Husband 'recycling/binning' my stuff

[MealDealDreamz]

If your husband were recycling your stuff without always checking with you first, would you be pissed off? I have too much stuff in his opinion. He will create bags of recycling and I'll ask to go through it first and find stuff that I really want but he doesn't know the value of / reason for keeping. He's taken books to charity before that had personal messages / sentimental value. He said he thought I wasn't bothered about them as I'd said one of them was crap. I bought them back at the charity shop. Now I'm off, he's talking about having a 'good clear out' and I'm feeling the pressure of using my time off to clear out stuff. While I accept that this needs to be done, and I have said I will do it, I feel this pressure to do things to his timetable. This morning I found he'd 'recycled' some of my herbs and spices as they 'were out of date' and you 'don't really use thyme'. He'd put a normal paprika to be recycled as he said we already have a paprika. (We don't. It was a hot and smoked one)
What do you think? Is he being controlling or am I a hoarder who needs taking in hand. I'm just so angry with him

You're lucky OP. My hubby is a hoarder. He believes everything will have a use at some point.

He's just got rid of his video collection!

It sounds like he has OCD and some mild form of Autism - High functioning. Has he ever been diagnosed with anything? His behaviour is very obsessive.

if you are annoyed he has thrown out a spice, it does sound like you have some sort of hoarding issue. Obviously difficult to tell without more information but I doubt I would even notice that and I’d just be happy my partner was sorting kitchen cupboards out.

@WingsofRain

Living with a hoarder is utter hell and they always have a reason to keep every bit of paper, broken plastic thing or out of date foodstuff.
I’m sorry, but from bitter, awful experience I’m with your husband on this one. Going through black bags and buying stuff back is frustrating beyond description.

Firstly, anyone who does not hoard, doesn't have the right to call someone else a 'hoarder'!
I say this as an active member of a hoarding support group.
Secondly, not EVERYONE who hoards wants to keep all those bits and pieces you've stated that we ALL DO. In fact, even when my house was at its worst, you wouldn't have found any of the things you listed above, I just had loads of belongings that were preventing me from going about my daily life normally.
Those of us that do hoard, don't do it as a lifestyle choice, we've had traumas/ bereavements/health and/or mental health issues.
NO-ONE CHOOSES TO HOARD. Hoarding is actually a coping mechanism for some other problem.
People who hoard need to realise and accept what their individual root cause is, and learn to deal with their belongings in a simple, methodical way that doesn't freak them out.
The worst thing you can do is tell someone that they have to get rid of their stuff or try to shame them into dealing with it in a way and/or timetable that suits you.
As I said, I have hoarded, for over 3 decades and it's only been in the last few years that I've been in the right mindset to try to deal with my belongings.It's not a quick fix.
Hoarding is a recognised MH issue.
If someone told you they had a serious MH issue, would you tell them to snap out of it and pull themselves together? I'd say no, you wouldn't. So why do people think that those of us that hoard can just snap out of it and be ok with having all our things thrown out or given away?
Only today, I've been helping to run an educational course for fire fighters, social workers, housing officers, generally anyone who works with householders and may come across someone with Hoarding Disorder.
We teach them ways to approach the subject and how NOT to trigger a person's anxiety or cause them to slam the door in their face.
So please, if you know or come across someone with Hoarding Disorder, please don't call them a 'hoarder', we're not monsters, just people with a lot of 'stuff', who either don't know how to reduce the amount or don't even realise that it's a 'hoard', they might see their things as a collection, but any collection or amount of clutter becomes a 'hoard' when it starts to prevent you from living your life normally/the way you 'want to'.

I would add that I worked in Mental Health for over a decade and met/experienced plenty of people being diagnosed with various MH conditions.
It's amazing how so many people with absolutely no MH training or experience can point the finger and say that someone 'obviously' has OCD or some of my condition without that experience and having never met the person they're pointing at.

