Page 3 | How do you manage the dynamics of living with adult DC?

WhyamIthegrownup · 2024-08-11T17:58:06+00:00

DS is an adult in their 20s, he works part time and is in university and is a good kid in general but I feel like I am living with a hotel guest who seems annoyed by my very existence. They don't say it of course but I catch the looks that show I am wasting their time if I say anything or try to chat or the snipey comments if I ask about their day plus the annoyance if I am in a space they want to be in or use. Any time I speak they answer in an exasperated are you stupid tone. It makes me uncomfortable in my own home and I am tired of it. I feel like I am just living with a lodger but one who wishes they owned the house but who is happy to put up with me for the sake of cheap resources.

Aircon5 · 12/08/2024 07:58

andfinallyhereweare · 12/08/2024 03:08

How did he speak to you as a child? Is this a new development?

For us it was a development born out of adolescence, you know when you ignored the comments because you stuck to the things that mattered otherwise you'd be arguing all day. You think they go to uni and will have grown out of it by 21 but they come back still behaving like petulant children and eventually, you are forced back into the parent-child relationship and telling them how to behave. They come home thinking they are adults and they should be treated as adults, have an equal say in decisions around the house but they behave like brats, I had too much empathy for their situation, we are much better now they know their place - as sad as that is.

Lentilweaver · 12/08/2024 08:08

Timetothink54321 · 12/08/2024 01:51

But in many countries where multi generational living is common, parents and older people are held in greater respect.

I know COL makes things extremely hard but if your ds is demonstrating annoyance and being disrespectful op, I would take that as a sign that he doesn't appreciate living in your home and all it provides and he reckons he is capable of doing it better, so it's time for you to give him notice and suggests he has a go!

It's hard as a mother because you naturally feel guilt and worry but I've come to the conclusion that, where financially possible, both parties are better off when YAs live separately. A kind of limbo and extended adolescence at home means that YAs are in some cases just delaying getting to grips with the realities of life. And parents, who by this stage have spent twenty years or more facilitating their DC's lives, are sometimes a bit jaded and ready to have some space and freedom themselves while they are still fit and well enough to enjoy it.

When do parents catch a break nowadays? We are expected to work ft and parent more intensively than ever before. Support our DC through uni or apprenticeships. Then provide accommodation for them post graduation. And then provide flat deposits and marriage funds. And then provide regular childcare once we retire!

We do all this gladly, despite in many instances having received much less help from our own parents. We obviously want to give our DC the best start in life we can and most of us would never turn a YA in need away, but need is very different to want. Honestly, I'm probably going to get flamed for this but I think many YAs can start taking on more responsibility for their own lives earlier than they do. But if it really is financially impossible, even though it's frustrating for them, there's no excuse for disrespect. Parents deserve consideration too.

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I have found my people! Totally agree with all you say. I am Asian and multi generational living is common, but they didn't reckon with London housing. Not so keen to move out of London, given recent events, but I envy pp who has a 5 bed.😔

I really do wonder when parents catch a break these days. I have drawn the line at any partners moving in, but maybe I will end up with those too.

Timetothink54321 · 12/08/2024 09:58

Aircon5 · 12/08/2024 07:58

For us it was a development born out of adolescence, you know when you ignored the comments because you stuck to the things that mattered otherwise you'd be arguing all day. You think they go to uni and will have grown out of it by 21 but they come back still behaving like petulant children and eventually, you are forced back into the parent-child relationship and telling them how to behave. They come home thinking they are adults and they should be treated as adults, have an equal say in decisions around the house but they behave like brats, I had too much empathy for their situation, we are much better now they know their place - as sad as that is.

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I agree with this! You don’t think it should be necessary to assert your authority when everyone is adult and sharing the same space, but most young adults are naturally focused on things other than domesticity and both sides revert to their previous roles.

Clashes occur because of different outlooks at different life stages.

Some parents have less energy and are maybe a bit rigid about change. Especially when they have finally got the house under control after working and wrangling children for many years. They want a peaceful life.

And adult dc are looking to expand their lives, make connections with new friends, going out, coming back late, Anything but peaceful!

