Sister jealousy

[Dottiemay]

Not sure if this is the right thread but struggling to place. Hoping for people to send some objective insight.

I'm late mid 30s and single parent of a daughter aged ten. Also the youngest of three sisters. I had my daughter unexpectedly whilst not in a relationship and father is only semi involved. At the time of her birth I was finishing my PhD and working part time in a minimum wage job. I went back to work full time when she was 4 months old and in the ten years I've worked my way up to being on a salary upwards of 75k.

For some reason I'm insanely jealous of my middle sister and I can't work out why. She's married with three kids and works part time in a low paid admin role. Her husband isn't particularly great in terms of fatherhood duties. He earns mid-30s. This sister has a very cosy life, quite small town mentality, keeps family and friends close but isn't worldly or outward looking in perception etc. The closest I can get to describe her that people would understand is 'basic bitch' but she's not a bitch, she's lovely, just very simple.

None of this is what I want in life and nothing that aligns with my values or personality. In fact, my oldest sister is hugely high-flying, massive earner, very prolific in her field. And yet it's my middle sister I feel this jealousy of which feels so instinctive rather than rational that I can't make sense of it.

I don't want a husband who does no childcare. I don't want a minimum wage entry level job. Surely I should be jealous of my oldest sister who feels like me but a million times better? But I'm not, I'm just happy for her. And I can't work it out.

Any armchair psychs out there who want to float why?

Instead you want to be on your own, working full time earning a middling salary and doing 100% of the housework and childcare?

Nothing wrong in taking ‘such a gendered path’. Sad to hear about the half arsed husband though. But if she’s happy she’s happy.

She doesn't think deeply about anything.

You know this how? She's such a "basic bitch" that she doesn't have the ability?

I think deeply about everything to the point of exhaustion.

How totally unproductive. You should get help for that.

I think the way you've written about your sister is quite horrible and it has made me feel really sad for her, actually. She would be devastated if she knew how little you think of her in order to big yourself up.

I think maybe that's it. When I got my mortgage, I asked my sister for advice about rates and payments etc as she'd had a mortgage for years before then and she replied very airily "oh I don't know, husband deals with all of that, no idea". Again, my quandary. I wouldn't want to not know all of this and put someone else in control of my finances to that degree but I'm jealous she's able to relinquish that stress maybe.

Poor vacuous sister. It really is a mystery why you’re so jealous of her.

You have a complicated stressful life she has a simple happy one. It doesn't matter that you don't actually want her life, you just want a bit more peace.

Husband
Works part time
3 children
Cost life
Has close friends and family

Do you have the same or do you just work your ass off and stress about everything. Her life sounds simpler and remember some people don't value money. All they want is enough for a home and food and material things they are content without

Presumably nothing to do with sister. She wants what she has - you don’t want what you have/think you wanted. You might want it more if other people like your sister coveted it but they don’t - would be v interested in why you did a PhD? For some reason I have found it is often a sign of some kind of need for something that rarely hits the mark….

Probably all off base 😂 but enjoying being an armchair psychologist!!

Tbf yes I would absolutely rather be living alone doing my housework rather than in a partnership where the other person is meant to do 50% and in actual fact does nothing.

Also don't think 80k is a middling salary. Thanks

Maybe because she is a nicer person than you?

Can we not be honest on here anymore?

Sorry going to stick up for OP her. She put up a post because she couldn't make out her feelings about it. She knew she didn't want sister's actual life but felt strangely jealous but couldn't explain. Sorry, but this is half the people I see in therapy. People wanting to explain why they feel a certain way. And them wanting to explain it says something about the kind of person they are.

He certainly doesn't love her enough to equally participate in raising their kids. And if she has small kids she is probably up with them right now while the twat is sound asleep

You could have said 'She's a real homebody who loves having her friends and family around and doesn't seem to let the weight of the world get to her in the same way I do.'

The way you described her really is pretty damning, despite throwing 'she's lovely' in amongst a wholly derogatory description. And using the pretext of posters here 'understanding' you was really flimsy considering none of it was really relevant.

It sounds like you are just bog-standard jealous of her. You've worked really hard to achieve an impressive career and good wage, but you aren't happy and she is.

You don't have to pick away at her perceived flaws to persuade yourself that you wouldn't like her life - you know you wouldn't - but if you would like to be as happy with your lot as she is then you have to focus on yourself, not her.

As someone who's done the 'independent woman' bullshit, I wish I had what your sister has- that peace and contentment with their lot in life is priceless. For everything else, there's Mastercard!

Lol shame on op for not using 3000 words on an internet chatroom known for it's brevity

And them wanting to explain it says something about the kind of person they are.

As does the way they choose to do so.

What does a successful life look like for you? Write it down. It sounds like you view “success” in a very rigid traditional sense. Salaries and work ambition aren’t everything. I don’t think anyone lies on their death bed thinking “thank goodness I worked all those hours to earn a big salary”.

Maybe this is what I want. Peace and contentment not striving for a new salary. I'm glad I have done cos it's done well for my daughter and I and I'm proud of myself. But maybe stepping back is what's right

Thought I was going to agree with you wholeheartedly or flame you based on your post… but think I understand a bit better after your other comments.

I’ll do neither…
Sometimes we’re jealous of the things we don’t actually want. I think that’s ok as long as you keep it in perspective.

That’s fair enough then.

FWIW I think a high salary is anything over 100k.. so yeah 80 would be middling in my opinion. Not being rude, but your comment about mid 30’s being ‘low paid’ and therefore a contributing factor as to why your sisters life is so much worse than yours has really come across badly. Actually, everything that you have said about your sister and her family comes across horribly to be honest.

Thank you so much for this. It's really helped me. Success is a lot of things. It's also different if you're a single mother

When we strive for bigger and better outcomes in life, perhaps we want other people to acknowledge our achievements and want them too and when this doesn't happen, we feel discombobulated. Perhaps you feel uneasy that you are now feeling envious of your sister when on paper you have the majority of the tick marks? Perhaps you are subconsciously realising that having a senior role professionally isn't enviable after all? Perhaps other people learned at a much earlier age that prioritising work isn't enough to make them happy?

Has your sister complained about her husband by the way? Because again perhaps he isn't measuring up to your ideal of fatherhood duties but your sister might prefer having this as her role, feeling needed and being 'in charge' at home. My friend married someone who didn't have the same support as she did growing up. From an early age, he worked in low paid jobs and still does. He isn't a wonderful father and she does the brunt of the worrying about their kids but I also know that while she complained about it when their kids were much younger, she likes to be in full control of all situations and whatever he did wouldn't be the right (her) way. She treats him as if he's another child most of the time yet they've been together for twenty five years and have a stable, comfortable relationship.

Forget how shitty Mumsnet are. They don't like career women. They don't like mums who assume they might be taking time out of work. They don't like mums taking time out of work. They don't like people who get ahead of themselves and progress their career. They don't like women who stay at home and raise their kids. They don't like it if you didn't change your name when you got married because it shames their feminist credentials. They bang on about why their child has the surname of their deadbeat dad and it's still feminist.

It’s a interesting question!

In case any of this resonates, when I’ve … well, not been jealous of but kind of fixated on what certain people are posting on their public, clearly identified social feeds it’s always those who are completely comfortable sharing frank opinions online or being really candid about their lives.

I’m just the opposite, find it so hard to say what I’m feeling to anyone, even a therapist!

But when I would read their posts I wasn’t wistfully thinking “I wish I was like you!” it usually had quite a mean edge to it. I especially liked identifying when they’d contradict some strongly held opinion they’d expressed earlier, which obviously is my way of reassuring myself that I’m better off keeping quiet than to be, God forbid, inconsistent.

Hope you haven’t left the thread because of the posts from people outraged at what your sister will never know you said but completely comfortable fully laying into a real human being they know is reading their posts!

Appreciated nice!