MIL likes to be almost part of our relationship or in the family

[MumDaisy1980]

Although I am a new mum for a 4 month old, it's still hard for me to understand the happiness of MIL about our baby's arrival.

We visited MIL & family last weekend and as expected she has this tremendous happiness shown in her face. I learnt to let go a little bit more, to be chilled and let DH and MIL & many in laws to play with the baby. I told myself it's the opportunity for the baby to know his wider family. But something I don't understand is MIL almost like to be in my position erm... or when DH talking to me say after he fed the baby I could hold the baby so DH can resume his lunch, but MIL was not really looking but in the same space quickly say sure one minute let me finish my bite. And I was like sure MIL feel free to give baby a cuddle. But I feel a bit erm....speechless would be my word.

Then also it's my DH bday soon, MIL then said oh last week I went shopping and saw a beautiful card for Dad from Son, she almost want to get it. I found it odd too.

On the other hand, she also has a tendency pouring the nightmares of raising a child , for example when I was pregnant after the congratulations , time to time she would say - I look so much forward for the new grandchild, I don't have to do all the hard work and can have the enjoyment . At that time and still I don't understand why she has to make the statement.

Or after checking how the baby is doing weight, sleep pattern etc, the baby so far so good, no major issue. then she would throw something like wait till the baby is teething and the crying cycle will start all over again.

Or last time DH was changing nappy - which is quite an achievement for new parent, then MIL kept distracting the baby and again said sth to DH said wait till baby grown older and move around - not easy to change nappy anymore.

Though they might be true, but I don't understand what's the point on saying them. and if any other MIL can share the thoughts would be great.

Besides, our baby is the 10th grandchild in the fam - I somehow found our baby got especially too much attention and I don't understand why. Perhaps because we are the only couple not living 5 mins down the road, so see each other less often.

I would like to add that overall I have good relationship with MIL, I can tell all her intention meant good. it's only when I am a bit moody then these small matters bug me a lot.

I wonder if anyone share similar experience? how you calm yourself!?

Probably the most sensible replies I've ever seen on a MIL thread

@MumDaisy1980 the examples you've given all sound completely normal to me. Yes, it's irritating when people say things like 'just wait until baby is running around', but these are entirely normal things for people to say. They don't mean anything nasty by it.

Don't expect much support on Mumsnet about this - it’s full of interfering grandmothers who feel they have a claim to their grandchildren or that they have a right to be involved in any way they want.

I feel your pain though. It’s like they get a kick out of reminding you that you’ve got hard times to come. The glee on their faces when they say “just you wait until he’s walking/ teething/ terrible twos” like they can’t wait to see you suffer. It makes me want to say oh just fuck off will you? But we don’t do that do we, we smile sweetly and we take it in our stride and don’t give them the satisfaction.

You sound nuts. None of these things are a problem. I was a bit nuts postpartum and everything everyone did p’d me off haha

She sounds lovely ! Is there any chance you have some postpartum anxiety/depression? It might be why you feel very protective over the baby.

I remember receiving those sorts of comments from my MiL, and the feeling I had at the time was that she wasn't noticing the good bits from that present moment. I find that quite sad.
She wouldn't say things like, baby's sleeping really well. She would say things like, make the most of baby sleeping because in a few months you'll be running after them. I just would think 'whatever' and know that at each stage, I could cope with whatever would happen anyway.

Sounds quite normal, Op.
A new baby will remind people of their baby experiences and a new baby in the family will look and smell a bit like their own babies. There is a real bond between grandparents and grandchildren; they love each other and feel familiar.

She sounds lovely, and very normal. I think every grandparent remarks that they can't wait for the joy of the baby without the hard work! And the "just you wait" thing can be a bit annoying, but everyone does it. All very normal.

It sounds like you're trying to trip her up. Maybe she says daft things because she is nervous around you and doesn't know what to say. Just try to chill out a bit and enjoy life. Why is a Dad changing his 4 month old baby an achievement? I don't get that, he should be doing it multiple times a day so used to it by now.

You need to talk to other parents. Other mums say things like that too. Read some of the parenting threads here of parents asking for advice on teething, sleeping, whatever else your MIL said.

She's done nothing from your post to be complaining about. Except be happy to have a grandchild. How ridiculous of her to care about the 10th grandchild when everyone knows MILs only have time for the first 9.

I've heard my DM says practically all these things to my sister, she's excited and it brings back memories of when she was a new Mum. I've heard plenty of other grandmothers say similar things too, it's always because they're excited.

She sounds really lovely.

Now try to imagine how you will feel when your child has children and a family of their own. Will you want to be involved? Surely not ... you will be a total hands off granny, won't offer any advice or love towards this new family as they are nothing to do with you ...

The only issue I would have is the birthday card, but everything is quite normal I would say. And as you don’t live near you don’t have to see her that much but she will probably be more excited as she doesn’t see her grandchild very much. It is hard being a new mum and not trying to be overprotective. I look back and cringe at some of the things I said and got annoyed about when DC was a little baby.

She's a grandma. She's had children and grandchildren. She has skills and knowledge she wants to share with you. She loves your baby. All good, I'd say. Enjoy her while you can. You'll miss her when she's gone.

I couldn’t understand any of it…

She did not even buy the birthday card - only said she had seen it and wanted to buy it because it was nice.

My MIL and my mum would also will delay their food or stop mid meal to hold both of my babies if they needed it. Babies are 2 and 5 now and tbh they probably would still do it if needed.

They remember. In my case they're not trying to be interfering, they're doing their best to be helpful. Perhaps your MIL is doing the same?

My MIL once told me she gets to eat every meal hot and with company now her babies are grown up, if she can give me and DH a hot meal together why wouldn't she?

Sounds like she was trying to be helpful and hold the baby so you could both eat!

The ‘just you wait till’ comments are pretty universal when you’re a new parent as well.

I feel a bit sorry for your MIL who just sounds excited to be a grandma to your baby. If it’s her 10th grandchild-that’s fab she’s still so keen!

What does your husband say to your worries?

All the “negative” nonsense comments are just normal baby chit chat recognising that babies are hard work. I’ve heard pretty much the same comments about babies being made by friends and family since I was pretty much a baby!

As much as baby cuddles are wonderful, trying to eat lunch while juggling a baby is a pain. I would imagine in that instance, your MIL was jumping in to take the baby so both of you could have a break from parenting and eat your lunch in peace for once. Certainly, that is the norm in my family,

I think it all depends on the tone with which it's delivered.

Sometimes it feels like a bit of gleeful 'i suffered hard times raising babies and children and now you have that coming and I want to burst your bubble, he he haw haw your so naive!'

Sometimes it feels like 'I've been a mother, I know what it's like, solidarity in advance for the hard bits, I've been there!' (and perhaps they didn't feel the work of motherhood was particularly valued when they did it, so trying to get some recognition for themselves that they didn't get back then and showing you they will 'see you' and recognise its hard when you are doing the hard bits)

Or even just a kind of reminiscence of early motherhood days as a way of bonding and identifying, but it coming out wrong.

Really? It's pretty clear to me.

Count your blessings @MumDaisy1980. Some of the Mil’s I’ve read about on here make your blood run cold, yours sounds very reasonable.

The card would annoy me, that's definitely overstepping.
The other stuff, depends maybe if I was feeling particularly sleep-deprived and /or I'd detected a tone of speech I didn't like from MIL.

Op I suspect English is not your first language, so wonder whether something is getting lost in interpretation/context or there are cultural differences. Nothing you’ve said about your mother in law sounds remotely unusual

Far too difficult to read for me sorry…