To feel as though my dh's snoring is ruining our marriage?

[ZanyFox]

I am in my late 50s, dh is a few years younger. He has always snored a bit, but as he's got older it's become horrific. Really loud. I think he's a bit overweight - he has a solid belly and he carries fat around his neck and jawline. Annoyingly his mum thinks he's LOST weight and keeps telling him so! He looks quite different to how he looked a few years ago when he was fitter and more active- I can't help thinking this fat has made the snoring worse.

About a year ago I had a car accident and broke my arm and shoulder. I had to sleep sitting up for a few weeks, and ended up on the sofa. It was bliss!! No snoring to wake me, despite a broken arm I started to feel so much better. Calmer, more rested. When it healed I started sleeping in one of the dcs rooms when they were away at uni.

Dh is grumpy about this. He feels as though we aren't a couple any more. Sometimes I start the night in our bed, and after a few prods and pokes (me to him trying to stop the snoring), I will get up and go and have a lovely uninterrupted sleep. He drives me mad when I do this, because as I get up he will suddenly wake up and say things like 'what? What's going on? Where are you going?'. Ita bad enough having to go and sleep in the kids room, having to justify it every time makes me feel a bit murderous.

He refuses to go to the doctors, before anyone suggests that! I'm desperately trying to get as much sleep as I can, but he's started saying he now sleeps badly because I am not there! I can't be expected to sleep fitfully at best all night just to make him feel better, can I?? He's grumpy and resentful about it.

My older dc is about to move out permanently to live with his gf in another city and start his career.

I am fantasising about a new mattress in his old room and my own quiet space. But I feel like a terrible wife! AIBU??

No, it doesn't.

If your son has moved on he can use the sofa or inflatable bed when he visits. Don't be a doormat. Organize that room as your bedroom going forward.

I wouldn't say it was abusive- that's really diminishing what a really abusive marriage is (I see a few). But yes inconsiderate and selfish I agree.

Joint counselling he point blank refuses.

I actually feel really sad for you reading this - I'd I knew I was disrupting my partners sleep, and was missing us sleeping together, I'd be apologetic and be trying everything I could to sort it, AND i certainly wouldnt be letting you go and sleep elsewhere, i'd be sleeping in the other room! Isn't that the normal reaction towards someone you love? He wants you there for his own comfort but doesn't care about yours, I think thats really sad, like you're just a support appliance to him. Maybe I'm overthinking it.

If he has you feeling guilty, second-guessing yourself, and is giving you the silent treatment and huff because you did something nice and healthy for yourself, then he IS abusive and manipulative in my book. He doesn't have to beat you to be an abuser.

Yes my best friend is the same, she tried all the different anti snore paraphernalia and the mouth guard seems to be the only thing that works for her.
YABU at all OP, you equally deserve a good night’s sleep - sleep deprivation is a form of torture!

I don't feel guilty - if I felt guilty I would put up with the snoring! He may be TRYING to make me feel guilty - but it isnt working.

I find it childish if anything which is ehat is putting me off him.

Agree with this.

Yeah that's what it feels like.

I'm going to talk to him about it.

I wonder if exposure to truly toxic levels of dysfunction in your job has made you minimise this a bit as its not on the same level as some of the families you work with. As I agree with the pp- I would call this abusive- it's emotionally abusive to sulk and huff and act out passive aggressively and keep the bedroom for himself and refuse to do something simple that could get to the root of the problem and massively help your wellbeing (ie go to the GP and get it sorted). It does sound like he's a bit depressed, but, as you've correctly identified that's not your problem to solve and he doesn't have the right to take it out on you like this. I would be telling him you'll take the main bedroom every other night on a rota system, and if he kicks off then maybe a trial separation to give him a shock and recognise the impact on you and what he stands to lose if he keeps treating you like shit. It's not ok that he refuses counselling either- he's blocking any attempts to make this better so is leaving you with very few options.

' but he's started saying he now sleeps badly because I am not there! '

how childish !

I'm sorry I've not read all the thread but your DP is a selfish git!!

I'm a snorer. I hate it. And when I go away with friends pay extra to have my own room rather than share, and have bought every mouth guard and gimmicky nose thing on the market.

All to no avail. I've been to the doctors but there is not much they can do. I have even thought of paying to get an operation privately but success rate isn't high.

So believe me when I'm saying your DP is incredibly selfish! First the lazy fucker should do is lose weight. My eldest was a snorer too and lost a couple of stone and to the relief of his wife has stopped snoring!!

If that doesn't work he needs to go to the doctor.

And moaning because YOU leave the room! Fuck that. Selfish horrible man.

Like I say I'm a horrendous snorer and I hate upsetting the sleep of anyone partner or friend who has to hear it. My petit size 6 adult daughter is a snorer too! Weird!

