Husband 'recycling/binning' my stuff

[MealDealDreamz]

If your husband were recycling your stuff without always checking with you first, would you be pissed off? I have too much stuff in his opinion. He will create bags of recycling and I'll ask to go through it first and find stuff that I really want but he doesn't know the value of / reason for keeping. He's taken books to charity before that had personal messages / sentimental value. He said he thought I wasn't bothered about them as I'd said one of them was crap. I bought them back at the charity shop. Now I'm off, he's talking about having a 'good clear out' and I'm feeling the pressure of using my time off to clear out stuff. While I accept that this needs to be done, and I have said I will do it, I feel this pressure to do things to his timetable. This morning I found he'd 'recycled' some of my herbs and spices as they 'were out of date' and you 'don't really use thyme'. He'd put a normal paprika to be recycled as he said we already have a paprika. (We don't. It was a hot and smoked one)
What do you think? Is he being controlling or am I a hoarder who needs taking in hand. I'm just so angry with him

If he isn't the one using them then yes he should.

If anyone donated any of my books without asking I’d be fucking raging.

I'm coming down on the side of OP being something of a hoarder. Has stuff in her room from a friend which hasn't been sorted yet, and hasn't said how much there is or when she plans to sort it. "I'll tackle the bedroom" - for instance my bedroom wouldn't need "tackling", at the moment there's a bin bag of old school uniform that's been there a week waiting to go to the uniform sale in September, but nothing else I could feasibly tidy up.

Having 8 chicklit books and saying you don't like them- well, the precious ones are precious and nobody should chuck other people's books, however those kind of books are quite ephemeral and not often re-read. And it would be weird for someone to pick pit purely 8 random books of the bookshelf, and OP hasn't said why or how her DP came to do that. Yes, choosing 8 of your books and nothing else to chuck seems mean. But in the context of a general clear out, not ridiculous. Was he apologetic about the ones that were personal? OP doesn't say, which makes me think she has a reason why everything needs to be kept.

And even noticing that someone has thrown out a specific out of date paprika is bonkers. If DH goes through the kitchen food drawers chucking old condiments and herbs my response would be "oh great that looks tidier". I wouldn't even know which had gone.

Personally I’d have a sort out and get rid of anything unwanted. However clutter makes me feel stressed,

I find your DH’s attitude controlling, and I wouldn’t tolerate it. That said, I think you do need to be honest with yourself about how your home looks and feels to others, including him. If you have hoarding tendencies then of course that impacts how he feels in his own home.

However he should be helping you rationalise your possessions in a way that isn’t stressful to you. Unilaterally chucking out your belongings isn’t on. If it persists that would be a major concern.

You have to communicate better. He needs to say ‘why do we have so many herbs and spices, shall I have a clear out? You reply- no, they don’t go off, and I use everything depending on the recipe.

Have own areas and spaces- so he doesn’t touch your cupboards , and you don’t fill space in his.

DH keeps too much and I prefer to clear out. The most infuriating thing is when his stuff spills out into another space. I discovered all the beds have under bed drawers full of books, for example.

It takes a while but we negotiated a middle way without my ever throwing any of his stuff away.

Your partner needs to learn that too.

Oh right, he’s controlling and should be helping her. Not she should be helping him by managing her stuff. The op is clear this isn’t the first time, the woman is arguing over out of date spices, which is a clear indication she has an issue.

op, I know you say you’re not a hoarder but it does read like you’ve this tendency. Do you think maybe why your husband is trying to keep on top of it.?

He needs to say ‘why do we have so many herbs and spices, shall I have a clear out? You reply- no, they don’t go off, and I use everything depending on the recipe

they might not go off but do have a use by date, which is often a very long time past buying, which indicates just how old these are. And using out of date spices isn’t good , won’t make you sick but won’t be great for the food either

If you read my post properly you’ll see I then say she needs to be honest about how her home looks and feels to others, including him.

If the OP is a hoarder that is a mental condition that needs to be managed with support. It’s like telling someone in wheelchair to just try harder to walk.

