To say no to 16year olds flying alone

[Dreamholidaynot]

To America!

I have a set of twins that turned 16 last week. Their dad is American but lived in the UK most of his life, returned home to New York about 6 years ago when we divorced.

His birthday is at the end of the month so he would like to give them a fabulous holiday in New York for about 8 days starting next week. He has an amazing itinerary with every day packed which is awesome.

The problem is, he wants them to travel on their own from London to JFK. They've travelled to the US and other places with me, never on their own and I think it's too much for them to do! The whole airport palaver, 13hr flight, immigration, etc They have an visa waiver from when we traveled there last year but it was still a stressful journey. What if something happens in the way? Cancellations, turbulence, 'baddies'? I'm terrified but I don't want to ruin their lives because of my own anxiety.

I know 16year olds can travel on their own. My son's best friend just returned from France with another friend and I hear this is the age they do this on their own. I just can't imagine it. My ex feels they are more than capable and I'm 'restricting their growth'. He traveled a lot from a young age with the army. He also travels at very short notice due to his work but I usually need more time to prepare for things like this.

Am I being unreasonable to say no to this journey. Would you let your own 16yr old travel without a parent or guardian that far away?

Please be kind, I've posted here because I'm desperate for some real opinions but already feeling fragile because my son is already sulking at me and I the ex pressing me. Time is of the essence if they are going.

Thank you

Presumably their dad will meet them at JFK? In which case where is the problem. I could understand if you lived in the sticks, if your kids went to a small private school so lacked street smarts, and if they had to find their way to downtown NY to some out of the way apartment. Or if you kids had significant SEN, which would cause them high anxiety being in loud, crowded airports.
But quite honestly if none of the above apply and they can navigate Heathrow, I don't think you need to worry! Just don't watch any 'baddie' films as your anxiety will be through the roof!
Let 'em go OP, they'll have an amazing time, and yes you'll worry, that's completely natural, but just revel in the peace and quiet of your home, and marvel at the calmness!

You said the trip is next week, OP.

Surely it's booked then, and you know the flight times etc?

Sounds good. They are together. No doubt you’ll take them to airport and see them through check in etc. they are met the other end by father.

my ds has been travelling to his father overseas since 16 alone (inc getting to airport). It’s good for them.

I agree that they are fine to go, but have a question....

It sounds, from your opening post, as though this has all been arranged in rather a hurry. I'm wondering why that is..... Having myself had an ex-husband who could not be trusted for a nano-second, is there any chance that yours intends to persuade the children to stay with him for longer/forever?

Seriously! My ex regularly flew back and forth from JFK on his own from the age of 12. Parents dropped him at the airport in the UK and aunt collected him the other end. Nothing bad ever happened and that was back when New York had a dreadful reputation for crime.

We traveled as unaccompanied minors from the ages of 15, 11 and 9.... Dad stayed abroad after the divorce. This was before mobile phones
Id let my 15 and 17 year olds go
Your anxiety is going to stop them having an amazing holiday

Omg i can't believe you are questioning this, they are 16 & together!

I flew to france at 15 completely alone. Shorter flight yes, but language barrier, at a time when smart phones didn't exist and your mobile didn't work overseas unless you paid a huge amount. I was meeting a french exchange friend & her family, people my parents had never even met!

Yes, YABU.

So many replies, thank you all so much! I can't reply individually but here are some answers:
Their characters: very chilled, quite sensible, they don't really get stressed. We've been in traveling situations where I've been close to tears and they are pretty okay.

• Yes, dad will meet them at the other end

• For those saying I'm letting my anxiety rule them: I live with anxiety and hate the airport bit of traveling and have a fear of flying but I was determined from their early age to override this for them so we travel frequently, long and short trips. In airplanes, by train, by coach and by sea.

I only enjoy the holiday part and I'm a mess with the rest. But it's not their problem, I know. I try to let them do lots of things I wouldn't.

• they are very good with public transport. When they get lost, they find their way again

I feel sick hearing you all say 'let them go' but so many parents can't be wrong. I'm obviously the one with the problem 😭 I've never seen an unanimous response like this so I'm terrified but emboldened.

They are very precious and I want them to fully live. I somehow just wasn't prepared for this trip.

