Husband refused to help

[Alwaystalkingaboutpoo]

Hi, for context I have bad health anxiety so worry a lot about my 3 year old child especially when unwell. Recently he had a suspected episode which an ambulance was called as it was unclear if he’d had a seizure or fainted etc. We were taken to hospital where drs said they couldn’t pin point the cause/exactly what had happened but all obs were fine so he was referred to ‘first fit’ clinic as a precaution.

My question is related to my husband being unwilling to help watch my son overnight for a few hours so I could rest without worrying about him in case he had another ‘episode’. I co-sleep with him and was very worried that he would have an episode in the night so I was struggling to sleep at all. I asked my husband if he could come and watch him for a few hours so I could rest knowing he was being watched over. That was still early evening (9pm ish) so I knew my husband would be up til at least midnight. I am pregnant so I go to bed early and I was also exhausted from the stress of the day. He refused as he said he isn’t going to pander to my health anxiety and watch a child that doesn’t need watching and lose his own sleep/time out. He felt reassured by drs and didn’t believe he was going to have another episode again and said even if he did I could just call him on the phone to come and help.

AIBU to have asked him to help me in this?

I am hurt that he didn’t see my need for a rest from the stress of it and struggle with health anxiety as reason enough to help me, regardless of the fact my son may or may not have another episode. He says he has ‘boundaries’ when it comes to how he will support me and would not pander to it if it meant he had to sit a watch a child sleep when ‘it wasn’t necessary’. I think that’s cold and hurtful.

My son went on to have another episode the following day which has helped drs to pin point that it isn’t likely to be seizures but he is still under investigation as to what is happening.

Also please don’t think that is a judgy comment!! More concern for your mental wellbeing 🥰

Hi op,

i see your point and ultimately I think he could really have given you some rest but then again he doesn’t have to if it is solely anxiety related…
maybe you think you don’t ask that much but obviously he does and you can’t level his love and appreciation to what he is willing to endure for your anxiety. That would be very « destructive »…

Like everything relationship related, it is the little things added…and we don’t really know how much of these little things are pilling up on his plate, from his point of view.

Good luck! I hope you both find some compromise. Just wanted to add that Your anxiety level seems quite normal for where you are so just watch it and try to releave it but not through your hubby 👏🏼🌺

Can't believe the heartless comments on here. Husband should be helping her to rest, of COURSE she was worried after the event anyone with normal feelings would be. And exhausted, and pregnant? All he had to do was sit on the bed!! Come on.

I’m shocked at some of the comments here. He absolutely should have stayed up and watched him if he was going to be up anyway so the OP could get some much needed rest. Yes the doctor may have said that he was fine but they didn’t know the cause of the issues at that point so how can you be sure he was going to be fine all night, at least whilst the husband is awake the OP can be reassured for that period of time.

As someone who suffers with health anxiety, I totally understand the value of this strategy in the long term. But in the short term he's just being a complete cunt.
Because his refusing to help her only means one thing; she's not going to sleep .... for days. I've been there (not with the same health issue, but others..) And right now she's pregnant too. If he refuses to help her access sleep (which, incidentally, will help to resent her mindset and find a more rational response) now then when will he?

I can’t believe the heartless comments on here. It’s awful.

You are definitely not being unreasonable at all in my opinion. I don’t suffer from anxiety but I absolutely wouldn’t want my son alone the night after that either. I think your husband was way out of order here, it doesn’t take much to sit in your sons bedroom and watch something on his phone so you could rest. The fact that he wasn’t concerned is shocking to me.

Also cosleeping with two is totally possible and safe. I don’t see why people think they should be giving their opinions on this, it’s up to you what you do. The person commenting earlier about you cosleeping away from your husband and how wrong it is… seriously?! We still cosleep with our 4 year old (I did it til he was two and he now sleeps with my husband).

Hope you and your son are ok

I think the health anxiety is actually muddying the waters here. I don't think it's an anxious reaction to want to check on your DC after something like that. I would also want to do that. Another parent said that they slept on their DC's floor for months during seizure investigations.

I think your DH is responding as if you are massively overreacting, but I don't think you are. Also, I think that you doing all of the checking is essentially letting him opt out of that worry and parenting work. I think he's being hugely unreasonable.

She didn’t ask your opinion on cosleeping did she, so why are you going off about it.

Cosleeping isn’t just done with people who have health anxiety… our family also does this as it makes sleeping easier as the baby/child feels safe and so doesn’t wake up crying so much. I slept better co sleeping than transferring my son to a cot. It’s safe if done correctly.

I don’t have health anxiety but I would done the same as you. Your child had an unexplained seizure/fit, perfectly reasonable for you to want someone to watch over him during the night in case it happened again. Your husband is BVU, he was going to be awake anyway during those hours, why would he not sit with his child to make sure he’s ok

I think you need to manage your anxiety. Of course you would like your DP to do things your way to achieve that but I think yabu to expect him to go over the top to watch your DC.

What on earth is this "health anxiety". You know you will project your issues onto your kids & your issues will become their issues. Have you sought therapy for this?

FYI, I'm not trying to be unkind, but I speak from experience. My cousin is a hypochondriac, has anxiety, depression, you name it.... unfortunately her 16 yr old is now exactly the same. Kids mimic their parents.

Set up a baby monitor so you can hear your son (or DH can). That should be plenty. He is probably trying to be "helpful" by not consenting to support what is probably an overreaction on your part.

Honestly though... I find I wake up and then hear the seizure. It's like a weird inbuilt instinct. I was once away in hospital and woke up in the night knowing my son was ill. When DH rang me in the morning it was to tell me that son had vomited all over his loft bed... He'd slept through it but it was the time I'd woken up in hospital 😂. Luckily vomit-covered son shouted enough to wake Dad...

I got I read back you can see I have had years of counselling and support for my “health anxiety” (and also explained in detail to someone what exactly it is if your interested!) I also updated to say I am also seeking counselling to help through this particular event. But thanks for your ‘concern’. You clearly have zero experience of or sympathy for mental health conditions. Of course I do my very best to shield my child from it but no one can stop mental health illnesses as much as if I was diabetic and could control my blood sugar because it affected my family. We can only do our best and seek as much help as possible.

It sounds as though your DH might well be struggling with his own MH.

With DC1 and DC2 on the way, plus health concerns including your own plus co-sleeping he might be overloaded. You’ve all got a lot going on there. Hoping it eases sooner rather than later for you xx

Being fair to both of you and with respect, your son being investigated but them not being sure what is going on isnt terribly reassuring and for the first night after such a trauma (and that is a trauma if you think your child has had a seizure) i can totally understand you being sick with worry, i would have thought many mums would be?!?
BUT you are a plus and he is a minus and you will need to meet eachother somewhere in the middle. My husband is very laid back and that drove me bananas when my kids were small but now I see the brilliance in it as he really helps bring me to balance when I need it.
The only thing is I believe that he absolutely took the wrong time to dig his heels in, he should have supported you on that evening. I can imagine he is stressed too and just reacting out of that stress.
When things are smoother, maybe try having a good talk and in the kindest way, maybe find some talking therapy because if you don't have to spend your life with unnecessary worry, why do so. You will miss time with your children x x

YANBU why are you with a man who doesn't care about you or his child and you're pregnant again by him.

Raise the bar. Get out of this relationship, you will never be happy.

I’ve never heard of health anxiety before. Is it the same thing as Münchausen’s syndrome?

Sounds like your husband refuses to enable your anxieties. However rational they seem to you and however cold he seems to you please do not forget that ypu are seeing everything through the lense of anxiety.
With a newborn on the way and your current illness. I think you could work on a sleep plan that priorities rest for yourself, your son and your husband.
Your toddler will take question from you , ie it is safe to sleep away from you. Sibl8ng jealousy is real and unless you want to spend the next several years sleep deprived and exhausted maybe start before the baby arrives then the toddler won't resent the baby.
It won't be easy so maybe you can enlist grandparents in this. There will be tears and unless your tiddler has a medical condition they will be fine to scream !!
Toddler tantrums involve erratic breathing, breath holding and are designed to break.your heart and get them.their own way.
I'm probably coming across as old fashioned and heartless but with the new baby you need to do something now !

Not remotely, no. It used to be called hypochondria but it was generally misused & underplayed how significant a disorder it is.

It's an obsession that there's something or many things wrong with you (not others). It's incredibly frightening & a horrible thing to live with. Generally requires therapy and/or medication

Why are people so quick to label others as bastards or pricks, especially when they don’t even know them? Is it really necessary to be so rude? Some really unhelpful twats on here.