Sister Regifting

[Dobbysocks]

My sister and I used to be very close but owing to some challenges our relationship isn’t what it once was. I have two boys, one four and one newborn and she has a seven year old girl. Generally, gifts on special occasions for the kids are thoughtful and useful.

My sister left some presents at my parents for me and my mum passed these on. She had regifted the following;

• A stained three piece baby set with an item missing, so a two piece in reality.
• A baby bouquet where the ‘flowers’ are rolled up socks etc. All bar a few items which were once white had yellowed as it’s obviously been stored since she had her daughter. In fact, I remember her specifically saying how much she hated it when she was given it.
• A photo frame given to her by our cousin when her daughter was born. This was in perfect condition unlike the above.

All the gifts were thrown in a supermarket bag and smelt musty, as if they’d just been cleared out of the loft or storage and passed on to me instead of being properly sorted.

AIBU to be upset by being given this from my sister? Particularly the stained, missing and yellowed items?

I'd have left them with mum to return to sister and say thanks but no thanks.

Were they gifts for an occassion or just things she was passing on and hadn’t looked at for a long time?

Was it just stuff she wanted to pass on or was it specifically for an occasion , I'd wash it and use it . Is it that she has limited cash? Or is it" that'll do for a present " thoughtlessness.

It was a present for my new baby who is 3 weeks old. She’s not short on cash. She has two properties, a rental income and both she and my BIL are higher earners.

I don’t really care if she gets gifts for the baby or not, I would’ve preferred nothing. I’m miffed at being given stained, partially missing regifts and that hurts more than receiving nothing would have.

Wash and use what you can. Otherwise wash and give to charity.
You can refrain from taking exception.
You can just say thanks and leave any mean spiritedness to your sister (who might have just had a rough week)

I'd give them back via your mum and tell her you don't want her old cast offs.

I mean you couldn't be so blunt with a friend but with family you absolutely can.

Just do it.

Are you sure it was meant to be a gift and not just passing on hand-me-downs?

Yes, she specifically messaged me saying she’s left a gift for the baby with my parents.

I think that was mean of her as it was specifically a gift rather than just giving things she no longer wanted but you might find useful. I also think it’s odd that she saves things like that long enough to get musty rather than donating them while they are still new.

Even if she had run out of time an e voucher would have been better.

You’re not unreasonable for being upset but I wouldn’t make an issue of it, just adjust your expectations going forward. You can’t even really match her when you give presents in the future because that would mean taking it out on your niece. Some of the meanest people I’ve known have been wealthy and it seems she’s the same

I’m miffed at being given stained, partially missing regifts and that hurts more than receiving nothing would have.

Tell her this and send them back.

I think regifting is only ok if we are honest and say, this isn’t my sort of thing, would you like it? I really hate when people pass off unwanted stuff as a thoughtful present. There must be so many old 3 for 2 boots gift sets circulating through the country, being regifted time after time, I’d honestly prefer to just receive a nice card rather than when you get a card and a shower gel and terrible pointless handcream set, it’s just so thoughtless. I see on here in January lots of people bulk buying this sort of junk for Christmas presents to give at the end of the year, I just know they are going to be opened and the receiver is going to have that sudden disappoint in the pit of their stomach. If we can’t be thoughtful with gifts, best just not to bother with that side of things. I actively encouraged all my adult family to stop with the pointless Christmas presents, it’s stressful and wasteful.

Op if your feeling brave hand it back either to your sister or mother directly and tell the truth about what you think of these gifts and that you know where they came from. If your unable to, then quietly stop with the gifts to each other, or make little effort yourself in future, go to boots and bulk buy all the weird thoughtless gift sets, lots of interesting ones to choose from, a handy Guinness mug with a face flannel, strange smelling shower gel with a hand cream that you can add to all the other out of date ones in your bathroom drawer. A beer glass set with a bottle opener key ring, all three for two and say, I love you and have put absolutely no thought into this item, but that’s you delt with! 😂

You say there were challenges in your relationship, maybe she is upset with you and wants to let you know by doing this , the fact she didn't personally give them to you says a lot . Has she met the new baby at all

This is exactly my sentiments. I would never do such a thing to my niece.

I’d send her a message saying, ‘Thanks, mum has just passed the carrier bag of old stuff from you on. I remember you being given that baby bouquet of socks for x years ago 😂’

Then you’ve said thanks and also told her you know it’s a bag of her old presents.

You have challenges, but if she usually unkind/mean? Is this what she does? You said gifts are usually thoughtful/useful, is that her style?

If she doesn’t have form I’d assume good intent.

I’d ask her it’ll everything is okay with her as you got the baby gift and very honestly you were shocked that she gave you stained, partially missing regifts which is not like her… so you wanted to check in with her and see if there’s anything wrong.

if you don’t want to call it out I’d dial down the gifts massively. Like £10-15 limit

No she hasn’t yet met the new baby. She hasn’t been over to my house since January due to some wildly inappropriate comments made by her child that I did not want my son exposed to or repeating. (Mentioning killing, suicide and hatred towards a religious group. She’s 7.)

Prior to this, I have been a victim of sexual abuse in the form of voyeurism, at the hands of her husband without my knowledge or consent. I was secretly filmed in the shower when I stayed at her home once which means I do not go to her home anymore or talk to her husband. Since this, our relationship has become very different.

I agree she is probably showing her emotions by doing this. I just think it’s unwarranted and a bit horrible for a newborn baby to be the subject of nastiness dressed up as something nice. She also made some disparaging comments about newborn DS’s name.

I wouldn't thank her (there's nothing to feel grateful for and no thought has gone into it). If she asks if you got it just say yes.

There are 2 possible scenarios-

1. Sister unexpectedly busy last week or unexpectedly broke and either doesn’t have time or money to get a better gift- therefore throws together something in haste thinking that it’s the best she can do (maybe some of it looked fine to her before it was all opened out and she thought it was better than sending nothing); or
2. sister deliberately sends a rubbish gift because she’s pissed off with you and wants to make a point. Doesn’t sound that likely if she’s been good with gifts in the past but we don’t know the history.

Either way best thing to do is to take the gift with good grace, say thanks, use what you can and recycle the rest. If this keeps happening then I’d probably just make a suggestion that you stop doing gifts and just all go out for a meal or something, and if you suspect there are other issues in the relationship address those separately.

She’s often unkind and mean unfortunately, even to my parents. Usually not with things to do with my son but it appears that children are now no longer exempt from the meanness either.

I think that maybe low contact with her is best for you , the husband thing would have been enough for me to go no contact , that's more than a challenge it's a crime

Yeah from your updates I think go low contact but don’t make it about the gift! There are much bigger issues here to deal with.

Jesus that is some backstory…!!!

no one wants to be the villain in own their own story….she must be dealing with an unreal amount of cognitive dissonance at her behaviour and her families.

she has an child with What sounds like significant behavioural issues and a filthy pervert of a husband she’s standing by…

you are an inconvenient reminder of both.
her behaviour is 💯 about her not you…

I’d give the “gifts” back to your mother with a thanks but no thanks and recommend a couple of charities who are taking donations

what does your DM have to say about her Sexpervert SonIL and denier/enabler DD???

fuck me. that changes everything.

Given that information, I wouldn't have even taken the items away with me, from my mum's house. I'd have text my sister and said exactly why.

Did you open them in front of your mum? What was her reaction?

The message is VERY clear - that is all you and your baby are worth 😡