How do you manage the dynamics of living with adult DC?

[WhyamIthegrownup]

DS is an adult in their 20s, he works part time and is in university and is a good kid in general but I feel like I am living with a hotel guest who seems annoyed by my very existence.
They don't say it of course but I catch the looks that show I am wasting their time if I say anything or try to chat or the snipey comments if I ask about their day plus the annoyance if I am in a space they want to be in or use. Any time I speak they answer in an exasperated are you stupid tone.

It makes me uncomfortable in my own home and I am tired of it.

I feel like I am just living with a lodger but one who wishes they owned the house but who is happy to put up with me for the sake of cheap resources.

That sounds hard!

The 25yo actually likes us, which helps a lot, and he chooses to watch films or play games with us quite a lot. He also helps with chores as long as I give him notice.

I think seeing the squalor and poverty some of his friends are living in gave him an appreciation for his life here.

I am a lot older than your son and still at home.
I would love to have my own place but can't afford it on a single wage. I live in hope and am saving every penny but it is depressing.
I feel I get under my parents feet and simple tasks like using the bathroom and cooking food in the kitchen is never an easy task as always someone in there. I also think they depend on me too much for certain things which means I have had to set strict boundaries and that because I am still there, they aren't really focusing enough on their own separate lives. Not saying you are doing that though.
It's a really tough situation all round. I must admit. I love it when my parents go away although they rarely do. It's so quiet and peaceful.

It's ridiculous how hard it is to live alone. My siblings have only done it as they have had much higher earning partners otherwise they would also be stuck.

We had two sons in their 20s at home until this Spring.
Our oldest had left home to live with his long term girlfriend but they split soon after moving in together so he asked if he could come home for six months while he saved a deposit to buy a house.

Six months was actually 18 months.

There were lots of arguments, mostly between me and him. I tried to cut him some slack because life obviously hadn’t panned out the way he’d expected it to but It felt like he resented having to live at home and it was all our fault that he was stuck here. It was really hard, he was obviously more than ready to move out but circumstances made that difficult. It really was difficult for him to save for a deposit with just one not very high wage. He's now moved into his own home though and things are much better.

Our younger son is 24, it looked like he was on the verge of moving out and getting a place with his girlfriend of six years but they’ve recently split up so he’s here indefinitely. He’s much easier to live with than his brother though.

I'm nearly 30 and me and my son had to move back home.

I'd say I get on with my family very well, but I feel you on the dependence.

I always joke that it's hard being a single child to adult parents.

All my spare time has been spent becoming tech support, entertainment, personal assistant, personal shopper, and a minion for any daily tasks they take on but do not have the tools or capacity to fulfil either at all or simply on their own, but often with little to no notice at all. I live with people who don't know what relaxing is, and sofas are just for decoration because their cheeks never meet a sofa, which means my cheeks never meet the sofa.

I can make light of it though as we do rarely clash, and I think it works within our own family ecosystem to have this set up but it genuinely took me years to adjust and I actually had to have a lot of therapy to help me address my attitude, and learn to be firm and kind whilst having confidence to establish my own boundaries. The hardest thing for my family was having patience with me while I went through that process, and also they had to change their expectations that were generationally and culturally ingrained which caused some clashes.

I do sometimes desperately crave my own space but 14 years of austerity have royally fucked that up for me, so I'm very grateful that I've got family that will never see me homeless.

I had this with dd when she moved back home for her placement year. The nicer I was to her the worse she got. I tried to be her friend, as all her friends were all at uni at I worried about her being lonely. After about 4 months I cracked - told her I’d had enough of her attitude, she was making me miserable and I was fed up with her telling me off all the time. I gave her notice to improve or someone was going to have to move out and it wasn’t going to be me. I started pulling her up on every bit of attitude and eventually it stopped.

I won’t make the same mistake with ds - he has just graduated and I’ve given him rules and the talk about the attitude. He was off for a few days but then he wised up and is actually behaving himself. If they are going to live with us they can bloody well behave because I won’t be abused in my own home. I wouldn’t put up with being abused by dh and I won’t be abused by my adult kids. I temporarily lost my way - thought I could be a friend - it seems despite being in their twenties they aren’t old enough for that yet, maybe they never will be!

I nipped the fridge comment in the bud immediately. Not my job to stuff the fridge with food. They are adults, they filled a fridge at uni, they can fill a fridge at home. We will endeavour to provide an evening meal if we are eating at home - otherwise the (adult) dcs will need to sort it out for themselves - they can eat anything in the fridge but I am not planning their breakfast and lunch and I want them to cook dinner regularly.
I enjoyed them being at uni - dh and I had a lovely time with little aggravation, if they want to live at home they need to contribute.

The attitude thing - ds denied it and I said - would you speak to a teacher/your boss like that. If they genuinely don’t know they have done work to go on their social skills.

I don't fill the fridge either. Everybody cooks for themselves more or less. I will cook dinner if I feel like it, otherwise they have to sort themselves out.

But in many countries where multi generational living is common, parents and older people are held in greater respect.

I know COL makes things extremely hard but if your ds is demonstrating annoyance and being disrespectful op, I would take that as a sign that he doesn't appreciate living in your home and all it provides and he reckons he is capable of doing it better, so it's time for you to give him notice and suggests he has a go!

