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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband refused to help

120 replies

Alwaystalkingaboutpoo · 10/08/2024 23:19

Hi, for context I have bad health anxiety so worry a lot about my 3 year old child especially when unwell. Recently he had a suspected episode which an ambulance was called as it was unclear if he’d had a seizure or fainted etc. We were taken to hospital where drs said they couldn’t pin point the cause/exactly what had happened but all obs were fine so he was referred to ‘first fit’ clinic as a precaution.

My question is related to my husband being unwilling to help watch my son overnight for a few hours so I could rest without worrying about him in case he had another ‘episode’. I co-sleep with him and was very worried that he would have an episode in the night so I was struggling to sleep at all. I asked my husband if he could come and watch him for a few hours so I could rest knowing he was being watched over. That was still early evening (9pm ish) so I knew my husband would be up til at least midnight. I am pregnant so I go to bed early and I was also exhausted from the stress of the day. He refused as he said he isn’t going to pander to my health anxiety and watch a child that doesn’t need watching and lose his own sleep/time out. He felt reassured by drs and didn’t believe he was going to have another episode again and said even if he did I could just call him on the phone to come and help.

AIBU to have asked him to help me in this?

I am hurt that he didn’t see my need for a rest from the stress of it and struggle with health anxiety as reason enough to help me, regardless of the fact my son may or may not have another episode. He says he has ‘boundaries’ when it comes to how he will support me and would not pander to it if it meant he had to sit a watch a child sleep when ‘it wasn’t necessary’. I think that’s cold and hurtful.

My son went on to have another episode the following day which has helped drs to pin point that it isn’t likely to be seizures but he is still under investigation as to what is happening.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alwaystalkingaboutpoo · 10/08/2024 23:23

Jay to clarify, I meant ‘watch’ our child in the sense that he just sit on the bed with him and watch his phone/laptop so still relax and have his time.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 10/08/2024 23:28

I think YABU here although I do sympathise with you due to your health anxiety I don't think your husband is wrong to say no to this.

SheddingCat · 10/08/2024 23:29

yanbu. Even if it’s nothing to worry about, he could have just given you time to rest. Especially as you are pregnant. How is he otherwise, he seems a bit crap with helping you overall.

patchworkbear · 10/08/2024 23:30

I'm glad your son is being investigated further. You husband sounds like a selfish bastard. What's he like in other areas?

DillyDilly · 10/08/2024 23:30

I’m with your DH on this, if your DS needed to be watched 24/7, you would have been advised of this by the hospital or they would have admitted him. It sounds like you are overly cautious with your DS and as your DH said, he’s not going to pander to your anxieties.

How are you going to manage co-sleeping with a three year old, along with a newborn ?

Applebyapples · 10/08/2024 23:31

I do sympathise regarding your health anxieties, I suffer with some anxiety too and it's a horrible feeling. Gently however, I feel YABU. Unless the hospital told you your son needed constant watching, it's not reasonable to expect your husband to spend hours supervising him when it's not necessary. I hope you find out what the cause of his problem is and it's not too serious

patchworkbear · 10/08/2024 23:32

Of course she's overly anxious about her son- epilepsy or unexplained seizures are horrible to witness.

I co- slept with a newborn and toddler following all the lullaby trust guidelines. No issues.

HelloMiss · 10/08/2024 23:32

I'm also with your DH

What help are you getting with this anxiety? It sounds out of control

StormingNorman · 10/08/2024 23:33

He’s right not to indulge your health anxiety. It won’t help you and it proved to be unnecessary. So he was right in his judgement of the situation.

You need to take care of your mental health and not use your husband as a crutch to enable your illness.

PizzaFecker · 10/08/2024 23:34

I'm with your DH you wouldn't have been sent home without monitoring if he needed it

Butterfly43 · 10/08/2024 23:34

I think I agree with your DH to be honest, although he probably could've worded it more nicely. Health anxiety is awful and you have my sympathies, but you can't expect others to pander to it. As a PP said, if your son required 24/7 obs you'd have been told he had to stay in the hospital. Are you getting any support for your health anxiety?

Meadowfinch · 10/08/2024 23:34

So you wanted your husband to sit and watch a sleeping child. He thought it was unnecessary as the drs had said he was ok.

Certainly your dh should do whatever he can to calm your anxiety especially while you are pregnant but wouldn't it be easier to set a baby monitor up in the child's room?

I know that if I was asked to watch a sleeping child for a few hours, I would go to sleep, so it would be a fairly pointless exercise.

Edingril · 10/08/2024 23:37

You need to deal with your anxiety it is not an endless excuse people can use to control others, no you should not asked this of anyone

And yes you will and have replies from other people who anxiety issues who disagree with this but doesn't make it right

Original poster
Alwaystalkingaboutpoo · 10/08/2024 23:39

DillyDilly · 10/08/2024 23:30

I’m with your DH on this, if your DS needed to be watched 24/7, you would have been advised of this by the hospital or they would have admitted him. It sounds like you are overly cautious with your DS and as your DH said, he’s not going to pander to your anxieties.

