Am I being mean about the "supersweet" friend?

[endlessnonsense]

I have a friend (well, she's equally a friend of me and DH, she and her XH used to be our neighbours). We now only see her a couple of times a year as we live far away now, and I wouldn't call her a really close friend. When we go on holiday, which is to a hot seaside place in Europe, we often get friends joining us as we have a place to stay and a boat, which is fun. This year she came.

I spent a lot of the time she was here in a state of suppressed anger at her, which caused me to resent her being here. This is because she turned out, on a several-days long time together, rather than the odd dinner we usually have, to be constantly pretending (or was she pretending?) to be very thoughtful and considerate, when I felt she was being just the opposite, in a passive aggressive way.

Everywhere we suggested going and everything we suggested doing, she deferred to us, "oh I'll do whatever you want, don't worry about me", never offering any suggestions of her own or seeming especially enthusiatic. OK, fair enough, we know the place and she doesn't. But it went much further. She was always faux putting herself down/being the martyr/putting on performative sweetness.

My son has special needs and she is always supersweet to him, but I told her multiple times during the holiday, no, he doesn't want an ice cream, he doesn't like it. It must have run into more than a dozen times she said, "oh darling, do you want an ice cream, oh please let me get him an ice cream, I'll pay"(as though I wasn't getting him the ice cream myself because of meanness). (Strangely, although she knows he does like chocolate, she never once offered to buy him a chocolate)

We planned a trip to a particular place she hadn't been, specifically to show it to her. Other friends were coming too, they are local and had been to the place many times, but we're coming along to be sociable with us and her. When she asked me how many people were coming and I mentioned it would be quite a few (in positive way, saying it would be a fun social event) she said, all sweetly, "well if you don't have room for me I'll just stay behind at the apartment, I don't mind at all". That really annoyed me, she knew the trip was arranged specifically for her!

Another (even more annoying) example, we were at a beach bar/restaurant with a bunch of people. Too many to get one table so we were split between 2 tables. Our food came marginally before the other table's (not more than 2 or 3 minutes). In that time she expressed concern that the toddler at the other table had not yet got her food, and actually got up to take her own plate of food to the toddler (it was a salad of some sort and the toddler was getting chips, so not even remotely the same thing). Me and DH had to physically get her to stop it and sit down before the toddler's mum saw.

She has always been very much a "oh don't worry about me, I'll just have a tap water" type of person, but on this holiday she really got my goat. She's left now and I am not sure if she noticed I was a bit snippy with her by the end. AIBU and a mean friend?

Bingo I knew you would say the 'can' vs 'won't line! I used the 'can' word deliberately as I was just waiting for you to proclaim your prowess at pseudo analysis! And please stop - we both know the 'observation' was just a veiled criticism. Lets not pretend shall we?

I thought this. She sounds quite anxious and perhaps also lacking in social awareness.

@endlessnonsense i 100% get what you mean and I’m very surprised at some of the responses on here 😂

I have a similar friend who I can enjoy being with 1-1 as their behaviour is less performative (still there but less grand / easier to ignore), but it’s unbearable in a group so I have to distance myself. The trying to feed the toddler example made me think immediately of them. Derails conversations to over-compliment others or put self down.

Ive spent a lot of time thinking about it and they’re a good friend on all other counts, and as a person is worth it, so I’ve chosen to do what I can to ignore it and protect myself when it gets bad. I also know it likely comes from self esteem issues (but it’s soo unnecessary). But my feeling this way doesn’t mean I don’t like them or despise them, it’s quite the opposite.

No one else seems to notice except my DH and I’ve often wondered why. But maybe it doesn’t bother other people as evidenced by this thread!

She knew exactly who would be here, a mix of other holiday-makers we know (some of whom she knows and timed her holiday to coincide with), and local people we know (most of whom she has met before).

The people going on about her being anxious in groups, not understanding what kind of holiday she had come on etc, are very far from the mark and chasing a red herring, as it were. She came here precisely for a bit of social fun in a pretty and warm place. As I said before, she had been on holiday with us before. Also, she enjoyed the first four days of hanging out with us and our other friends (well she said she did at any rate).

OP you don't have to justify yourself to anyone on here.

You know here we don't.
You feel like she's a fake - that's all that matters.
Cut her off.
You're not a social worker, a saint, God - you don't need to do anything for her.
You came on here because you feel guilty cutting her off because you know she's a fake and can't prove it.
You don't have to prove it.
Hang out with people that don't annoy you.

A very sensible and balanced response, FlyingButtresses. I understand OPs struggle with irritation with this super-sweetness which also doesn’t seem sincere. The repeated offers of ice-cream that she would pay for sounds torturous and extremely provocative. And stupid.

According to 60% of responders.

Why would you be embarrassed by someone's coping mechanism? If she is shy then she'll be keeping busy to take the pressure off talking to people. Or she might like being busy. What's wrong with acknowledging everyone on arrival?

