Husband refused to help

[Alwaystalkingaboutpoo]

Hi, for context I have bad health anxiety so worry a lot about my 3 year old child especially when unwell. Recently he had a suspected episode which an ambulance was called as it was unclear if he’d had a seizure or fainted etc. We were taken to hospital where drs said they couldn’t pin point the cause/exactly what had happened but all obs were fine so he was referred to ‘first fit’ clinic as a precaution.

My question is related to my husband being unwilling to help watch my son overnight for a few hours so I could rest without worrying about him in case he had another ‘episode’. I co-sleep with him and was very worried that he would have an episode in the night so I was struggling to sleep at all. I asked my husband if he could come and watch him for a few hours so I could rest knowing he was being watched over. That was still early evening (9pm ish) so I knew my husband would be up til at least midnight. I am pregnant so I go to bed early and I was also exhausted from the stress of the day. He refused as he said he isn’t going to pander to my health anxiety and watch a child that doesn’t need watching and lose his own sleep/time out. He felt reassured by drs and didn’t believe he was going to have another episode again and said even if he did I could just call him on the phone to come and help.

AIBU to have asked him to help me in this?

I am hurt that he didn’t see my need for a rest from the stress of it and struggle with health anxiety as reason enough to help me, regardless of the fact my son may or may not have another episode. He says he has ‘boundaries’ when it comes to how he will support me and would not pander to it if it meant he had to sit a watch a child sleep when ‘it wasn’t necessary’. I think that’s cold and hurtful.

My son went on to have another episode the following day which has helped drs to pin point that it isn’t likely to be seizures but he is still under investigation as to what is happening.

He’s very good usually! Very hands on with out son. But this is a sticking point. He cannot empathise with my anxiety for long and finds it frustrating that I can’t just logic my way through it when it comes up. He claims to have never felt fear or anxiety that he cannot simply address and put out of his head with a bit of logic. 🫠Oh how I wish I could. Health anxiety especially is debilitating and terrifying when it rears its head. I have had counselling for it before so I take it seriously. But regardless, if someone I love was struggling with whatever, and i could help without excessively putting myself out I wouldn’t even question doing so. It felt a bit of an action to make a point that he won’t be dictated to by my mental health issues which frankly seems a bit paranoid and macho.

YANBU at all

Your request was a small one and quite reasonable- what a tiny thing to ask of a father to watch over his sick child for a few hours - when he would be up anyway - so that his pregnant wife could get some rest.

You wouldn’t even need to have health anxiety to be concerned in these circumstances.

Is this the first night? If so he's anarse and should have helped.

Thankyou ❤️

Exactly what I’d said to him. It isn’t so unusual to be worried in that situation and struggle to relax and sleep.

Yes the night after the ambulance call and we’d been in hospital all day.

Is he generally an equal parent?

what are you doing / what help are you getting about health anxiety?

Being concerned about your child in these circumstances is not health anxiety, it’s being a parent, and your lackadaisical and selfish dick of a husband refused to prioritise his sick child and pregnant wife for the sake of a few hours of bullshit scrolling on his phone.

I bet he thinks he’s a super nice guy but no, not in this instance. Nope. Selfish jerk. And a shit parent.

@Alwaystalkingaboutpoo

Then I'm with you he should have done it ❤️

It's not something you can do indefinitely but I think the first night is reasonable. Not an over reaction at all.

Your h may or may not be right in feeling that you were overly anxious OP but I think he ought not to have been so unkind in his treatment of you.
He sounds cold & selfish, I would be serving the very same back to him in the future. When you're stronger & he needs help & support treat him just like he treated you!

Ouch. Not sure I’m endlessly controlling anyone. I would do the same for someone if I knew I could relieve their stress a little . Surely it’s about meeting the person you love where they are at and trying to ease a struggle if it doesn’t put you out excessively. I would do that in a heartbeat.

The problem is that it doesn't relieve the stress. Your brain is telling you lies. His isn't. If he allows the lies your brain is telling you to control him, that's an issue. You know that checking and other anxious behaviour work in the very short term; in the moment they make you feel better. But longer term it feeds the anxiety. If he joins in, both of you are feeding it. And it's a monster that gets bigger the more you feed it.

Now, I'm not anxious and I would definitely have watched DD just after being in hospital! I don't know that you were anxious in that moment so much as a normal mum. Staying awake all night is different.

So this example is 50:50 but typically he shouldn't be joining in with your anxious behaviours, no.

I do think your DH was the unreasonable one here OP. I think after an episode where they haven't categorically ruled out epilepsy, the sensible option would be to keep a close eye on your son. I don't suffer with anxiety, however, this would worry me and I'd be very worried about another episode happening so soon after the first.

But also, I agree with what you've said about it not being a big ask of your DH either - he knows you suffer with anxiety, you'd had a stressful situation and the least he could have done is sit with your child for a few hour a) to make sure he didn't have another episode and b) to give you some rest.

I do get what has been said about the hospital not advising 24/7 supervision etc, however, losing sleep for one night would be totally worth it for peace of mind.

Your husband is a pig, I can't believe you're about to have another child with this man. Have a serious talk with him and set some expectations

I have to agree with this. Are you planning to get help for your health anxiety, or just ruining your marriage / kids lives?

The child doesn't have epilepsy or seizures, though.

WOW do not blame your anxiety you are a mother…trust your gut. Plus your pregnant! Your a team? 100% he should of done it! 100% you what u feel is valid totally unacceptable

and ill add your not alone my childs father is the same as are alot of my friends! They arent the same as the older generation! its a disgrace that u even have to question this

Surely any parent would be concerned after their child had been in hospital and would be monitoring them in those circumstances the night after. The least he could do for a few hours, especially when he wasn’t going to bed. That’s not health anxiety. It’s not like OP was asking him to do that every night.

I assume he gets a good nights sleep every night whilst you co sleep with 3yo.

This

I would've done the same as your husband, perhaps phrased it better. I do think agreeing to unnecessary behaviours to satisfy your health anxiety is unhelpful, and will only reinforce your anxiety as the “right” thing to do when it’s clearly not.

Are you taking steps to try to overcome the health anxiety? I can only imagine this becoming more of an issue with childbirth, a new baby and post natal recovery thrown into the mix.

I agree with you op, he was awake anyway, and could having downtime watching a laptop anyway, not that that matters. You don't get regular guaranteed down time as parents.

Yep, he could have said ‘ok, i’ll watch, you go to bed’. He could have gone to watch tv once you’re asleep, win win for all. You would have slept knowing he is in charge.
This seems like a simple miscommunication.

Are u male of female can i ask? Forget anxiety lets talk about being a parent…its a disgrace. Its a team and when someones pregnant? Jesus do u know how hard and tiring that is take aside a traumatic event with another child? Its disgraceful!

OP’s gut was wrong. The child did not have another episode during the time she wanted her husband to watch them. Everything was fine.

Are u serious? Sorry i disagree the child had another episode…her gut was right. It might not of been at the time she asked but it definitely come. Shes pregnant tired…and worried about her child with no support…are u telling me
thats right?