How are you going to manage co-sleeping with a three year old, along with a newborn ?

Oh, not concerned about the cosleeping with newborn etc. I have done much research into cosleeping since my son was born and have a very through plan for how to transition/adapt his sleeping situation around newborn. Cosleeping with my first was not planned but has evolved after many sleepless nights and now it suits us all very well. I am, jwowver aware that safely cosleeping with both a toddler and newborn is harder to achieve so have plans in place to help him adapt nearer the time. ATM it’s about survival! I have hyperemesis also and have been very unwell in pregnancy both times so atm sleep is my only respite.

OP posts:
Kirstyshine · 10/08/2024 23:39

@DillyDilly
’How are you going to manage co-sleeping with a three year old, along with a newborn ?’

3yo, mum, newborn is how lots of mothers all over the world do it, no probs. If mum’s inbetween and breastfeeds it’s v v low risk.

Original poster
Alwaystalkingaboutpoo · 10/08/2024 23:40

TomatoSandwiches · 10/08/2024 23:28

I think YABU here although I do sympathise with you due to your health anxiety I don't think your husband is wrong to say no to this.

Thanks for the sympathy. It is rather hellish at times like this xx

OP posts:
MrsKeats · 10/08/2024 23:41

Call him on the phone?
Where is he going?

Reddog1 · 10/08/2024 23:44

I think I’m with your husband on this OP but I genuinely sympathise with anxiety. It’s a git of a thing.

Original poster
Alwaystalkingaboutpoo · 10/08/2024 23:44

Kirstyshine · 10/08/2024 23:39

@DillyDilly
’How are you going to manage co-sleeping with a three year old, along with a newborn ?’

3yo, mum, newborn is how lots of mothers all over the world do it, no probs. If mum’s inbetween and breastfeeds it’s v v low risk.

Yes! Many options if he doesn’t stay in his bed all night. Thanku ❤️I will try to transition him to start on his own bed so I can relax more if possible but will ensure he is on one side with my back to him and facing baby should he need the closeness he’s used to in the night. I will surely miss him too so would be happy to continue with both perhaps once new andditin isn’t so newborn if my toddler doesn’t decide his own bed is better of course!! 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Alwaystalkingaboutpoo · 10/08/2024 23:45

MrsKeats · 10/08/2024 23:41

Call him on the phone?
Where is he going?

The living room I assume!😂 He stays up late so I was hoping to get some hours in before he went to bed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alwaystalkingaboutpoo · 10/08/2024 23:45

Reddog1 · 10/08/2024 23:44

I think I’m with your husband on this OP but I genuinely sympathise with anxiety. It’s a git of a thing.

Thanku ❤️ It is.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 10/08/2024 23:47

YANBU. What a prick.

Original poster
Alwaystalkingaboutpoo · 10/08/2024 23:48

Edingril · 10/08/2024 23:37

You need to deal with your anxiety it is not an endless excuse people can use to control others, no you should not asked this of anyone

And yes you will and have replies from other people who anxiety issues who disagree with this but doesn't make it right

Ouch. Not sure I’m endlessly controlling anyone. I would do the same for someone if I knew I could relieve their stress a little . Surely it’s about meeting the person you love where they are at and trying to ease a struggle if it doesn’t put you out excessively. I would do that in a heartbeat.

OP posts:
Edingril · 10/08/2024 23:53

Alwaystalkingaboutpoo · 10/08/2024 23:48

Ouch. Not sure I’m endlessly controlling anyone. I would do the same for someone if I knew I could relieve their stress a little . Surely it’s about meeting the person you love where they are at and trying to ease a struggle if it doesn’t put you out excessively. I would do that in a heartbeat.

Show quote history

I meant people overall using anxiety as a constant not you personally, there is a difference in helping each other out and 'i have anxiety you need to what I say'

Then people come on here and want to be told by others want they want to hear and nothing changes but if it works for you fine

Original poster
Alwaystalkingaboutpoo · 10/08/2024 23:53

SheddingCat · 10/08/2024 23:29

yanbu. Even if it’s nothing to worry about, he could have just given you time to rest. Especially as you are pregnant. How is he otherwise, he seems a bit crap with helping you overall.

That was my view. The situation is what it is. It hurt that he knew that and didn’t want to put himself out to help. I ended up setting my alarm for every hour or so to check on him so I could at least relax. In general he is very good. He struggles to be very empathetic with my anxiety though, although attempts to be until he loses patience. I think he finds it very frustrating that I can’t just logic my way out of it as he would. He says he’s never felt fear or anxiety which he cannot rid his brain of with some logic. 🫠

OP posts: