To feel as though my dh's snoring is ruining our marriage?

[ZanyFox]

I am in my late 50s, dh is a few years younger. He has always snored a bit, but as he's got older it's become horrific. Really loud. I think he's a bit overweight - he has a solid belly and he carries fat around his neck and jawline. Annoyingly his mum thinks he's LOST weight and keeps telling him so! He looks quite different to how he looked a few years ago when he was fitter and more active- I can't help thinking this fat has made the snoring worse.

About a year ago I had a car accident and broke my arm and shoulder. I had to sleep sitting up for a few weeks, and ended up on the sofa. It was bliss!! No snoring to wake me, despite a broken arm I started to feel so much better. Calmer, more rested. When it healed I started sleeping in one of the dcs rooms when they were away at uni.

Dh is grumpy about this. He feels as though we aren't a couple any more. Sometimes I start the night in our bed, and after a few prods and pokes (me to him trying to stop the snoring), I will get up and go and have a lovely uninterrupted sleep. He drives me mad when I do this, because as I get up he will suddenly wake up and say things like 'what? What's going on? Where are you going?'. Ita bad enough having to go and sleep in the kids room, having to justify it every time makes me feel a bit murderous.

He refuses to go to the doctors, before anyone suggests that! I'm desperately trying to get as much sleep as I can, but he's started saying he now sleeps badly because I am not there! I can't be expected to sleep fitfully at best all night just to make him feel better, can I?? He's grumpy and resentful about it.

My older dc is about to move out permanently to live with his gf in another city and start his career.

I am fantasising about a new mattress in his old room and my own quiet space. But I feel like a terrible wife! AIBU??

Separate bedrooms is the way to go. Snoring is really tough to cure - losing weight will help but no guarantees.
Lots of couples have separate bedrooms, it it works for you it's fine.
Sleep is important especially as we get older!

I'm a snorer & an ent surgeon recommend Snoreban mouthguard - stops jaw dropping back when asleep & creating noise. My husband says it works & you soon adapt to it. You mould to your own mouth.

He sounds insanely selfish, does he really expect you to be permanently knackered so he doesn't have to sleep alone?
My husband snores but like yours at has got worse, he actually got an appointment to go to a sleep clinic in the post this morning. He was referred by the GP in May. I have been and will continue to sleep in the spare room until it changes.
My husband understands, have you ever recorded your husband to show him how bad it is?

I see that he looked into a solution for when he was away with friends but he won’t look into a solution for at home. So selfish of him.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable on the basis that he’s refusing to do anything about it. That’s really inconsiderate.

He sounds very selfish. Also, does he even realise that untreated sleep apnea increases your risk of heart disease, stroke, high BP, and depression etc, not to mention always being tired and never feeling like you’ve had refreshing sleep?

DH snored badly for years and eventually got assessed for sleep apnea and he now has a CPAP. The effect has been utterly transformational for him (as well as me not wanting to scream at his loud snoring anymore).

Yeah that was a bit of a kick in the teeth tbf!

Based on your updates, it sounds as bad as it is and, being a boiled frog, you haven’t realised it. He may love you and the life you give him but does he actually care for you? I think he doesn’t.

Yes, you could stay and just refuse to do everything for him but is that really the route to a happy and fulfilling life? Picture for a moment a life in which you have a partner who takes responsibility for himself and loves you enough to do something as simple as seeing a GP about his snoring.

I really feel you OP. My wife snores awfully, due to her weight. I have to wear ear plugs even though she sleeps downstairs on the sofa as she is so loud. I fear she had sleep apnea but she doesn't want to go to the doctor. Let's face it they will just tell her to lose weight. But she needs to want to make those changes herself. She has type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol so if ever her body was giving her a signal, it is now. Really frustrating and worrying as I don't want to lose her and I want us to get closer again.

Ball is definitely in your DH's court. Poor sleep is literally a killer. He needs to take ownership for his health and marriage. As long as you have made that clear to him what else can you do. Also, if your kids have moved out and are only home for a few weeks at a time after university, repurpose a bedroom for your DH and make him move in there! It's your house too.

Yes he researched everything himself

As a man who has suffered not so silently with snoring for many years, I can say it's embarassing to have snoring pointed out to you, especially if it's weight related. All I can say is that I plucked up the nerve to speak to my GP. My GP (random one at the surgery) said that there are many reasons why people snore, and it's not about weight, it's about your neck closing in on itself. It's about being older, it can be a serious condition which wipes years off your life. He also pointed out that it's the tiredness which makes life so difficult, that you want to go back to sleep within a few hours of waking up, that everything becomes hard work. Tiredness also makes you fall into a deeper sleep, so your more likely to snore which means you get less good sleep and so you are tired. It's a vicous circle.

