How do you deal with flying monkeys : people you don't know well but know they speak the words of their controller

[Flyingmmonkeys]

. ?? I've got a several days wedding with flying monkeys from my sister.
An ex flying monkey told me my sister (much older) is obsessed with me and overwhelming jealous. People I know less than aqantences have been vile to me , people I don't know have been vile and other family members I don't see much have been vile and they all feel sorry for her? They use the same phrases about me she uses
What do you say? How do you combat it she's extremely good at what she does ie turning family members away.

@Tagyoureit no.

But because she's so much older she had a relationship with all the older cousins. Obviously they spent many family occasions together over the years and had that foundation. Unfortunately because I was born so late I don't have that foundation and all those shared experiences.

However there a few younger cousins whom I'm extremely close to and yes there are some friendly faces.

@HowIrresponsible

It's not my sisters wedding it's another family member..
I know one cousin is definitely captured but unfortunately another relative was glaring.

Can you reach out to the cousin you're closest to and explain the situation and ask them to stick close to you at the wedding?

Maybe that would be a good option.

If anyone is rude to you then just ignore them, your sister will win by knowing she's getting to you, don't let people see that.

mumsnet ethos is support

it really isn’t I’m afraid. Ironically in this case, people on MN will challenge you in a way those in RL never would.

So the point still stands. If she's poisoned them all against you why are you going?!

If you go and anyone is confrontational look baffled and ask, “Do you really think someone’s wedding is an appropriate time and place to insert yourself into the ancient private business of someone else’s family?”

So somebody has a problem and all the Mumsnet mob who haven't been on the Relationships board are concerned about is having a discussion about the entomology of a phrase used rather than being any help to the OP

OP - you might have been better off posting this in Relationships

Though to be fair, I'm not sure I'd go especially as it's not just one day.

Have you booked and paid for everything already?

Do you really have to go?

Support can also come in the form of asking whether you’re not exaggerating unconsciously, or perceiving a pattern of behaviour that doesn’t exist.

For instance, you seem to know a lot about the substance abuse and pathological jealousy of a sibling who lives thousands of miles away and whom you’ve not seen in years. But your source for this information seems to be the same people you’re dubbing ‘flying monkeys’? Why would you trust information from people who, according to you, are just mouthpieces for your sister? If they’re wrong about you, why would they be right about her?

And is it really that likely that she’s directing them by phone from the other side of the world to approach you to criticise you at weddings when they barely know you, or are total strangers?

Please explain why you think it is upsetting me.
I asked what flying monkeys were; you responded, I also googled the phrase.
I then pointed out that this is yet another label to attatch to behaviours that existed long before this descriptor, using the descriptors we would have used before the term flying monkey was applied
If you re-read my response to your explanation, am I upset or unsupportive?

Does the thread really need derailing over terminology?

Or simply: 'why would you like to know?'

tbf if you don’t understand the term it’s difficult to understand the OP.

An understanding of the 'terminology' will help PPs offer advice/thoughts, surely?
Otherwise, limits responses

I knew what it meant, I get that other don't don't but 3 pages in, it's been explained now so let's move on. 🤷‍♀️

This is posted in AIBU where you could literally say your neighbour set your dog on fire and someone would say you are unreasonable to be upset. The OP's situation needs to be posted in Relationships but a lot of people think that the Relationships board is about DP/DH relationships and it isn't it is about all relationships including parental and sibling etc. That board is far more supportive than AIBU which is known for brawling sadly.

The term flying monkeys has been used on MN at least a decade before TikTok was ever invented and I have experienced it personally in real life by a woman who liked to play the victim. Sadly grown women like to think they are back in the playground and get involved in other people's lives and create drama, just like on this board.

Most sensible response on this thread.

Keeps the high road, and immediately dumps the strange baggage right at the feet of those it belongs to, rather than picking it up and carrying it as your own.

Do you like the relative whose wedding it is?

If so then go along, stick with people that you know and like and any other vaguely friendly others.

If other relatives glare at you, smile sweetly back and turn away.

If they approach you to have a go then a polite but firm "I'm sorry, I don't think Belinda's wedding is the place and I don't think you're aware of all of the details. Excuse me" and walk away.

I don’t have any opinion, it’s just strangers on the internet and their behaviour and choices are beyond my control. To some extent it’s unavoidable because people like to put labels on everything.

Your advice is spot on.

Absolutely. “Flying monkeys” is a twee over simplified description popularised by social media. It’s not an educated psychological descriptor of human behaviour.

Over simplifying complex family relationships by identifying a hero and a villain isn’t helpful. It absolves one person of any responsibility in a complex dynamic, and labels the other person as “evil” .

Its not a term a psychologist would use.

I understand your situation (and terminology) perfectly.

What I don’t understand is why you are there? Can you leave? Or completely avoid the toxicity by doing your own thing?

Lesson learned for you hopefully, you were foolish to willingly put yourself in harm’s way.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for this post!
This thread just seems to be full of people willing to pull your head from your shoulders if you don't know what a flying (actually winged) monkey is, or that is related to narc behaviour (you see, in my day, a narc was the equivalent of a grass - someone who told, not someone who was a narcissist!)
And yes, it seems everything does require a label...!!

@SmileyClare if you Google it, there's who sections on it across physiology websites. They do use that term.
@HowIrresponsible because then that person becomes cut off from family occasions and connections.

People are lucky that they haven't had someone so destructive in their lives. A relative by marriage has a PD and attachment disorder because of being fostered and the contact with family being a shit show. She decided, in her teens to target two of her siblings and can not see them as equal victims. She's emigrated, but still manages to recruit FM.
OP the only way to handle it is as suggested. Shut it down, ask is it appropriate at a family wedding, tell them that it's your business and keep out of it.

Hello, @Flyingmmonkeys !
Still awaiting an answer....

Go and talk to the glaring relative; say that they clearly have some sort of issue with you, can you sort it out? And take it from there.