I get what the OP means but I'm quite easy going, can find something I'd want to eat on every menu, enjoy any day out, I just like being out and enjoy tiding up/being busy. I'm by no means trying to fit in.

I don’t know which is the better emoji to respond to this:
🙄
or
🤣

@Marinade A pp called you out on what they perceived as hypocrisy earlier due to your comments on a different thread (which I didn't see) and you accused them of "stalking" you.

You've drawn a lot of attention to yourself on this thread by arguing relentlessly with several others posters.

It's not your opinion on whether the OP was mean or not that is the problem - it's your posting style; spiteful, obtuse, petty and childish that means I'll certainly recognise your username in future. No "stalking" 🙄 necessary.

“Cod psychology’ always makes me think of someone who is trying to psychoanalyse a fish.

Ah I'm a flaky "I don't mind" person 🤣 thanks for this thread, I can now work on myself and be more assertive. Always been told to be more assertive, but never been told how annoying it is 🤷‍♀️

OP, I admire your mature, controlled responses to some of the idiotic criticisms of you on here. My goodness, you’ve been called performative, jealous, a show-off…
How can anyone think the woman you describe as ‘nice’? Who would repeatedly offer ice-cream to a child who dislikes it then compound the idiocy by implying the parent is too mean to pay? She would have driven me batty.

You might enjoy this https://mantracare.org/therapy/therapy-types/cod-psychology/ 😂

Nothing to add here except... I hear you 💐

Thank you! 😀
🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟

I'll add some cod psychology.

I don't think you are threatened by her, OP. I do think you are a little scared of her situation. Your DH wasn't bothered by her, yet you were excessively bothered. When that happens it's usually because something about the person is showing an aspect of yourself that you dislike.

So if you were without your entertaining DH, boat, house, and being reliant on friends - maybe you are scared that you too would be a 'wet blanket'.

Just as a complete aside and a total derail: it is making me grimly laugh at all the people pitying this woman (myself included) for being a divorcee as if she was recovering from a serious illness.

Divorce was one of the best things that has ever happened to me and was fantastic for my social life. Obviously it can cause anxiety and make people feel unsettled when they are going through it but we should not all assume that this turns her into an object of pathetic pity!

Divorced people can be very much more confident and social than people stuck in long, boring marriages!

Such an interesting thread and shows you how differently people think and 'read the room'

I can't see how anyone could not inwardly cringe at the toddler salad moment. I don't have children. I would instinctively know however that it would not be appropriate to take my food over to another parent's child in this situation. True deference here - would be assuming that the parent of the child has control of the situation and doesn't need me to intervene.

Going over with my own food is not deferential or people pleasing. It creates an impression that you think you know better than the parents, what the child needs.

It would different if they had forgot that tables food - of course then you would say - would 'child' want anything from our table to keep him going while you wait etc..

There is nuance here that I think a lot of people just don't see (which kind of explains a lot of why this happens in the first place)

@AcrosstheKenyanGrasslands

I can't see how anyone could not inwardly cringe at the toddler salad moment. I don't have children. I would instinctively know however that it would not be appropriate to take my food over to another parent's child in this situation. True deference here - would be assuming that the parent of the child has control of the situation and doesn't need me to intervene.

It’s incredibly patronising, controlling and weird. Thinking you know more about the needs of a small infant you barely know than its parents. No way could that have been an act of genuine kindness.

But to add to that, I hear a lot of the posters saying they sometimes see themselves doing things like the Ops friend and it helps me understand and be more empathetic in future to it - not veering straight to irritation as I agree this probably exacerbates it as the friend picks up on the irritation and does more and more to try and placate etc.

I'm not sure why you'd even go on holiday with someone you have 2 dinners with a year? Fucking crazy!

But yes, I completely understand your point. My old next neighbour is kind of the same and it drives me mad sometimes. I feel sorry for her as she's all on her own. Now we've moved, I do check on her. The other day she had a nasty fall whilst jogging, 2 teeth knocked out, massive bump on the head, she rang me, I took her to a&e, the wait was 2 hours, she didn't want to wait, then texts me to tell me she went at 6am the next morning on her bike feeling wobbly! Crazy, I was there with her, why not wait with me when I could drive her home etc? It's the martyrdom of it that annoys me.

I deeply don't care how you or any other 'vanilla' random on this site perceives my posting style. You obviously need something to occupy your time so crack on with your sleuthing and amateur psychology 😂

Oh I recognise you - you are the poster I called erudite for this little 'gem below': Glad it struck a nerve with you! Hilarious to call be obtuse when you use this type of crude and vulgar language. Do you happen to write for the Sun? This site NEVER fails to please.

I'm glad there are people like you - it means I don't have to bother with irritating people. She would get right on my tits.