Husband 'recycling/binning' my stuff

[MealDealDreamz]

If your husband were recycling your stuff without always checking with you first, would you be pissed off? I have too much stuff in his opinion. He will create bags of recycling and I'll ask to go through it first and find stuff that I really want but he doesn't know the value of / reason for keeping. He's taken books to charity before that had personal messages / sentimental value. He said he thought I wasn't bothered about them as I'd said one of them was crap. I bought them back at the charity shop. Now I'm off, he's talking about having a 'good clear out' and I'm feeling the pressure of using my time off to clear out stuff. While I accept that this needs to be done, and I have said I will do it, I feel this pressure to do things to his timetable. This morning I found he'd 'recycled' some of my herbs and spices as they 'were out of date' and you 'don't really use thyme'. He'd put a normal paprika to be recycled as he said we already have a paprika. (We don't. It was a hot and smoked one)
What do you think? Is he being controlling or am I a hoarder who needs taking in hand. I'm just so angry with him

I’d say to him you don’t want to use your time off to sort out throwing things out just because he doesn’t like you owning stuff. He is free to throw out his own things only, he’s not to touch anything of yours. If you have out of date herbs/food he can throw that but must make a list and buy replacements as you need them all.

if he throws any of your stuff, do you completely lose your shit at him or are you a bit sad then get over it? He needs to fear his relationship ending to stop.

How cluttered is your home? Do you have space for your belongings or are there say piles of clothes etc laying around everywhere? If your partner is going through your drawers just looking for things to throw away then he is being unreasonable. If there is cluttering laying around everywhere then you are being unreasonable. Obviously throwing out something sentimental to you is wrong, but from your OP it sounds like you are hoarding.

When a mad hoards the replies on here is to get rid of it so seems a popular thing to do

Maybe work on it?

There has to be space for what is important to you in your own home.
I hate clutter and "stuff" being in my way but I'd never chuck out anything of DHs (must be a controlling nightmare though as I do throw out old herbs and spices from thyme to thyme 😆).
If it's not in my way, it can stay. He keeps all sorts of stuff but if it's kept in it's lane and not affecting my day to day life, what right would I have to say it has to go?
I keep all sorts of stuff too, but again, it's in its place and not affecting DH one way or the other so I'd be furious if he chucked anything of mine out, too.

There was a thread on here a while ago about "stuff" and a lot of the replies were from women who thought it was perfectly okay to chuck out their partners stuff

I'm not saying that's okay, but it's interesting how the responses differ.

Nope, I would hit the roof if my DH binned anything of mine without asking. Herbs etc are not personal property so not the same thing. You decide together about reducing joint clutter. Personal stuff is a big no no! My ex DH did this a few times with personal sentimental items like gifts that he deemed junk. I’m now fiercely protective of my personal stuff. Your DH doesn’t get to decide that YOUR stuff goes in the bin.

@FancyBiscuitsLevel I totally lost my shit about the books. Like raging. He didn't think it was stuff I needed. I told him never to touch my stuff again. In fairness, until the paprika stunt, he hadn't. He apologised and I told him never to touch my stuff again. I told him to go out tomorrow and I'll tackle the bedroom. There's an excess of clothes due to a friend having a clear out of her clothes and giving me some very nice bits for work. Some of these just don't suit me so I've promised I'll recycle them.

He grew up with a v frugal/minimalist/ controlling Dad and quite a biddable mum so I think it has rubbed off on him. Sadly I grew up with a stepdad who controlled my Mum's every move so any signs at all of control and I see red. I'm stubborn I suppose. I don't like being told what to do.

My ex used to do ghis; he'd deliberately wait till I was out. He once donated to a charity shop a lovely set of cups I had been given for my birthday. We didn't need them but I loved them amd also if I were able to have a pointless collection of anything, it would definitely be crockery and kitchen stuff. It made me feel completely unwelcome in his flat that I had moved into. Also it was only my stuff he got annoyed at; if he had left a load of stuff cluttering the bench it didn't really count as mess to him. I think this is genuine in that what bothered him about my stuff is he hadn't introduced to the house and if he had moved something, he understood qhy it was left there but if I had he was free to project laziness and lack of care onto it. However, understanding his thinking doesn't change how biased and unfair it was, and so this is just one of the many reasons I ltb.

PS it's not frugal to throw OOD spices and herbs away; there is no hygiene threat so you can still use them that's why they have best before and not use by dates. It's not frugal but wasteful to throw them out

I'm living with a person who never throws anything out.