Yeah bollocks to him. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. If he refuses to get any help to try and improve his snoring then I wouldn’t tolerate lying there all night listening to it. I had an ex who snored unbelievably badly, he used to get really arsey with me if I poked him in the night to get him to stop, or went to sleep on the sofa. Then I used an app to record his snoring, can’t remember what it was called now but it listened all night and just recorded the snoring bits. When I played his snoring back to him the next day he was horrified and at last understood what my problem was. He did then try things to help his snoring, though we split up not long after that for unrelated to snoring reasons.

I'd be saying to him that him not even trying to sort it out shows that he doesn't give a fuck about your feelings and how it is affecting you. Therefore you won't be giving a fuck about his stroppy sulking about you sleeping in a separate room. Its not hard to do something about it so he needs to figure out if he ever wants to sleep in the same bed again. My DH is a major chain snorer so I completely get where you're coming from 😊

Dh in any position other than hos right hand side thankfully so I nudge and roll him most nights.Id be like you though if there was no respite from it.Yanbu.

Yes, maybe you are right. Definitely food for thought. It does sound hugely worse written down.

Just to add my parents in their 70s have slept in separate rooms ever since me and db left home 20 years ago due to dm snoring.Suits them fine.Its a good idea.

DH has apnea. What go him to the Doctors eventually was when I witnessed him stopping breathing in the night. It was a long old time. Enough time to sit and slowly realise he really wasn't taking another breath and at which point I need to start freaking out.

I was still distressed the next morning and he did go see a doctor. He's been on the CPAP for a few years now and it's changed his life in terms of energy. He now doesn't fall asleep after work every day for a couple of hours, and we can sleep happily next to each other and both sleep well.

It's all on him OP. He needs to step and deal with it, rather than act like a child because he wants you to suffer and not sleep.

This. I would never have stayed with my partner, married him, and had kids with him, had he not gone to the GP, ignored their repeated instructions to "just lose weight", and persisted in a request to be investigated for sleep apnea. It was horrific. He now has a machine which sounds like a quiet Darth Vader, and is much healthier because he has the energy to exercise and eat properly- not craving carbs because he's constantly dead tired. A revolutionary diagnosis. What you have is unsustainable, OP.

Just leave him op, he will always be like this and expect you to take care of all his things and expect you to put up with his selfish behaviour.

Well I guess I could always stay but refuse to do any of it. Which I do.

His dad was very controlling and I've realised his mum relies on everyone doing stuff for her now he's gone. Dh is a bit like her.

Reading your messages has really wound me up. He is very selfish indeed.

We are in our early 50s and my husband snores. We have bought a bed for the spare room and he sleeps there now. He tried various gadgets but they did not help. He is contrite he does not want to disrupt my sleep so we sleep separately and get on fine.

It is not the snoring per se, but the attitude towards it which makes your husband’s behaviour unacceptable. How can not he not want you to sleep well? It blows my mind. He is not a caring or decent person to do this to you. And to actually blame you for struggling with the snoring is just insane.

Yanbu.

The only person who can change things is your DH.

I'm the snorer in our marriage and (reluctantly) went to the GP as I was driving DH mad. I was diagnosed with sleep apnea and now wear a cpap machine every night. We both sleep better now!

My DP exactly the same.

Denied he snored at all. Flat out denied it. Then went on a boys weekend and was told he sounded like a pig in a farmyard.

So them telling him meant something, but not me.

Did nothing about it until, despite me asking__ begging but yep, with different mates abroad in Moscow one marched him to the chemist the next morning to buy something. No word of English but he managed it.

Still snores. Occasionally will buy a remedy. Use for a few nights then goes back to snoring. I can hear him downstairs, it disturbs the kids. But he's still king of the snoring. My sleep needs are irrelevant. I too have earplugs which make my ears itch.

If I had a spare room I would definitely be in it. Your husband is a selfish arse.

You are not there to support his sleep, whilst depriving you of yours, that is one of the most self absorbed statements I have ever heard. And the sulking too. Just keep reiterating if he won't deal with it then you will manage your own comfort ad you deem fit.

Tell him it's no longer up for discussion and make yourself a nice bedroom. It's time. It's up to him to sort it out his snoring.

As well as snoring, my DP farts constantly. All day and night, at night the bedroom sometimes stinks.

He will not go to the GP about either of these things.

I am planning on putting up a stud wall and making myself my space for me and my sleep. 😴 Real she- cave.

He's being very selfish Op in quite a few ways. He doesn't cuddle unless it's for sex, he didn't want to snore in front of his mates but happily keeps you awake , he's grumpy and hard done by because you sleep elsewhere. He thinks if he grumbles you'll go sleep with him, not a thought for your feelings. Frank talk Op his choice, drs or seperate bedrooms

No I'm sorry I couldn't stand that I would sleep elsewhere, does he not understand you are getting no sleep.
I snore like a hog and when I went to the GP - because women go to GPs instead of leaving the whole family to suffer - I was one point away from losing my licence because of sleep apnoea. I had to have a machine immediately.
If he crashes the car due to sleep apnoea the damage to him the car and other people will not be covered. He will also lose his licence.
He could also have a heart attack or a stroke if not treated.
It's no joking matter and he needs to go to his GP.