Rage at friends friendship!

[Billyandharry]

My oldest school friend of 40 yrs and my oldest uni friend of 25 years are bezzy mates.
I rarely see either of them now - they both have loads of money and I only ever see them on posh holidays on social media. This has gone on for 20 years but it still drives me nuts/feels so hurtful/makes me cry.
I feel like I'm too old for this but i can't help how much it hurts.I honestly don't know how to get over this/myself. Just feel so left out year after year. Horrible.

@Thelnebriati thankyou for your empathy - kindness well received today

@MonsteraMama yes - i hear you thank you!

I get that this is painful op, but it sounds like it's reached the point where you are harming your emotional health by dwelling on it.

Mute them on social media. Don't search for them/look at their photos.

Do you have other friends and family that you routinely spend time with. Re-focus on those people and on yourself and your own needs, as this pattern is robbing you of joy.

I can't help how I feel

Er, you can actually. Your feelings come from your thoughts and those can be changed. If you are constantly looking at their pics on social media and entertaining the thought that you are being left out and sidelined and are not liked then of course you'll feel sad and tearful.

However, if you decide that you arent going to pore over their photos, will accept their decision to leave you out (whilst acknowledging the hurt but not dwelling on it) and are going to move on and make better new friends then you wont feel so sad.

Check out Mel Robbins and the "let them" theory.

I'm not really close to either of them now. They are very close to each other.

Somehow you need to write this off as a thing in your life. It's been a long long time and they're just two good friends who you happened to know first. Their wealth and the way they spend their time is no reflection on you or anything to do with you really. They're not leaving you out, or if they ever did, it's been decades now.

You can only control your own life and need to look at what's missing in that which this is tapping into it and address it. Is it a need for closer friendships with other people, is it about money/career? Whatever it is, you can only work on either improving your lot or accepting and ideally appreciating it, as looking to these two friends is only going to make you bitter for no good reason. Lots of people will appear to have better lives and lots have worse ones than you, but everyone's lives have ups and downs and no one knows what it's really like for others.

No one is in the wrong here. The OP is entitled to feel jealous or hurt and the friends are equally entitled to build their own relationship.

Remember the saying 'friends come into your life for a reason , a season or a life time'. it sounds like these women were seasonal friends for the OP and are now also seasonal (or maybe lifetime) friends to one another.

Friendships evolve over time. That's normal and healthy.

If that was directed at me my comment wasn't meant to be a "tip" just literally a question.

Do you invest a lot of time and energy into friendships? I don't - I'd rather spend time with my husband and kids and also find alone time precious so while I have a few friends I have the odd lunch with I have no close "besties" to holiday with or spam social media. That's my choice but if I were jealous of close friends on social media I know I would need to make an awful lot more effort with friends if I want the same.

Edit: so is there a nice friend of yours that you could "invest" your energy in your build s great close friendship. Have you seen "Bridesmaids"? Like the lady with the dogs and government clearance- waiting to be a great friend to the heroine but she is too bust being jealous of others friendship.

@pinkdelight yes i hear you thanksx

OP, with kindness, this friendship is over. Delete them from social media and move on with your life.

It’s ok that they have developed a friendship and moved away from you. It sucks, but that’s life.

Have a hug if you need it.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you never mention once what effort you put in with either of these people, you mention their efforts to keep in touch and maintain contact with each other, and you mention your hurt when you're faced with the output. What do you do to keep in touch, meet up, see, contact these people? Or do you simply hurt because they have maintained and fostered a relationship where you haven't?

People drift apart, it’s normal. You’re no longer close, that’s all. And it’s been 20 years now.

I do understand that it’s a bit hurtful - but to still be this cut up about it after 20 years of them being friends seems like quite an extreme reaction, and I’m wondering if there’s more to this? Are there other things in your life that maybe you feel this has somehow become symbolic of?

I don’t lack sympathy for you because it’s obviously really eating you up and that must be hard, but I’m just wondering if this is a situation where you’re channelling all your hurt into this one thing when there are actually other things or past difficulties that are the real issue.

Yes, this would have been my question.

@velvetcoat I more meant I can't help a visceral reaction really - i get that I can change tho. Will google Mel Robbins. Thankyou

Of course this is hugely hurtful, OP. But the immediate problem of seeing their posts on SM is to block them. You must be aware of that, so is it that you are hesitant to in case they do try to contact you and you don't receive it? You're holding out hope perhaps?

Op do you have other friends? Are you lonely? Is part of this about money?

How of cours4 it’s hugely hurtful? The two woman are entitled to develop a friendship,over the years, it’s been two decades, the op is not really in touch with them. They aren’t deliberately excluding her,

this isn’t about the two woman, it’s about something else, loneliness, finances, they signify something the op is unhappy with in her current life , something she wants and doesn’t have . If she was happy she’d be happy they were friends.

OP can still be unhappy with her life and hurt that her friends are moving on without her

Do you have good friends now?

Block them on SM

Not for two decades. Cmon now.

Jesus @Frasers you never been hurt by anything. Please scroll on by.thanks

This has gone on for 20 years but it still drives me nuts/feels so hurtful/makes me cry

From the OP so yeah

@KreedKafer yes some food for thought there thanks. Jesus there's some harsh people on mumsnet these days!!

20 years is a long time, are you sure you are actually friends or do you just follow them on SM, I don't mean this unkindly

Please will people stop telling me to unfollow on SM!
I DO not follow anyone- occasionally something pops up via a mutualfriend. PLEASE no more helpful tips re unfollowing.If it was that simple i would have done it by now!

@Blake77 maybe not - or maybe in my head we are but in theirs we're not. Good question.