Husband 'recycling/binning' my stuff

[MealDealDreamz]

If your husband were recycling your stuff without always checking with you first, would you be pissed off? I have too much stuff in his opinion. He will create bags of recycling and I'll ask to go through it first and find stuff that I really want but he doesn't know the value of / reason for keeping. He's taken books to charity before that had personal messages / sentimental value. He said he thought I wasn't bothered about them as I'd said one of them was crap. I bought them back at the charity shop. Now I'm off, he's talking about having a 'good clear out' and I'm feeling the pressure of using my time off to clear out stuff. While I accept that this needs to be done, and I have said I will do it, I feel this pressure to do things to his timetable. This morning I found he'd 'recycled' some of my herbs and spices as they 'were out of date' and you 'don't really use thyme'. He'd put a normal paprika to be recycled as he said we already have a paprika. (We don't. It was a hot and smoked one)
What do you think? Is he being controlling or am I a hoarder who needs taking in hand. I'm just so angry with him

It sounds like a bit of both, to be honest.

He shouldn't be chucking out your stuff, but living with someone who never throws anything way can be incredibly frustrating.

Agree, a bit of both, although I don’t think you can recycle herbs?!

properly out of date food is joint and a shared responsibility to get rid of as needed
your books are yours. If you’ve thousands then perhaps either prune, store or think about how they are stored (I’d be frustrated with piles of stuff).

do you have too much? My husband won’t throw anything away really, he collects a lot, but it’s fully stored and displayed. We have a robot hoover so the floor has to be clear which is excellent

It's hard to say without knowing how much stuff you have/how full your house is, how weak your reasons are for keeping stuff and how often/long he's been asking you to clear it out.

My husband keeps way too much stuff in my opinion. I clear out and ask him to go through what I’ve earmarked to see if there’s anything he wants to keep.

Does he chuck his own stuff or just yours?

Obviously the books are U. The herbs are NU.

And it depends on the context. For example do you have room?

Living with a hoarder is utter hell and they always have a reason to keep every bit of paper, broken plastic thing or out of date foodstuff.

I’m sorry, but from bitter, awful experience I’m with your husband on this one. Going through black bags and buying stuff back is frustrating beyond description.

Now I'm off, he's talking about having a 'good clear out' and I'm feeling the pressure of using my time off to clear out stuff.

He can't really win then, can he?

If he clears it out you're not happy, if he asks you to clear it out you're still not happy.

From what you've written, you do sound like a bit of a hoarder.

That can be hard for you, and just as hard for the person you live with.

Where does OP say she hoarding. I read it as her husband is throwing out things HE doesn't see as needed.

I would say your husband is trying to control you, by controlling your belongings.

How much of his own stuff is he throwing out/recycling.

Is he as keen to throw out his own things? It sounds controlling of him tbh

As PP said, difficult to know what to think without getting a clearer perspective on how cluttered your house is and how proactive you are about decluttering/clearing out/freecycling unused items. He might be a compulsive overcleaner, you might be a bit of a hoarder/lazy, or it might be a little of both.

Massive red flags and alarm bells from me. He sounds like he completely disregards your feelings about things, and that is concerning. I couldn’t be with someone who did this, was asked not to, and continued. Whether you have hoarding tendencies or not is a red herring, and doesn’t affect the disregard and disrespect he is showing you

Does he throw away his own stuff?

Sounds like he doesnt like sharing a house

It can be very distressing living in a cluttered and chaotic house, where your partner "agrees" that things need sorting but everything they own needs is potentially very precious and needs to be sorted by them in their own time and years later nothing's changed except there's more stuff...

Do you really have too much stuff?

Or do you need to recycle a husband?

Yes or No answers both questions.

If you feel you maybe do need a clear out, it's still not his place to touch your personal belongings. Throwing out herbs/spices in the kitchen is controlling as he clearly didn't read the labels and best before dates are very different to use by especially for spices.

Herbs don't go out of date. That's the point of drying them, drying and powdering them, preserving them etc.

Yes I do have too much stuff but I'm not a hoarder. I only have one wardrobe of clothes and I regularly clear out. He has been brought up to live very frugally so only has what he really needs. I get that herbs etc can't be recycled. I'll try and have a go at the stuff tomorrow as I appreciate it's not fair on him. It's just doing it to his timetable that I can't deal with. It does feel controlling. I'm probably difficult to live with but I'm a hell of a lot better than some people I know. I feel a lot of stress as I clear out. Almost like I hear his voice saying "you don't need that".

Well having a good clear out and going through stuff together is reasonable. Provided when you voice an opinion that you want to keep something for a reason he actually listens to you and respects that.
As regards his normal behaviour of just disposing of your things or even joint household things without you getting any part in his decision making: that is just plain wrong. He is telling you your opinions don't matter. That your feelings don't matter. That his way is the right way and you have no say. I would find that massively upsetting.
Do you generally have to do what he says, do things his way in everything?

OP didn't once say her house is cluttered or chaotic. He donated books with inscriptions and threw out spices from the kitchen that he clearly doesn't use.

Just because you want something done doesn't mean your partner has to do it when you want it done. Especially if it's their personal belongings.

I suspect there is more to this story… I’d be interested in the DH’s side tbh

YABU, you’ve said you have too much stuff, it sounds like he’s resorted to sorting through your things because you are not doing it. Living in clutter is stressful. Did you actually say the book was crap and if so why did you buy it back?

@K37529 it was a group of books on the shelf that could be categorised as chick lit. One of 8 of these I'd said was crap. Two of these books were sentimental to me.

Surly throwing away out of date spices is fine? Do you expect to check with you first?

OP has too much stuff according to her husband. It is her business what she keeps and what she throws away not his.

OP YES, your husband is controlling.

If my DH threw out just one of my things, he would be the next thing to go in the trash.

It sounds like you both need to have an open and honest conversation with each other. You need to hear from him why ‘stuff’ bothers him so much and why dealing with it seems to be an overwhelming priority for him. He needs to hear from you why ‘stuff’ matters to you and how it feels to be pressured into dealing with it and how it makes you feel when he disregards your belongings.

My husband is a ‘this may come in useful’ kind of guy and I’m a ‘argh too much stuff must get rid’ kind of gal. We have to meet in the middle.