Write him a list of jobs you want doing!
Tell him if he is that bored that he has to go through your stuff then maybe he can make himself useful by doing those first!
I would be fuming if anyone sorted out my stuff! Maybe bag up all of his stuff and hand it to him telling him you had a good sort out and here is everything you have no use for!!!

Doh. They might not go off exactly, but they can certainly go past their best.

Anyway, that is irrelevant because that isn't why I posted. There was a post that said that you couldn't recycle them and I was responding to that.

I was brought up to believe you don't throw out things that don't belong to you. Let him throw away his own things if he enjoys turfing out. My DP collects things. Things like 23 knitting machines, 40-odd sewing machines and so on. He finds interesting paintings, ceramics, books. It used to drive me insane but you don't throw out things that...
The time to get rid of stuff is when it no longer means anything to you. Your DH is being unkind and selfish to insist his is the only way.

To be honest I think he is being a dick. It isn’t his place to choose what stuff of yours he wants to dispose of. I would be fuming if my DH did it, I think you should do it back and see how he likes it!

Sounds like he has not got enough to do.

Only read page 1, so apologies if this has moved on.

My husband is terrible for keeping everything. Not only that, but he’s the sort to go through Freecycle and message other people to ask them for their crsp they’re giving away (stuff we don’t need but he says “it might be useful one day”).

Years ago I asked him if we could get rid of this weird, ugly Chinese ornament thing he had (I didn’t call it weird and ugly to him) when I was doing a tidy up, clear out. He said no because he absolutely loved it, it was his favourite thing. I said no problem and left it. The next day I removed it, put it in a box and wrote the date on it, then put it in my wardrobe. I set a 12 month reminder up.

A year later, when the reminder came up, I asked him again about getting rid of it. He gave me the same answer about loving it. So I asked him where it was. He said it’s on the mantelpiece, looked over and realised it wasn’t there. So I went and got it, showed him when I had moved it etc, and asked him again if it was his favourite thing if he hadn’t noticed it missing for a year - he conceded that maybe it wasn’t and we ended up getting rid of it in a clear out. It may sound harsh, but he would he like it with EVERYTHING. I had just gotten fed up with it by that point because I knew he was wanting to keep it for the sake of it.

I have noticed that he has no issues though with wanting to throw out or sell my stuff (I ended selling a huge collection I had of done thing very, very dear to me which I still regret over 10 years later).

The herbs thing in the OP’s post made me laugh as I had to do the same. We had a huge amount of herbs and spices, almost all had never been opened. Most of them had gone out of date before we had moved house 15 years earlier. So I sorted through and bagged up all the ones that were unopened and said I’m getting rid of this lot. He said “but I want them, I use them sometimes in cooking”. I pointed out that he clearly hasn’t used these in a minimum of 17 years - some of them likely 20 years since purchased - and was he really all that likely to suddenly start using them or should we get rid as the cupboards were just rammed. He “rescued” half a dozen and agreed we could throw the rest. He then made a point to use each of those pots over the next few weeks 😂

I HATE the clutter in our house. It’s so frustrating when your partner refuses to ever throw anything away. My husband has been “keeping stuff to do a car boot with” for over 5 years now (he first mentioned it sometime before covid). I’ve offered to help sort stuff, load the car, etc for him to do it - but he always finds an excuse. But won’t let me throw it away because there might be value in it. If I put stuff on selling pages, he wants far too high a price for second hand crap so no one wants it, meaning not only are we keeping it, but I’ve wasted all of MY time photographing it, giving it a description etc for something I knew wasn’t going anywhere.

OP if you’re like my husband, try to put yourself in my shoes (or those of your husband) and ask yourself what you really do need to keep, and what is keeping for the sake of it.

I'm not sure it's hoarding. Sometimes it's always having something better to do.

Something that has helped me a lot was creating a donations area (it’s a bin in my under stairs cupboard, with a black trash bag) where I can toss things easily.

