Rage at friends friendship!

[Billyandharry]

My oldest school friend of 40 yrs and my oldest uni friend of 25 years are bezzy mates.
I rarely see either of them now - they both have loads of money and I only ever see them on posh holidays on social media. This has gone on for 20 years but it still drives me nuts/feels so hurtful/makes me cry.
I feel like I'm too old for this but i can't help how much it hurts.I honestly don't know how to get over this/myself. Just feel so left out year after year. Horrible.

If this situation is this longstanding (@Billyandharry is very unclear on the exact timeline -- it's not clear to me at least, when she introduced her friends of 40 years and 25 years standing, respectively, and whether they hit it off immediately, or much later on, after a lot of seeing one another as a trio), I think it's something to be discussed in therapy, rather than with a friend. I mean, it sounds as if it's more than simply an understandable hurt at two friends you introduced becoming very close and your friendship with both suffering. It also isn't clear to me whether @Billyandharry stopped making an effort to see them as an angry/hurt response to them befriending one another.

OP I can see why people are having difficulty with understanding how hurtful this is. If it hurts it hurts, - it really doesn't matter what other people think

I think that people are having difficulty with this because - in the real world, the adult world of bigger problems - it is all so trivial. ..and you are wasting your fleeing and precious time on this planet, obsessing on (what people you barely know), are doing.

But this doesn't mean you aren't allowed to be pissed by this but you have let it turn you bitter I am afraid. I know you will say you aren't bitter, but my friend, sadly you are.

Decades old friendships that are not even really friends still - and this seems to leave you feeling excluded - there is nothing you can do but to let it go. Honestly they arent even giving you a second thought - if i was one of them and saw this, it would scare me that you had made this such a big thing

it really is not that deep, and that what people are saying

Some people would kill for these problems. And this is going to leave your AIBU open to ridicule I am afraid

It hurts to feel excluded. Even if people have a perfect right to do so. Its ok that both of these things are true at the same time.

It`s been a long time you need to move on for this.
No point in seeing red every time you see a new pitcher in SM we can all take a nice pic in a good setting dont mean we have perfect lifes.
Most of SM is crap lies and over exaggerating dont believe everything you see.
I think its best to just unfriend and block.

Do social media accounts for following your hobbies, interests, etc - no people involved. Do one for people involved.

I don't know if this helps provide a different perspective.

My sister had a best friend growing up at school. She, the best friend, became part of our family - we were all in and out of each other's houses and as kids we all played together, but my sister and this girl were best friends.

As we grew up, we all had babies at the same time. My sister and the rest of my family moved away when our babies were small. Mobile phones were a thing but more of a luxury item and none of us had the money for the internet.

Her friend and I started to hang out more and more. We were teen parents, broke and we were honestly a true support for each other. Childcare, company, food when we needed sometimes. My sister, who had moved 200 miles away, went off the rails a bit. Drink, different men etc. I always was there for her and talked to her and visited as often as I could, but their friendship suffered. They coped differently with being teen parents (my sister didn't cope frankly) and this, combined with different family events, the lack of being able to afford to talk regularly on the phone/by text or the lack of willingness on both sides to write to each other meant they grew distant and in the end, stopped speaking entirely. They are both very different people at any rate.

Our friendship grew though and we became 'best friends', when I moved away, I still made sure to go to my hometown regularly and 20 years on, we are still close. This drives my sister crazy. She hates it. She rants and spits at anyone who will listen when she has too much to drink about how I stole her best friend. I am careful about what I post on social media because it can set her off.

I am caught. I love my sister and I love my friend. I am unwilling to give up this friendship.

My friend is pretty pragmatic, just sees the issue being that they grew apart like a lot of friends do and sees her as a little batty these days. She has no gripe but has no desire to reach out and try and be the friends they were as youngsters.

It's hard but there was honestly no deception or deliberate act to omit her. It's just how the cookie has crumbles.

Really sorry to hear this OP, and I hope you take the following as how I intend it but I know it may be difficult to hear and way off the mark, and all I can say is that I used to have that same reaction and couldn't feel happy for them. I don't make friends easily but when I do I want them to be bonds for life, so to see me being cut out of a friendship circle was very hard for me. Okay here goes,

I seeked counsiling because it was eating me up. I didn't want to have that immediate reaction. I believe that you don't want that reaction, you want to be able to say "I'm really pleased that I brought them together, but I do wish that they were my friends still". You can't deny that you feel "dismissed" because that's a really valid feeling but perhaps with time and a helping hand you can wor out why you react the way you do, and perhaps with learning that you may find a level of peace.

I don't want to try to upset you at all in saying this. I can only say that seeking counselling for this and other issues has really allowed me to accept that I will never be able to just go "Oh good for them" without the "but I wish.... " and I now realise that and recognise it which allows me to cope. I'd prefer not to say the underlying reasons for this,but do say if you want me to, and I will.

Perhaps that is avenue that you might be able to explore. All I can say is that it works for me. I don't know many people who went to a counsellor and didn't wish "Why didn't I go earlier"... it might be choice for you to say "Nope I can't do that" or "Let's give that a go because this is eating me up". Counsellors don't judge, they help you explore the why.

You are not really friends with them anymore.

Time to unfriend on social media too.

I get it. I've had that happen to me. It hurts.

I agree with this. You’ve just drifted apart, so you need to accept this and move on (I appreciate it is not easy). We all have lapsed friendships and friends who seem to see others more etc. That’s life, especially if you live far apart and/or have busy lives. All you can do is cultivate the relationships with those who are special to you and try not to dwell on the past. Jealousy will get you nowhere.

