Husband refused to help

[Alwaystalkingaboutpoo]

Hi, for context I have bad health anxiety so worry a lot about my 3 year old child especially when unwell. Recently he had a suspected episode which an ambulance was called as it was unclear if he’d had a seizure or fainted etc. We were taken to hospital where drs said they couldn’t pin point the cause/exactly what had happened but all obs were fine so he was referred to ‘first fit’ clinic as a precaution.

My question is related to my husband being unwilling to help watch my son overnight for a few hours so I could rest without worrying about him in case he had another ‘episode’. I co-sleep with him and was very worried that he would have an episode in the night so I was struggling to sleep at all. I asked my husband if he could come and watch him for a few hours so I could rest knowing he was being watched over. That was still early evening (9pm ish) so I knew my husband would be up til at least midnight. I am pregnant so I go to bed early and I was also exhausted from the stress of the day. He refused as he said he isn’t going to pander to my health anxiety and watch a child that doesn’t need watching and lose his own sleep/time out. He felt reassured by drs and didn’t believe he was going to have another episode again and said even if he did I could just call him on the phone to come and help.

AIBU to have asked him to help me in this?

I am hurt that he didn’t see my need for a rest from the stress of it and struggle with health anxiety as reason enough to help me, regardless of the fact my son may or may not have another episode. He says he has ‘boundaries’ when it comes to how he will support me and would not pander to it if it meant he had to sit a watch a child sleep when ‘it wasn’t necessary’. I think that’s cold and hurtful.

My son went on to have another episode the following day which has helped drs to pin point that it isn’t likely to be seizures but he is still under investigation as to what is happening.

hard to know depending on how the diagnosis and situation evolved. This is not a situation we have been in before with a potentially very scary condition being assessed for and a traumatic experience that day. But he has occasionally watched him when he was younger and unwell for me before to catch up on some sleep and it certainly didn’t become the norm. Just a one off night.

Some peculiar replies imo. OP - I think your health anxiety is separate to his particular issue with your little one, this instance just sounds like mum behaviour & your desire to watch him after a day in hospital is not strange at all. I suspect your mentioning health anxiety is what's caused the negativity & lack of sympathy both here & from your husband - who I think was in the wrong here. You justified something with your HA that's actually normal & he's then used it as an excuse to not help.

Largely ppl have ZERO sympathy for it vs social anxiety or generalised anxiety & use words like 'pander' which is really bloody offensive. If someone was having a full blown panic attack should we all stand around declaring 'no one pander to them! It's all in their heads & rather pathetic!', of course not. It's a disorder & can be debilitating cos it reaches far beyond 'worrying a bit' about health.

But! I do think this was a case of normal mum-fear which we are generally wired to have.

Hi op. Sorry to hear your son hasn't been well. I don't think this is a post for aibu because there's two sides here and both have valid points. Wanting to watch your child after they've been ill is something maybe lots of us would do even where we have no anxiety issues. I don't think it was too much of an ask, of your husband especially as you are pregnant and I think the delivery of his point is harsh. I understand if he doesn't want to encourage your health anxiety but he could have explained this to you in a kind way and maybe tried to find a compromise with you. I doubt your health anxiety will be fixed with your hubby being harsh and maybe you need to speak to your doctor about this to get the correct support. Remember some anxiety around our children's health is common and doesn't mean you have health anxiety but if it's something that's consuming you more then it should then go and get help. As for your husbands 'boundaries' being supportive and kind isn't about a boundary, it's a given and it's great that's he's learned such a fancy word to throw at you to justify cold behaviour but he needs to think again if he thinks this is how he's going to help you work through everything. Op give yourself permission to relax. Your husband is valid about not wanting to encourage you to be stressed but he certainly needs to say it in a better way.
Good luck and all the best.

Highly recommend a Tapo camera. Can get them off amazon, they're pretty cheap. Connect to an app on your phone, it can pick up motion detection, you can set the sensitivity and the length of time for the motion, you will get a notification once it detects something, can use an SD card and download any recordings. My son has drug resistant epilepsy and I've used the camera for 4 years now. Helps me get a bit of sleep. Hopefully your sons episode was a one off but I fully sympathise with your anxiety over it happening again. I still get that now 4 years later. I slept on my sons floor every night for months until we got the camera. I also use a smart watch to monitor his heart rate, it increases greatly during seizures and I'll also get a notification of that. The camera is great because it records automatically when it detects movement so you don't need to worry about trying to take a video in time. Big hugs, hope you get to the bottom of things and hope your DH is a bit more understanding in time.

Sorry to be defensive but I defend my family dynamic and don’t welcome strangers commenting generally about whether I generally understand my husbands viewpoint and how me operate in other areas.

@Alwaystalkingaboutpoo If you don't welcome strangers commenting about your family dynamic then why did you post a question about it on mumsnet? You must surely realise that on AIBU posters will generally look at the wider picture, not just the specific episode you are describing.

I can't help wondering if your cosleeping arrangement has arisen due to your anxiety rather than any other reason. In an earlier post you said:
Cosleeping with my first was not planned but has evolved after many sleepless nights and now it suits us all very well.

Suits all of you? Really? How long do you think you will keep doing this?

Absolutely this. I would advise you to start treading more carefully OP. You are not the only person in your marriage.