Pointless meaningless ephemera (flyers for things we didn't go to, out of date catalogues, empty chocolate boxes, packaging), broken things (dvd and cd players), things we have not used or looked at in years.

It is draining, especially knowing we have to downsize in a few years.

I have to smuggle my own books out of this house because he will rummage through and say oh I might read that, though. He won't.

Is there something like that going on with you? He's right about the OOD spices.

You sound a bit hoardy tbh

My DP has way more stuff than me and it stresses me out with the clutter and as I am the person who does most tidying and cleaning it impacts me more as well. I wouldn't throw out his stuff though but he is like you in that he wants to do things on his own timetable which is fine but it is frustrating when my experience of that is that actually it nevers happens. Agree with the PP who said big discussion is required

does she? She has one wardrobe of clothes. The books were on a bookshelf. She dared have smoked paprika as well as hot and sweet- possibly you could infer she sounds like a cook, but nothing about this is hoardy.

@MealDealDreamz I feel for you. My DH also thinks I / We have too much stuff, but instead of letting me sort it out (which I actually enjoy doing when I have time, but not with him dictating it needs to be done) he chooses to shove it all at random into cardboard boxes ..... So I don't know where it is when I need it.
Taking your personal stuff off shelves to chuck out is definitely unreasonable .

Agree
I'm your dh in this but I would never touch his stuff
He's super grumpy now because he's cleared some of his clutter....

I live with a hoarder. It fucking sucks to have junk everywhere.

Valid, didn't read that bit.

Yea but he shouldn't be the one making decisions in what you can keep!
Why not say 'hey let's do an afternoon of sorting together'.

Compatibility regarding keeping useless/unused/sentimental "stuff" and neatness and minimalism is vital if you are living together I think.

Separate houses is the solution, as I found out! I am the minimalist BTW.

Living with a hoarder is soul destroying. Not only are you hoarding your own shit, you’re taking in other peoples unwanted stuff too.

You don’t want to use your time off to clear out your clutter so when do you want to do it? How long ago did he chuck the out of date herbs before you noticed?

There's an excess of clothes due to a friend having a clear out of her clothes and giving me some very nice bits for work. Some of these just don't suit me

How long have your friends cast-offs been hanging around now? Why haven’t you sorted and got rid of the stuff that doesn’t suit?

That’s not even an all day job, it’s an hour or two at most to sort and put away the stuff you want to keep, and take to the charity shop what you’re not keeping. You could have done that today in the time you’ve used posting on here.

YANBU

Mine did in the early days, but learned not to. He once dumped a pile of paperwork on the table and told me to sort it. So I did, filled my paperwork and binned the rest because I didn’t need his letters. He was waiting for a replacement credit card that week. Phoned the bank and they said it was sent a few days before.

There's a lot of projection going on on this thread, as always. 'This is how it is in my house/family/for my friend, there are one or two possible points of similarity in the OP - busted, OP! You are EXACTLY like the problem person I know ...'

The OP doesn't sound even remotely like a hoarder. Her partner sounds as if he has a totally unrealistic idea of how much stuff most people routinely have in their homes. I'd have gone ballistic at any of my things being thrown away without consultation.

So you threw your dh's letters away?
That's exactly what op's Dh did - her books.

He shouldn’t be throwing away her belongings, however if her home is overrun with clutter then she needs to sort through her stuff. She has not answered as to how cluttered her home is, if at all. It’s very hard to determine who is being unreasonable without the full picture.

Nothing you said OP shows your partner is controlling, which is a question you asked at the beginning, I just don’t feel there is enough information for any of us to judge or give a good opinion. So with the books, you could keep the couple that are sentimental, being clear to him that they are, and ditch the rest, the dried spices, well they do lose flavour, I clear ours out sometimes as well, and there was the clothes you took in, just get them sorted, shouldn’t take long. I feel, possibly wrongly, that you wanted everyone to say he is controlling so you feel ok about keeping lots of things, but again, not enough examples in your posts on how much stuff we are talking, is there more or is it just the books? Il project a bit, my partner has way too many clothes, 80% at least never worn, they go musty, get moved about, sorted, vacuum packed, fat clothes, thin clothes, but never actually thrown out, I gently encourage him to throw/donate them, but he never does. I’d never throw them of course, but just a thought that your partner may be thinking similar, or maybe not, give some more examples if you can.