I was then referred to the "Sleep Study" clinic, where I had a device which I kept for 3 nights, which showed how many times I stopped breathing or was just snoring. It showed I had sleep apnea, quite badly, so I was "prescribed" a machine which breaths air into me (quite nicely infact). It's a mask but much more comfortable than a covid style mask, really easy to breath, and now instead of having to get 10 hours of restless sleep and feeling tired all te time. I now get 6 hours of wonderful sleep and feel with it. No headaches.

That's sleep apnea, which you may find your husband has, if he stops breathing in the night. If it's just snoring the sleep clinic tests will show that, but snoring often leads to sleap apnea.

There are other reasons, like adinoids, tonsils, infections which can cause worse snoring, to not go to the GP over something as simple as perhaps just anti-biotics seems a bit silly.

If he won't address the problem that is driving you from the marital bed, then he is the one ruining your marriage. Partners owe it to each other to try to fix things that are driving them apart--that he can't be arsed says that he doesn't care enough about you, the family or the relationship enough to make changes to keep it.

Buy the mattress and decorate the room for you.

There's nothing stopping either of you 'visiting'...

However, record him and play it back.

You need to tell him he has NO RIGHT to expect you to have night after night of disturbed sleep because he can't be arsed to fix his snoring. He's being incredibly selfish.

Tell him he either sorts it out or you're claiming the spare room permanently when it's free and he can shut his yap about it.

I've got my own room. I love it and it hasn't affected my marriage. There's no law saying you have to share a bed.

He's selfish.

The other option is to keep him awake as much as he keeps you awake

But I'd just move

I'd be planning a different house

If he has his mouth open mouth taping can stop it. Also, have you tried white noise. I started using it so my dog couldn’t hear foxes and it made me sleep deeply

The best day of my life was when my husband was diagnosed with pneumonia. He was hospitalised for more than a week and the hospital wouldn't prescribe sleeping pills. Basically he snores so badly that he couldn't wake himself when he stopped breathing so they couldn't help him sleep. He couldn't sleep because of the coughing. Brilliant though. He was referred to a sleep clinic where he was diagnosed with sleep apnea. Brilliant. He got a cpap machine. It is t sexy but my god it has changed our lives. We sleep in the same room. He feels much better. My only sadness is he didn't do it earlier. It affected the lives of all of us including our son because my husband was always asleep on the sofa, in the cinema etc so he never came and did anything with us. He was always too tired.
Honestly I have no words to describe how awful it was and how sorry he is that he didn't sort it sooner.
When sleeping he was 'hanging' (not breathing) for longer than 90 secs more than 100 times a night. His in breathe was so loud it woke me up like when he didn't breathe that woke me up basically it ruined our lives. Seriously. Record him and tell him he needs to go to the doctor he's ruining g the lives of all of you.

I took myself off to the spare room and never went back. The snoring pig can now snore to his hearts content. Seriously he’d have been smothered by a pillow long ago if I hadn’t moved. Vote with your feet OP for your own sanity.

This.
just keep repeating, “ once you have been to GP to check you don’t have sleep apnea and you have found a way to reduce your snoring by using a device or loosing a bit of weight, I will be creating my own bedroom in another room. My sleep is as important as yours, and I want to protect myself from future mental health issues or dementia bought about by chronic sleep deprevation. With kid moving out I have a chance to do that.
life you are unhappy, YOU are the one that needs to find the solution , not me. “

I slept with terrible snorer. Eventually we moved to seperate beds, than when kids went to uni he was asked to sleep elsewhere, then when they moved out we created his own really nice bedroom. It took 4 years of pestering doctor to have a sleep test. Severe apnea. Within a few weeks of CPAP, like a miracle, HE became a calmer, nicer, less irritable version of himself. He decided he liked his new bedroom, and that we both slept better anyway in the luxury of two bedrooms, so we ended up still keeping the his and hers. Doesn’t prevent intimacy. Being chronically tired and irritable does.

DH has just been diagnosed with sleep apnea (like this week just been diagnosed, we are waiting for the CPAP machine).

he snore so badly that he can wake me up from the floor below - I’m really really hoping the machine gives him some relief!!

We haven't slept in the same room for 10 years.

It's marvellous

Sleep in a separate room, it's not a big deal. You need sleep.

What you describe comes across as so disgustingly selfish on the part of your husband. Very unattractive.

He doesn't think much of you does he. This is all about him, isn't it? You can't do what you need to do to get a good night's sleep because you'll be offending him. Then the fact he was willing to try a solution when he went on hols with his mates.

You're clearly very far down his priorities list.

Move to the spare room, do what you need to - be self defensive. Start your nights there rather than moving when he keeps you awake. Next move is on him. I'd stop bothering him about the snoring actually once you've "moved out". It's not got you anywhere has it so why bother putting the energy in? Match his effort ie none, and see what he does.

I've had so many infections/issues due to ear plugs including impacted ear wax. I don't blame you for sleeping in a separate room instead!