I am trying to understand the timeline. You and your Uni friend were friend for 5 years. She then met your school BF of 20 years. Now they have been close for 20 years themselves. Which suggests that your Uni friends has been close friends to your school friend for much longer than to you.

It maybe that this is a superficial friendship based on belonging to a common social class. But none of us can know that.

We can however try to help you unpack why you feel abandoned by a friend you knew for only a few years. It’s possible that both your school friend and Uni friend have other friends too. Is it that they bonded with each other that hurts? And what is your social circle like? My school BF lives in the country I grew up in. I left for Uni. She does still hang out with our old friends from school but obviously I can’t because I am several continents away. But when I do go home we find one day to spend the whole day together. Friendships can be nurtured in different ways- we can have intense 1:1 friendships, ones based on common interests, one in certain stages of our life etc. And even if you want to give up on these two friendships perhaps we can help you figure out how to sustain the friendships you have now?

Sorry to hear this and that people have been harsh. To be honest you could post you've just saved a sack of puppies from drowning and the nasty people and trolls would attack you.

I hope you have some decent friends out there.

Most people don't want friends who are needy, jealous and obsessive.

I can understand your upset. It is upsetting to see ppl you used to know better doing fun things together.

What I've never understood is the need for ppl to broadcast their social lives on Facebook or similar. I mean both the ppl who were there know they were there, so why the need to tell everyone else.
Share photos by WhatsApp or similar if need be.

What have they done wrong other than have more disposable income than you?

Block them and get counselling for your extreme jealousy?

This is harsh but if you block them rather than unfollow then if a mutual friend shared something then maybe you wouldn’t see it.
I struggle with seeing everyone’s best lives on SM and remember it is just one perfect moment in amongst all the boring stuff

i have to have a break from SM over mothers and Father’s Day and Xmas as I don’t have that massive family all round the Xmas tree and estranged parents. So protect your heart from it

This doesn’t make sense. I’m not on social media and therefore never ever see anyone from my past on my screens.

I understand, OP. 2 of my formerly best friends are still very close, but don't make an effort with me anymore, which obviously hurt. I have now come to a different perspective on it, though, and am thankful for the times we did have together but accept we've all moved on. We are at least still on friendly terms when we occasionally meet, because we never had a big bust-up. They are both in the same profession and share a hobby, so it was very likely that they would have more in common and they weren't cruel about it, just we've grown apart despite my best efforts.

Do You have other friends? I ask because I have found myself in similar situations in the past and realised the reason I get hurt so much is because I don’t have other friends so the few friendships I had meant a lot more to me than the other person. I think some people forget that not everyone finds making friends easy (especially as an adult).

Thing is, OP, you don't seem to want a solution. I'm not sure what you want but on this thread you seem to want to get angry at people

If you are still feeling visceral jealousy after 20 years you need help

You need counselling or hypnotherapy to work out WHY this makes you jealous

Has it happened to me?

Yes

Do I react like you?

No

You need assistance to find out why you feel jealous because feeling jealous.... after all these years.... is crazy

@Billyandharry sending you a big hug, you can't help the way you feel and it does suck. I think I would also find such a thing hurtful. Yes, a lot of time has passed, but everyone is different at dealing with loss; ultimately, this is what it is.

Just venting is fine and I hope you feel better. Sometimes there is no solution as such and you just need to get it out of your system, perhaps writing it all down in a journal or talking to a therapist will help. All I would say is that sometimes this stuff just happens, and even though it doesn't feel like it, it wasn't personal, it doesn't have anything to do with you and it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you.

Take care x

Hi,
I'm sorry that you are feeling this way. I can relate to the situation, had my fair share of being let down by so called friends!
Perhaps try some counselling - twenty years is a long time to carry this around with you and it gets heavy! I think it's possible there are some underlying issues with how much this is affecting you and it would help to talk to somebody about them. Sometimes you don't realise what these are until you try counselling.
Hope you find a way to work through this x

Hello OP
i’ve had something similar happen but with my entire group of long-term friends. One person dedicated a lot of time and energy to controlling the narrative about me and I didn’t have the same time and energy to make sure the truth was known.
i was busy with 2 kids, baby loss at 17 weeks, a full-time job (I was the only earner who could pay the mortgage) and absolutely useless emotionally abusive husband.
she worked part-time and had plenty of time to make up stuff about me.
i trusted my friends would find out the truth but they just took my absence as evidence I was a rubbish friend. Nobody called me to see if I was OK. I was at breaking point. Nobody even really knows I lost a baby. Nobody knows about my emotionally abusive marriage. She told stories to make me look like a difficult person. When the truth is I was in crisis and struggling.
This was in 2015 just as WhatsApp became the way to communicate. she created a WhatsApp group and nobody added me in. I was effectively removed from everything overnight. It took me ages to notice as I was so busy at work and busy grieving my baby.
years on it takes my breath away when I see them all meeting up without me. I see the girl who I helped through a divorce in her early twenties who wondered back in 2004 how she’d ever return the favour…. Well she didn’t call once to see how I was I 2015. I was shocked nobody valued my friendship since 1990. It’s like they never cared.
i totally know how you feel when you talk about grief. I know how the anger feels irrational even though we know life isn’t fair sometimes.
your feelings are valid. Please ignore the nasty people on here. We all have a right to feel things and the fact that you acknowledge that you’d like to rationalise your feelings shows you are an emotionally mature person.
being diagnosed as autistic has helped me view the past in a different way. I still need to take a seat and cope with my emotions when I see photos of the group of “my” friends together. I still quite can’t believe nobody called me to see how I was.
i wish you well for the future. Please ignore the nasty people on here.

Eskimalita