Husband refused to help

[Alwaystalkingaboutpoo]

Hi, for context I have bad health anxiety so worry a lot about my 3 year old child especially when unwell. Recently he had a suspected episode which an ambulance was called as it was unclear if he’d had a seizure or fainted etc. We were taken to hospital where drs said they couldn’t pin point the cause/exactly what had happened but all obs were fine so he was referred to ‘first fit’ clinic as a precaution.

My question is related to my husband being unwilling to help watch my son overnight for a few hours so I could rest without worrying about him in case he had another ‘episode’. I co-sleep with him and was very worried that he would have an episode in the night so I was struggling to sleep at all. I asked my husband if he could come and watch him for a few hours so I could rest knowing he was being watched over. That was still early evening (9pm ish) so I knew my husband would be up til at least midnight. I am pregnant so I go to bed early and I was also exhausted from the stress of the day. He refused as he said he isn’t going to pander to my health anxiety and watch a child that doesn’t need watching and lose his own sleep/time out. He felt reassured by drs and didn’t believe he was going to have another episode again and said even if he did I could just call him on the phone to come and help.

AIBU to have asked him to help me in this?

I am hurt that he didn’t see my need for a rest from the stress of it and struggle with health anxiety as reason enough to help me, regardless of the fact my son may or may not have another episode. He says he has ‘boundaries’ when it comes to how he will support me and would not pander to it if it meant he had to sit a watch a child sleep when ‘it wasn’t necessary’. I think that’s cold and hurtful.

My son went on to have another episode the following day which has helped drs to pin point that it isn’t likely to be seizures but he is still under investigation as to what is happening.

Surely any parent would be concerned after their child had been in hospital and would be monitoring them in those circumstances the night after. The least he could do for a few hours, especially when he wasn’t going to bed. That’s not health anxiety

It is though. If the hospital had of been worried and felt that level of monitoring was necessary, the child would have been admitted for said level of observation. I’ve been there on both sides of the coin. But they weren’t, because they didn’t need it. That’s what the DH pointed out and when he was told he was wrong, he pointed out he wasn’t and that the issue was her health anxiety, which would be correct in this scenario.

I think its toxic to talk about anxiety…as a mother in that position with a child whos pregnant…thats not anxiety thats what any other mother wouldnfeel at that time we would be worried sick amd anxiety comes with it!

Yes so basically the issue is not an actual need to do something it is husband didn't do what the wife wanted so now he is being labelled unreasonable

And what has being pregnant got to do with any of this pregnancy does not take away a person's brain

I am clearly in the minority here. But my partner would 100% watch our child while I got a few hours sleep especially if he was going to be up anyway. He may not offer off his own back but if I asked he most definitely would. And the fact your son had another ‘episode’ to me seams to validate your concern and want to monitor him.

But presumably you don't have a mental health condition like health anxiety, so giving in to your unreasonable worry isn't going to make things worse. Those of us with similar conditions know that (hard as it is) refusing to give in to our anxiety is almost always best. And it is certainly unreasonable to expect others to pander to it.

Try getting one of those baby monitors that checks for oxygen levels, heart rate, temperature, roll overs etc. if this is what it comes to help you feel better. How many nights can you do this for?

I think people are being a bit harsh here. I absolutely agree. I would do the same. As a mum with a poorly child I get that until you have answers you would watch him. Especially at night. I can see why your husband would say no, but to not reassure you or find a middle ground with you is so selfish. Why should you be the only one to look out for him?