And I strongly disagree that conflict arises because we see them as guests. My dds will always have a home with me when and if they need it. It is their home too.

The difference is, in a flat share situation, your peers won’t put up with side eye and messiness and disrespect. (Or they do put up with messiness but that is agreed mutually.). So why are parents expected to?

Far better, if financially workable, for YAs to be out in the world where they frankly get the corners knocked off and can’t behave like student princes or princesses. And I really mean better for them as well as their parents!

Aircon5 · 12/08/2024 10:12

Timetothink54321 · 12/08/2024 09:58

I agree with this! You don’t think it should be necessary to assert your authority when everyone is adult and sharing the same space, but most young adults are naturally focused on things other than domesticity and both sides revert to their previous roles.

Clashes occur because of different outlooks at different life stages.

Some parents have less energy and are maybe a bit rigid about change. Especially when they have finally got the house under control after working and wrangling children for many years. They want a peaceful life.

And adult dc are looking to expand their lives, make connections with new friends, going out, coming back late, Anything but peaceful!

And I strongly disagree that conflict arises because we see them as guests. My dds will always have a home with me when and if they need it. It is their home too.

The difference is, in a flat share situation, your peers won’t put up with side eye and messiness and disrespect. (Or they do put up with messiness but that is agreed mutually.). So why are parents expected to?

Far better, if financially workable, for YAs to be out in the world where they frankly get the corners knocked off and can’t behave like student princes or princesses. And I really mean better for them as well as their parents!

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But to an extent they have to acknowledge that they don't get to make the rules because it is not an equal partnership like it is in a flatshare situation, you own the house, you make the rules.

I seriously felt abused by dd - if I was in a flatshare I'd have move out - but it was my house so it was only going one way and at the time she was really shocked and upset that she'd caused me so much pain. I honestly had not expected her to behave as badly as she did - the poor behaviour grew slowly and the defensiveness at the beginning made me question my rules. But pushed to the limit - I snapped back and eventually bared my teeth - I was very calm with her but I was also brutally honest...she had made me utterly miserable and she was going to have to improve her behaviour or leave.

We are not as close as we were when she was a preteen - and I wish that weren't the case but being permissive doesn't bring you closer - if anything the opposite happened and I was utterly miserable.

Octavia64 · 12/08/2024 10:15

My son lived with me for a year after graduation and it looks like my daughter will do the same.

I have clear rules - I have cleared two cupboards in the kitchen for her and she gets half the fridge and one tray in the freezer. Food we usually go to the supermarket together but but separately. Breakfast and lunch are make your own but if I'm making dinner I will ask if she wants some and vice versa.

It helps that I have a reasonably big house and I live downstairs (kitchen/diner and bedroom and bathroom) and she lives upstairs (bedroom, bathroom, and the spare bedroom is her "office").

BeWaryDeer · 12/08/2024 10:51

My brother lived with my parents in his 30s for a while, because his home was repossessed. I heard first hand from him how irritating he found my poor parents. I honestly don't think it occurred to him that they were doing him a favour.
I have a step daughter living here, and I find that more difficult than having my own here. Little things that I'd feel able to say to my children, ie about leaving lights on, or hair in the bath, or buying the occasional bag of groceries don't land quite so well. I know it's DH's place to say these things to her, but we both know that he doesn't have a problem with any of it, so that if he talks to her she'll know I've been grumbling.
It's very evident that SD finds us annoying, particularly any attempts to chat.

It is interesting to read posts here from the adult children in this scenario. Apparently being expected to make conversations is annoying. So they literally do expect to live as lodgers in a sub-standard 'hotel'. Which they don't want to be in.

I find that entitlement mind blowing.

BeWaryDeer · 12/08/2024 10:55

PandaWorld · 11/08/2024 22:54

I am a lot older than your son and still at home.
I would love to have my own place but can't afford it on a single wage. I live in hope and am saving every penny but it is depressing.
I feel I get under my parents feet and simple tasks like using the bathroom and cooking food in the kitchen is never an easy task as always someone in there. I also think they depend on me too much for certain things which means I have had to set strict boundaries and that because I am still there, they aren't really focusing enough on their own separate lives. Not saying you are doing that though.
It's a really tough situation all round. I must admit. I love it when my parents go away although they rarely do. It's so quiet and peaceful.

