MIL likes to be almost part of our relationship or in the family

[MumDaisy1980]

Although I am a new mum for a 4 month old, it's still hard for me to understand the happiness of MIL about our baby's arrival.

We visited MIL & family last weekend and as expected she has this tremendous happiness shown in her face. I learnt to let go a little bit more, to be chilled and let DH and MIL & many in laws to play with the baby. I told myself it's the opportunity for the baby to know his wider family. But something I don't understand is MIL almost like to be in my position erm... or when DH talking to me say after he fed the baby I could hold the baby so DH can resume his lunch, but MIL was not really looking but in the same space quickly say sure one minute let me finish my bite. And I was like sure MIL feel free to give baby a cuddle. But I feel a bit erm....speechless would be my word.

Then also it's my DH bday soon, MIL then said oh last week I went shopping and saw a beautiful card for Dad from Son, she almost want to get it. I found it odd too.

On the other hand, she also has a tendency pouring the nightmares of raising a child , for example when I was pregnant after the congratulations , time to time she would say - I look so much forward for the new grandchild, I don't have to do all the hard work and can have the enjoyment . At that time and still I don't understand why she has to make the statement.

Or after checking how the baby is doing weight, sleep pattern etc, the baby so far so good, no major issue. then she would throw something like wait till the baby is teething and the crying cycle will start all over again.

Or last time DH was changing nappy - which is quite an achievement for new parent, then MIL kept distracting the baby and again said sth to DH said wait till baby grown older and move around - not easy to change nappy anymore.

Though they might be true, but I don't understand what's the point on saying them. and if any other MIL can share the thoughts would be great.

Besides, our baby is the 10th grandchild in the fam - I somehow found our baby got especially too much attention and I don't understand why. Perhaps because we are the only couple not living 5 mins down the road, so see each other less often.

I would like to add that overall I have good relationship with MIL, I can tell all her intention meant good. it's only when I am a bit moody then these small matters bug me a lot.

I wonder if anyone share similar experience? how you calm yourself!?

OP, I’m of the view that PIL should not be commenting on the likely sex of the baby as in one is better or more longed for, or whether the baby is small etc. But the comments about ‘wait until …’ are pretty harmless, if a bit annoying.

She's just excited and reliving the baby days that's all.

No harm done and be super grateful - my parents OR in laws weren't interested in our 3.

These are the kind of threads I want to point to when people gormlessly ask why there is often gender disappointment with boys.

I've had a thought about the "wait until" comments which honestly hadn't occurred to me before.

If (at a point you're feeling relatively chill) lots of older mothers tell you that Aspect X of parenting is tricky, then when you're struggling with Aspect X you're likely to remember this and think "oh yeah, it's just the n-month retrogression" or whatever, instead of thinking aaaaaaargh I'm a terrible mother I've ruined this tiny life.

(and of course if you happen to sail through Aspect X, you get to feel momentarily smug which, be honest, is an enjoyable feeling)

I actually can't believe you're objecting to the fact that your MIL had a look of "tremendous happiness" on her face! If she didn't look happy, you'd be annoyed that she seemed disengaged from her grandchild. Is it really fair to add "don't look too happy when your grandchild is born" to the list of things MILs are expected to do?

Poor little baby having a granny who loves him so much! 🤨🤨

Just say ‘Why do you want to know that?’or smile and say ‘Now, X, I don’t think you really need chapter and verse on my positions in labour, do you?’ and change the subject.

The ‘Just you wait’ stuff is mildly irritating, sure, but she’s trying to connect on something.

My own MIL, who could take a prize in tactlessness and total lack of imagination, would tut continually at DH holding DS and say ‘Oh, you don’t know what it was like, having three children before your 21st birthday, and raising them on nothing!’ DH attempted to be patient for some time, but eventually caved and said ‘Yeah, mum, it was precisely because we didn’t want to be raising three babies in two damp rooms over a shop that we had one child on two salaries in our 30s.’

She can’t quite get over the idea that we’re getting away with something, and fails to see that having a total of five children very young, on no money and in a tiny space, was not compulsory. That the universe doesn’t give her extra points.

Hate to break it to you OP - but your MIL is part of your family! She's your husband's mum 🙄

Is it really fair to add "don't look too happy when your grandchild is born" to the list of things MILs are expected to do?

