Sister jealousy

[Dottiemay]

Not sure if this is the right thread but struggling to place. Hoping for people to send some objective insight.

I'm late mid 30s and single parent of a daughter aged ten. Also the youngest of three sisters. I had my daughter unexpectedly whilst not in a relationship and father is only semi involved. At the time of her birth I was finishing my PhD and working part time in a minimum wage job. I went back to work full time when she was 4 months old and in the ten years I've worked my way up to being on a salary upwards of 75k.

For some reason I'm insanely jealous of my middle sister and I can't work out why. She's married with three kids and works part time in a low paid admin role. Her husband isn't particularly great in terms of fatherhood duties. He earns mid-30s. This sister has a very cosy life, quite small town mentality, keeps family and friends close but isn't worldly or outward looking in perception etc. The closest I can get to describe her that people would understand is 'basic bitch' but she's not a bitch, she's lovely, just very simple.

None of this is what I want in life and nothing that aligns with my values or personality. In fact, my oldest sister is hugely high-flying, massive earner, very prolific in her field. And yet it's my middle sister I feel this jealousy of which feels so instinctive rather than rational that I can't make sense of it.

I don't want a husband who does no childcare. I don't want a minimum wage entry level job. Surely I should be jealous of my oldest sister who feels like me but a million times better? But I'm not, I'm just happy for her. And I can't work it out.

Any armchair psychs out there who want to float why?

Because she’s so happy maybe?

Is she content with her life? I am very jealous of people who can just be content and are not constantly worrying about what might go wrong / what do they need to get done / what should they achieve next.

Maybe you just want what contentment she might have with her lot? She doesn't sound very ambitious. Sometimes I think 'simpler' people are probably happier.

She's content, you and your older sister aren't. It's not a bad thing but people who strive for more never feel like they can relax.

Sounds like your middle sister is happy with her lot. I bet you yearn for the simplicity of contentment...?

Because your middle sister sounds content and happy- and you’re jealous of that

I think maybe this is it. She doesn't think deeply about anything. I think deeply about everything to the point of exhaustion. But I still can't reconcile it knowing that I wouldn't like to be a wife in a low paid job doing 90% of the house work and childcare. That's not what I want in my life at all. Don't flame me, I'm being honest but there's a bit of me that feels sad that she has such plans and now she's taken such a gendered path with a half arsed husband. None of this is something I'd want for myself. I literally can't understand my own mind!

jealousy is toxic full stop!

just enjoy what you have

True. Jealousy is toxic. I don't think I'm jealous of my sister though on a rational level

Well, she probably sound asleep in a warm bed right now with her husband and the kids tucked up in their bed.
Meanwhile you’re navel gazing and asking strangers online why you’re jealous of someone you believe is beneath you.

Your sister has won at life, she is content and is probably very loved. I doubt you could honestly say the same.

Maybe you’re honestly just tired of striving and a subconscious is telling you to just be content and slow down and not care about the high salary etc

This. How awful are you about her. 'Small town mentality' 'basic bitch' 🤔. Why are you 'sad' she's happy with her life?
Are you really thinking she should be jealous of you with your 'educated and monied' life, and pissed off she isn't?!

I think this too. It’s the wanting.
Similar occurred with DP who thinks he craves power, status, and money, and a friend who he’s long looked down on but who is settled and content.

Is it just jealousy, or is there a tiny bit of contempt in there too? Surely, having given up trying to achieve and settled for a lowly life, she should be a bit dissatisfied/aware? Do you have a little voice saying that, alongside the jealousy about her contentment? It would be very uncomfortable to feel that way about a lovely sister, and probably natural to Bury it under a baffling level of unwarranted jealousy so you don't have to realise it too closely

This is a quite mean. OP wasn't unkind in her posting, she said her sister was lovely. Being loved by a romantic partner isn't the only love that is valid. You can be loved by many people; children, family, friends, colleagues. I think OP trying to understand this says something about her.

OP's sister might have won at life right now but nearly half marriages end in divorce so maybe not keeping a career active won't win out in the long term.

I was trying to find a way to describe her that people would understand. Not trying to slag her off. As I said in my original post.

Fingers crossed then for the marriage to fail and the OP might feel a bit better about herself then 🤞

I don't think OP is simply jealous. She has a yearning for something in her sister's life, she can't explain it, and she's doing the healthy thing of exploring what is at the root of that. No point just saying 'don't have those feelings'.

Dottiemay, is it possible that in being a single parent and in succeeding admirably at your career, you have some innate parent guilt? Could there be a cosy child-centred vibe to your sister's setup that slightly triggers you? Nothing to feel guilty about, but social conditioning is quite strong about the mother role even if you know really that you've ultimately given you and your kid the best outcome of the situation?

This.

OP is trying to understand what's at play as she's feeling something she can't make sense of and looking for advice.

Typical MN being so cruel to someone who is being vulnerable and trying to find answers to better herself?!

Not trying to slag her off? Read back what you wrote about her.
This sister has a very cosy life, quite small town mentality, keeps family and friends close but isn't worldly or outward looking in perception etc. The closest I can get to describe her that people would understand is 'basic bitch' but she's not a bitch, she's lovely, just very simple.
-Small town mentality
-Isn't worldly or outward looking
-A basic bitch
-Is simple
Yep, all lovely kind things to write!!

Thank you ❤️ didn't expect to get flamed for this thread.

Yes, maybe it's the toll of being a single parent. I have 90% of the childcare responsibilities and finances. I'm proud of myself for working myself up to this point and I feel it's a good lesson for my daughter too. But it's really hard to keep the show on the road and be senior in your career, a single parent and maintain all the house admin.

But if someone is not worldly and small town in their outlook, can you not describe them as that? Come on now

Jealous of the lack of worry and stress? Even if it's not what you want for yourself, the relaxed life is something to be jealous of.

Possibly, but as a simple,basic bitch? And just because the OP thinks this small town/not worldly, (which is clearly meant as a negative) doesn't mean it's true.

By slating her sister, her BIL

saying her sister is basic, simple, doesn’t think deeply?

Thats cruel- to say that about your own sister. Unless you think that’s normal behaviour.

Either you think very little of our comprehension skills here or you were “trying to slag her off.”

You can’t have both.

I have a sister like you. She has everything in the world you could possibly ask for. And yet she’s jealous of me for some lifelong unknown reason that she refuses to define or acknowledge. She just makes catty little remarks and thinks I don’t notice and tries to undermine me to the family.
Joke’s on her — I don’t care any more.
I’d think about that previous sentence if I were you.