It's ridiculous how hard it is to live alone. My siblings have only done it as they have had much higher earning partners otherwise they would also be stuck.

Have you considered renting a room elsewhere? Or are you setting boundaries with parents who are not charging rent, so you can save?

FrenchandSaunders · 12/08/2024 11:07

I don't really agree with the whole "renting is so expensive they need to stay at home until their 30s to save" ... I understand rent is expensive but it's part of growing up and away from your parents.

He needs to rent a room in a house share or similar. They grow up enormously and appreciate their parents so much more.

Aircon5 · 12/08/2024 11:22

BeWaryDeer · 12/08/2024 10:51

My brother lived with my parents in his 30s for a while, because his home was repossessed. I heard first hand from him how irritating he found my poor parents. I honestly don't think it occurred to him that they were doing him a favour.
I have a step daughter living here, and I find that more difficult than having my own here. Little things that I'd feel able to say to my children, ie about leaving lights on, or hair in the bath, or buying the occasional bag of groceries don't land quite so well. I know it's DH's place to say these things to her, but we both know that he doesn't have a problem with any of it, so that if he talks to her she'll know I've been grumbling.
It's very evident that SD finds us annoying, particularly any attempts to chat.

It is interesting to read posts here from the adult children in this scenario. Apparently being expected to make conversations is annoying. So they literally do expect to live as lodgers in a sub-standard 'hotel'. Which they don't want to be in.

I find that entitlement mind blowing.

The wfh thing is a total nightmare too. dd wfh on a Friday - my day off and she expected me to creep around the house, no tv or radio allowed. We directed to the nearest work hub where she could rent a desk or she could just go to work rather than expecting us to stay out of the kitchen because she doesn't like working in her room. Ds wanted us to run our schedules past him, tell him when we had Teams meetings. I swear to fuck sometimes I think they would like me to ask permission to breathe. But as I said I no longer tolerate it, my house my rules and they pushed it to this - if they don't like it they are welcome to find somewhere better. They try it on and I am now practised on saying no, any sulking is worth the outcome. When I complained dd hadn't washed the floor all year - she said I thought you liked washing the floor 🙄. They tell themselves any truth they like just to avoid doing stuff.
Ds says it's being at home that makes him like this - when sharing a flat he says he was always the one who did stuff, he said being at home makes him feel lazy.

Aircon5 · 12/08/2024 11:27

FrenchandSaunders · 12/08/2024 11:07

I don't really agree with the whole "renting is so expensive they need to stay at home until their 30s to save" ... I understand rent is expensive but it's part of growing up and away from your parents.

He needs to rent a room in a house share or similar. They grow up enormously and appreciate their parents so much more.

In my day it was expensive to rent and we lived in shitholes and flat-shared rather than going back to our parent's house - I think we make things too easy for them - my parents would not have put up with any bad manners. And I certainly wouldn't be going on about being an adult to them whilst I lived in their house. They'd have told me adults don't live with their parents.

PandaWorld · 12/08/2024 12:35

I'm in London so even rent is ridiculous. I'm considering moving away to the cheapest area I can find but also worry as I have several chronic illnesses which impacts on work etc.
A problem too is when parents don't want their adult kids to leave as they rely on them for company or so they don't have an empty nest, those who ask for no money and expect you to still follow their rules as in , we are only having one takeaway a month and not expecting for one minute that I would want to do something different.
I do a lot of chores and contribute financially even though they don't want it. I still do it as I don't want to live like a kid. With that said, sometimes I think I make myself too useful which is another reason they don't want me to go. Today on my day off I have watered the whole garden in 30C heat despite having my own illness which impacts on my joints. My mother keeps falling in the garden despite being only early sixties which is why I am doing it today. She won't seek help for any of her worrying health issues.
After I had done this my dad said 'You really don't like the heat do you?' and was laughing despite seeing how much I was struggling with my joints and the heat. They dont understand my conditions and I know I will end up becoming a carer despite my own health so I am thinking of the best way to get out while I can. It's not that I don't care but I feel I can't live my own life and am still seen as a kid. Both of them are very extroverted characters who need a lot of interaction and I am the total opposite. They both moved out at 16 together and think living at home must be great, they just don't understand it.

