Sister Regifting

[Dobbysocks]

My sister and I used to be very close but owing to some challenges our relationship isn’t what it once was. I have two boys, one four and one newborn and she has a seven year old girl. Generally, gifts on special occasions for the kids are thoughtful and useful.

My sister left some presents at my parents for me and my mum passed these on. She had regifted the following;

• A stained three piece baby set with an item missing, so a two piece in reality.
• A baby bouquet where the ‘flowers’ are rolled up socks etc. All bar a few items which were once white had yellowed as it’s obviously been stored since she had her daughter. In fact, I remember her specifically saying how much she hated it when she was given it.
• A photo frame given to her by our cousin when her daughter was born. This was in perfect condition unlike the above.

All the gifts were thrown in a supermarket bag and smelt musty, as if they’d just been cleared out of the loft or storage and passed on to me instead of being properly sorted.

AIBU to be upset by being given this from my sister? Particularly the stained, missing and yellowed items?

I'd shame her with faux innocence by saying how much you love one of the gifts but does she have the receipt as there is a problem with it e.g. stain and then registry the photo frame to her for her next birthday so she knows you know.

Regifting is good if its thoughtfully done but that isn't.

Send them all back. Thanks but no thanks.

The gift is not the problem here, obviously.

You should report your BIL now. You can say you don’t wish to press charges, but you’d like it on record that you reported it. If he’s done it once, he’ll likely do it again. What is his job? Does he work with women? I honestly dread to think what he is up to or could get up to…

You should also contact Social Services about your niece. You obviously understand Prevent. You know why you should do this too.

I really feel for you. None of this is easy, but you have a responsibility to protect others now.

This is melodramatic.

Some people aren’t gifters which is fine. Our materialistic society is contributing to ruining the planet anyway.

How she treats you around the gifts is what actually matters.

This. Pretend you don't understand that this bag of second-hand tat is the gift:

"Thanks for the second-hand stuff - always happy to take bits off your hands if you are having a clear out. What I can't use I will bin or give to charity if it is good enough. You mentioned a gift for baby? Did you leave this with Mum yet or has she forgotten?"

Just caught up with the info about the sex-offender BIL.

If you want to try and maintain a relationship with yours sister regardless of him, my advice still stands. Play dumb. Pretend you are not the slightest bit offended, because of course that bag of clear-out bits can't possibly have been the present that was mentioned.
So send a text to that effect, then drop it. Don't mention the present again - you have completely forgotten about it so it doesn't even register with you that no real present appeared.

If you want to keep up a relationship with her, I can't think of any other way to respond to such insults except by playing dumb and deliberately not being the slightest bit offended.

Otherwise the option is to let the relationship go.

I would leave those gifts at your mother's, and say they're not needed. Don't bring them home. Ignore your sister, her husband and their children. He is a sexual predator, keep them away from your children.

Years ago when I wasn't in the best place I regifted two outfits to one of my oldest best friends who had just had twins. It haunts me to this day because she had been through years of ivf and had a scary pregnancy and her two little boys were so precious. My outfits were for a 18 month maybe even two years. Were two totally different outfits albeit had never been worn and tags on, one was Hugo boss from what I remember. But I honestly think about it often and regret it so much. She must have known they were regifted and to think I did that to my dear friend and two little babies and didn't put the thought and money behind something kills me.

Dump the stained stuff, charity shop the rest so you're not reminded of her when you see or use it.

Understand that this pettiness is about her, not you . She has major issues to deal with and it's not your fault.

Forget about her behaviour and move on, enjoy your baby 🐥

I am curious about how you and your parents knew about the video. I guess your sister told them.
Maybe she didn't feel that she could report her husband, and her DDs father, and was looking to you and/or your parents to bear the burden.
But you didn't so she's stuck with him.
In your shoes I would report him now before his daughter, for whom there is no escape, becomes his victim.

