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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sister Regifting

111 replies

Dobbysocks · 13/08/2024 09:36

My sister and I used to be very close but owing to some challenges our relationship isn’t what it once was. I have two boys, one four and one newborn and she has a seven year old girl. Generally, gifts on special occasions for the kids are thoughtful and useful.

My sister left some presents at my parents for me and my mum passed these on. She had regifted the following;

  • A stained three piece baby set with an item missing, so a two piece in reality.
  • A baby bouquet where the ‘flowers’ are rolled up socks etc. All bar a few items which were once white had yellowed as it’s obviously been stored since she had her daughter. In fact, I remember her specifically saying how much she hated it when she was given it.
  • A photo frame given to her by our cousin when her daughter was born. This was in perfect condition unlike the above.

All the gifts were thrown in a supermarket bag and smelt musty, as if they’d just been cleared out of the loft or storage and passed on to me instead of being properly sorted.

AIBU to be upset by being given this from my sister? Particularly the stained, missing and yellowed items?

OP posts:
KreedKafer · 13/08/2024 11:43

Dobbysocks · 13/08/2024 10:37

No she hasn’t yet met the new baby. She hasn’t been over to my house since January due to some wildly inappropriate comments made by her child that I did not want my son exposed to or repeating. (Mentioning killing, suicide and hatred towards a religious group. She’s 7.)

Prior to this, I have been a victim of sexual abuse in the form of voyeurism, at the hands of her husband without my knowledge or consent. I was secretly filmed in the shower when I stayed at her home once which means I do not go to her home anymore or talk to her husband. Since this, our relationship has become very different.

I agree she is probably showing her emotions by doing this. I just think it’s unwarranted and a bit horrible for a newborn baby to be the subject of nastiness dressed up as something nice. She also made some disparaging comments about newborn DS’s name.

Yeah, I think maybe the second-hand baby gift here is very much the least of your problems.

I'd be phoning the police about the voyeurism incident. You know that's illegal, right?! It's literally a sex crime and this is a man who lives in a house with children. If your sister is still with this man, I would probably never be speaking to her again to be honest.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 13/08/2024 11:47

BlueMum16 · 13/08/2024 09:42

I'd have left them with mum to return to sister and say thanks but no thanks.

This.

lawyer12 · 13/08/2024 11:53

@Dobbysocks as someone with a sister, I'd not know if I could forgive her for forgiving him, but I would try to understand...

I think it's probably something as simple as her not having time (and being thoughtless/selfish) to get you something OR her husband saying not to spend money on you OR that she's resentful over the daughter thing - or a combination!

We don't speak to my fiancés brother in law (he viciously attacked (broken nose, blood all over the house) my fiancé out the blue and unprovoked at their parents house) and his parents only still tolerate him for the children so while it's not the same, I do get that elephant in the room situation when you can't stand and feel scared of someone you're related to by marriage.... my sister in law likes to try to leave me out (I did nothing!) as "her husband is left out" and I get token gifts for birthdays that I'm sure her parents buy and no acknowledgement of my contributions to her gifts or gifts for her kids, which we spend a lot on for the kids. (Entire premier league football kit for their 5 year old, he loves it so it's fine!) I can really relate, but can't imagine if my own sister were doing it to me. Hopefully time will heal ♥️

IntrepidCat · 13/08/2024 11:56

Dobbysocks · 13/08/2024 10:12

Yes, she specifically messaged me saying she’s left a gift for the baby with my parents.

Edited

Just reply and say that you have left them with your parents as they aren’t suitable for your baby. Then get your parents to return them to her.

Dobbysocks · 13/08/2024 12:04

lawyer12 · 13/08/2024 11:53

@Dobbysocks as someone with a sister, I'd not know if I could forgive her for forgiving him, but I would try to understand...

I think it's probably something as simple as her not having time (and being thoughtless/selfish) to get you something OR her husband saying not to spend money on you OR that she's resentful over the daughter thing - or a combination!

We don't speak to my fiancés brother in law (he viciously attacked (broken nose, blood all over the house) my fiancé out the blue and unprovoked at their parents house) and his parents only still tolerate him for the children so while it's not the same, I do get that elephant in the room situation when you can't stand and feel scared of someone you're related to by marriage.... my sister in law likes to try to leave me out (I did nothing!) as "her husband is left out" and I get token gifts for birthdays that I'm sure her parents buy and no acknowledgement of my contributions to her gifts or gifts for her kids, which we spend a lot on for the kids. (Entire premier league football kit for their 5 year old, he loves it so it's fine!) I can really relate, but can't imagine if my own sister were doing it to me. Hopefully time will heal ♥️

Thank you for this reply. The elephant in the room is exactly how it feels. It’s not an easy situation at all.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/08/2024 12:07

As I said, you can still report it. There’s no time limit on any offences that can be tried in the Crown Court.