Thanks for all the comments! Both ways. Just for extra info: I’m totally aware of the need to try to resist the compulsion to check and seek reassurance and work hard on this. I have a very vast knowledge after years of suffering on and off. However, this takes time, practice and for many years I have worked in this through counselling and similar therapies. He is totally aware of that and wouldn’t meet me where I was on that day because he seemed to deem it was giving in and just didn’t want to take time out to do that. Fair about if he chooses not to but I didn’t see it as the kind and most empathetic choice in that moment seeing as I was feeling worried . Magnified by the fact that most parents would be very concerned anyway I didn’t feel I was telling him what to do, I was asking for his help to help me cope in an extreme situation where my heath anxiety was being particularly challenged. I totally expect people to have differing opinions of course which is why I posted. My husband did after all! But don’t change that I personally would want to help someone int he situation they are in. If someone had depression and asked me to sit with them to help them feel safer in a particularly bad episode, for example I would no question. It seems people can believe that anxiety is more in the person control, my husband included. Both are mental health issues and both are hard to control for the person and there is no quick fix. Just because you have sought therapy and try to follow the recommendations doesn’t mean you don’t still suffer. The hospital did not mention to monitor 24 hours but did tell us to monitor him and video and repeat episodes. Plus I believe it is natural to closely watch your child when he has a had an episode suitable for an ambulance to be called and epilepsy to be queried. DH relaxed all evening and slept soundly all night where was I could not. For reasonable or unreasonable ‘mental health’ reasons, that was not in my control at the time. Anyone who has seriously suffered knows trying to override the fears when your child’s wellbeing feels at risk is terrifying. Personally I’d help my partner if that was the reality and he knew it was.

I have family members who get anxious about all sorts of things and often come to me for reassurance / support. I can see how you feel your dh is being unsympathetic but it could actually his way of saying ‘I’m showing you he’s ok’. It takes energy to be the rock who presents as all is fine too, the one who says this is not something to worry about, see? We can’t show our lesser anxieties because we have to be strong for you. We know it’s not good for you to get caught up in your need to check and ruminate.
He’s modelling not letting it affect your life. He could have said sure I’ll watch him and then ignored him which would have calmed you down, which would have been easier.

#teamhusband here. I have a relative with health anxiety. She can’t be reassured! If she has an x-ray, results are normal, no…they might have missed something, blood tests normal? No…maybe they haven’t checked everything, CT scans, normal, not enough for her, she wants an MRI…on and on it goes. Pandering to her just reinforces that ‘she’s right!’ It’s utterly exhausting!

Would all the team DH parents not be extra vigilant after their child had had a seizure type episode especially straight after even if the hospital had said you don’t have to monitor 24/7 but do monitor them. I’m not saying they would have to take it in turns to stay awake every night but the first night I would be monitoring. Little one might also have been worried about being in hospital too.

I assume DH would be worried that it would escalate into being asked to monitor every night and that is why he refused, but actually that first night I would have thought most parents would have been unsettled by their child having that sort of episode

YABU. but there have been many replies on here supporting your husbands view and it hasn’t changed your view that he is being unkind/unreasonable etc. so it doesn’t matter what others think. It’s how you feel you’re being supported by someone that should love you. If you need him to support you whether or not it’s reasonable and he won’t, how is your future looking. You’ll build and build resentment. It doesn’t sound good for your marriage OP. Not your husbands actions but your response. Also all the constant co-sleeping away from your husband is another red flag for me. That’s not a life. You may be satisfied and think it’s fine. Your husband may even agree for a good nights sleep but regardless it’s not a good way of life. It’s not like partners who choose to sleep separately and can come together in the morning/evening in bed before moving to their own space. You must be with your child/ren (when baby born) constantly. I hope you find a way to understand your husbands point of view or the future will be difficult. Your health worries whether you can control them yet or not are yours alone. Nobody should have to act differently because of them.

If you're this bad now, what are you going to be like with 2 kids under your belt? You'll end up cracking up OP.

