Sister jealousy

[Dottiemay]

Not sure if this is the right thread but struggling to place. Hoping for people to send some objective insight.

I'm late mid 30s and single parent of a daughter aged ten. Also the youngest of three sisters. I had my daughter unexpectedly whilst not in a relationship and father is only semi involved. At the time of her birth I was finishing my PhD and working part time in a minimum wage job. I went back to work full time when she was 4 months old and in the ten years I've worked my way up to being on a salary upwards of 75k.

For some reason I'm insanely jealous of my middle sister and I can't work out why. She's married with three kids and works part time in a low paid admin role. Her husband isn't particularly great in terms of fatherhood duties. He earns mid-30s. This sister has a very cosy life, quite small town mentality, keeps family and friends close but isn't worldly or outward looking in perception etc. The closest I can get to describe her that people would understand is 'basic bitch' but she's not a bitch, she's lovely, just very simple.

None of this is what I want in life and nothing that aligns with my values or personality. In fact, my oldest sister is hugely high-flying, massive earner, very prolific in her field. And yet it's my middle sister I feel this jealousy of which feels so instinctive rather than rational that I can't make sense of it.

I don't want a husband who does no childcare. I don't want a minimum wage entry level job. Surely I should be jealous of my oldest sister who feels like me but a million times better? But I'm not, I'm just happy for her. And I can't work it out.

Any armchair psychs out there who want to float why?

Given this is your sister are your emotions based in childhood? My children can be very envious of one another and competitive. Sometimes the youngest one competes with the middle one to be better at something and the middle one doesn't even realise or care. I can imagine these types of behaviour continuing to adulthood albeit subconsciously.

It does come across like you think you're better than her.

Perhaps it’s jealousy of her being content with what she has rather than you wanting what she has.

Agree. I hope the sister never realises.

I have a sister that was jealous of me.
i had a baby young i took a lot of stigma from her.
I worked hard over the years to get where i am now.
Like your sister i live in a small town a few friends im happy with life and how it turned out i have a job not a high earner but i earn enough.
Im now in my 30s my child is 21 and moved out my sister cant stand me because well i have no children around my feet i have a small home that i love im a minimalist and single but she cant understand that i like my life she thinks im unhappy as i cant be content and happy with what i have in life.

She however is way in her 40s and with a baby and a teen a husband that cant earn enough for her liking.
Constantly moaning how hard parenting is how she needs a break.
And always wants more in life more money more friends enough is never enough for her.
And will find some crap to say about anyone that is like me people that are happy with life and what they have.
We dont talk much any more but she dose rat on to my other sitser about how sad i am how lonely i must be how i always smile just to cover up the fact im so unhappy with life.

That's not what @Twistybranch has said, she's said Your sister has won at life, she is content and is probably very loved. So I read it as content and being loved=winning?
Or do you agree with the OP and think winning only = financial and academic success?

Basic bitch is a term used to mean a white woman who is not particularly intelligent and who is into mainstream culture activities and clothing, like for example Love Island, gin o’clock and girlie nights out. Someone who doesn’t think much further than their immediate life. I’m sure you have an idea of what I mean. It doesn’t mean that the person is a bitch. I believe it originated in US rap culture.

I am jealous of my sister who lives in a nice village has one child, works but husband is the main earner. I am the breadwinner and was happy with this until I got older. It’s hard being the one who holds all the responsibilities. I am jealous of my sisters opportunity to relax, do what she wants and let someone else bear the main burdens.

Ah, thanks for that! So it's the person using it that's a derisory bitch then as its clearly not meant in a complimentary or 'kind' way.

I don’t think you understand what the OP is saying at all.

Basic bitch has never been a kind or complementary way of describing anyone.

You sound rather nasty about her and her life actually. Calling her small town mentality and basic for a start, clearly you think she's beneath you.

@Dottiemay I think the jealousy stems from her life being not necessarily easy, but uncomplicated. My life is similar in many ways, though OH does pull his weight around the house and as a partner/parent.

She knows who she is, what she wants and she has it and is happy and content with her lot in life . You wanted and want more, but that comes with its own challenges and choices. You wouldn't be happy with her life, but envy the "ease" of it. Sadly, you can't have both, at least not at the moment.

What is she saying then?

I can't get past you describing your sister as a "basic bitch" and "very simple"! You sound absolutely horrible.

Jealousy and envy are curious beasts. What they resemble to the perceived is very often a reflection of themselves in a state of lack. We can often learn more of ourselves from this reflection than we can from any other. Often we have a warped view of what we think we should be and can fool ourselves that what we think we see is what we want to be. However, jealousy and envy are not false feelings. They are often brutal and honest and hard to face.

