Male friend upset me for ridiculous reason

[pussinboots61]

This is very over the top but I'm very upset. A close male friend of mine, who I confide in over my anxiety, has kicked off (edited by MNHQ) over something so trivial it's unreal. But because I am an anxious person and live on my nerves it's pushing me to the limit.

It's all over a handbag, yes really. The strap had gone on my handbag and the part where it connects was fraying. I was going to buy a new bag but he said I could get it repaired so today I took it to the cobblers and got it mended.

I saw my friend earlier and all was fine. Later I messaged him to tell him my bag is sorted and he replied to say its only cost me £16 to get it mended and I was going to get a new bag. Just conversation, I thought nothing of it and said at least it's sorted now.

But then he went on about it, asked me why was I going to buy a new bag in the first place without thinking of getting it mended myself. I told him it's no longer an issue. Then he told me all I do is listen ro my stress and I'm wasting his time and not to go to him when I'm in a mess.

I couldn't believe it. I got upset and told him so and said I was going for a walk to calm down. When I got home he'd sent me a message telling me to be careful and that he'd go and look for his dummy, more or less admitting that he was in the wrong.

He's usually such a warm caring person, everyone who knows him says the same. I dont know how to handle this at all. Such a normal day and then he kicks off about a handbag and blames my anxiety. Should I just leave him to come round or tell him where to stick it but I don't want to lose him as a friend as he's not usually like this.

Ah Mumsnet. Wonderful Mumsnet.

The OP comes on to talk about her anxiety over a handbag strap and we get four pages solid of discussion over the phrase 'throwing a paddy.'

Meanwhile the OP is probably now even more anxious, because a) accidental racism and b) most people are ignoring her handbag/friendship problem.

Anyway:

Then he told me all I do is listen ro my stress and I'm wasting his time and not to go to him when I'm in a mess.

He's getting compassion fatigue. He thinks you have what they call 'learned helplessness' and you should try to be more resilient and more self reliant. He doesn't have the time or the energy to listen to, or solve every little issue in your life. He's his own person, not your personal 24/7 therapist, brow soother and sounding board.

I couldn't believe it. I got upset and told him so and said I was going for a walk to calm down.

I think you probably just proved my point above.

I dont know how to handle this at all.

You try to handle it like an emotionally well balanced person would do. Remind yourself that other people have off-days and problems of their own. Don't hyper-focus on it being all about you. Reflect on whether he has a point. Do you offload too much onto him? Do you treat him more as your personal carer/ support assistant than a friend? Does he ever get to use you as an emotional crutch, or is it completely one-sided? Try to be really honest with yourself, if you are capable of that.

Such a normal day and then he kicks off about a handbag and blames my anxiety.

It was still a normal day. It's your dramatic over-reaction to a friend being a bit short with you that's not entirely normal. You need to try to get some perspective. Instead of wondering why he is feeling like that, all you've done it turn it back on yourself and your feelings.

This is about your anxiety. Remember what he said: that all you do is listen to your stress. You are wasting his time by constantly going to him whenever you feel in a mess.

No one is talking about the name Paddy. 🙄

You quite frequently have minor friendship issues don't you OP? Agree with PP that your anxiety may be making you somewhat self-absorbed. I'd move on from this very minor spat if your friend is willing to.

Fairly obviously, the message to take away from this is to stop unloading your anxieties onto this friend. Are you getting counselling?

Because this is Mumsnet, where it seems a full 50% of women think that if a man is being nice, it's because he wants sex. If he's not being nice any more then he's clearly already had sex with you.

No other explanation is possible.

Ridiculous. Not offensive in the context OP used it.

This. And bloody hell Such a normal day and then he kicks off about a handbag and blames my anxiety.
Do you actually see him as a person in his own right @pussinboots61 ? Or just a support human who has to sit in silence listening to your talking and counselling you? Absolutely draining!

If you read the dictionary link OP provided, there are two meanings to the word. One is a slur and the other is a term for being angry. In the latter context - the way in which OP used it - it’s not intended to cause offence. Context is everything - but clearly that doesn’t mean a thing on MN.

There wasn’t one.

It was an opportunity for someone to take offence at something. When non was intended or even conveyed

To ridiculously quote the dictionary meaning of the word Paddy, which clearly shows several different meanings of the word.

(Paddy is a derivative of Patrick, therefore you are calling all Irish people by the same name )

Can English people stop using the phrase ‘throw a paddy’. It’s bigoted and degrading and bordering on racist. Just bloody stop.

Particularly offensive in the context OP (presumably unwittingly used it). RTFT.

Doh . It was tongue in cheek as some PPs are getting so riled up about it and ignoring that the OP posted for advice . 🙄

He's getting compassion fatigue. He thinks you have what they call 'learned helplessness' and you should try to be more resilient and more self reliant. He doesn't have the time or the energy to listen to, or solve every little issue in your life. He's his own person, not your personal 24/7 therapist, brow soother and sounding board

This
Also in running to him with every minor issue you are giving him an opinion on it.
Then you are upset because you don't like his opinion
You really dont need to tell him minor everyday things like this.
Have you had any counselling Op?

How do you know it's the English people saying it? Where are we declaring where we are from when we write a post?

Because I've never known it used anywhere else tbh.

But England is full of different cultures....not everyone in England is English

I agree. He was obviously sorry for his little outburst.

However, op, it isn't a good idea to keep offloading on to others. The person in whom you continually confide will also have problems from time to time.

Whatever culture you hail from -

Kindly listen please and kindly stop! People find it offensive.

It sounds like you use him as a bit of a sounding board and he's fed up with it.

He's your friend, not your therapist.

I do it only for dc and dh - I pretended years ago the anxiety went away, they were on my case daily to sort it out, so I now pretend to them 'I am training', also, where I live walking briskly v.late at night or v.early morning is dodgy af, whilst if you put on a bright-coloured jogging outfit, it sends a safe and calm message. I don't want dc and dh to worry again and frankly, I don't want them to be on my case again.

Ah ffs it’s hardly going to be our own Irish people using it

OP you may want to start a new thread without the word 'paddy' in it if you actually do want some advice.

I grew up in England around a fair amount of Irish jockeys who used the word all the time, I'm English and used it as well not thinking about the history of it, I just thought it was a normal thing to say for having a strop. I didn't actually realise it was offensive until I was well into my 30s.

Whether people personally find it offensive or not, obviously others do in particular Irish people so just stop using it, not using the word isn't going to harm you.

@Yepamilone so just blame English people then. Couldn't be Scottish people or any other could it?

Irish people, in Ireland, do not use this phrase.

🙄