Rage at friends friendship!

[Billyandharry]

My oldest school friend of 40 yrs and my oldest uni friend of 25 years are bezzy mates.
I rarely see either of them now - they both have loads of money and I only ever see them on posh holidays on social media. This has gone on for 20 years but it still drives me nuts/feels so hurtful/makes me cry.
I feel like I'm too old for this but i can't help how much it hurts.I honestly don't know how to get over this/myself. Just feel so left out year after year. Horrible.

I think you need to let it go OP. I have a friend of a couple of decades who introduced me to a friend of hers through a hobby we all do/did.
Original friend stopped the hobby a few years ago and furthermore doesn’t want to or can’t (excuses imo) meet for coffe/lunch/walk whatever…should the lady she introduced me to not be my friend now? We get on really well and would both be thrilled if original friend joined back in but she’s been reluctant to commit to anything, slow to reply to messages so we’ve just moved on. Not saying you've been the same OP, but friendships really shouldn’t be this hard.

I can understand why you find it difficult to see , but essentially it sounds as though you have drifted away from the individual friendships, whereas your old friends have connected and kept up a friendship. Some friendships are for life, but most will be short lived for a short period of your life , and that's fine.

Do you have other friends OP? If you do, I just feel like you need to let this go, it's wasted energy and doing you no favours. Just focus on the strong friendships you have now and not in the past.

Op, I’m not being harsh or trying to hurt you, I’m trying to help you get to the bottom of why you feel like this after so many years. so you can then fix it.

when is the last time you reached out to either of these women, or met them socially to spend time together?

I can see why it's hurtful if you introduced them.
I remember this happening once with one of my mum's mates, she introduced two of her besties, from different countries/backgrounds. Then gradually they basically paired up and my mum did feel a bit hurt and excluded.
It's best if you just don't look at their social media. Keep in touch to say happy birthday, at Xmas etc if you like. But they're not really your close friends now.
I hope you can focus on current friendships, or making new ones if that's what you'd like. You don't need those two. It sounds like at this stage you've little in common now anyway.

block them

Been going on for 20 YEARS and you're still chucking a wobbly about it? They can be ''bezzy's if they want, your attitude and tantrums about it are very childish! Get over it! Find new friends! You're supposed to be an adult!

Feel better for kicking OP when she's down?

Awww what a lovely post, you must feel better after that...

I can be quite sensitive at times, but I don't think this would bother me, after 20 years

I wonder if there are other issues going on for you OP? Sometimes, we get upset about issue A, but really it's about issue B

HNRWT

Has anyone suggested Therapy?! But first, I would suggest you unfollow ALL mutual friends. This is not healthy for you.

On the other hand, I was subjected to past ‘friends’ wanting to destroy my life without any basis simply because I out earned them all and by a mile. Luckily, I had long previously ended the last friendships as i could just see it was no longer genuine or mutual so I got them all out of their misery by moving on without even a goodbye! Best decision I ever did!

@Flumpie59 jeez - ever tried just being kind or even scrolling on by? Talk about kick someone when they're down.

@BobbyBiscuits thanks for your reply. Not many people have actual lived experience of this sorry it happened to your mum btw. (But ofcourse everyone has an opinion :)).

One thing I've learnt on here is that people have vastly different ideas of what being friends means. I was on a thread a while back full of people thinking that you can consider a person that you've had no contact with in 5 years.

Ask yourself what friendship means to you.

OP, I don't think you answered a pp's question about how much effort you've put into maintaining friendships with these two people over the past 20 years? Because if you haven't made a point of keeping in touch with either of them, and they've made efforts to see one another, phone one another etc, surely you can see how this situation has come about? When was the last time you contacted either of them?

@Impasse I've made efforts over the years but often not reciprocated and made to feel like the poor relation.

Jeez so many opinions so little empathy on this site these days.

Op what would you like? If it is just people to sympathise, say so.

otherwide people are trying to help.

it doesn’t sound like you have any relationship with these women any more, it drifted, as friendships do. For some reason I think you’re embarrassed to admit that straight out, you’ve not been friends for years and have not been in contact socially for a very long time.

so this comes back to is this highlighting something you’re unhappy about in your own life, lack of money, no friends etc? And you see them, having fun, spare cash, holidays. And it makes you feel bad about your own circumstances?

if that’s the case the focus on trying to resolve this. Do you work? Why do you have a lack of money. Can you improve that? Do you have friends, if not, why not, can you make some, what needs to change to make you happy and happy for others?

I can understand why you'd be hurt by them but you can't control how others behave. Either delete your social media or restrict/delete them.
Only other option I can think of is to have a conversation with them about how it's affecting you.

How do you mean exactly, the 'poor relation'?

I am, literally, the poor relation in some of my friendships, where I'm by far the poorest person, but it's never made a difference to the real friendships. I've just come back from holiday with some very old friends whose household income is probably three times or more mine and DH's, and who are from old money stock (we stayed at a beautiful old family house belonging to a relative of one of them for part of the time) -- now they've gone on to a much more luxurious destination for their 'real' holiday, and we've come home. But disparity in income has never got in the way of us continuing to be friends. When we first knew one another, we were all students living on fresh air and small change.That bond hasn't weakened.

@Frasers JEEZ I Asked you to scroll on by. Have you got nothing better to do? Heard of 'be kind'

@Impasse glad you had a fun holiday. Your bond is still strong. Good for you. Mine is obviously not is it? Feel better now?

Thanks all for tips and pointers and advice. Coming off now as there's a bit of nastiness which is quite triggering. Thanks again those that were kind and thought provoking.

If they made you feel like the poor relation, they are shit friends.

My bestie owns a house worth six times the value of mine (no mortgage) and other friends are much wealthier than me. We are all still good friends and arrange to meet up and go on holiday together regularly.

I think you are grieving the loss of people who aren’t actually worth it.

@Billyandharry I understand why it hurts. Some people say it wouldn't bother them. But they could try saying it in a nicer way and having more empathy! Your feelings are completely valid.

This entirely.
Come on people. Can we just not let @Billyandharry be upset and have a vent without piling on. I can see why they’re feeling upset about it. Maybe just vocalising it, op, would help you. But perhaps not on here. Anyone in RL that would understand?