Does 'gentle parenting' work ?

[flowermo]

Let me start by saying that I am not an expert at parenting styles.

I know bits and bobs from reading articles, books, talking to other mums/ grandmas and a lot of reading on Mumsnet.

I understand there are a lot of misconceptions about gentle parenting. However let me summarise my understanding- it's about firm boundaries, but doesn't promote shouting and hitting etc and generally using fear to get your kids to behave. It encourages understanding a child's development phases and what can and cannot be expected of them at any particular stage. Helping them understand and validate feelings, negative and positive ones etc.

Another style of parenting, perhaps the authoritarian style or ' traditional ' style that was used a lot in our parents generation, is a lot more shouty. Perhaps even hitting. Children are scolded for having tantrums and punished. Parents rule with fear of shouting / hitting / scolding. Kids are often scared of their parents. I remember growing up in this kind of household, as did all of my friends really.

I would say I use something in between the two styles with my children. But more on the gentler side. I don't hit but sometimes I do shout for example. I try to understand the stage of development they're at and what I can reasonably expect from their behaviour. I try to use consequences like taking toys away or denying them treats they wanted. I don't think my kids are afraid of me. I don't think I'm a particularly good parent. Or that I'm doing things right. They misbehave and I'm often stressed out. They're still small, 2 and 4 and I'm just trying to find my way.

Anyway what I'm trying to say is. I've been speaking to some other mums of slightly older kids who are also teachers. They really think that the gentle parenting approach is hurting kids and kids are out of control more than they were in the past. More authoritarian methods work better apparently and kids should be scared of their parents and should be worried about getting in trouble ( not violence ) at home, if they mess around at school. Teachers are leaving the profession because kids are so badly behaved and parents have no control over their kids.

What do you think about this? Is gentle parenting working ? Is it true that kids are so badly behaved now ? ( doesn't every generation say that about the new generation? ).

One thing I've noticed is that if I discipline my kids in public, by slightly raising my voice, people do stare. I never see any parents doing that nowadays. It was normal to get a telling off if you messed around in public when I was a child.

I'm not trying to be divisive or judge either side of the debate. I don't know what I'm doing or whether it's right. I guess I spend most of my time thinking I should be firmer, then feeling abusive when I do shout at them. I'm also lost. I really don't want to piss anyone off. So please be kind.

@MrsSunshine2b people did baby proof in the past, but they did also teach not to touch things. Not everyone hit their kids.

Nobody is answering because there is no answer. Gentle parenting might work if you have one child and ignore the other children your child hits. As soon as you have more than one it does not work, unless your children are also gentle children by nature.
All the long explaining and validating feelings means any other children are ignored. And natural consequences mean other children suffer too.

Just to add, I have noticed those most into gently parenting tend to have had abusive parents. They do tend to think the only alternative to being a gentle parent is to parent in an abusive way as they do not understand other ways of parenting. They also tend to be frightened of anger and shouting as they associate it with abuse.

Making everything about consequences, and never about being ashamed of doing the wrong thing, means children will rule themselves by "what's in it for me".

"It's ok to do the wrong thing if I can get away with it consequence-free"

Not everything has an immediate "logical consequence" beyond disapproval.

Snatching an ice cream off a friend may have the consequence that "Mummy will end the playdate" but what if Mummy doesn't see? What if I deny it was me and get away with it? But a feeling of shame in one's conscience is internal and therefore foolproof.

Can you give examples?
you say pushing boundaries - all you have to do is not give in. I’m aware that’s harder than it sounds but you don’t always need a consequence.

Gentle parenting produces young adults who can't cope in a non-gentle world.

Kids need to be in the family but not the centre of it. Stopping to negotiate with them every two minutes makes them think the world requires their approval, which it doesn't.

Any sensible parent is gentle when they can be, firm when that doesn't work. Children need to know that some things are tough luck and the world isn't fair.

A lot of gentle parenting is based on 'we'll proceed when you're happy to do so' but that's not how things are.