Your husband has drawn a boundary. There are machines you can buy to monitor sleep if you can't get to grips with your mental health

Interesting viewpoint. You and I obviously differ in many aspects of how we run a family etc. you have made many assumptions here on things you do not know about but also what makes a successful family life. FYI, my husband has chosen to sleep separately and is 100% encouraging of how we parent and in general is very supportive. He is a strong willed guy and doesn’t just go along with things. I think your post says more about your bias in how families ‘should’ work rather than my family which is interesting to me. I wouldn’t comment generally about someone else’s marriage health unless I had much more general information. Sorry to be defensive but I defend my family dynamic and don’t welcome strangers commenting generally about whether I generally understand my husbands viewpoint and how me operate in other areas. I have not commented on that so you should you shouldn’t either. I won’t however spend time explaining and defending our general family decisions to someone I haven’t met. Do better and appreciate people have different ways to raise a family, different knowledge of what ‘normal’ looks like and how best to raise children.

Lack of sleep will not help anxiety ffs he could have given you a one off so you were more capable of making a rational reasonable plan moving forward

“Get to grips” is a little harsh. 😂

Also we have an owlet we used when our son was a baby. Oxometers do not detect seizure activity.

As I said I am working on my anxiety and doing my best to balance this with parenthood. It isn’t easy at times but it is the reality at times unfortunately. I will always endeavour to stop this having an impact on my family wherever I can: trust me, if I could make it disappear I would. It’s truly hellish at times

Thanks xx

Yes but you presumably dont have a long running history of health anxiety. The OP’s DH is making a decision based on historical context and he is probably correct about not pandering to the health anxiety and the need to set boundaries. Same for all the people saying he should have had
more empathy and worded it gentler - I expect there is a a lot of history that resulting in the need for him to be blunt and to the point. OP herself is being a bit disingenuous in pitching this as an isolated incident when the history of health anxiety is paramount in guiding actions of both her and her DH.

Eh? Pregnancy makes you extra tired.

Health anxiety is a form of OCD. A mental health condition that is debilitating and linked a persons ability to rationalise risk. It often happens when a persons brain (subconscious) processes something that has happened in the past and programmes itself to think in an extreme way in order to attempt to keep itself safe from harm. A basic mammalian level response of any living thing is to try to keep itself safe and alive. In this case is misplaced but not at a conscious level. It is not related to if a person has a brain or intelligence level. 😂 Gosh.

Would you have honestly slept if he said he would watch the child? Would it have actually been good enough would you have deep down truly believed he would be watching him as well as you?

Personally I as mum would have just set a few alarms to get up and check on him. We used the sensor pads with ours where babies but obviously didn’t co sleep id have nightmares of rolling over and squishing baby while pregnant so was a no go. Dh would highly likely of set a couple himself his the one actually first aid trained. But I must admit when the children are sick I still want to check them myself even if he just has 🤷🏻‍♀️ like my brain just goes I need to see them with my own eyes safely.

Yes I would have. That was all I felt I needed to get a couple of undisturbed hours and then take over from there.

As stated in response to someone above I did set alarms in the end through the whole night at regular intervals…whilst my husband relaxed in front of the tv and slept like a baby! 🫠

I think your dh was selfish @Alwaystalkingaboutpoo and using your health anxiety as an excuse.
It would be understandable if you were a week or two down the line but the first night after a seizure of course you’re going to be anxious.
My dh would have been the first to stay with our ds.
When ds was a teen and got drunk my dh stayed with him all night to chk he didn’t vomit in his sleep.

Thankyou. I guess being overly anxious about a child in this situation feels ridiculous to some. Probably as ridiculous it feels to me to just got to sleep and not worry at all! People are so different I guess.

The thing is, we don't know what your husband has been through with your health anxiety. Would a one off have been enough, honestly?

Leave him with the bairn, go and have a lie down for a few hours. You need your kip, especially if you're growing a new human.

I'm sorry you're struggling, it sounds really tough.

I think your health anxiety is clouding things a lot here - if you have a history of worrying about everything, I can understand why your DH doesn't feel the need to "pander" to you. I also agree with him that if your child needed constant supervision, you would have been kept in for observations.

However I also think that if I was in your shoes, I'd be worried too and wouldn't want to leave my 3yo unsupervised for any extended period of time. I don't think you were wrong in wanting his support but I do think your background of anxiety is the reason why didn't want to.