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Original poster

Rage at friends friendship!

103 replies

Billyandharry · 14/08/2024 09:29

My oldest school friend of 40 yrs and my oldest uni friend of 25 years are bezzy mates.
I rarely see either of them now - they both have loads of money and I only ever see them on posh holidays on social media. This has gone on for 20 years but it still drives me nuts/feels so hurtful/makes me cry.
I feel like I'm too old for this but i can't help how much it hurts.I honestly don't know how to get over this/myself. Just feel so left out year after year. Horrible.

OP posts:
keylimedog · 14/08/2024 09:36

Are you truly friends with people you don't see often and from the tone of your OP don't particularly like / they upset you?

Perhaps put your energy into friendships with other people and don't spend your time thinking about them 😊 it doesn't sound like they're doing anything wrong, just being friends with each other - could you stop looking at their social media to help?

Emmanuelll · 14/08/2024 09:39

Did they meet because of you? I'm assuming you've been 'Wendied' and yes that would be very hurtful I'm sure.

Myfavouriteflowers · 14/08/2024 09:40

Surely the best way to get over it is by stopping following them on social media?
In fact if I were you I would cut them out my life altogether if their friendship is having such a negative effect on your life.

Just because you've known them a long time doesn't mean they have to stay in your life forever if you have nothing in common any more.

Concentrate on your own life and the newer friends you have made who actually enhance your life. Who fit in with your life style..

DoreenonTill8 · 14/08/2024 09:44

How long have they been friends for? Surely their friendship has evolved in its own right?
Do they live near each other?

Thelnebriati · 14/08/2024 09:52

That is horrible and you don't have to get over it. It can be a shock to realise that people you trusted aren't as nice as you thought they were.

Original poster
Billyandharry · 14/08/2024 09:53

Yes they met through me many years ago.
No they don't live near each other but make an effort to meet up whereas I am not included. Hurtful but like I say gone on for years. I'm not really on social media but a photo pops up every 6 months and just cuts me to the quick. Then I'm annoyed with myself for my reaction and can't seem to come up with a plan on how to cope.

OP posts:
Original poster
Billyandharry · 14/08/2024 09:54

@keylimedog I hear you but every now and then I'm reminded of it all and it feels like grief. I can't help how i feel.

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Original poster
Billyandharry · 14/08/2024 09:57

@Emmanuelll never heard of it but will google. Yes v hurtful

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WingSluts · 14/08/2024 09:58

I can see how that would feel horrible and you're not wrong to feel that way.

However, if this has gone on for many years then perhaps they now consider themselves more friends with one another than friends via you.

If you want to try to solve the issue then you need to determine the root of your upset. Is it that you would otherwise be joining in if you could afford a "posh holiday" - if so explain the situation and see if they would consider more basic options or other activities. Is it that you feel aggrieved they've formed a friendship without you but you don't necessarily want to join in with it - in which case the only option is unfollowing on social media so you just don't see it.

They're not going to stop being friends and it's not fair to ask that of them so a constructive solution (involving them or not) needs to be found.

Original poster
Billyandharry · 14/08/2024 09:58

@Myfavouriteflowers good advice. Tricky to put into practice sometimes though.

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notanotheronenow · 14/08/2024 10:00

Have you spoken to them and invited them on a trip with all of you together?

Maybe they don't want to put you in an awkward position by asking you on an expensive holiday you can't afford.

Original poster
Billyandharry · 14/08/2024 10:01

@WingSluts - like I said I'm not 'following ' them on SM. Something just pops up occasionally and has a massive effect on me . It's really horrible - ive been trying to come up with a solution for many years now. Still trying.

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circular1985 · 14/08/2024 10:03

Have you tried to organise things? If you're not proactive in doing this or keeping in touch then I can see how these things may pan out.

Whilst I understand why you might be hurt as you introduced them, unfortunately life is that people will get on better with others.

RoachFish · 14/08/2024 10:03

Do you still see them individually or are you no longer close with them but they are still close with each other?