In rare cases I think living at home all together can work but only if everyone leads separate lives, there is lots of space in the house and everyone is seen as an equal adult. That doesn't happen a lot of the time. I am never rude to my parents although they probably think I am antisocial as I spend a lot of time upstairs. I certainly don't expect them to fill the fridge or anything like that. That really is disrespectful and entitled. As is speaking rudely to them. That wouldn't ever happen.

tuttuttutt · 12/08/2024 12:49

@PandaWorld I'd get out asap or you'll likely end up being pushed into caring for your parents even though they aren't old

BeWaryDeer · 12/08/2024 12:55

Sounds like a very co-dependent relationship @PandaWorld Not really healthy for any of you. I'm sorry it's so hard to get out.

TomatoSandwiches · 12/08/2024 12:59

Haven't read the whole thing op, but I'd be telling him you won't respond to anything he says if his tone is anything less than polite.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 12/08/2024 13:01

Aircon5 · 12/08/2024 11:22

The wfh thing is a total nightmare too. dd wfh on a Friday - my day off and she expected me to creep around the house, no tv or radio allowed. We directed to the nearest work hub where she could rent a desk or she could just go to work rather than expecting us to stay out of the kitchen because she doesn't like working in her room. Ds wanted us to run our schedules past him, tell him when we had Teams meetings. I swear to fuck sometimes I think they would like me to ask permission to breathe. But as I said I no longer tolerate it, my house my rules and they pushed it to this - if they don't like it they are welcome to find somewhere better. They try it on and I am now practised on saying no, any sulking is worth the outcome. When I complained dd hadn't washed the floor all year - she said I thought you liked washing the floor 🙄. They tell themselves any truth they like just to avoid doing stuff.
Ds says it's being at home that makes him like this - when sharing a flat he says he was always the one who did stuff, he said being at home makes him feel lazy.

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I can understand him saying that. After living with DH for a few years we had to relocate and lived with my parents for a few months till we found a house to buy. I was 29 at the time so a fully fledged independent adult but gradually I found myself reverting back to being a child living in my parents’ home. Letting my mum cook and clean etc.and not even thinking that I should offer to do more. I think I told myself that it was fine because she wasn’t working and I was, it was there home so we were guests, really, and that she enjoyed “looking after us” 😂. I’m sure they found our presence a pain but never showed it, thank god.

DH and I have young adult kids now and I can relate to all these posts. I think it’s probably best all round for young adults to live separately from their parents and start creating their own lives. I think everyone gets on better that way. It angers me that UK housing is so unaffordable. It was easy for me to move out at 20 even on a low wage, and stay moved out (apart from the temp relocation circumstances)

BeWaryDeer · 12/08/2024 13:08

Your post sums up exactly how SD views us I think @CurlyhairedAssassin I like your balanced post

Nanny0gg · 12/08/2024 13:11

WhyamIthegrownup · 11/08/2024 19:12

Yes I have discussed his tone but he is immediately defensive and denys anything.
He doesn't feel that I should have any say in anything at all because he's now an adult but wants to use the house as though it's a hotel.

He is saving but the chance of moving out and getting a mortgage in the current climate is a long way out. Private rental prices are rising to a ridiculous rate here also.

I don't have experience of this. I moved out at 17 and so was fully independent afterwards.

As I said he is a good kid in most ways and despite some significant challenges has really done well but he's making me miserable.

Then he's not a good kid...

What are the 'rules'/expectations?

What does he do/provide? What does he expect from you?

Who pays for what?

MereDintofPandiculation · 12/08/2024 13:12

I told ours he was an adult, therefore what we were all doing was a house share, he needed to pay a third of the household bills and do a third of the chores. The first worked better than the second, but we never had any attitude from him, and it was lovely to be able to head off for a week knowing the cats would be fed

Timetothink54321 · 12/08/2024 14:11

Aircon5 · 12/08/2024 10:12

But to an extent they have to acknowledge that they don't get to make the rules because it is not an equal partnership like it is in a flatshare situation, you own the house, you make the rules.