Tell her. Unburden yourself. Stop being killed 🙏🏼

@Dobbysocks I wondered this. And you don’t have to stay in contact with sister - you can say you love her and you’ll be there for her if she sees sense about her DH but until then, no. As for the gift, say ‘Mum passed on a load of stuff I remember you getting when X was born - but no gift’ 😬
edited for typo

@TemuSpecialBuy are you a therapist? That response was spot on

What do you mean the video was played in court?

Your sister is just as bad as this pervert after she decided to stay with him. Just as bad. Cut her out.

You can either let it upset you and bother you as she clearly intended, or you can think that was a bit mean of her and just get on with life.

You have your family and a beautiful new baby to enjoy -don’t let her actions taint a minute of your time.

In this case, no reaction is the best reaction.
If she asks you did you get the gift, you can say you were surprised at it and leave it at that.

carry on being nice to her daughter and let it go over your shoulder, it will
annoy her more !!

Your parents are pressuring you to accept your sister and her DH because “family”???

What would it take for your parents to accept that you can back off from them, fgs?

Your sister is a bully, a coward and pathetic. Your BIL is a sexual predator, and brazen about it. They both sound racist and hell and are raising their SEVEN!!! year old child to be the same.

Newborn baby regifts wouldn’t be my problem. I’d be having nothing to do with my sister and her family, and if my parents wanted to choose between her and me I’d tell them to go right ahead. I’m not so desperate that I’d put up with people like this in my life. I’d rather be free of this “family” (family my arse. This isn’t how family treat each other. I wouldn’t excuse abuse of a strangers, regift broken shite to a stranger, put up with racist bs from a stranger).

My sister found it on a hard drive and called me in tears when she did. She stayed with my parents for a while, I forced her hand by telling them as she didn’t want to tell them. I unfortunately didn’t have the courage to report. I suffer from anxiety and the thought of such a video being seen by anyone let alone being taken of me caused serious issues. She had no children at the time and after a matter of months decided to forgive him for it and continue the relationship.

Not to accept my BIL. They don’t have anything to do with him anymore either. But to continue a relationship with my sister. Distancing her from his actions, saying what he did was not her fault. Which it wasn’t, but she’s chosen to stay with him which is very much her fault.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

I would text her and say “hey just checking where you have left the baby presents as Mum just handed me a bag of your old baby gifts that are missing bits, smell musty and you hated at the time 😂 Nice of you to offer such items but I’ll pass thanks. Let me know where to find baby’s gift, very excited”

let her feel like a dick

You are being very kind and forgiving OP. If my sister stayed with a man who had done this to me I would have cut her off.
I don't really see the meaning of you staying in contact with her and her family. It will only bring you grief. Even a gift for a newborn gives you grief! Ofcourse she did it on purpose trying to show you that this is what you merit; stained old moldy clothes. But it's for your newborn so really unforgivable. Before someone jumps at me; a person I know always gives second hand gifts to EVERYONE and I don't mind. But I'm sure OP's sister would never dream of gifting a friend with these items (why they have been put away for such a long time).
She chose her DH when she ought to have gone to the police herself for what he did do to you so you cutting her off would be highly understandable (and recommandable imo).

Exactly. Her choice. I would have killed my DH if he did this to any woman, and for my sister I would have chopped him up, before handing him over to the police.

I think your sister seems depressed. I'd send a picture of the new baby and a short note/message of thanks. You don't need to keep the gifts, but this way you've done the right thing and the next move is up to her.

Honestly, the crap baby gifts are the least of your worries 😟 I would not want contact with my sister if she forgave her husband for being an abusive pervert. Voyeurism is dangerous and many sex offenders escalate over time. Obviously she is not to blame for her husband's behaviour but she it totally at fault for forgiving him. You need to think very carefully about whether you want her in your life.

What rubbish. You may just as well have written #bekind <<boak>>

ffs - so what if she is depressed? That's what she gets for staying with a pervert and choosing to have kids with it.

Why on earth should @Dobbysocks fart around her sending pictures?

My SIL has done this to me for years. I now won't put my hand in my pocket for her. She now gets my unwanted gifts. Fair is fair.