I still see them as babies really but I definitely see it is I who needs to grow up.

My DS14 and a friend recently did a similar trip unaccompanied. These two are the most disorganized, forgetful pair of lovable idiots you could ever meet and they were absolutely fine.
Pretty sure most 16 year old girls are more switched on and capable.

Children younger than 16 are permitted to fly alone. I think the age minimum age is 12-14, depending on the airline. Any younger, then they need a chaperone and the chaperone must be over the age of 16.

So if your DC are 16 and old enough ro be chaperones, they're definitely old enough to fly alone. But as you know, they're not even alone, they have each other.

YANBU to be anxious about them flying. Of course you are, you’re a caring mum. It can be challenging, finding their way through the terminal, getting to the gate on time etc. and particularly difficult if there are any travel disruptions.

However this could be a great experience for them. Learning to manage those situations and building their resilience along the way.
And it’s great that they have each other for support.

another vote for letting them go

let them go it is a rite of passage. If you refuse then you are infantilizing them

Let them go. Don't pass on your fears or insecurities on to them. Make them confident about going out in to the world. They will be fine. More than fine. And they're not even alone. They have each other.

I would absolutely let them go. 16 is a great age to start.
It's very easy - you take them to the airport and be there for check in.
Say goodbyes, they walk through security, find the gate and text you when they are in at the gate.
8 hrs later, they land. They collect luggage, go through US arrivals and Dad collects. JFK can have long arrivals queues so it may be better to go to Newark or even via Dublin but either way - let them go.

I would be anxious about this. I too hate flying, airports etc. I understand your anxiety.

However, I would let my 17 yo do it.

As everyone has has said, they will be fine and love the experience.

my 16 yo has just done a Europe flight alone, to meet me, with a changeover etc. first time, I was really nervous so I appreciate your anxiety.

But they will be fine. They can stay in touch with you every step of the way except on thr flight itself, where they will watch movies, be served meals, feel like adults.

so it’s time to swallow your feelings, wave them off bright and breezily, tell them to send you a quick text at each step - checked in, through departures, at the gate, in their seats, through immigration etc - then pour a glass of wine and pat yourself on the back for having raised such competent, adventurous kids.

Stop panicking and getting yourself in a tizz, which is of no help to your kids.

We all feel that Mum Worry when our kids set out to do something on their own for the first time.

Our job is to be constructive. You will presumably say goodbye to them as they join the queue for security. Calmly make sure they have boarding passes and passports handy but in a secure place.

Remind them to keep checking for their departure gate, and go when they see it come up: some gates can be a long long walk.

Make sure they have paper and on-phone details. Scan passport and visa.

But do all this calmly and logically, supporting their confidence. Be positive and constructive.

And then let them get on with it.

Do not be sending endless txt messages throughout the journey: they need to be concentrating on what they are doing, not pulling out their phone every 10 mins to calm you down.

Change your dynamic: his best to support their growing independence rather than how to not be anxious. Your anxieties should not be their concern.

Airport staff will be aware they are young and flying without an adult.

They will look out for them.

Ensure they have battery packs for their phones, money on cards and keep their passports safe.

They can do this if they really want to.

Think how they’ll feel when they’ve achieved this?

They will be absolutely fine. Especially since their dad will also pick them up.

My DD travelled alone, via Amsterdam, a few days after her 16th birthday. Flight was delayed and she missed her connecting flight. She managed to navigate it all alone and got there in one piece.

For twins and a scheduled flight I’d have zero hesitation allowing it!

Whatever you do, don't cry/worry when you wave them off at the airport. Look & act confident, tell them what a fantastic time they'll have & you can't wait to hear all about it when they come back. Imagine being 16 with an amazing trip to NY to enjoy! Wow! Well done for not letting your worries spoil it for them. They need to do these things to learn resilience. You're a great mum.

I remember my first flight alone aged 18 and how absolutely wonderful it felt to be navigating the world on my own! They will 100% be fine. Let them go.

Won't add to the voices as agree with them.

But just wanted to say how nice it is for a poster on AIBU to come back and accept the verdict gracefully and with such a response.

I hope they have a great time and you don't have too much anxiety once they arrive!

Why what do you think will happen? Why is it an issue?