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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sister Regifting

111 replies

Dobbysocks · 13/08/2024 09:36

My sister and I used to be very close but owing to some challenges our relationship isn’t what it once was. I have two boys, one four and one newborn and she has a seven year old girl. Generally, gifts on special occasions for the kids are thoughtful and useful.

My sister left some presents at my parents for me and my mum passed these on. She had regifted the following;

  • A stained three piece baby set with an item missing, so a two piece in reality.
  • A baby bouquet where the ‘flowers’ are rolled up socks etc. All bar a few items which were once white had yellowed as it’s obviously been stored since she had her daughter. In fact, I remember her specifically saying how much she hated it when she was given it.
  • A photo frame given to her by our cousin when her daughter was born. This was in perfect condition unlike the above.

All the gifts were thrown in a supermarket bag and smelt musty, as if they’d just been cleared out of the loft or storage and passed on to me instead of being properly sorted.

AIBU to be upset by being given this from my sister? Particularly the stained, missing and yellowed items?

OP posts:
HowIrresponsible · 13/08/2024 10:46

In that case I wouldn't have even accepted them in the first place. I'd have left them with your mum.

Iwasafool · 13/08/2024 10:48

HowIrresponsible · 13/08/2024 10:02

I'd give them back via your mum and tell her you don't want her old cast offs.

I mean you couldn't be so blunt with a friend but with family you absolutely can.

Just do it.

Why drag her mother into it? If OP wants to return it then do that but don't make her mother piggy in the middle.

ChiefEverythingOfficer · 13/08/2024 10:49

Dobbysocks · 13/08/2024 10:12

Yes, she specifically messaged me saying she’s left a gift for the baby with my parents.

Edited

I would be messaging back to ask if she is having a laugh. Tell her you are not a recycling point for second hand items in poor condition, which presumably aren't even for the clothing bank.

What do you have to lose? She clearly doesn't give a fuck about you.

TemuSpecialBuy · 13/08/2024 10:50

WhereDoWeGoFromHereBill · 13/08/2024 10:45

Did you open them in front of your mum? What was her reaction?

The message is VERY clear - that is all you and your baby are worth 😡

I don’t think that’s the message

I think it’s not even about them in a lot of ways…

the sister is unhappy anyway and going through a lot of other stuff (a lot is her choice) and is displacing her anger / resentment / jealousy / whatever and directing at her sister who frankly has nice calm life her sister is probably mega jealous of.

Peoniesinbloom · 13/08/2024 10:52

even without the back story (sorry this happened to you OP) I would be offended and not accept this bag of trash.

My sis will often pass bags of hand me downs she has not had time to sort, she would say I'm sorry I didn't have time to sort through so apologies if there is anything to old/worn/stained, throw away and give to charity what is unsuitable for you.
thats normal

She would also always make my new baby arriving a special event and would gift something (lets be honest getting cute baby gift is not a big expense even a bib set would do, its about the gesture )
thats normal
what your sis did is a snub

BrownBirdWelcomesWhiteWave · 13/08/2024 10:52

Dobbysocks · 13/08/2024 10:12

Yes, she specifically messaged me saying she’s left a gift for the baby with my parents.

Edited

I'd message back and say "got the second hand stuff you left, but mum said you didnt leave a present, just those bits?"

icouldholditwithacobweb · 13/08/2024 10:52

Dobbysocks · 13/08/2024 10:12

Yes, she specifically messaged me saying she’s left a gift for the baby with my parents.

Edited

Claim you didn't see any gifts, all you saw was a carrier bag with some musty old stained items you remember her saying she hated when she was gifted them. No sign of any gifts for your new baby. Maybe she left them in her car?

Dontjudgeme101 · 13/08/2024 10:53

I am so sorry op. You don’t deserve that. That is really mean. 💐💐💐

Greenhedge1 · 13/08/2024 10:54

What a pity you didn't report her husband.
Keep them all away from your family, they sound toxic.

Forget about the rubbish gifts, they are the least of your problems with your sister and her family.

Avatartar · 13/08/2024 11:00

Think I’d tell her to stuff the socks in the holes her husband has made in the walls to letch through.
on a serious note is she being controlled or coerced in any way by him and needing support (understndably not from you).
keep your distance but make it known you know the items are recycling.

tuttuttutt · 13/08/2024 11:03

Next time she leaves her smelly junk with your mum just don't accept it. What an insult.

Dobbysocks · 13/08/2024 11:07

Greenhedge1 · 13/08/2024 10:54

What a pity you didn't report her husband.
Keep them all away from your family, they sound toxic.

Forget about the rubbish gifts, they are the least of your problems with your sister and her family.

Yes I really regret not doing so at the time. I was a lot younger and was worried about not being believed and having to have a video (which my sister found on a hard drive along with the camera which was masquerading as a tiny button but I have never seen) played in a court. In hindsight, I should’ve reported and had it dealt with but easier said than done with the emotional trauma of it all.

Unfortunately, when she chose to go back to him it sent a clear signal to me and our relationship hasn’t been the same since. I’m a lot less willing to just do what she wants now and that’s met with disdain constantly.

I still have her in my life as I didn’t want to lose my sister but the relationship seems to be getting more strained as time goes on.

OP posts:
EatCrow · 13/08/2024 11:11

TemuSpecialBuy · 13/08/2024 10:43

Jesus that is some backstory…!!!

no one wants to be the villain in own their own story….she must be dealing with an unreal amount of cognitive dissonance at her behaviour and her families.

she has an child with What sounds like significant behavioural issues and a filthy pervert of a husband she’s standing by…

you are an inconvenient reminder of both.
her behaviour is 💯 about her not you…

I’d give the “gifts” back to your mother with a thanks but no thanks and recommend a couple of charities who are taking donations

what does your DM have to say about her Sexpervert SonIL and denier/enabler DD???

