MIL likes to be almost part of our relationship or in the family

[MumDaisy1980]

Although I am a new mum for a 4 month old, it's still hard for me to understand the happiness of MIL about our baby's arrival.

We visited MIL & family last weekend and as expected she has this tremendous happiness shown in her face. I learnt to let go a little bit more, to be chilled and let DH and MIL & many in laws to play with the baby. I told myself it's the opportunity for the baby to know his wider family. But something I don't understand is MIL almost like to be in my position erm... or when DH talking to me say after he fed the baby I could hold the baby so DH can resume his lunch, but MIL was not really looking but in the same space quickly say sure one minute let me finish my bite. And I was like sure MIL feel free to give baby a cuddle. But I feel a bit erm....speechless would be my word.

Then also it's my DH bday soon, MIL then said oh last week I went shopping and saw a beautiful card for Dad from Son, she almost want to get it. I found it odd too.

On the other hand, she also has a tendency pouring the nightmares of raising a child , for example when I was pregnant after the congratulations , time to time she would say - I look so much forward for the new grandchild, I don't have to do all the hard work and can have the enjoyment . At that time and still I don't understand why she has to make the statement.

Or after checking how the baby is doing weight, sleep pattern etc, the baby so far so good, no major issue. then she would throw something like wait till the baby is teething and the crying cycle will start all over again.

Or last time DH was changing nappy - which is quite an achievement for new parent, then MIL kept distracting the baby and again said sth to DH said wait till baby grown older and move around - not easy to change nappy anymore.

Though they might be true, but I don't understand what's the point on saying them. and if any other MIL can share the thoughts would be great.

Besides, our baby is the 10th grandchild in the fam - I somehow found our baby got especially too much attention and I don't understand why. Perhaps because we are the only couple not living 5 mins down the road, so see each other less often.

I would like to add that overall I have good relationship with MIL, I can tell all her intention meant good. it's only when I am a bit moody then these small matters bug me a lot.

I wonder if anyone share similar experience? how you calm yourself!?

Reading the many other threads that you have posted you seem to be very anxious and as a result are perhaps picking up on problems that are not really there. Your writing style suggests that English is not your first language and that this is not helping. Perhaps talk to your Doctor or HV?

Grandparents can't do right, can they? If she ignored you, or didn't really engage then you would probably complain. It doesn't matter if your baby is the 1st or 10th, she is still delighted and that's really lovely. Perhaps I'm mad, but I think it's just great that a baby has another person to love them.

Besides, our baby is the 10th grandchild in the fam - I somehow found our baby got especially too much attention and I don't understand why.

Any chance your dh is your mil's youngest child and/or the only boy?
My mil adores my kids over her other grandchildren because they're her baby boy's kids. They are also the youngest grandchildren.

So she’s a completely normal grandma.

The main odd thing is that you think the babies dad changing the nappy is an achievement.

MumDaisy1980 I hope you can relax into motherhood and enjoy your baby and be thankful that you have a nice normal mother in law. There are some interfering battle axes of mothers in law out there and they are often spoken about on Mumsnet. You’re lucky yours isn’t one of them. I could write a book about the one I had 😆

You might one day come to be glad of her support and friendship. Don’t spoil it now at this early stage.

I would say that everything you have written is fairly usual behaviour for an involved parent / grandparent . Stop looking for issues that are not there .

I can see that her jumping in to respond to a question that DH asked you, as though he'd been talking to her, would be annoying. That would grind my gears too. But everything else on your list of complaints just seems like getting het up over issues that don't exist. One of your problems is that she is too happy about her grandchild?

I think that the fact you had to give yourself a pep talk in order to prepare for the fact that MIL and wider family would want to play with the baby is not a healthy reaction.

There's no real way to say this without sounding patronising but do you think it might be worth speaking to your GP? I had all kinds of irrational fears and overprotective behaviours when my first child was born which I thought were normal at the time. Looking back now I just had absolutely raging, untreated PND.

