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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel as though my dh's snoring is ruining our marriage?

125 replies

ZanyFox · 14/08/2024 11:34

I am in my late 50s, dh is a few years younger. He has always snored a bit, but as he's got older it's become horrific. Really loud. I think he's a bit overweight - he has a solid belly and he carries fat around his neck and jawline. Annoyingly his mum thinks he's LOST weight and keeps telling him so! He looks quite different to how he looked a few years ago when he was fitter and more active- I can't help thinking this fat has made the snoring worse.

About a year ago I had a car accident and broke my arm and shoulder. I had to sleep sitting up for a few weeks, and ended up on the sofa. It was bliss!! No snoring to wake me, despite a broken arm I started to feel so much better. Calmer, more rested. When it healed I started sleeping in one of the dcs rooms when they were away at uni.

Dh is grumpy about this. He feels as though we aren't a couple any more. Sometimes I start the night in our bed, and after a few prods and pokes (me to him trying to stop the snoring), I will get up and go and have a lovely uninterrupted sleep. He drives me mad when I do this, because as I get up he will suddenly wake up and say things like 'what? What's going on? Where are you going?'. Ita bad enough having to go and sleep in the kids room, having to justify it every time makes me feel a bit murderous.

He refuses to go to the doctors, before anyone suggests that! I'm desperately trying to get as much sleep as I can, but he's started saying he now sleeps badly because I am not there! I can't be expected to sleep fitfully at best all night just to make him feel better, can I?? He's grumpy and resentful about it.

My older dc is about to move out permanently to live with his gf in another city and start his career.

I am fantasising about a new mattress in his old room and my own quiet space. But I feel like a terrible wife! AIBU??

OP posts:
Dragonsandcats · 14/08/2024 11:38

My dh was quite bad. He bought himself a mouth guard which stops his jaw moving and it’s made a massive difference. Might be worth a try? Think it cost about £40. Or he could try this survey and see if it shows any ideas. britishsnoring.co.uk/itests/index.php

Shawdee · 14/08/2024 11:39

100% get that new matress. Your DH just needs to accept that's how it is if he's not going to try and get help. Its nothing that should be marriage ruining, assuming you both still function as a married couple in your waking hours?!

Original poster
ZanyFox · 14/08/2024 11:42

We still have sex although not often as despite our kids being 18+ they always seem to be around!!

His snoring is so bad that you can hear it downstairs through the floor.

I feel like it's ruining our marriage because he's permanently grumpy about it, and I don't feel it's my fault that I'm just trying to get some sleep! It's also really sad that we can't go camping any more- last time we went people complained!!

OP posts:
MyOtherHusbandIsAWash · 14/08/2024 11:43

I feel you-my DH snores due to weight (he’s only a little overweight but snoring is proportional to weight and it gets better when he diets). We sleep apart 50% as I take longer than him to fall asleep and spend 15-30 mins poking him until either I fall asleep or he goes to the spare room. He at least understands how annoying it is though! Maybe agree on a compromise so he doesn’t feel like a roommate?

stackhead · 14/08/2024 11:44

Nope. His snoring, his problem. In my case I kicked DH out of the big comfy bed and made him sleep elsewhere.

He can come back when he starts doing something about the snoring.

Original poster
ZanyFox · 14/08/2024 11:45

Dragonsandcats · 14/08/2024 11:38

My dh was quite bad. He bought himself a mouth guard which stops his jaw moving and it’s made a massive difference. Might be worth a try? Think it cost about £40. Or he could try this survey and see if it shows any ideas. britishsnoring.co.uk/itests/index.php

Thanks. He refuses to do anything. He did buy something off Amazon earlier this year - not for us, but for when he went on a weekend trip with his mates. Apparently it didn't work and they all took the piss out of him, so that's that.

OP posts:
Shawdee · 14/08/2024 11:45

He sounds awful for not wanting to address it tbh.

Bunnycat101 · 14/08/2024 11:46

Do you think he could have sleep apnea? Does he sort of stop breathing/splutter in the night? My husband had untreated sleep apnea and there were nights I wanted to kill him the snoring was so bad. The cpap machine transformed both of our lives.

If he does have sleep apnea he’s an idiot for not going to the GP. It massively reduces life expectancy.

Original poster
ZanyFox · 14/08/2024 11:47

MyOtherHusbandIsAWash · 14/08/2024 11:43

I feel you-my DH snores due to weight (he’s only a little overweight but snoring is proportional to weight and it gets better when he diets). We sleep apart 50% as I take longer than him to fall asleep and spend 15-30 mins poking him until either I fall asleep or he goes to the spare room. He at least understands how annoying it is though! Maybe agree on a compromise so he doesn’t feel like a roommate?

He says he does feel like a roommate! But I'm resentful and angry that he refuses to take it seriously OR try to understand how soul destroying it is sleeping fitfully.

I have a pretty stressful job (child psychotherapist) and really need my sleep.

OP posts:
SevenMarshmallows · 14/08/2024 11:47

If he won't actively seek ways to stop snoring, he can't expect you to stay in the same room, suffering in silence.

He knows how bad it feels when something disturbs his sleep, yet he's happy for you to experience poor sleep. I'd remind him of how selfish this is and tell him you'll return to the room as soon as he sorts his snoring.