I don’t feel I have to donate it until it’s full which is plenty of time for second thoughts (rare), and makes it easier to make a couple of quick decluttering decisions now without having to factor in the time and energy of getting them to the charity shop.

I’ve got into the habit of glancing into wardrobes before I put clothes away to see what’s hanging there unworn. And weeding out too small kids clothes as I’m folding laundry. It’s easy to toss a handful into the donation bag because I keep passing the door.

I get exhausted easily from decisions as a chronic over thinker and I just can’t face big decluttering projects, so doing small bits regularly is a big help. I can really feel your impending project exhaustion!

I’m astounded by the amount of people who think you need to bin out of date spices. 😳

You're both unreasonable. My DH holds on to loads of stuff and refuses to clear out. It's infuriating, it takes up so much space and makes it more difficult to find things. I have been tempted to throw some of the things away myself but I wouldn't do it.

How can mass produced chick lit be sentimental?

Do you have a habit of forming unusually sentimental attachment to, well… random tat? Maybe he is just so fed up.

@Beforetheend

Something that has helped me a lot was creating a donations area (it’s a bin in my under stairs cupboard, with a black trash bag) where I can toss things easily.

A tip from a recovering hoarder..... don't use a BLACK bin bag, use another coloured or clear bag, that way you can tell the difference between bags of rubbish and bags of donate-ables.
My PA and I have just done 7 months of sorting/clearing in my home and we've found this invaluable because we can clearly tell which bag something needs to go into, and we can load the car with the clear/coloured bags and the black ones go out for the bin collection or I take them to the tip.

Absolutely. It must be soul-destroying. Wives on here are advised to just chuck it btw.

@Ivehearditbothways the chick lit books were fine it was a special inscripted book of poetry given to me by a close friend and my deceased aunt's favourite book which she said I should read one day

But yes. I hear you. I am a hoarder of sorts. Looking at it exhausts and depresses me. There isn't loads of it and it is definitely not at the levels of some people. But thank you for sharing your perspectives and experiences.

I’m astounded by the number of people who think you can cook with out of date spices and still get the flavour. Some of the ones described will be little more than dust!

Mine go on the compost after a year and I refresh them with new packets from the Asian supermarket tipped into the jar and the following year’s date added to the label.

They don’t go ‘off’, they lose their flavour.

My DH is more the one inclined to 'hoard'... we've got his grandmas hideous teapot on a shelf upstairs because it was her prized possession despite being hideous, for instance. I CBA to argue the toss.

But he does tend to throw out cans and jars over their Best Before date too readily, and once binned nearly all the herbs and spices. Yes, the jars had old dates on them but he evidently didn't twig that we bought refill packs so the contents were newer. A lot of the new jars we then had to buy dont fit the spice rack.

Just do a bit at a time x

Really good idea to add the new date to the old jars. Otherwise someone might helpfully buy their partner a whole load of new herbs/spices and throw out the fresh ones in old jars.

I do think you sound hoardy tbh regardless of how much stuff you say you have / don't have. It's the anxiety around throwing things away and doing it on your timetable.

Thats exactly like the hoarding relative I have.

I have a massive desire to go in their flat with about 3000 bin bags and empty it.

However if I touch the 2 month out of date food in the fridge I am unreasonable.

I also cannot say I am getting rid of anything because they will say get want it. My parents cleared out some old stuff and they got arsey claiming it was theirs from childhood.

It's hell!

Surely the spices are a joint thing rather than just yours or do you have a set of spices for your use only and he has a set for his use? I’d be a bit annoyed at him chucking it out but if it’s gone OOD you clearly don’t use it often either.

I’m not sure I understand how one of a set of 8 chick lit books that you think is crap can have sentimental value so possibly you are being over sensitive about this.

As for the excess of second hand clothes that you know you don’t want, just get rid.

If your partner is regularly getting rid of “bags of stuff” then you have too much and should consider his POV although I think he is overstepping by actually getting rid of your stuff.