I think it takes a while to adjust to the fact that your child isn’t just your child and is also MIL’s grandchild. I know she’s irritating you but she hasn’t really done anything wrong…

Thanks everyone! I do understand it's indeed pretty trivial matters as noted in my post. Probably as some of you mentioned it's the hormones, new mum being overprotective kicked in. In some way pleased to hear I'm not alone, but when in the situation - I had felt I was alone, and whole world was constantly saying you should do this , you should do that and yes not felt single recognition of the achievements I accomplished so far.. the baby is grown healthily. Yes, for the 'just wait till...' comments I really took it as 'wait you suffer' kind of tone. Also, I could see MIL did try not overstepping but in many occasions I felt like she is nosy to the extent I don't understand why she would need the information. Like when gave birth, she wanted to know all the information of the labour - what position I was in ... what DH doing in the labour room and EVERYTHING! eventually, yes I did breakdown to DH several times during my pregnancy and motherhood about his family being too much. So DH did hinted to them saying if we not asked for advice or request anything, that's mean we are all good. Besides, I have a baby to busy on and really no time to reply all their messages/invites anymore. As much as I recognise we are now a family but I guess there is a difference on the closeness among family members.

Thanks everyone again for your comments and I feel better now. 🙂

Don't understand the problem at all, would you rather she didn't care and wasn't interested ? All sounds perfectly normal to me

honestly she just sounds excited and like she's trying to make a connection with you about it all. You seem to be making issues out of non-existent things, of course we don't know if there is any other background pre to this but from just reading this it seems you're the issue.

You are being ridiculous get over yourself

Eh? I can't speak for anyone else, but I'm nowhere close to being a grandmother! The OP's MIL has done nothing wrong.

Totally normal.
MIL is not the weird one here.
Take a hard look at yourself OP!!

This is Honeslty just how people are around a new baby. It’s weird I agree but it is how it is. Let them be, it’s nice they are excited and wanting to be involved

This. If she was indifferent to your baby you probably wouldn't like that either!!

There are many threads on here about the "just wait....." comments! They are incredibly frustrating but I'd be very surprised if you've only heard them comments from your MIL and nobody else!

Unless there's underlying issues or a background of some sort, YABU. Try to keep telling yourself about the positives of the relationship your MIL has with her grandchildren or you will start resenting her for no valid reason.

This is so weird. Your MIL IS family. That's a fact

That's what I was thinking. I can imagine holding my child's baby and feeling all the feelings come flooding back to holding my own...and all the love of knowing this child is from you and part of your family. It's all good OP. She sounds amazing to me!

It’s quite hard to understand from how you gave written this, I had to re read a few times but I am tired 😂
from what I can interpret I think yabu she sounds fine and I think it’s nice she’s interested especially as you say the tenth gc
my parents would be less bothered after much less gc 😂

so it seems nice she is getting involved and I think her comments are just from excitement and just trying to help you see what stages you will get to experience and be prepared but I don’t think it’s in a bad way
just don’t overthink it and enjoy your new baby and having family that are there for you

It’s reads perfectly clearly

I’m the grandmother in this situation. My daughter has a five month old, and oh my god, everyone told me that being a grandparent is amazing, but I wasn’t expecting it.

Those things she’s said about teething, and nappy changes are just facts, although there’s no need to state them. I made my daughter a birthday card from her baby son. I knew her partner wouldn’t, and I like making cards. I know my daughter didn’t think I was treading on anyone’s toes, but I wonder about her boyfriend now. I don’t really care! He didn’t think to get one, I don’t think cards have featured heavily in his life, but now he’s seen it, he’ll know for next year, hopefully

@time2changeCharlieBrown I agree, I had to re read some parts too 🙈

My god you've written down and criticised every single comment she's ever made! You are hyper critical! Why???? You say you can’t understand why she is happy about the baby?!?!

ALL grandparents say that the best part of having a grandchild is being able to enjoy them and then give them back! That's a perfectly normal thing to say. Because it's true!

Give the poor woman a break and let her be a grandmother for f sake

She couldn't be more normal. And it's absolutely fantastic that she's just as excited and loving about grandchild #10!

You know that instinctive love you feel as a new mother? The way you look at your baby with awe and love? The way I felt when I saw each of my granddaughters for the first time, was as close to that as it gets. That instinctive feeling. A new member of the family. The next generation. Your child's child. I'm pretty certain that I was grinning line a fool.

And that's the love I still feel, and what helps to bond us as an extended family who look out for each other and help each other.

You should be so happy that your baby has such a warm and loving grandma.

Or maybe she's just one of those loving grandmas (like my MIL) who adore all her grandchildren, doesn't have favourites and was equally excited at all their arrivals. .