
He is being so disrespectful to you.

He's doing a lovely job of manipulating your daughter too

I'm sorry, I don't think you'll even want to come back from this

Use the time to get paperwork sorted

Have you got RL friends and family you can talk to?

As for your daughter. I’m afraid she’s likely a narcissist too, like her dad, obviously a daddies girl. She’s gaslighting and minimising you, which is what she’s learnt from her father.

Start living for yourself. Do it now because these people don’t respect you.

Speak to a solicitor urgently next week

Otherwise prepare to be thoroughly shafted.

He is NOT a good man

Do you work? It doesn't matter, but do you both own your home?

The level of secrecy regarding finances is very concerning. This all must be such a shock.

My XH did this and it was a psychotic manic episode - previously undiagnosed bipolar. It was hell. I really hope it’s not that for you, sending lots of love.

Get your ducks in a row as the saying goes. Tell him you insist on seeing the booking email or you will drop him and collect him from the airport. If he's not willing to do that it tells you all you need to know.

Try and find a rental for you whilst he's gone and leave him.

Your username makes me even sadder. You’re not nobody, time to start realising it.

You need to get as much cash and paperwork together whilst he is away and start planning a new life. Sounds like he has been hiding money for years. Get rid of him and Keep your daughter at arms length.

This 💯

A bit unfair to call op a mug. He sounds like a narcissist who controlled everything including the children. Op probably felt powerless against the gang of them. She can change this now however. Leave him op, your dd sounds as bad as him.

Also op, you've paid your dues. You have raised your kids, given him 34 years. Free yourself and leave them.

If you haven't had a holiday together for years, would he have a passport?

He got one a year ago...

I think the OP is possibly being financially abused.

Sorry op it doesn’t sound like a good relationship to me. Do you still connect with each other? The lack of communication between the two of you is astounding. I think from the sounds of it you’ve been letting him treat you this way for years. Whatever is the situation he has checked out. I hope you have enough self respect to confront him for treating you so disrespectfully. Let him
sulk but I’d be making it very clear he has crossed a line regarding your marriage. If this was my husband treating me this way I’d be divorcing his sorry ass ! X

I would agree with most of this only I wouldn't be wasting money going to the place he's going because I'd be wanting to have as much money as I could possibly get to go it alone without him. Also, OP doesn't need to know anymore than she already does at the moment- it'll hurt her even more when she's already low and anyway, she knows enough already to decide that she needs to get rid of him and put her own welfare first. She just needs to get the expert advice that'll enable her to separate from this abusive, deceitful, treacherous man with the least amount of financial loss possible and no more emotional pain than he's already inflicted on her! Down the line more will come out, as it usually does but by that time OP will have had some time to heal a bit and be stronger and better able to deal with revelations! The UK is a No Fault divorce state now, so you don't need all the sordid details before you file anymore!
Time to get in touch with your inner Machievelli OP and no guilt about it- you're defending and protecting yourself from an abuser and Gods blessing on you!

I would be a mixture of really angry (and worried about an OW) but also really concerned for his MH.

You’ve asked him and he’s not giving you any answers.

I wouldn’t talk to him about it anymore.

Instead, wait until he’s gone and do some snooping and use the time to ‘get your ducks in a row’ and decide whether you want to continue with the relationship.

Solo breaks are absolutely fine but it’s not ok to not discuss it with you.

I would be using the time he’s away to separate, even if he stays in the home.
Could you move his stuff into a spare room or front room etc.

I hope you managed to get some answers this morning.

Just had a thought - a while ago a very similar situation happened to a lady I worked with.

Turns out, he had been chatting to a lady online in the chat area of a game he was playing (I think it was chess or something like that). He had never met her but they chatted on there, then phone and eventually decided to meet up.

He flew to America to meet her - they got a hotel at the airport to chat / get to know each other.

It ended up that from his perspective the grass wasn't greener and he flew home with his tail between his legs.

Something is definitely not adding up here. Have you always had communication problems?

What a selfish man!

Agree with PP. Use the week to get divorce in motion, finances in order. Housing sorted.

There’s no coming back from this.