I seriously felt abused by dd - if I was in a flatshare I'd have move out - but it was my house so it was only going one way and at the time she was really shocked and upset that she'd caused me so much pain. I honestly had not expected her to behave as badly as she did - the poor behaviour grew slowly and the defensiveness at the beginning made me question my rules. But pushed to the limit - I snapped back and eventually bared my teeth - I was very calm with her but I was also brutally honest...she had made me utterly miserable and she was going to have to improve her behaviour or leave.

We are not as close as we were when she was a preteen - and I wish that weren't the case but being permissive doesn't bring you closer - if anything the opposite happened and I was utterly miserable.

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I am actually agreeing with you and can totally identify with what you are saying.

It shouldn’t be necessary to assert authority but it sometimes is!

One of my dd’s was quite verbally combative, she has got over that hump now thankfully, but I’m ashamed to say my heart used to sink when I heard her key in the door and I would be on edge, which is something I never thought I would say about my own child.

I honestly don’t think she knew how badly she was coming across because two minutes later she would apologise and then behave as if nothing had happened, while I was still fuming! It does wear you down, And I was going through menopausal fatigue at the time which didn’t help.

Our relationship is infinitely better now but we are not as close as we once were. I hope there is still room for it to improve in the future. She’s welcome to live back at home any time she wants but we both know deep down that we are happier apart atm.

My other dd left home a while back and has been living abroad for nearly a year. She was always calmer and more easy going in character which makes me wonder if there’s any truth in the theory that the closer to you and more dependent they are, the more fiery and difficult their road to independence!

Timetothink54321 · 12/08/2024 14:17

FrenchandSaunders · 12/08/2024 11:07

I don't really agree with the whole "renting is so expensive they need to stay at home until their 30s to save" ... I understand rent is expensive but it's part of growing up and away from your parents.

He needs to rent a room in a house share or similar. They grow up enormously and appreciate their parents so much more.

I totally agree but when I said this on another thread I was told that there aren’t as many as these properties available as there used to be?

redalex261 · 12/08/2024 14:22

😩😩Oh god, is this what’s next for me? Mine is almost 17 and has been moderately nice only recently after traumatic teen drama!

I need a lie down!

Lifelessordinary1 · 12/08/2024 14:49

My daughter, son in law and grandson moved in with me for a short time due to finances and it worked so well they stayed for 7 years and had another child. We only stopped because a tragic accident left my son in law an amputee and unable to work - as i am a wheelchair user we just could not adapt the 3 bed terrace property to meet all our individual needs. If we could have we would all still be living together.

I think the advantage we had is that she had moved out and came back so i had stopped 'parenting' her - which i think is the key. You have to act like it is a flat share or two independent adults sharing. So no major changes could be made to the property without consulting the owner which was me and any major decisions such as getting a puppy had to be talked about with everyone but neither interfered with each others day to day lives or choices. Also we worked out what each could contribute to the house to make it run smoothly - as i had a good job i carried on paying all the bills and my daughter and son in law took on all the house work, food shopping, garden, car maintenance etc. so no one felt like they were being taken advantage of.

It really does mean sitting down and talking like two adults - not parent and child and i truly believe that not everyone is capable of shedding those previous roles and in that case it may always be difficult

AskNotForWhomTheBellCurves · 12/08/2024 15:51

Aircon5 · 12/08/2024 07:36

Be a good guest, offer to cook, tell your parents to go put their feet up, otherwise buy take outs because you're a guest you don't get to set the rules about who comes into the kitchen.

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Oh I wouldn't dream of 'banning' my parents from their own kitchen or showing my feelings outwardly because I'm not a twat, I just thought it was interesting that the PP's daughter and I apparently have the same weird aversion to having other people around when in the kitchen specifically.

This thread is making me miss my family, actually I'm sure we'd also drive each other mad within a month if we lived together, though!