It's hard as a mother because you naturally feel guilt and worry but I've come to the conclusion that, where financially possible, both parties are better off when YAs live separately. A kind of limbo and extended adolescence at home means that YAs are in some cases just delaying getting to grips with the realities of life. And parents, who by this stage have spent twenty years or more facilitating their DC's lives, are sometimes a bit jaded and ready to have some space and freedom themselves while they are still fit and well enough to enjoy it.

When do parents catch a break nowadays? We are expected to work ft and parent more intensively than ever before. Support our DC through uni or apprenticeships. Then provide accommodation for them post graduation. And then provide flat deposits and marriage funds. And then provide regular childcare once we retire!

We do all this gladly, despite in many instances having received much less help from our own parents. We obviously want to give our DC the best start in life we can and most of us would never turn a YA in need away, but need is very different to want. Honestly, I'm probably going to get flamed for this but I think many YAs can start taking on more responsibility for their own lives earlier than they do. But if it really is financially impossible, even though it's frustrating for them, there's no excuse for disrespect. Parents deserve consideration too.

We are lucky, 25 and 21yo living at home and will be for a while as 21 will do a Masters next year. I think it is much easier if kids don’t move out in the first place (where we live most kids live at home through Uni), it’s when they have a taste of independent living then want to continue the the same but in your house is where the problems arise.

We always speak respectfully to each other, any competition for resources eg. use of the kitchen it is assumed DH or I always have priority as we pay the bills. I cook dinner most nights for anyone who is around which kind of solves that issue anyway. Our biggest advantage though is that we have a lot of space, a five bed house with multiple living areas and bathrooms is much easier to share than a smaller house.

Can you come up with a plan for how it might end, so at least you know there is an end in sight? So once he’s graduated, can you help him with some savings, encourage him to move into a share house, get a place with some friends etc when he gets a job? If he’s working now and living at home, he has the opportunity to save - is he saving enough? Does he work full time in the holidays etc?
I would sit down with him and have a frank chat about how you would like things done now, and how he can be making moves towards moving out when he’s finished uni.

I moved out for University at 18 and moved back for 6 months while I was doing a short second qualification and it was hard as I’d loved my freedom. But I knew I had a plan to move to London once I qualified so it was ok. I saved every penny, went out a lot to friends houses and worked hard in my room!

Kids, ey, who would have 'm....

Tongue in cheek.

Yes, they drive you mad.

@Timetothink54321 "Honestly, I'm probably going to get flamed for this" - Far from, and I am grateful for your post. Stuck in the middle ground between parents needing care and 4 adult children, and two grandchildren, all needing a bit of help in one way or another (and all appreciated by the way, so no grief there, we all love each other) but I sometimes wonder when I am going to get my place in the sun.

I stopped chatting and started to resent my adult daughter. She has finally moved out and I still don't want to talk to her 😥

How did he speak to you as a child? Is this a new development?

Why don't you have it out with him? Would you let your dh or partner behave like that around you without speaking up?

My DS moved last year as he bought a house at 29. Whilst he lived at home he did his chores like loads dishwasher, empty kitchen bin, unpack and put away grocery delivery as well as his own care eg doing his laundry, changing his sheets and towels, cleaning his room and cooking for DH and I once a week. If he had friends around He let me know they'd be coming. He was not snippy with either me or DH. I enjoyed having him there. He comes across to see us a couple of times each week. Your DS sounds rude and like he's taking you for granted.

This. You're doing him a disservice by putting up with his rude behaviour

What is it about kitchens?! I'm 32 and live on a different continent, and when I go home to visit my parents I still don't like them being in the kitchen when I'm cooking. We get on really well and I'm happy to spend the rest of the day chatting and going places with them, but sharing the kitchen gets me really on edge - I don't even know why myself!

Well just as you find him a bit irritating, he probably finds living there a bit irritating too.

He likely doesn't want to live there either but the problem is his "home" is seen as your house first and foremost and he's seen as a guest in it.

Except OP is not snapping at him and treating him like he is thick.
And yeah, it is her house first and foremost.

I flatly refused when my two wanted to move back in. Thank god I did.

Agree with others that they grow out of thinking parents know nothing. However your DC needs to be a part of your household and that includes joining in, being sociable and considerate etc. I would be telling him.

He needs to improve his attitude or move out.

^This. Anyone who disrespected me in my own home would be finding somewhere else to live. He can move into a flat share. I shared with 6 other people when I was 17. It's what adults that can't afford to live alone do if they don't want to/can't live with parents. Honestly if my son treated me like that he'd be getting a month's notice and his bags packed.

Be a good guest, offer to cook, tell your parents to go put their feet up, otherwise buy take outs because you're a guest you don't get to set the rules about who comes into the kitchen.

If he is finding the situation a bit irritating, as the person who owns the house of course it's him who is the guest, when he was a child he was looked after and had to do what he was told.

Now he's an adult there are still rules and he has the choice - follow them or live elsewhere. You don't get to do whatever you like because it's your home - when a couple behave badly with each other - if they are sensible, one of them moves out of their home. People should not put up with being abused and living with a young adult who continually disrespects you is abuse. I'm regret putting up with it for so long - I didn't when they were kids but I thought they were mature enough not to need me to be bossy but it seems it's give an inch...

Up with it, I will no longer put!