How do you manage the dynamics of living with adult DC?

[WhyamIthegrownup]

DS is an adult in their 20s, he works part time and is in university and is a good kid in general but I feel like I am living with a hotel guest who seems annoyed by my very existence.
They don't say it of course but I catch the looks that show I am wasting their time if I say anything or try to chat or the snipey comments if I ask about their day plus the annoyance if I am in a space they want to be in or use. Any time I speak they answer in an exasperated are you stupid tone.

It makes me uncomfortable in my own home and I am tired of it.

I feel like I am just living with a lodger but one who wishes they owned the house but who is happy to put up with me for the sake of cheap resources.

Its really tough on them. Desperate to by independent, but it is completely impossible in the current climate. It is not so bad if there is an end date in sight. Is he saving for a mortgage? How is the saving going? Have you had that conversation with him?

Badly. Mine appear to be less snipey than yours but it's still hard. I have 2 at home.
I go for a lot of solo outings
Have you spoken to him about his tone?

It developmentally normal to think your parents are idiots until you are about 25. That's why you move out to develop independence.

He needs to improve his attitude or move out.

Same here, adult son just returned from spending weekend with gf up north. First thing he said was why there’s no food in fridge. We try and keep it civil as he is trying to save to move out, otherwise I think we would argue almost every day. He really only speaks to us when he wants something.

You can tell him that while he's under your roof, he can treat you with respect. Don't let him talk down to you, pull him up on it every time.

Make sure he's pulling his weight around the house and isn't treating you like a skivvy. People don't respect those they can walk all over.

I would say give him a shelf in the fridge and tell him he needs to provide his own food. Thats our set up. It isn't set in stone, and we do borrow from each other, but only with a quick whatss app to ask the other person first

As I have said on another thread I have 3 twenty something adults living with me. One isn’t even mine! Unofficial son in law. We get on extremely well. My only niggle is that my eldest daughter and I clash for use of kitchen and to be fair she is a bit of a nag. The end is in sight, eldest and her partner will move out next year. Cant wait for her to discover she is not the only one who does the household chores 😂

I feel your pain! I have 2 at home and although they are polite and generally pleasant, they constantly ask me if I’m going out!! They want the house but without me in it 🤣. It’s my effing house!! I WFH most of the time and feel like I have to apologise that I’m here. Feel like I’m in the way 🤷‍♀️

Yes I have discussed his tone but he is immediately defensive and denys anything.
He doesn't feel that I should have any say in anything at all because he's now an adult but wants to use the house as though it's a hotel.

He is saving but the chance of moving out and getting a mortgage in the current climate is a long way out. Private rental prices are rising to a ridiculous rate here also.

I don't have experience of this. I moved out at 17 and so was fully independent afterwards.

As I said he is a good kid in most ways and despite some significant challenges has really done well but he's making me miserable.

We have this strange rule that, regardless of age, we speak to each other respectfully.
This rule has served us well.

I recognise the tone too. You have ny sympathy OP 💐

To be honest I’d feel the same in his position! I moved out at 18 because I couldn’t stand my parents treating me as a half adult/half child and felt suffocated.

I’m not saying you’re doing that, but you need to realise there’s a huge adjustment period for both of you now. I’m sure he wants to be an independent adult and live independently but can’t afford it - he likely feels frustrated about that even if it’s not your fault. He’s going through a massive life transition and likely wants a bit of space, whereas you’re probably treating him the same as you always have and aren’t realising he wants some space.

My mum for example would be lazing on the sofa all day, but as soon as she would hear me come downstairs would have to potter around in the kitchen at that point. She had the opportunity to use the kitchen all day, but no her glass would HAVE to be rinsed as soon as I would want to use the kitchen. She would purposely do that to try and start conversation with me, not realising that I actually didn’t want to constantly cross paths as I was going about my day. She probably felt like it was a good chance to have a chat, whereas I felt interrogated. I’d have much preferred it if she didn’t set up these “opportunities”, and just let things happen naturally even if it meant we weren’t having conversations every hour.

Are you making it very clear how rude/abrupt he's being and how you aren't a hotel or are you being a little gentle with it? He's old enough to know that it's not acceptable

I have stopped chatting to mine as much as I used to.

Does he pay you digs? I hope so.

I had this with my daughter when she lived here last year at 24.
If she was cooking in the kitchen and I wandered in,she would give me sly eye evils which she probably thought I didn't notice.
The rest of the time was ok,she was sweet. I just tried to avoid the kitchen for that hour which sounds crazy but some people will get this.

there is no way I would put up with an adult being rude to me in my house on a regular basis. You need to tell him to shape up and be an adult or move out. Staying with you to save is a privilege and he needs to understand that

To be honest, I don't recognise what a lot of the posts are saying as my experience. I've always had a good relationship with the kids as they have grown up and feel that we have mutual respect. They do their own washing, keep their own space tidy and do muck in with general household stuff. I tend to cook enough for us all. If someone isn't in or is making their own them it will get used up for lunches etc. We have nice easy going life, I don't interfere in their decisions but will advise if they ask. We watch films and TV together sometimes. We go out to dinner as a family sometimes. We just keep it stress free and respectful all round.

I think multigenerational living, like in other parts of the world, is going to be increasingly common. However, I agree kids need to realise it is a privilege. I won't be charging mine rent either, so it is a massive privilege!

This is the problem once they've lived out. They want to be treated like adults but they unintentionally behave like teenagers. I think you need to sit down and have a proper conversation.
I feel your pain as we have one here at the moment. She's respectful in the main but it's clear she'd rather not be here. I think they sometimes forget that we'd quite like the house to ourselves too.

I hear you when you say it's making you miserable @WhyamIthegrownup I said exactly that to my husband yesterday. I love our kids but I feel that the relationship changes when they stay for too long.
Wishing you all the best. You're not alone 💐

I nearly wrote your post yesterday!

DD2 (23) is back home following graduation. She has a P/T minimum wage job in a local cafe whilst she tries to get her first "proper" job.

We have our moments but she is a massive help with my dad who has been staying for months. She is a keen and competent baker so whilst I do main courses, she sorts out treats. We aren't charging her rent at the moment so I feel I can ask her for help with various things. We share an irreverent sense of humour, which is probably what keeps us sane.

I've had DC2 living with me for the past year, taking a year out from uni for various reasons, starting final year in September. He's worked part time (is disabled so can't do more than that), contributed to household finances, organised his own life and his independence and also been a pleasure to be around. The parent/child dynamic is no longer there, but we have found out that we get on incredibly well as people.

It takes respect, hard work and compromise, and if your son isn't giving you that, OP, then he doesn't deserve to live with you.

There's nowt wrong with being a lodger elsewhere. It isn't a mortgage vs mummy's.

I so totally hear you OP; no answers this end but I just roll with it - whilst not completely losing 'it' - and am working towards the sink or swim option.

As parents we'd be stupid if we thought things were the same as they were in 'our younger' days as they are definitely not.