I think it's fine that they are friends, we can't really help who we click with and over the decades I am sure you have all changed and evolved, but it's also OK for you to feel like they have left you out of course. You can't force them to be close with you and you can't force them to not spend time together if that's what they enjoy doing so you need to put all your focus into making or sustaining friendships with other people. It's the only thing that can make you not care about what they are doing.

WhatNoRaisins · 14/08/2024 10:06

I think most cases of Wendying are really just people meeting each other through friends and hitting it off. I don't think there is anything wrong about two people meeting, finding they enjoy the same thing and doing it together. That's pretty much how you're told to make new friends.

Are posh holidays your thing too OP? Are they excluding you or do you just not want to join?

If they aren't making any effort to spend time with you in general then that's a problem. It comes down to whether you think talking to them about this might help or if it's a sign that you need to move on.

RampantIvy · 14/08/2024 10:07

If you unfollow them on social media then you won't get any posts popping up. You can still be "friends", but they won't know that you aren't seeing their posts.

I'm sorry. It must hurt though. I would stop considering them as friends, but people you have known a long time. They aren't your best friends now, but they were a long time ago.

Are there any local groups you could join and meet new people? In the last few years I have joined a book group and a charity that I volunteer with. My social life is busier now than it has been for years.

Original poster
Billyandharry · 14/08/2024 10:08

@RoachFish I'm not really close to either of them now. They are very close to each other. It just! hurts and i feel very unlucky - i don't know anyone else this has happened to.
I appreciate everyone's comments - i really do need to sort this. I don't follow anyone on SM however - if only it were that simple!

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Original poster
Billyandharry · 14/08/2024 10:11

@RampantIvy yes I think I need to 'reframe' it maybe - i am living in the past!.

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NiceCutRoundDomeDormice · 14/08/2024 10:12

I appreciate everyone's comments - i really do need to sort this. I don't follow anyone on SM however - if only it were that simple!

I think you’re getting confused about what “following” means. It doesn’t mean actively searching out their posts - it means you allow their posts to come up in your newsfeed. The unfollow button will stop that, without unfriending them.

KrisAkabusi · 14/08/2024 10:14

Thelnebriati · 14/08/2024 09:52

That is horrible and you don't have to get over it. It can be a shock to realise that people you trusted aren't as nice as you thought they were.

They haven't done anything wrong! People become friends. It's ridiculous to think "You're friends with Jane so I'm not allowed to see you without her". That's playground stuff. People meet, they get on, they are allowed be friends.

Thelnebriati · 14/08/2024 10:16

No one is saying they aren't allowed to be friends. What gave you that idea? OP is allowed to be upset about being excluded and sidelined.

MonsteraMama · 14/08/2024 10:17

It looks as though their friendship has blossomed over the years and grown into something very close, whereas you've drifted apart. It's very sad but the way of the world with friendships, some stand the test of time and some don't.

My very best friend is someone I was introduced to by another very close friend in college who I no longer see. It's nothing personal we just grew and changed. I think maybe rather than pining after friendships long past you'd benefit from trying to forge some new ones? Do you have any hobbies or anything where you might be able to connect with some new people?

(Also unfollowing these friends on Facebook or wherever you're seeing these photos that make you so sad would do you a world of good!)

KrisAkabusi · 14/08/2024 10:20

Thelnebriati · 14/08/2024 10:16

No one is saying they aren't allowed to be friends. What gave you that idea? OP is allowed to be upset about being excluded and sidelined.

Exactly. They are not allowed to be friends without her being present. Which is nonsense.

Winter2020 · 14/08/2024 10:20

Do you have a friend that you like a lot that you would invest time/energy/money into sharing good times with?

To have a long distance friendship/go on holiday together these ladies are making the effort with each other. Do you invest that energy into friendships?

Original poster
Billyandharry · 14/08/2024 10:23

@KrisAkabusi I know all that but it still hurts! Thanks for the tip though. How very helpful.

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