The police and CPS might not take it forward if they don’t think there’s enough evidence or that it’s not in the public interest, but at least you’ll have done your bit.

Id be concerned for the 7 yo

PixieLaLar · 13/08/2024 12:10

Sounds like she was offloading some old tat but I agree it doesn’t really seem that important given the update.

lovemycbf · 13/08/2024 12:23

You don't have a relationship with your sister,her actions have surely shown you just how little she thinks of you.
I wouldn't bother with her anymore which I understand makes you sad but please don't put up with being a second class person to her you deserve much more.

whereisthelifethatirecognize · 13/08/2024 12:29

Dobbysocks · 13/08/2024 10:37

No she hasn’t yet met the new baby. She hasn’t been over to my house since January due to some wildly inappropriate comments made by her child that I did not want my son exposed to or repeating. (Mentioning killing, suicide and hatred towards a religious group. She’s 7.)

Prior to this, I have been a victim of sexual abuse in the form of voyeurism, at the hands of her husband without my knowledge or consent. I was secretly filmed in the shower when I stayed at her home once which means I do not go to her home anymore or talk to her husband. Since this, our relationship has become very different.

I agree she is probably showing her emotions by doing this. I just think it’s unwarranted and a bit horrible for a newborn baby to be the subject of nastiness dressed up as something nice. She also made some disparaging comments about newborn DS’s name.

That's one helluva drip feed!

You have bigger issues with her and her husband than the bag of crap.

Is she safe with him?

Nanny0gg · 13/08/2024 12:30

user1492757084 · 13/08/2024 10:01

Wash and use what you can. Otherwise wash and give to charity.
You can refrain from taking exception.
You can just say thanks and leave any mean spiritedness to your sister (who might have just had a rough week)

Why excuses for really mean behaviour?

Can't even call it thoughtless because I bet it wasn't

Nanny0gg · 13/08/2024 12:33

Dobbysocks · 13/08/2024 10:39

She’s often unkind and mean unfortunately, even to my parents. Usually not with things to do with my son but it appears that children are now no longer exempt from the meanness either.

Stay away

No communication

She's made her choice

CornishTiger · 13/08/2024 12:38

Please seek counselling and support regarding her husband. Hopefully this will help you even if you don’t report. However I really hope you find yourself able too. In a few years her child will be having female friends.

Muthaofcats · 13/08/2024 14:21

Dobbysocks · 13/08/2024 11:21

I am not part of the problem. Though I wasn’t physically touched would you say to someone scared of reporting a physical abuse they’re part of a the problem? Probably not. Trauma from sexual abuse, physical or otherwise, is not as straightforward as that.

i also did not shame my niece. I asked my sister to point her in the right direction behaviour wise and gently but firmly told her we don’t speak like that. Had she have made the comments she did at school, her teachers would have had a duty to report it under prevent.

I agree there are much bigger issues at play but please don’t chastise me as being culpable for abuse I have suffered and overreacting to my niece’s comments.

Yes sorry, lazy language on my part. I apologise. You are not responsible for that man’s behaviour. I guess what I was getting at (poorly) was that carrying on trying to have a relationship to the extent you’re focusing on expectations around gifts rather than the real issue, is a bit wonky. I get it though, it’s totally unfair and you didn’t ask for any of it. Forget the gift is what I’m saying. Could your preoccupation with that be a bit of projection for the real feelings of sadness that she’s chosen him over you? If my husband had been filming my sister (or anyone) in the shower I would not still be with him!!!!

Soubriquet · 13/08/2024 14:25

When I had my first born, my sister gave me all of her daughter’s clothes. She was already 2 by then

Sounds sweet? Nope. They reeked of smoke (she’s a smoker. I’ve never smoked) and were so badly stained, in some it was hard to tell what colour it was supposed to be.

They went straight into the bin

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 13/08/2024 14:34

‘teachers would have had a duty to report it under prevent. ‘

She is seven years old .

Dobbysocks · 13/08/2024 14:49

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 13/08/2024 14:34

‘teachers would have had a duty to report it under prevent. ‘

She is seven years old .

The age of the child doesn’t matter, all comments of a particular nature have to be reported. She was discussing killing people of a particular religion/those coming from a particular country and my sister later admitted to having such conversations around her. That is the very reason that prevent is in place for. To PREVENT radicalised young people. Whether you’re 7 or 15 is irrelevant.

