How do you deal with flying monkeys : people you don't know well but know they speak the words of their controller

[Flyingmmonkeys]

. ?? I've got a several days wedding with flying monkeys from my sister.
An ex flying monkey told me my sister (much older) is obsessed with me and overwhelming jealous. People I know less than aqantences have been vile to me , people I don't know have been vile and other family members I don't see much have been vile and they all feel sorry for her? They use the same phrases about me she uses
What do you say? How do you combat it she's extremely good at what she does ie turning family members away.

It’s not generally deliberate on anyone’s part. It’s part of a system of scapegoating a family member. It’s what allows dysfunctional families to appear stable. The problem is pinpointed as being someone else, over there. People tend to unintentionally cooperate.

So the outcast child has ‘always been difficult’, ‘doesn’t care how much he’s upsetting his mother’ etc. People flock to explain to the outcast that ‘you only have one mum’, and ‘if only I could see my mum again’ etc. They think they are helping but they are just reinforcing someone else’s abuse.

If you don’t think flying monkeys are a problem, it’s possible you are one!

@CubistViolin
In short, absolutely.

It's been utterly hideous and awful and like a horror film. She doesn't work, she has substance issues and has definitely turned people against me!
One of the reformed flying monkeys who attacked me once said she's obsessed with me, insanely jealous, and so on.
It's like her life's skill.
Crazy I know.

But you're going to her several day abroad wedding for what reason? I think you enjoy the drama.

I cut my sister off for less because I just can't have this disorder and abuse in my life. I don't benefit anything from it. But not you! You're walking into it.

Yes, seen the WoO!! I know them in that context, that's why I thought the OP was talking about a themed game! I didn't think to associate it with human behaviours.
To me, someone passing on messages from someone else is either a gossip or go-between, and if they are being nasty at someone else's behest, they are a fucking bitch! Apologies for the simplistic approach!
No, haven't seen the term here before, despite being around for a while! As you say, every day is a learning day.

The term flying monkeys predates tiktok by many years and comes from the Wizard of Oz books that were written by the end of the 19th centaury, so long before the advent of the internet.

It”s a well-known phenomenon associated with narcissistic behaviour. Narcs are often very charming and thrive on creating drama, conflicts and negative emotions. Most people become flying monkeys unwillingly, sometimes they genuinely don’t know that the narcissist is using them to spread gossip.

OP, act surprised and walk away. I would not go to the wedding if I were you, life is too short for this.

But how? Do these people live close to her, thousands of miles away from you, and have travelled for this wedding? Or are you saying she coaches them on the phone, and people you barely know approach you on her behalf to criticise your behaviour?

And if these people are wrong about you, why would you credit one of them, who you say also ‘attacked’ you, when they told you your sister is obsessed with you and ‘insanely jealous’? That doesn’t sound like the insight of a flying monkey.

It is a modern phenomenon though that suddenly everyone is a narcissist. It's ridiculous. True narcissist personality disorder is rare.

@KeirSpoutsTwaddle thank you.
I don't know what she uses to say about me however when we were on speaking terms (of sorts) when she was in UK a decade ago she did what she does to my uncle.

There wasn't a lock on the bathroom door and she hyper focused on it, and she went on about it so much that if I didn't know my uncle extremely well, and this daughters I would have thought he was a total dirty pervert

Soley because she turned the door lock into and it turned out actually tyere was a sliding lock but higher up

As an example she ran a pub and was desperate for staff and I needed some money so I covered some bar shifts for her .

The first time I walked into the bar and saw all the locals I got dirty looks and people were unfriendly. I've done lots of bar work and never experienced anything like it.
I went into have a relationship with one of them and he said "your sister warned us all your stuck up, lazy rude, nasty and you begged her for a job so she felt compelled to help you out".

My sister then went into to cause so much drama with the owner of that place the owner left snd the pub shut down.

The phrase has been around since 1939, and the Wizard of Oz movie.
Hardly a new expression
And dismissing it as a label doesn't help the awful situation the OP is in.

‘Narc’ as it’s used on here simply means ‘someone who doesn’t behave well to me’. As does ‘toxic’.

Phone cubist she's a big phone fan.

OP - whose wedding is it? Do you have to go?

OP everybody in the world will come across people like this at some point in their lives, either in their family, work, friendship group, neighbourhood etc. I'm old, I've seen it all! It's shit but it's not a challenge unique to you.

Yes, people like this are awful and unbearable and treat you badly and put you in a position where you feel you have to defend yourself. But you can simply choose not to be part of the drama. Inside yourself you have a reserve of calm and reasonableness. Draw on it to ignore them. There will always be people like this who want to get into a toxic combative drama with you. Walk away, grey rock them. It's possible.

Yes we all know what an actual fictional flying monkey is. The scary fuckers from the wizard of oz. It isn’t clever to try to patronise by explaining that.

what some of us are saying is

1. it isn’t true that 95 percent of people you don’t like are narcissists. Very very few people are. Not all behaviour you don’t like is because that person is a narcissist
2. it isn’t necessary to put labels into every single thing and group people into categories.
3. in all likelihood other people are far far less interested in you than you think and with most of the few who genuinely have a view you could probably dispel any preconceived ideas with a smile and some friendly words.
4. if you genuinely can’t cope with the situation don’t put yourself in it.

Walk away with a “not my circus, not my monkeys “ approach!

If people are so easily led and influenced by someone as clearly awful as your sister, why do you even give a shit what they think - they are obviously brainless idiots.

"Some random local called me stuck up" who fucking cares?!

Thankyou 🤣🤣🤣
I've never heard the term before - and I loved the wizard of Oz 🤣

It's a shit and highly irritating term that's caught on throughout Mumsnet.

Remember the monkeys in The Wizard of Oz that reported back to the Wicked Witch? That's what they're describing in human form (except Frank L Baum actually called them Winged Monkeys).

You can usually spot how juvenile a post will be by this reference alone.

Again, the interest and research into narcissism is much older than the interest and even older than the Wizard of Oz books. It’s quite common that things from specialist domains spread to people who are diagnosing left and right with information found online. There are no exams to pass to get internet access :-)

So my sister hates me she's turned slagging me off into a life's Misson and people are so disgusted with me, they attack me on her behalf

Why? Don’t they have minds/opinions of their own?

Don't be daft. The phrase/label was not applied to relationships in nineteen thirty fucking nine. It is relatively recent (as in not nearly 90 years old)

@SmileyClare she's nearly 20 years older than me and started all this roughly age 45

Whose wedding is it?

Will your sister actually be there?

Are you saying out of all the people that are attending this wedding, there will not be one person on your side and your sister has managed, from a distance, to poison everyone against you?

@FinalInstructionstotheAudience forgive me but this thread subject seems to be upsetting you in some way?
Mumsnet ethos is support.
Are you offering me support, I don't understand?

So you're on of those who thinks they can diagnose anyone as they don't like their behaviour.

This thread is weird as fuck. Quite frankly the OP isn't covering herself in glory either. Just walk away and leave it at that. Don't go to the wedding, block her everywhere you can and move on instead of this hysteria about how to handle this [enter pop psychology term of your choice] behaviour.

Don't go. If you do, on your own head be it.