Sister jealousy

[Dottiemay]

Not sure if this is the right thread but struggling to place. Hoping for people to send some objective insight.

I'm late mid 30s and single parent of a daughter aged ten. Also the youngest of three sisters. I had my daughter unexpectedly whilst not in a relationship and father is only semi involved. At the time of her birth I was finishing my PhD and working part time in a minimum wage job. I went back to work full time when she was 4 months old and in the ten years I've worked my way up to being on a salary upwards of 75k.

For some reason I'm insanely jealous of my middle sister and I can't work out why. She's married with three kids and works part time in a low paid admin role. Her husband isn't particularly great in terms of fatherhood duties. He earns mid-30s. This sister has a very cosy life, quite small town mentality, keeps family and friends close but isn't worldly or outward looking in perception etc. The closest I can get to describe her that people would understand is 'basic bitch' but she's not a bitch, she's lovely, just very simple.

None of this is what I want in life and nothing that aligns with my values or personality. In fact, my oldest sister is hugely high-flying, massive earner, very prolific in her field. And yet it's my middle sister I feel this jealousy of which feels so instinctive rather than rational that I can't make sense of it.

I don't want a husband who does no childcare. I don't want a minimum wage entry level job. Surely I should be jealous of my oldest sister who feels like me but a million times better? But I'm not, I'm just happy for her. And I can't work it out.

Any armchair psychs out there who want to float why?

To me, OP, it seems neither you or your sister have the ideal life. I can understand why you wanted a high salary as a single parent, but do you enjoy your job, or is the salary your only plus? Maybe when your children are older you could try for a career in a different field? It must have been a real struggle doing everything, my own mother brought me up on her own, so I can empathise w wanting someone to shoulder some of the load. But remember there's a difference between that & not being able to do those things in case you were alone, it sounds like your sister is a bit like this.

As for your sister, if her husband works but she doesn't it seems less bad that he doesn't help out, but still not that great. Although if she really enjoys doing it all, I guess it's OK. Still, she may not be totally happy with that, but maybe not letting on, just as you may seem happier to her than you really are. Surely 3 kids & doing most of the work involves challenge and worry at times, remember you only see her at certain times. Does she not have any career dreams anymore or maybe just put them on hold until the kids grow up? It seems a shame to give other interests up totally.

patchworkbear, did you not really like your career and prefer to have been a sahm? If so, I get what you mean, a high salary job isn't the only fulfilling activity. But independence itself isn't bullshit surely? What if a husband leaves? I think personally sahms should have a wage to give them more security. & surely part of being an adult is taking on challenge and stress? Obvs not all the time, that's unhealthy for anyone.
I think a middle ground is best. Surely challenge can be balanced w contentment? Ie you can be happy w what you have while still stretching yourself? This reminds me a bit of Michelle Obama's Becoming, where she real7sed her law job was more for validation that she'd made it, than for personal enjoyment, and she found the hospital job she enjoyed much more but earned less for.

I think a senior role is enviable, in the sense that it's something you've strived for. But 3 kids take a lot of striving too! A huge salary isn't enviable but itself, but it is important if like OP you're the sole provider
Op, did you like your PhD? Was it an area you prefer to what you do now?

Maybe it’s because she’s happy and in love and has a decent guy for her kids. You don’t.

OP as someone in quite a similar situation to yourself (minus the sister!) I would imagine, based on my experience and some of your posts, that I suspect you may be jealous of her being able to outsource/share some of life’s load. I am 100% responsible for everything and while I’d be a dreadful partner (I’m far too selfish!) it would be very nice indeed to be able to have someone else take care of (for example) working out what mortgage to get. It is all on me and sounds like it is all on you too.

And one more thing, OP? Does your DD's dad do nothing at all? Is there any way you could get him to help more? It takes 2 ti make a child, he should do something.

A senior role isn't necessarily enviable though?. I know people who have turned down senior roles because they realised they didn't want the responsibility, stress and time involved in doing it well.

My DH doesn't regret doing a PHD but he also doesn't think it helped him progress at all and is now doing another course in his field.