Edited

I agree, I can’t imagine why you would expect anything good from this relationship OP. You’re doing yourself a disservice having contact with her at all.

Muthaofcats · 13/08/2024 11:11

This reply has been deleted

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Greenhedge1 · 13/08/2024 11:19

OP, you were young and overwhelmed, very understandable.

You can still report him to the police if you wish for intelligence purposes.

Scum like him rarely do this only once.

He is a sex offender.

When you inform the police they keep information like that on file.

Well done for staying away from their home.

Unfortunately your sister has chosen to stay with a sex offender.

Best for you to step away.

Don't rush into anything but know that you can still report him.

Dobbysocks · 13/08/2024 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I am not part of the problem. Though I wasn’t physically touched would you say to someone scared of reporting a physical abuse they’re part of a the problem? Probably not. Trauma from sexual abuse, physical or otherwise, is not as straightforward as that.

i also did not shame my niece. I asked my sister to point her in the right direction behaviour wise and gently but firmly told her we don’t speak like that. Had she have made the comments she did at school, her teachers would have had a duty to report it under prevent.

I agree there are much bigger issues at play but please don’t chastise me as being culpable for abuse I have suffered and overreacting to my niece’s comments.

OP posts:
lawyer12 · 13/08/2024 11:21

I would be put off and upset too, but here are my guesses on the inner workings behind her behaviour.

Either

  1. She has taken personal offence and/or blamed you for (1) being offended at her daughter's views/language - how sensitive of you and (2) her husband filming you (gross) she's either said that he didn't and you're lying, or you caused it to happen, or she acknowledges and forgives him. (curious of her response to his behaviour!) It's far easier to blame you than blame her own family members she lives with. She's therefore being petty and retaliating - if she's that bothered why continue talking?

  2. Alternatively, if you (quite rightly!) ignore her husband and have taken offence at things her young daughter has said, she may be TOLD by him that she's not to spend money on gifts for your kids. Not that you or your children deserve it, but there is a chance that "well she doesn't like us so why should we spend our money on her". This is really likely to be the case if he denies ever filming you and he's playing the "she just doesn't like any of us and makes things up about me and our racist child"....

Everything still seems pretty fresh and I'd guess one of the above is why. I'd accept this is who she is and siblings aren't there for gifts, reciprocate accordingly in future (always "do you" if you'd still get her daughter nice presents) and move on. Congrats on baby boy 2!

Ellie1015 · 13/08/2024 11:23

Sounds like sister has a nightmare husband and a child who is in need of help given the language she used. Maybe she is juat stressed and didn't have time to sort a gift. It is thoughtless but i would give benefit of the doubt for my own peace as much as anything else.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/08/2024 11:23

Shinyandnew1 · 13/08/2024 10:32

I’d send her a message saying, ‘Thanks, mum has just passed the carrier bag of old stuff from you on. I remember you being given that baby bouquet of socks for x years ago 😂’

Then you’ve said thanks and also told her you know it’s a bag of her old presents.

I’d add - “I don’t have any use for these things so have asked her to pass them back to you. Hope you can find a home for them”

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/08/2024 11:24

Oh just seen there’s a massive drip feed update!

bakebeans · 13/08/2024 11:27

Regifting is good when the items are in decent condition. A bit cheeky to give stuff for for the tip!

CocoapuffPuff · 13/08/2024 11:29

Gift it all back to her when it's her kid's next birthday. Same bag, same everything.

Let her explain it to her daughter.

DaniMontyRae · 13/08/2024 11:30

@Muthaofcats no, the OP is not part of the problem. The victim of a sex crime is never part of the problem. The problem is the perpetrator and those who support him. Stop victim blaming.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/08/2024 11:33

You could still report her husband now btw

Dobbysocks · 13/08/2024 11:42

lawyer12 · 13/08/2024 11:21

I would be put off and upset too, but here are my guesses on the inner workings behind her behaviour.

Either

  1. She has taken personal offence and/or blamed you for (1) being offended at her daughter's views/language - how sensitive of you and (2) her husband filming you (gross) she's either said that he didn't and you're lying, or you caused it to happen, or she acknowledges and forgives him. (curious of her response to his behaviour!) It's far easier to blame you than blame her own family members she lives with. She's therefore being petty and retaliating - if she's that bothered why continue talking?

  2. Alternatively, if you (quite rightly!) ignore her husband and have taken offence at things her young daughter has said, she may be TOLD by him that she's not to spend money on gifts for your kids. Not that you or your children deserve it, but there is a chance that "well she doesn't like us so why should we spend our money on her". This is really likely to be the case if he denies ever filming you and he's playing the "she just doesn't like any of us and makes things up about me and our racist child"....

Everything still seems pretty fresh and I'd guess one of the above is why. I'd accept this is who she is and siblings aren't there for gifts, reciprocate accordingly in future (always "do you" if you'd still get her daughter nice presents) and move on. Congrats on baby boy 2!

He admitted it. He was very unemotional when she confronted him, said well you’ve obviously seen it so no point in denying it. They separated briefly but he then returned to the house and weasled his way back in. I chose to maintain a relationship with my sister but made it clear I felt she was making a huge mistake and it basically gives him a green light to have done what he did. She forgave him.

OP posts: