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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL likes to be almost part of our relationship or in the family

112 replies

MumDaisy1980 · 13/08/2024 09:10

Although I am a new mum for a 4 month old, it's still hard for me to understand the happiness of MIL about our baby's arrival.

We visited MIL & family last weekend and as expected she has this tremendous happiness shown in her face. I learnt to let go a little bit more, to be chilled and let DH and MIL & many in laws to play with the baby. I told myself it's the opportunity for the baby to know his wider family. But something I don't understand is MIL almost like to be in my position erm... or when DH talking to me say after he fed the baby I could hold the baby so DH can resume his lunch, but MIL was not really looking but in the same space quickly say sure one minute let me finish my bite. And I was like sure MIL feel free to give baby a cuddle. But I feel a bit erm....speechless would be my word.

Then also it's my DH bday soon, MIL then said oh last week I went shopping and saw a beautiful card for Dad from Son, she almost want to get it. I found it odd too.

On the other hand, she also has a tendency pouring the nightmares of raising a child , for example when I was pregnant after the congratulations , time to time she would say - I look so much forward for the new grandchild, I don't have to do all the hard work and can have the enjoyment . At that time and still I don't understand why she has to make the statement.

Or after checking how the baby is doing weight, sleep pattern etc, the baby so far so good, no major issue. then she would throw something like wait till the baby is teething and the crying cycle will start all over again.

Or last time DH was changing nappy - which is quite an achievement for new parent, then MIL kept distracting the baby and again said sth to DH said wait till baby grown older and move around - not easy to change nappy anymore.

Though they might be true, but I don't understand what's the point on saying them. and if any other MIL can share the thoughts would be great.

Besides, our baby is the 10th grandchild in the fam - I somehow found our baby got especially too much attention and I don't understand why. Perhaps because we are the only couple not living 5 mins down the road, so see each other less often.

I would like to add that overall I have good relationship with MIL, I can tell all her intention meant good. it's only when I am a bit moody then these small matters bug me a lot.

I wonder if anyone share similar experience? how you calm yourself!?

OP posts:
Snacksgalore · 13/08/2024 09:17

I think you’re seeing problems that aren’t there.

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 13/08/2024 09:20

She doesnt really seem to be saying anything bad and actually true ha ha. It is normal to be a little protective and these wind you up. At least you didnt get told off for not tucking t-shirt in because they could catch a "kidney cold"....now that was annoying 😂😂

curiouscat1987 · 13/08/2024 09:20

This all sounds totally normal to me - she is excited and wants to be part of the experience with you. Its hard not to feel a bit possessive sometimes but i think you need to (continue?)to chill and remind yourself how lovely it is for your baby to have a grandparent who loves them.and wants to be involved 😊

AuntieEstablishment · 13/08/2024 09:23

I don't think she sounds at all bad. But I do think that it can be difficult for a new mother, because you're so protective of your baby and you're very much into your new status as a mum, which is as it should be. But try to recognize that sometimes we're not always reasonable when our babies are little. Some of us see problems that aren't there, and can get overprotective and oversensitive (esp. with mothers in law, I think.) I still often feel annoyed with my parents in law for completely silly reasons, but I have to check myself a lot and recognize that it's me that being unreasonable, not them.
My life has been a lot easier since I've acknowledged to myself that it's me, not them! And that they love DC and that can never be a bad thing.

Snoopsnoggysnog · 13/08/2024 09:24

Literally cannot see the problem here. You’re annoyed because your MIL looks happy??? Seriously?

Northernparent68 · 13/08/2024 09:25

Sorry, but this is really hard to read

Sorenlorrenson · 13/08/2024 09:27

I don't understand the title....she is " in the family" of course she's part of the family !

Worriedmummy2400 · 13/08/2024 09:29

Huh? I see nothing that is strange here. To be honest a Mil that loves the baby but isn’t playing favourites etc is a god send. I can’t see what the problem is. She’s being a granny.

I8toys · 13/08/2024 09:30

Someone else loves and adores your baby. Can't see the problem tbh. Unclench and enjoy this time. Life is short and time goes so fast. My MIL is now in a nursing home with dementia and I miss the woman she was.

Positivenancy · 13/08/2024 09:30

So…she is a part of your family and she is interested in her grandchild. Not a problem @MumDaisy1980

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/08/2024 09:31

Snacksgalore · 13/08/2024 09:17

I think you’re seeing problems that aren’t there.

I agree. Stop analyzing her.

PashaMinaMio · 13/08/2024 09:31

Give MIL some rope.

Based on what you’ve written, at this time, you’re making a mountain out of a mole hill.
Relaaaax. Go with the flow.

Until such time that it becomes too interfering, then you must get your DH to have a word.