When envy rises up in me I feel I have to face it head on and examine what it is that needles me so much. Well done op on having the self perception and honesty to examine and confront this. Being honest to yourself is one of the hardest things to be. I hope you find what it is that you secretly want and take action. Your sister is teaching you something here.

I once read that jealousy is a form of entitlement. When you feel it, it’s because you feel you are entitled to these things. Which is why when we see someone that we deem ‘beneath us’ (that is horrible I know) having something that we feel we are entitled to more be that due to harder work / higher perceived social status / higher intelligence / whatever, it hits us harder.

When I was at school I was in a group that prided itself on being ambitious and intelligent. One of the group completely withdrew from me when I found myself the first to get married, own a house and have children. She admitted years later that she was so jealous she couldn’t bear to be near me because I made her feel poor, single and scared of never having children of her own. Yet she was fine about others in the group when it eventually happened to them. I think this was because she always had perceived me as ‘lesser‘ than her and the others she’d always seen as equal to her. So she felt I didn’t ‘deserve’ it so to speak. It’s really sad as I would have loved our friendship to continue but her blindness and jealousy prevented it.

I think I understand your feelings.

My neighbour doesn’t have a job.
I would not want her life, and she talks a lot about money and seems to hate people with jobs and money.

I don’t want her life but I can’t understand how she is getting away with not working.
That option was not available to me.

It’s not jealousy though it’s like a rage or annoyance at her.

I can’t explain it either and luckily I never see her but I think what gets to me is that she is getting away with things that I had no choice about.

Could it be similar reasons about your sister?

@Dottiemay i was a single mum while the kids were growing. I have the senior career. Of course it’s hard. But no point comparing to other people. Comparing lives never works. I could look at anyone, and wish I had bits of their lives and glad I don’t have other bits of their lives.

My personal opinion on this that it isn’t really jealousy. There’s some jealousy. But I think you have made up this (incorrect) narrative that certain choices and preferences are, innately, better and so entitle you to certain things.

and people who don’t make those choices shouldn’t be content with what they have.

This is about you being frustrated. You made choices that you felt would lead to a fulfilled life. And you don’t feel it’s fulfilled. You are applying those rules to your sister and annoyed she is content despite making different choices.

The other sister that has a successful career doesn’t spark this in you, because she has made similar choices to you. So that fits your narrative.

Once you can reconcile that your choices aren’t better, aren’t the secret code to being successful at life and accept different people can be content with different choices and lifestyles you will find the jealousy disappears.

What a grim turn of phrase...

@Dottiemay

If you haven’t already read it give Mary Harrington’s Feminism against progress a go.I found it an interesting read.

It may give you and insight into why you feel like you do and how as unfair as it is the world is currently set up to benefit your sisters choices not yours.( Spolier alert it’s the patriarchy)

No excuse for the basic bitch analogy I hope you didn’t really mean it. I also wouldn’t underestimate the power of good, enjoyable, regular sex!!

I agree with all this.

Do you think (rightly of wrongly) that she has less stress than you, and you're jealous of that?

Is she happily married? Are you jealous of that, even though her actual husband isn't your cup of tea?

Are you jealous that she's perhaps more rooted in a community she's been in all her life, has more very long-term friendships etc?

Yes, OP would working on your friendships help? I know personally how hard it is for a single mum who has no close friends. And family? Are you close to your parents?

And obvs don't let your envy poison your bond w your sister- 'Basic bitch' is horrible, why do you need to use sexist rap terms!

Honest? One of the worst personality traits is thinking other people are beneath you.

The OP doesn’t feel bad because she thinks in this horrible way about her sister. The OP’s navel gazing is because she wants validation that she is superior to her uninspiring sister and wants strangers to tell her that she deserves her perceived status quo.

Who cares about PHDs and senior roles when you’re leading an unfulfilled and bitter life? What office worker looks back when they are approaching the end of their career, and doesn’t realise they will be replaced by a younger, brighter person the next business day after they leave? Their name will be wiped from the company’s website and be quickly forgotten about.

The OP’s sister will have her family, her community and the things she nurtured and put her time and energy into until the end.

I would much rather be called a Basic Bitch than a Homebody. I don't think op is being horrible at all.

I have been a single parent to 2 girls and am a real worrier. I used to look at friends with partners who did things and it was so alien to me, I couldn't even feel jealous. I think family is different and you do have rivalry since birth - some much more pronounced than others.

Have you always felt like this? Not to delve too deep but is there some dynamic from childhood? Sorry, wrong quote. meant to quote the one this quote responded to