Original poster
ZanyFox · 14/08/2024 11:48

Shawdee · 14/08/2024 11:45

He sounds awful for not wanting to address it tbh.

Yeah. I've started to feel a bit like that tbh. It seems really childish and if I'm honest, it's really started to put me off him.

OP posts:
ByCupidStunt · 14/08/2024 11:49

YANBU I don't know what it is about men and snoring.

I do know though that if it were predominantly WOMEN who were disturbing MENS sleep, then a lot more would have been done about it.

Echobelly · 14/08/2024 11:50

I think you just need to sleep separately and he needs to accept that. You can't be expected to go without sleep in order not to hurt his feelings.

DH and I barely shared a room all of last year because of his snoring but a friend recommended something called a Snoreguard, which is a mouthguard and it works the vast majority of the time. Only doesn't of he's had more than 2 or 3 alcoholic drinks and occasionally he takes it out in his sleep, but it's been a game changer for us.

herecomesthesunyes · 14/08/2024 11:50

Is he selfish in other ways? It’s terrible that he’s expecting you to put up with it. Either you sleep in with him and get no sleep or you sleep in a different room and he’s grumpy. Have you recorded him and played it back?

Original poster
ZanyFox · 14/08/2024 11:50

SevenMarshmallows · 14/08/2024 11:47

If he won't actively seek ways to stop snoring, he can't expect you to stay in the same room, suffering in silence.

He knows how bad it feels when something disturbs his sleep, yet he's happy for you to experience poor sleep. I'd remind him of how selfish this is and tell him you'll return to the room as soon as he sorts his snoring.

That's exactly what I've done.

But he's started sort of glowering at me in the morning, as if he's really resentful.

I mean, I'm 57, with no lovely bedroom of my own. It makes me really sad!

OP posts:
olderbutwiser · 14/08/2024 11:50

It's HIS choice - either he does something about the snoring, or you sleep separately. Entirely under his control.

DH and I now have separate rooms in our empty nest and it's lovely - we've always had very different sleep patterns and odd working days, adding both of us snoring on top was a killer. Both of us sleeping well has done wonders for our love life.

MigGril · 14/08/2024 11:52

In our case its me that snoring, DH brought me a new mattress for the spare room. We all sleep better, I have some health problems that is also contributing to sleeping less and disturbing him in the night.

Would we like to sleep together, yes but at the moment we sleep better apart and it's better for everyone. Doesn't mean we don't still have a healthy marriage.

herecomesthesunyes · 14/08/2024 11:52

ZanyFox · 14/08/2024 11:50

That's exactly what I've done.

But he's started sort of glowering at me in the morning, as if he's really resentful.

I mean, I'm 57, with no lovely bedroom of my own. It makes me really sad!

Show quote history

He’s like a toddler! My god. What would happen if you said to him - I would like to sleep in the same bed as you, in our bedroom but I can’t because I get no sleep due to your snoring. It makes me sad too.

Original poster
ZanyFox · 14/08/2024 11:52

herecomesthesunyes · 14/08/2024 11:50

Is he selfish in other ways? It’s terrible that he’s expecting you to put up with it. Either you sleep in with him and get no sleep or you sleep in a different room and he’s grumpy. Have you recorded him and played it back?

I did try this but he got really offended.

He says there is no point going to the gp, they won't do anything.

I've also said that I'm worried he has sleep apnea but he just doesn't listen. His dad was the same, apparently snored really badly and twitched, then got annoyed with my MIL for wanting to sleep in another room!

OP posts:
Scottishflower65 · 14/08/2024 11:53

Sleep deprivation is an actual torture method. You should Google the effects of sleep deprivation on health and present him calmly with the facts. Surely any decent person would not want to actively harm their partner’s health? In my case, my husband uses nose strips and that stops it most of the time. It would give me serous ICK if a partner could take small steps to ensure my health wasn’t harmed just so he felt better.

Original poster
ZanyFox · 14/08/2024 11:54

I spent around 4 years wearing earplugs. Stupidly pressed them in so far I ended up damaging my eardrum! He still won't go to the gp!

OP posts:
Sakura7 · 14/08/2024 11:55

ZanyFox · 14/08/2024 11:50

That's exactly what I've done.

But he's started sort of glowering at me in the morning, as if he's really resentful.

I mean, I'm 57, with no lovely bedroom of my own. It makes me really sad!

Show quote history

Call him out on it.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

I would tell him he's behaving like a child and it's not endearing.

He has the snoring problem, he needs to get help. He cannot expect you to go without sleep just to soothe his ego. How ridiculous, and selfish.

Original poster
ZanyFox · 14/08/2024 12:00

I think its only fair to say that I think he's a bit depressed. His dad died two years ago and he's definitely more miserable and less energetic. He spends a LOT of time on his phone now, usually just watching stupid animal videos. He sleeps really badly, but he thinks it's all my fault.

It doesn't help that he hates his job and I love mine! There seems to be a lot of resentment sloshing around.

OP posts:
FoFanta · 14/08/2024 12:06

He probably doesn't feel rested after his sleep because he has sleep apnea. I snored for years and eventually went to the Dr, got diagnosed with sleep apnea and started CPAP. It honestly saved my marriage and probably my life. I still feel very guilty that it took me so long to sort it out. I don't know what his barrier is, but he needs to think long and hard about what he is risking by not investigating further.

I don't love CPAP, but I absolutely love the change it has made to my life.