I think it depends what the issue/behaviour is. But the consequence should 'natural' rather than a punishment.

I know what you mean about wanting to 'win'. That's exactly how I felt with my daughter and the shoes on before going to school incident!

What I really tried to do was take any element of winning or losing out of it. We were both working towards a common goal (we weren't - she wanted to win 🙃) but I took any sense of victory or defeat out of it.

So, when she was compliant or put her shoes on, or tidied her toys away or whatever, I thanked her, "Thank you for putting your shoes on (or whatever) so sensibly. That's really helped us because now we have time to go to the play area after we've been shopping!"

She'd 'won' in her eyes. It didnt matter that I had too. I also showed her the clock and told her where the big hand would be when we needed to leave. She couldn't tell the time but she could see the hand moving.

So, if she didn't do what she was asked/needed to or didn't do it in time, I would equally say, "No, we won't be able to go to the play area today, we've run out of time... yes, I know you've put your shoes on now but where is the big hand now? That means it's too late to go to the play area." I'm not going to pretend it worked like magic the firsr time! But it didn't take her long to get it. It's not easy. It's far easier to give in in the short term but it's much better in the long term.

But I also never added a negative. So I hear adults saying things like, "You did X really well. If only you did that all the time, it would always be like this." And there we go with the shame again. You can almost hear the child deflating. They think the child will remember that for next time but they don't because we all know that quote about not remembering what people said but how they made you feel.

As I see it, gentle parenting is just parenting. Not permissive. Not abusive. A middle ground.
yes I still occasionally shout but I’m not going to scream and shout every time my 2 year old says no or doesn’t do things first time or has a tantrum. Everyone would be miserable.
When I say no I mean no. They don’t always get their own way. I don’t negotiate with them. Boundaries are held and consequences that make sense are given when needed.

what other parenting is there?

Not true. Quite confused by this response. Why would it not work with two children?
how do you deal with a child hurting their sibling in a non-gentle parenting way?
for us - we deal with the hurt child first and comfort them before dealing with the one did the hurting.
a conversation can still be had.
a consequence can still be given.

It is age appropriate - they have to be taught it is not acceptable. I gentle parent, any hitting etc from my two children is decreasing in my house constantly. My 5 year old will occasionally snatch a toy aggressively from his 2 year old sister or sometimes hit her if she ruins her play but he always is spoken to firmly and a consequence given. My 2 year old currently likes to scratch or hit of something isn’t going her way but she is getting much better at it.

I don’t condone it. I am actively teaching them what to do instead.

Really well explained! ♥️

@GreyCarpet just gave an explanation that only works if you have one child and no other deadlines. If you have a younger child refusing to get dressed and a child you need to take to school, you may not have the time to negotiate with the younger child so the older child gets to school on time.

A child who is hurt needs comforting in the moment. So you ignore the child who has hurt and deal with them later. For very young children ten minutes later may be too long, it is best in the moment. So no don't hit your sister in the moment, then a calm discussion later.

I think she is right that shame is rarely acknowledged as an emotion. But it is semantics when she talks about anger. What she calls crossness I call anger.
She is also wrong that learning to accurately label emotions means you can control them or that they then have less impact. Lots of abusive people can accurately say they feel angry, it does nothing to change their abuse.
Understanding ourselves as we get older can help us to regulate our emotions if we choose to, but it is only part of the puzzle.

I disagree that gentle parenting is creating badly behaved kids. I think no parenting or trying to be their friend or trying to avoid conflict with their child is what is causing the problem for teachers. And I am a teacher.

The amount of secondary aged kids who rule home and the parents do whatever they want is a problem. I shouldn't be having to advise parents how to stop their kid texting or gaming until 3am.

Gentle parenting is putting in boundaries. I am more on that path, but sometimes I shout or don't use wording that is gentle. Because I am human.

