To feel as though my dh's snoring is ruining our marriage?

[ZanyFox]

I am in my late 50s, dh is a few years younger. He has always snored a bit, but as he's got older it's become horrific. Really loud. I think he's a bit overweight - he has a solid belly and he carries fat around his neck and jawline. Annoyingly his mum thinks he's LOST weight and keeps telling him so! He looks quite different to how he looked a few years ago when he was fitter and more active- I can't help thinking this fat has made the snoring worse.

About a year ago I had a car accident and broke my arm and shoulder. I had to sleep sitting up for a few weeks, and ended up on the sofa. It was bliss!! No snoring to wake me, despite a broken arm I started to feel so much better. Calmer, more rested. When it healed I started sleeping in one of the dcs rooms when they were away at uni.

Dh is grumpy about this. He feels as though we aren't a couple any more. Sometimes I start the night in our bed, and after a few prods and pokes (me to him trying to stop the snoring), I will get up and go and have a lovely uninterrupted sleep. He drives me mad when I do this, because as I get up he will suddenly wake up and say things like 'what? What's going on? Where are you going?'. Ita bad enough having to go and sleep in the kids room, having to justify it every time makes me feel a bit murderous.

He refuses to go to the doctors, before anyone suggests that! I'm desperately trying to get as much sleep as I can, but he's started saying he now sleeps badly because I am not there! I can't be expected to sleep fitfully at best all night just to make him feel better, can I?? He's grumpy and resentful about it.

My older dc is about to move out permanently to live with his gf in another city and start his career.

I am fantasising about a new mattress in his old room and my own quiet space. But I feel like a terrible wife! AIBU??

I'd set up a separate bedroom for yourself. Why wouldn't you dh want you well rested and happy. He is being selfish

My partner snored & had sleep apnoea to the extent that I too felt murderous!! He too had put on a bit of weight, around his neck & chest. I had silicon earplugs, which helped quite a bit. But what made the biggest change was when we started to do ashtanga yoga classes. He got really into it so started doing them twice a week - & within a couple of months his snoring stopped! Yes he'd lost a bit of weight - but it was primarily the deeper breathing it encouraged. It was quite miraculous ...

He's proved he'd treat a room mate with more respect with his attempt to stop snoring around his friends and then he's more bothered about their reaction than the impact on the OP on a daily basis.

He doesn't give a shit about the OP.

A horrible dilemma and I feel for you. Coming from the point of view of a fellow snorer with a long suffering wife, we tried lots of over the counter solutions: nasal strips, gum shields, strips to stiffen the soft palate. None of them worked. But my wife swears by her earplugs that we order from USA and get shipped over. I'm not sure what rules Mumsnet has for advertising, so this might be wrong to do, but mightyplugs.com really did save her sanity.

Now my wife has started snoring loudly so I also use the earplugs too. I break them in two, mush them up and jam them right in my earholes (which is not the recommended way) and I can barely hear a thing. Highly recommended.

He feels sorry for himself I think.

I'd love to set up a room for myself but when ds comes to visit he'd have to go back in there so it would be back on the sofa for me! Seems mean to kick ds out of his bedroom permanently although I could in a few years.

I think there's a big part of me thats amazed dh is happy to let me sleep on the sofa while he has our huge bedroom.

I have to have therapy as part of my job and my therapist is horrified with him, which probably doesn't help my mood

Thanks. I don't want to have to wear earplugs though. I like hearing the rain at night, the birds in the morning.

If I were you I’d just refuse to discuss it any longer, after one last conversation.

I’d say Look, I’d rather sleep in bed with you but it’s impossible as your snoring is ruining my chance for a decent night’s sleep. I can’t keep being sleep deprived and cross at you. I can’t make you go to the doctor, so all I can do is sleep elsewhere. If you don’t like it I’m sorry, but I won’t feel guilty about needing a decent rest.

Then ignore any huffing.

That's exactly where we are now.

It's sad, but the absolute bliss of knowing that I am about to get into a cosy bed and be undisturbed all night is more powerful than dhs sulking!

YANBU - nothing worse than broken sleep.

My husband started to snore about 2 years ago (went from occasional to literally every night for hours on end).
He is active and slim so we knew it wasn't that.

He went to the GP and now has a nasal steroid spray which has pretty much solved the problem.

Your husband is being selfish to do nothing about it and then be grumpy if you sleep elsewhere.

Many couples have separate bedrooms, in fact it now seems weird to me to spend so much time every day on a tiny part of the house area (mattress)!
We are much happier together as we get more sleep, but make a point of getting together in bed every morning for a cup of tea and cuddle, which I feel is very important to avoid feeling like flatmates.

He doesn't really cuddle unless he wants sex, but I'd love it.

I am aware none of this sounds great.

What works in our house is an extra (3rd) pillow, so the snorer is propped up a lot more. Still happens occasionally, but rarely. What would annoy me more than the snoring in this situation is his very unattractive attitude.

had same with my DH. Snoring reverberated into all the rooms of the house. Gave me sleepless nights. Kids would say 'heard dad snoring last night'.

It wasn't the fact that he snored. that was something he couldn't help as he's very slim and fit. It was the fact that he wouldn't do something to help try and at least reduce the problem. He refused to go to the GP saying 'its not that big an issue'. It infuriated me that he dismissed my distress so easily. Until the day I threatened to leave him.

Now he wears a somnowell mouth guard. Cost £££ but it was cheaper than a divorce and it works 90% of the time. I have spare rooms to move into now if it gets particularly bad i.e. when he's had a beer or 10.

@ZanyFox I would tell him that unless he goes to his GP and asks to referred to a sleep clinic, you will sleep separately until he does. Loud Snoring is often a sign of Sleep Apnoea which can shorten your life if you don't do something about it. I have a CPAP machine and it makes a huge difference

He snores as soon as he falls asleep on the sofa watching TV in the evening and he's sitting up then, so I don't think the extra pillow would help.

He needs to.go to the flipping gp!! He also has terrible excema which he treats himself with endless creams that he buys on amazon and talking to me about them. I've said I'm not talking about the creams any more he needs a gp or dermatologist.

He waits for me to sort all these things out for him. His new year's resolution was to make a bloody opticians appointment and he still hasn't done it - I know he wants me to do it, but I refuse! How difficult is it to ring specsavers?!

Did he research that himself?

Actually typing all this is making me realise that he has a huge issue with making appointments etc. He moans about his mum needed everything done for her but tbh he's exactly the same!!

There is no reason a couple must sleep in the same room.

That you think prioritizing your health and wellbeing makes you a "bad wife" is sad and scary.

Order the new mattress and tell him this is the new normal.

Also when he's asleep, set your phone nearby to record the video and audio of the snoring for a couple of hours. Produce it when he complains.

He sounds terrible. Move rooms and enjoy your sleep.

I think you need to decide what you're willing to put up with.

Your DH is clearly very stubborn and is unwilling to see the situation from your point of view. It doesn't sound like anything will convince him to get help, so where does that leave you? How long can you keep putting up with this? Or more to the point, why should you have to?

If you tell him his behaviour is ruining your marriage (per your OP), and that you can't see a way forward if he won't get help (for both his sleep issues and his depression), how do you think he'd respond? If your marriage is on the line, might he be willing to get help?

He may have sleep apnoea…def worth a trip to the docs. The CPAP machines are ace. No more snoring! Full nights rest for both.

He refuses to entertain a CPAP.

I think we actually have big problems in our marriage.

You have problems a lot bigger than snoring.

As a psychotherapist yourself, why do you think you have tolerated inconsiderate, selfish, hostile and abusive treatment by your spouse for so many years?

Can you have joint counselling?

My DH refused to go to GP too, think he was embarrassed. I eventually talked him into it by saying if it was due to sleep apnea then his health was at risk. I was secretly a bit annoyed that he went for this reason, rather than care about me! I didn't actually think he had apnea as he didn't seem to stop breathing, but wanted GP input. DH then got an app on his phone that analyzed his sleep? This showed he was stopping breathing at night and he then went to GP for a referral to sleep clinic, resulting in CPAP . I still wear earplugs as I'm a light sleeper and still hear the quiet swooshing of the CPAP but it is a million times better and prob saved our relationship.

He's tired all the time. He almost certainly has sleep apnea.

It feels like a depressing marriage for me. I've got a lot of energy now that I am sleeping better. He still does a lot of the things we used to - going to the cinema, walking, but now he moans about the films being boring, costing too much, it's raining etc.

He also feels we don't have enough sex - funnily enough I don't find him that attractive at the moment.