To feel as though my dh's snoring is ruining our marriage?

[ZanyFox]

I am in my late 50s, dh is a few years younger. He has always snored a bit, but as he's got older it's become horrific. Really loud. I think he's a bit overweight - he has a solid belly and he carries fat around his neck and jawline. Annoyingly his mum thinks he's LOST weight and keeps telling him so! He looks quite different to how he looked a few years ago when he was fitter and more active- I can't help thinking this fat has made the snoring worse.

About a year ago I had a car accident and broke my arm and shoulder. I had to sleep sitting up for a few weeks, and ended up on the sofa. It was bliss!! No snoring to wake me, despite a broken arm I started to feel so much better. Calmer, more rested. When it healed I started sleeping in one of the dcs rooms when they were away at uni.

Dh is grumpy about this. He feels as though we aren't a couple any more. Sometimes I start the night in our bed, and after a few prods and pokes (me to him trying to stop the snoring), I will get up and go and have a lovely uninterrupted sleep. He drives me mad when I do this, because as I get up he will suddenly wake up and say things like 'what? What's going on? Where are you going?'. Ita bad enough having to go and sleep in the kids room, having to justify it every time makes me feel a bit murderous.

He refuses to go to the doctors, before anyone suggests that! I'm desperately trying to get as much sleep as I can, but he's started saying he now sleeps badly because I am not there! I can't be expected to sleep fitfully at best all night just to make him feel better, can I?? He's grumpy and resentful about it.

My older dc is about to move out permanently to live with his gf in another city and start his career.

I am fantasising about a new mattress in his old room and my own quiet space. But I feel like a terrible wife! AIBU??

YANBU!!

DH snores really loudly, we used to have an attic bedroom and his snoring could be heard in the kitchen two floors down. He won't do anything about it, I understand what people mean by being put off him by the selfishness.

Also I have epilepsy and lack of sleep triggers my seizures, I've started sleeping on the sofa as we have no spare rooms right now

I think this is why he doesn't want to go.

My DP got at app to measure it. 20 is snoring and he's often at 80. And at times he's gone off the 100 chart and it can't measure more. I felt vindicated.

We have our own rooms. Been married for 12 years. I absolutely encourage it if you can. Everyone sleeps, has their own personal space and life is generally much easier.

people sometimes judge, think there is something wrong with our marriage - I can assure you there is not! In any area!

we both just really appreciate a good sleep.

Well you need to threaten to leave him as he’s being a selfish prick. Sounds like he has terrible sleep apnoea and may end up having a stroke. Give him an ultimatum.

I know you probably don't want to get the children involved but can you get them onside? 'Dad, I could hear you snoring through the floor, are you ok'? I don't know why some men are such babies about going to the doctor.

It sounds as though there is a lot more going on than the snoring. Snoring and lack of sleep are horrendous. You don’t seem, from this small snapshot, to be in a happy relationship. You are making excuses for him by saying he may be depressed, may be overweight. He spends a lot of time on his phone which cuts you off from him, he shows respect to friends not you, he refuses to explore medical issues, weight or anti snore options yet is resentful when you move to another room.
If you reassess in a years time, five years, 10 years how would you feel if the situation has worsened?

Never mind separate bedrooms, I'd be wanting separate houses. He'll make the effort for his friends but not you! And tell him no more sex until he gets checked out. It could be too dangerous.

@ZanyFox have you recorded the snoring and played it back to him?

My DH doesn't generally snore (I have insomnia so this would have been relationship over from the start of he did!) but if he goes to the pub and drinks more than 2 pints he does snore, so has to sleep on the sofa after the pub! I bought a nice sofa blanket for him!

Your DH is being selfish.

I'd book him an appointment at the GP yourself and tell him to get his skin ans snoring sorted.

In the mean time what about a diet? Help him lose some weight?

What app is it please @PlumpCatIsBestCat ?

Record him snoring on your phone then play it to him through your TV with the volume turned up, so he can see how much noise he makes then he might appreciate why you need to sleep in another room. He might not know how bad the noise actually is.

Edited to say I mean record the noise I don’t mean an actual video of him with his face in it. You can play just the sound off a video through your TV by casting it from your phone.

@deeahgwitch Snorelab

Thank you @PlumpCatIsBestCat

My DH has finally sorted himself out and lost some weight - it has made a huge difference to his loud breathing and snoring. He had tried various things to reduce snoring in the past, but losing weight was the one thing he really needed to do for all sorts of health reasons. All you can do is be completely honest about how you feel and hope he actually listens instead of being a big huffy baby!

He definitely needs to lose some weight.

Not sure how to broach the subject tbh.

Anyway meanwhile I'm in ds room and it's bloody lovely.

None of my 50 somethings friends sleep in the same room. It's not unusual at all. We all have our own lovely rooms, double beds to ourselves, often with our own bathrooms too. It's bliss. Your DH needs to get with the trend!

I'd do a voice recording of him on WhatsApp every single time he wakes you up and send it to him. Then you have proof of how often and how loud he is. Then I'd be making plans for your lovely new bedroom. You can definitely still have a great marriage in separate rooms!

But he IS trying to manipulate you so yes, he IS abusive. Just because it's not working doesn't mean he's not. I downplayed domestic abuse in my marriage because I saw 'real DA' all the time in my work and because he never physically hit me and only ticked a couple of boxes on the power and control wheel I minimised it. Didn't mean he wasn't abusive. It's much easier to see when you're out of it.

Separate rooms is the only way. Otherwise you will hate him so much your marriage will be over anyway. You need sleep. It may be hard for him to understand as he is getting a good sleep!
There have been studies that prove sleeping alone works wonders for a relationship. Good luck.

I am fat but DH is skinny. He is the one that snores. We sleep in separate rooms now and it is bliss!

'you are complaining that you can't sleep well when I'm not there - but it's fine to subject me to night after night of poor sleep as long as you are OK? You know there is an issue with your snoring, that's why you bought something when going away with your mates, but me, your wife that you 'love' you are happy to disturb all night long rather than go for a simple visit to the doctor...... Reflect on what that says about your love for me DH '

Stick to your guns and sort that bedroom out as your bedroom.

He needs to go to the doctor as he may very well have sleep apnea. He also possibly needs to lose weight.

He can chose to do neither of the above - that's HIS choice and he is entitled to his choice.

but you are entitled to deal with the results of his choices however YOU chose.

And if you chose a comfy single bed in your quiet space, that is the choice you are very much entitled to make.

Make that crystal clear to him. He is making his choices, you are making yours.

He should go to GP to request a sleep assessment for sleep apnea (as previous posters have suggested). It literally cuts the brain off from oxygen

OP, I’m sure your son would gladly give up his room so his mum can get the sleep she deserves! Decorate it to suit you and enjoy it while you can!