For me gentle parenting is how good teachers manage a class of 30. I might raise my voice to get attention because I am outnumbered, but I don't shout. I talk and explain, and I give consequences that follow a pattern so students know the routine and expectations. I've heard parents shouting and name calling to a five year old before and thought there is no way I would want to be spoke to like that, there is no way I would want my kid spoken to like that, and lastly, I didn't like being spoken to like that as a kid.

Gentle parenting is explaining so they can understand the expectations, setting expectations and boundaries and sticking to them, but making sure that the child feels heard and understands all emotions are valid we just need to show them in a suitable manner... Which is how I want to be spoken to.

I am pretty tired of gentle parenting being blamed for bad behaviour. Parents need to step up and parent and stop being scared their kid with throw a fit.

For the 3am gamer or texter put the boundary in that the Internet goes off at 9pm, or phones remain downstairs in a box after 9am. No phones or devices in bedrooms, that this time can be extended at weekends and compromise the time here to support your child beginning to make healthy choices etc. So many ways to support our children to grow in to well rounded adults.

My eldest may have adhd. Gentle parenting is definitely more supportive for him.

Everyone is different but I personally would not be happy with incidents of hitting merely "decreasing constantly".

A 5yo should not be hitting a 2yo.

It does more harm to the 2yo to be hit, even in a constantly decreasing way, than the merely theoretical harm to the 5yo of being made ashamed of attacking his sister so he actually stops doing it.

@BookArt why did you have to say you would not be happy for a parent to shout and name call a 5 year old? No one thinks calling a 5 year old names is good parenting, but it is not the same as shouting.
Some cultures are naturally more shouty even when happy. Although I think this is also semantics at play here. One persons shouting is another persons raised voice.

I actually don't think most of the kids playing up are gentle parented. I think they're ignored - parents at work, on phones etc. Some kids I've seen poorly behaving their parents absolutely bellow at. Some people I know of whose kids behave poorly I know agree with corporal punishment. So I actually don't think it's gentle parenting at all that is responsible for any perceived changes in children.

But surely this is the case with any way of parenting?! If you have more than one, your often have to choose which one to deal with first?!

So can you tell me how you ensure a child never ever hits? May I make it clear that it is incredibly rare and we are not talking about him beating his 2 year old sister! He occasionally swipes at her arm if she’s winding him up. How should it be dealt with?

hitting is normal in early childhood and it decreases as they get older. Also in what house do sibling never ever argue? And when they are young, occasional Hitting etc is normal.

you say you wouldn’t be happy with it decreasing - so you want it to never happen? Happen once and you magically make it stop permanently?

what should be done?

because I think we can all agree that meeting anger with anger, shouting, shaming or reacting physically only creates angry young people? We know this as a fact.

This is what people don't understand when they are asking about what happens when they are teenagers, etc

If you parent this way and do it properly, you have less need to give consequences as time goes by. There is no, "What happens when they're teenagers?" because, done properly, you will have raised self aware, reflective, emotionally literate teens who operate with as much respect and empathy as they have been shown and there aren't as many issues to deal with in the first place.

Do they always get it right? No.

But are they decent people? Generally, yes.

It worked with mine anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️ (although I wouldn't have described what I did as gentle parenting because I don't think it was a thing back then).

Will also add that my 5 year old has is one of the kindest children I know and has just had a glowing school report about what a good friend he is and how he is always setting a good example etc.
also always had glowing reports from him throughout his time at nursery too.
my 5 year old is a good child! Siblings fight.

Except that I have two children...

And I was a single parent with no family support. And I worked full time. So yes, plenty of additional pressures.

It will be interesting to see how this pans out in the future too.

Both of my children were always praised at school for having high emotional intelligence.

So it's definitely not a way to raise self indulgent, poorly adjusted, egotistical nightmares. If done properly.

I've never had a complaint about their behaviour from anyone.

100% this. It’s conflict avoidance. Kids need to get angry and learn to handle it. They also need to see that mummy and daddy will get angry and handle it. Conflict is not abuse.

Completely agree with every word of this.