OP posts:
Dobbysocks · 13/08/2024 14:50

Muthaofcats · 13/08/2024 14:21

Yes sorry, lazy language on my part. I apologise. You are not responsible for that man’s behaviour. I guess what I was getting at (poorly) was that carrying on trying to have a relationship to the extent you’re focusing on expectations around gifts rather than the real issue, is a bit wonky. I get it though, it’s totally unfair and you didn’t ask for any of it. Forget the gift is what I’m saying. Could your preoccupation with that be a bit of projection for the real feelings of sadness that she’s chosen him over you? If my husband had been filming my sister (or anyone) in the shower I would not still be with him!!!!

Thank you. Yes I would be exactly the same, no way I would stay with someone after that. You’re right in that I absolutely think sadness and frustration is coming up in other ways here. The gift is the tip of an iceberg.

OP posts:
Greenhedge1 · 13/08/2024 15:04

I would be most concerned at your niece having friends to her house.
He is a sex offender.
If I was the mother of your nieces friends I would really like to know exactly the type of scum he is.

This is a perfect example of why some people refuse to have their children go on sleepovers when they are young.
You really never know.
He has committed a crime, make no mistake on that score.

Tulipsareredvioletsarebue · 13/08/2024 16:35

I think she clearly takes out her frustration wit hher husband on you, instead of the diskhead. Even if you knew nothing about being filmed, she chose to forgive him, but still feels angry and humuliated, and since you know of it, it probably plays a big part. And she has to be angry at someone, it's easier if it is you rather than the man she needs/chose to share a house with.
I'd send the gifts back to her, or say "Hey thank you we wont use these" and leave them back at your parents for her to collect.
Not sure what your relationship with her will be like or what you want it to look like going forward, but it's clear you value it more than she does.

LL1991 · 13/08/2024 16:56

OP, I'm afraid I am also sister to a regifting sister! I can't say here what I got for christmas the year before I had my son as it will give me away but if you want to private message me I can give you your laugh for the day!
I'd go low contact with your sister (if no contact is off the cards for you) and refuse all gifts in future. You can send a gift via your mum for the 7 year old if you want but it doesn't sound like you'll be missing anything by going low or no contact. I wouldn't want my kids playing with a cousin who would say racist things around them and you need to stay away from her husband.

I'm afraid your family sounds similar to mine, lots of posturing to pretend they are upper-middle class but everyone seems to have personality disorder, hate each other and all love drama! Too much for me, I'm low contact with all the trouble makers and so much better for it mentally.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 13/08/2024 17:01

Shinyandnew1 · 13/08/2024 10:32

I’d send her a message saying, ‘Thanks, mum has just passed the carrier bag of old stuff from you on. I remember you being given that baby bouquet of socks for x years ago 😂’

Then you’ve said thanks and also told her you know it’s a bag of her old presents.

Oh yes .

Dobbysocks · 13/08/2024 17:05

LL1991 · 13/08/2024 16:56

OP, I'm afraid I am also sister to a regifting sister! I can't say here what I got for christmas the year before I had my son as it will give me away but if you want to private message me I can give you your laugh for the day!
I'd go low contact with your sister (if no contact is off the cards for you) and refuse all gifts in future. You can send a gift via your mum for the 7 year old if you want but it doesn't sound like you'll be missing anything by going low or no contact. I wouldn't want my kids playing with a cousin who would say racist things around them and you need to stay away from her husband.

I'm afraid your family sounds similar to mine, lots of posturing to pretend they are upper-middle class but everyone seems to have personality disorder, hate each other and all love drama! Too much for me, I'm low contact with all the trouble makers and so much better for it mentally.

Yes you’ve summed it up well here really. It’s more a pressure from parents that she’s family/my sister and therefore I have to put up with her and it’s just ‘how she is’ at every turn when she’s unpleasant. If the shoe were on the other foot and I regifted her a bunch of stuff like that I would be told by my parents I was wrong whereas they wouldn’t dare do so with her as they’re effectively a bit scared as she can sometimes be quite volatile.

I’m intrigued by the regift you received now!

OP posts:
suburburban · 13/08/2024 17:16

Yanbu

Why are some well off people so stingy

Yes I know that why they are well off but still

Nosygirl01 · 17/08/2024 11:42

If he was watching you in the shower what are the chances he’s watching his daughter?!
sick fuck!
id send her a msg and call her out on the shit she sent and bin it. Don’t bother with her anymore!

DottyLottieLou · 17/08/2024 11:45

Itvis admirable that you want to keep your sister in your life but she does not deserve it. If this was me I would not want anything to do with her or her family. And yes it would be taken extremely seriously at school if their daughter said things like that, whatever her age. There is no excuse for a 7 year old spouting that sh*t. And it certainly isn't normal as someone said.

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