The baby's mum can look adoringly at the baby. Her mum can gaze lovingly at her grandchild while beaming from ear to ear.
MIL is only allowed to smile briefly at the baby, and then she must focus all her attention on her DIL, in order to avoid the accusation that she only sees her DIL as a vessel.

Don’t persecute her for being happy to have a grandchild.
She sounds like she’s over the moon with the new arrival.

The last sentence here really made me laugh (I’m a MIL - amongst other things - with 3 sons and no daughters) because of course if you do what it says in the last sentence you could be accused of having no interest whatsoever in the child

I have to say that fortunately this has not been my experience but that of friends - I realise that I’ve been lucky so far 🤞🏻

every grandchild here has been welcomed with equal pleasure and anticipation and treated equally- which doesn’t always mean getting exactly the same things

from a grandparent point of view there is a particular joy that you don’t understand until you are a grandparent and it’s not being mean it’s pure fact - as a gp you get the pleasure without the pain, worry, responsibility, sleepless nights, time and financial pressure

it can help to remember that every new addition to every family raises different feelings and emotions for different people within the family dynamic

if you’re struggling to think whether you’re being unreasonable or not ask yourself if you’d be just as annoyed if a friend did it

It sometimes seems that MILS just can’t do right

She's an excited grandmother and she's chatting to you about the baby's development and what to expect - perfectly normal and she's just trying to bond with you over shared experiences. Cut her some slack.

Are you the same poster who found it odd her MIL bought a heart shaped photo frame?

Yes, I agree. Normal chit chat and conversation from a delighted grandma. Just remember your baby will have a baby one day and you might be in her position.

I am lucky enough to have two gorgeous dgcs. I can't begin to describe the absolute feeling of joy they bring. I admit, I was never fussed about becoming a grandparent and was completely taken aback when ds and Dil told us they were expecting dgc1. It was as though a bubble had suddenly burst inside me, a bubble that was full of so much love and happiness. The smile didn't leave my face for days. I didn't tell my colleagues straight away, but several of them guessed - funnily enough, they were also dgps. When dgc1 was born and we met them for the first time, we walked into the room and there was my baby, sitting in a chair holding his baby. The love for my ds had never been more and suddenly I was hit by a juggernaut - I couldn't believe much love I could feel for that tiny baby, being cradled in my ds's arms. It was like all the love for my own dcs and then multiplied by a factor of ten. I now have two dgcs and I can assure you, I have as much love and the excitement was just as pronounced for the youngest as for the oldest. I know that if any more dgc arrive, I will be as excited and have just as much love as I do for the two I already have. Thanks, both my wonderful dils treat us as members of the family, not an inconvenience who happens to be related to their dh.
I don't know why you feel as you do OP, but unless there is a massive backstory, be happy for you baby that they have a GP who loves them and wants to spend time with them. Sadly, my own dcs could tell you how it feels to have a GP who couldn't care less and who basically rejected any relationship with them.

I can't see what she's done wrong. Of course she's excited, it's her grandchild. It would be sad if she wasn't.

I admit, I was never fussed about becoming a grandparent and was completely taken aback

Same here. Until my first DGD arrived, I used to internally roll my eyes a little at my friends' obsessions with their grandkids. I didn't get the fuss.

But the love comes from the gut and hits you like a steamroller, like ones love for ones own children.

I don't expect others to get it, because I didn't get it either. My MIL was a world class grandma and I loved her for it. But I was still a bit bewildered by it at the time. Now that she's gone and I'm experiencing the same, I would love to turn back time and have visited more often (she lived 2.5 hours away) so she could have indulged her love for them even more.

Hard for you to understand her happiness? What the bloody hell are you talking about?

This is mostly unintelligible. Is it written by AI maybe? Where is OP? It's all really weird.

Not everyone on this board has English as their first language.

You sound as batshit as the OP

What a lovely mother in law you have.

Why are you looking to find fault in everything she does?

You sound very spiteful and controlling.

'Or last time DH was changing nappy - which is quite an achievement for new parent'

That has to be one of the strangest things I've read on here.

How is changing a nap any kind of achievement? Unless you're a simpleton.

You are over-reacting - I do not even understand your second paragraph.

Just go with the flow ........

This is a you problem.