Thanks for all your input. I do have some hoarder tendencies but nothing which makes the house cluttered. However, I am going to tackle the clothes TODAY as it has been there for about 2 months now (out of sight in wardrobe though). The paprika issue was a bit of a knee jerk reaction. The books issue was because we have a shared bookcase in our bedroom. He'd thinned it out for us. He'd asked me a few times to tell him what to keep and I'd not done that so he just sorted it using his best judgement. The chick lit he was right to lose but there were two books which were special to me. He perhaps thought he was helping. We've had a chat about it today. I've said he must never touch my stuff again but at the same time I will tackle the clothes and do my best with anything else. He is stressed by clutter so it's only fair that I try and minimise this stress. At the same time, I struggle with his one in/one out mentality. So if I buy a new towel his first thought is getting rid of an old one even though I've decided to use the old one for hair dyeing or swimming. So the one in/one out does bug me.
Thanks for all the different perspectives on this though

Op it’s very clear you’re a hoarder. That’s why people immediately guessed it. You’re still trying to justify why you need to keep stuff. Old stuff like out of date spices, and don’t deal with things, and then blame him for your own inaction. I strongly suspect he is like he is, as you don’t deal with things and hoard them. If you were managing appropriately you’d not need a one in one out system.

He's infantilising you.

You can recycle herbs and spices. The contents go in food waste, and the jars go to the bottle bank or plastic recycling.

He's a controlling shit by the way.

You can use them as well. They don't go off.

You clearly don’t cook much. While dried herbs may be safe to eat for a long time they lose their flavor much sooner. The time varies depending on the type of herb, the quality of the fresh herbs before they were dried and the process used to dry/pack them, and how they’ve been stored. Certainly anything older than two years won’t taste like much unless it’s been vacuum-sealed the entire time, but it many cases two years would be far too long.

I re-use my herb & spice bottles and refill when they're getting past it or running low so the bbf date doesn't count. I'd lose my shit over that, especially as some (saffron etc) are NOT cheap. Most herbs I grow and I dry some myself.
Books- he knows better than to touch. 😂

Clothes: he wouldn't have a clue what's old and for charity, but we each have a suitcase for the off season upstairs. So all winter stuff up there currently and when I change over, I also charity anything I don't like anymore. I might start vinted instead though as I do have too many.

This seems to nail it.

Coincidentally, I went through my spices last week
5 I think
One was still in date.
The others were well past their dates.
One smelt awful and one was a solid mass in the jar.
I hadn't check them lately as they weren't taken up much room in the cupboard- but they're binned now and the jars are in the bottle bank.

he is using his anxiety as an excuse to chick your stuff. No! That’s not right.

Chuck

He shouldn't throw out your clothes and your books. If you want them it's up to you. Herbs? Well, they lose their efficacy after a while but ask first? Sounds like he is controlling and you hoard a bit. Bad combination. However, I am not an advocate of say throwing out clothes you have not worn in the last six months (that would mean all my winter skirts!) or not in the last year (dress I wear for Xmas is out, then). Prune as you wish. Tell him he can sort the kitchen, but not to throw food away willy-nilly, and the bathroom etc and his own clothes and books and leave your stuff alone - it's not his!

My DH used to do this. He doesn’t any more. He doesn’t chuck anything out now without checking with me after I hit the roof a few times. How dare someone chuck your stuff out without checking with you first. I would NEVER do this. So rude.

I don’t like clutter so often have a clear out. I would throw out of date kitchen stuff away without giving it a second thought. If dp had items sitting around for months, I’d bag it up and put it in his wardrobe. I wouldn’t throw it away or donate it but I’d also not have it cluttering up room space. If someone wants to have a clear out in their own time, and that time never seems to come round, I’d suspect hoarding. I’d find that difficult to deal with.

I recently found, carefully wrapped in foil in the fridge, one-eighth of a hard-boiled egg.

My OH cannot throw away food when it's still edible.

I've also found

• a tupperware containing a single raspberry
• about a teaspoonful of Caesar's dressing
• a container of the salad that comes with a chicken tikka that no one ever eats
• half the crust - just crust, mark you - of a mini pork pie

I think that OH thinks that someone is going to eat this stuff. They're not.

'I will! ...for lunch when you're all out on Saturday.'

No, you won't.

Once a fortnight we chuck all this stuff out, knowing we're going to get told off for it.

"Where's that half-an-inch of week-old Subway meatball sandwich! It's such a waste! I was going to have that for breakfast tomorrow!"

@Grammarnut, the problem is that, as I said up thread, if you are living with a hoarder then it won't work like that. I kept my own stuff as neat and tidy as I could. I kept my own stuff to a reasonable amount. But, if I cleared a space he then saw more room for his stuff. As nature abhors a vacuum so they dislike emptyness. I ended up with the bare minimum and a house that was full of his clutter.
People who hoard are actually mentally ill. It's not a question of insufficient room, they could fill Buckingham Palace if they had enough money. It's an unwillingness to let go, coupled with an urge to accumulate. They see value in every single thing. And become distressed by stuff going out the door.