WhiteLily1 · 13/08/2024 09:31

Sorenlorrenson · 13/08/2024 09:27

I don't understand the title....she is " in the family" of course she's part of the family !

I think the OP means in the family as in acting like a mother to her baby / wife to her DH rather than the MIL

Cuppateatea · 13/08/2024 09:34

Ah your poor MIL, this post made me sad 😢 for her and you.
She sounds like a lovely doting Nanny and she obviously adores your DH too. She is your family and you, DH and baby are her family.
I’m sad you feel this anxiety when you really don’t need to.

ClemmyTine · 13/08/2024 09:35

You will understand it all if you are lucky enough to become a grandmother.

Cuppateatea · 13/08/2024 09:35

AuntieEstablishment · 13/08/2024 09:23

I don't think she sounds at all bad. But I do think that it can be difficult for a new mother, because you're so protective of your baby and you're very much into your new status as a mum, which is as it should be. But try to recognize that sometimes we're not always reasonable when our babies are little. Some of us see problems that aren't there, and can get overprotective and oversensitive (esp. with mothers in law, I think.) I still often feel annoyed with my parents in law for completely silly reasons, but I have to check myself a lot and recognize that it's me that being unreasonable, not them.
My life has been a lot easier since I've acknowledged to myself that it's me, not them! And that they love DC and that can never be a bad thing.

Please read this OP. Absolutely this.

ActualChips · 13/08/2024 09:35

Northernparent68 · 13/08/2024 09:25

Sorry, but this is really hard to read

Yep. I can't understand what the issue is and I read bits three times.

pinkducky · 13/08/2024 09:35

She's just excited to have a new grandchild I don't see what the problem is with that!

In terms of the "just you wait until.....(insert negative thing here)" stuff, I think it's something people do to bond. She has been there and done it all so she's letting you know what to expect in her experience. Plenty of people find this irritating though. I just always respond with "we'll see!". Seems a good balance of acknowledging while dismissing.

WhiteLily1 · 13/08/2024 09:38

Im not sure why others are being so salty in their replies- maybe because your OP is very hard to read.

I know what you are getting at OP - you feel annoyed / encroached upon as a new mum. You view your MIL as trying to take your role and as her trying to be mum to your baby, not grandma.

Its a very common problem on MN and real life.
it’s a mixture between you being very protective as a new mum and MIL trying to assert her role with a new grandchild. It’s a very complicated relationship and often there are feelings jealousy / possessiveness / over stepping / feeling left out or not included enough from both sides.

The comments you mention about ‘oh wait until the baby does xxx or wait until they are xx age or at xx stage. Is so common too. Im not sure why people say this- can only think they had a hard time and don’t like to see someone finding things easy? Or maybe like to assert the fact they know more about child rearing than you and should be listened to more / have more input with the baby?

It takes time and patience / communication from both sides to make things better but it can be a tricky relationship for first time mums with their MIL

PinkyFlamingo · 13/08/2024 09:40

Are you well OP? None of what you have written seems an issue at all. It's very common for Grandparents to say one of the joys of having grandchildren is to get able to do all the fun stuff and then hand them back.

beenpole · 13/08/2024 09:43

I felt the same way with MIL, and looking back it was genuinely the hormones and that it was my first baby. frankly I didn't like anyone cuddling him, I had my nails digging in to my palms! I knew you were supposed to let people cuddle them but I could barely bear having it happen. Fast forward to second baby, I was much more relaxed. As others have said MIL sounds totally normal and it's nice that she cares! A lot are not that bothered. However I do understand why you feel like this.

Amberjane41 · 13/08/2024 09:44

God forbid the poor woman actually does or says something wrong! It’s posts like this that make me thank my lucky stars that I have a good and decent daughter in law

Sarvanga24 · 13/08/2024 09:49

Taken on its own, it's hard to see any real issue with what your MIL is doing here. She sounds like a doting lovely granny from your description.

Taken in conjunction with your posting history (your posting style is very distinctive), then it sounds as if you are either struggling mentally or you are being very unreasonable.

If the former, then I hope you are getting treatment and counselling, because otherwise you are going to find yourself in an increasingly lonely place.

CwmYoy · 13/08/2024 09:53

You are the problem not her. She loves the baby and her behaviour is totally normal for a loving grandmother.

BananagramBadger · 13/08/2024 09:59

I’m starting to see the overprotectiveness of new mum vs MIL as a similar phase to teenagers pushing parents away. It’s a reflex that’s totally normal but also a bit much. You need independence to make your own parenting choices, but you also need to understand that your reactions aren’t always as reasonable as you think. Sometimes people telling you it was hard for them is their way of connecting. It will be different sorts of hard for you.

I'm currently dealing with a teen and the random argumentativeness is objectively really interesting, But also really hard not to react to! I’m sure one day being a MIL will be similar.

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