Its obvious that the OP isn't fulfilled. Her criticism of her sister's job, her sister's husband, her sister's village and community, her sister's lack of just about everything - is focussing on the wrong person and avoiding self criticism.

The OP has worked hard to get to where she is now and its a hard knock to come to the realisation that instead of people feeling envious of her, for all she knows many people might actually pity her - a single mum, working full time, bearing all the responsibility for another person for the next twenty years. Its possible the OP is looking at her middle sister (who she considers the polar opposite of her) and is resentful that she hasn't got what her sister has...she really doesn't want what her sister has, she wants tenfold what her sister has......... this is the enviable position she really wants to be in.

I also find it interesting that the OP used the word jealousy and not envy. She resents her sister.

Sounds like she has a strong community around her, maybe you're jealous of that?

I'd guess that you're jealous that your sister is married and the fact her children have a father in the picture. You can describe him as hands-off but she obviously felt able to have three DC in her set-up. Perhaps you don't see what he does behind the scenes?

I think you know that the optimum upbringing for a child is within a family with two parents and you feel an underlying guilt for your daughter. You know that money cannot replace a parent and that your DNs all have one another as siblings through life.

Ultimately I think you know that you've given your all to secure your career path and progression and so you don't feel jealous of your other sister because she has simply given her all in the same respect. Neither of you could have done more. Whereas you perhaps haven't put the same weight or value on finding a long-term partner.

I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with other family set-ups, having an only child etc. We're all trying our damndest, but I've given it to you straight as you don't seem to mind straight-talking.

Sometimes we get jealous of things even though we know if we had them, we wouldn't like it. I run my own business and I get jealous of those with jobs who can have a holiday without it playing on their mind or have a regular secure salary.

But then I know that life would not suit me and there are benefits to what I have too. It seems cheesy but I often have to reframe my mind to be thankful for the life I have.

Are they all quite as derogatory and critical of the person they look down on, but admit they're jealous of?

Fucking hell, what is it with MN users like you? Maybe try what OP is doing and have some introspection, you’re clearly a miserable person to make a comment like this.

OP I think it’s a case of “I’ve had to do all of this to get to where I am whilst she coasts along…and she’s happy, how?” The equation that we’re taught (by capitalism) hasn’t added up here.

I’m very much your sister’s type, I don’t want to take over the world, I’m happy running my 2 small businesses, paying my bills and going for walks with my dog. Maybe it’s worth reflecting on if there’s something simple in life that you’re missing out on.

I do admire high achievers, fair play to you guys but I do notice a “what’s next?” mentality. I’ve also heard people say that high achievers are either running away or towards something. I think that’s something worth pondering

I find this interesting as I found myself looking at drug addicts sleeping rough who were drunk in the daytime during a stressful period of my life and thinking I wish I could be like to be them. Obviously I didn’t really want this and in reality, their life must be far more stressful, it wasn’t rational, but when I really analysed it, it was because I felt like I had so much responsibility and such high expectations on my shoulders and it was scary. I bet you have had years of pushing down your fears of having to cope with everything alone. You have also done very well in your career but it probably comes with some sacrifices that your sister hasn’t had to make. I still yearn for a life with less responsibility from time to time, am hoping it comes in retirement but I have a DD with autism so am not sure I will ever get to be selfish again. Like you, I am also an over thinker and this never really frees you up to live in a carefree way. Best thing to do is to practice gratitude and focus in on all the things in your life that make you happy, even the small ones. And whilst you will never be your sister you could take some inspiration from the life she has created to see how you might want to re-shape yours a bit.

The curse of being ambitious and intelligent is that you often can’t help overthinking and you become your own worst enemy. You are never satisfied. You will never be the sort of person who just skips along happy with your lot but that’s a good thing.

Lol at the people saying the sister has won at life. Sounds like her husband is useless but I guess if your goal is to get a man, any man, then she has won at life. The OP and many others would rather be single than sacrificing ourselves for some lazy dickhead who could help us out but chooses not to though.

I agree that you can be jealous of things you know you wouldn't actually like. I get this sometimes.

I actually posted on here about it as I always get it every summer when I see everyone's holidays. I can't deal with heat and I hate flying, but I see people's holidays and feel jealous- even though I know I'd hate being in an AI in Greece in 38 degrees and would much rather be in a Welsh cottage on the side of a mountain.

OP I think that most jealousy is because the person isn’t happy in their own life or feels something is missing. In your situation I think the jealousy of your sister is an unhealthy mechanism you’ve developed to avoid analysing your own situation too deeply.

It might help to really concentrate on what you want out of life. Being a single parent is hard, and it sounds like you’re doing a great job, but focussing on yourself and acknowledging you may need more sometimes is ok to! Please don’t allow this negativity to fester, neither you nor your sister deserve for it to negatively affect your relationship.

How can someone be lovely and yet a bitch at the same time? It makes no sense..

Have you always been envious of her, as kids were you? Is part of it she’s married?

I get what you're saying, OP. You already know jealousy is toxic but you're trying to understand it. I think that's the right way to go.

Emotions are only human, we all have them, I don't suppose for an instant the OP wants to be jealous. To admit you feel that way and try to do something about it is courageous, the unkind comments don't help someone to do that.

Use the jealousy to examine carefully what it is exactly what you are jealous about. Usually that feeling is telling you that something is amiss in your own life and when you have identified what it is, you can make changes yourself which either make you more content, more fulfilled or happier in some way....you will know you have succeeded because the jealousy will go.

Try to examine every single aspect about your sister, her personality, her life, her relationships etc., Compare it to your own but do it in a way which doesn't concentrate on how she does things but whether that aspect is good/fulfilling or needs changing in your own life. Eventually you will come across things which you might want to change for yourself, or where you may have dreams for the future or even regrets from the past. That will give you the clues you need.

Good luck with it!

Sorry, haven’t rift but might it help to reframe this as envy rather than jealousy, and live with it?
For me, a jealous person wants what someone else has instead of them, not as well as them. They want to take that thing away from them. Envy is less toxic and rooted in a more real, more reasonable world. You can live with envy, probably ?

Did you want more children? That was my immediate thought. Or maybe it's because she's happily married. Her husband might not be as useless as everyone is making out. I don't see why he should do half the housework and childcare if he's working full time and she's part time. At least he sorted out the mortgage, so has taken on some of the house admin, but you also seem to have found fault with this.

I have a friend who is never happy with what she's got. At one stage she was jealous of her own dh as she said he hadn't worked hard enough for his role , as though it was just handed to him on a plate. She spoke about reading a book for therapy - how it was to help with envy and jealousy. This is something I've never encountered and I've realised over the years that she probably looks down on most people in her life, including me.

I'm not career- focused and although I have a degree I am happy to coast along, I'm not someone who dreams to succeed. I think this perplexes her. I like a simple life whereas she's always looking at her next holiday, or the new designer bag she saw. She pushes herself constantly and seems to think others should do the same. I do know however that she envies my family life. She always wanted the husband and kids fairytale but unfortunately it didn't work out (probably due to her being so focused on her career) Envy seems to be a vicious circle.

Jeez @Twistybranch - do you need to be so awful. Don't kick someone when they're down. OP is trying to work something out. No need to be so damn harsh.

It’s easy to be jealous of people who’ve found their place in the world, even if their place isn’t what you want for yourself.

You sound a bit like the younger of DHs brothers. He would never admit to being jealous but some of the digs he makes towards DH and our life very much suggest he is but he doesn't know why. I'm not saying you're digging, just trying to give a perspective.

We are not flashy. We're comfortable enough to be flashy if we wanted to be but it doesn't interest us. So we have an older car, a smaller house and a simpler way of life. It suits us, so we're happy. And that's what he digs at, the fact we are "the poor relations" or that his "stuff" is better. We definitely earn more as a household than he does but you'd never know it.

I think people really do want to be content, but think they need certain things to be there. And it's fine to want a different life. Maybe if you find what makes you content you'll feel differently?

How on earth has she ‘won’ at life? Unless you think having a husband, children and a tendency to underthink are the pinnacle of existence?