All things considered, I think your DH is a selfish bellend for not falling over himself to "pander" to you at this time.
I'm appalled that so many posters are "team DH".
Three year olds having undiagnosed seizures absolutely do need a bit of extra monitoring, and pregnant women with hyperemesis absolutely do need support to get whatever sleep they can.
My 2 year old was blue lighted to hospital when I was in full hyperemesis nightmare with our youngest. DH was the one by his side for 6 days in intensive care, and when he got home nothing was too much when it came to looking after us all. And my DH is a self confessed "lazy bastard" at times!
I'd be hurt beyond hurt to be treated like this at such a scary and vulnerable time.

I’m with your husband on this too

anxiety is horrible. I get that. It is horrible to live with. I’m anxious often myself and it’s really not nice at all. It’s very stressful and it’s exhausting

if the professionals have not told you that you need to keep watch your husband is right. Regardless of how tired you feel or how pregnant you are. You need to work out a way to deal with your anxiety better and get rest.

my wife has generalised anxiety disorder and it makes life very difficult for both of us

i have to set boundaries when i say a strong no to her when i think she is using me as a crutch for her anxiety and it’s making my life difficult and unhappy.

When i do this she will often say I’m not being kind, which is completely not the case, however what usually happens is her anxiety reduces over the following day

It’s enough for one of us to be ruled by her anxieties. I don’t want my life and my children’s life to also be limited by her anxiety. Especially as she hasn’t really tried to address it herself

i suggest you get some CBT off a specialist CBT therapist. Not a generalist who says they do a bit of CBT. Properly practised CBT is excellent for anxiety. Highly effective

It’s interesting how this has become more about cosleeping than anything else! Cosleeping always seems to get people’s backs up. I was asking if my husband was unreasonable to not wish ti help with my toddler. Not whether he’s happy with co-sleeping or generally unhappy in the marriage! Blimey!

But I’ll pass on your concerns to him and see if he wants to chat to find out what he feels! 😅

Thanks for the comments! I raised it again this morning as it was playing on my mind and felt resentful, we had a more general chat about my anxiety. He apologised for not helping and explained he was very tired also and should’ve been more kind about things and phrased it better. I have offered to seek some further support, especially during this particularly difficult period when we watch and wait. So all is well and understand each other better. Thanks for the persecutive, kind worlds about our son and hand holds from those who recognised the difficult nature of health anxiety. ❤️

Oh, this is so kind of you to recommended and sounds great! I’m so sorry you have been through something like this. This sounds extremely difficult for anyone and you are amazing to handle this. I hope your son is stable and you have found a way of managing the stress and worry, as much as that must feel impossible. I will definitely looks into the camera! Thanks so much 🤗

Actually I wasn't referring to the co sleeping, I was speaking in general terms. Your posts are totally absorbed in your wants and needs with zero thoughts towards your DH. I realise that you're probably totally unaware of this though.

Get that you're worried but you can't watch him asleep forever and I guess dp doesn't want to say yes once incase it becomes a new/regular thing

You saying you are trying to get a hold of your anxiety and that's good. This can't be a one off hill he's preparing to die on though - what other examples are there? Clearly it's not just this one

I think yabu and your husband is right in that this is health anxiety. Your child could have this happen again literally at any time. There is no need to sit and a watch him like a hawk like that.

But your husband should have offered to keep going in and checking in the child.

I sympathise though as I also have anxiety and it can be very hard to deal with.

Also the negative co-sleeping comments make my eye roll. We co-slept for 5 years and it was great for everyone in my family including husband who was a big supporter of it.

Hope your OK op. Your illness sounds horrible to have to deal with in regards to children eapecially when a child takes a turn. The worry you have to go throguh onto of a mothers norm love must feel disabling at times. So all credit for battling that each day.
The incident with your child must have made all thise fears heightened last night. A relapse pending. But try to keep all those re affirming thoughts and thoughts not facts mantras going.
Your doing your best for your dc. Nothing you think or do over that will help. And he can't be sick with something just because your illness convinces you of it.
Keep ironing put all those kinks in your head. Ask yourself (add in someone you love or respect here) what wpuld so and so think. What would so and so assume here. If ypu can't quite trust your own rationale at this point try thinking of someone you trust.

And also then, if you went on the spiral of these fear thoughts, how will that end? How will that help? Take each a segment at a time. No what ifs or future arghhhhh! Just right now in each segmented moment how is this thoguht or fear going to help. And cpupd it possibly not be true. Does me and my core values beleive this to be true.

This illness like any other mental illness take support. It's takes a battle.and that needs love and support. It doesn't always work with tough bloody love for many. It takes a bit of give sometimes too! Especially in hard times and triggers, it takes compassion. Have that for yourself for now. Don't beat yourself up
That only adds to the guilt, fear, symtom cycle.

Alot of people atm have a deep set of stigmas and issues with what they see "anxiety" is. And it's a bit tiring tbh.

But don't be floored by that. Lots of people get it. And also do get how hard it is to support the absolutely fucking mad less that is the thoughts of someone suffering. But that doesn't mean you deserve less care and support.
If we could see inside the neurons fir8ng of dementia or of a brain tumour, see the exact cancer makeup, or the workings of a heart attack pathway, we'd think thst was unexplainable and hard to workout and rationalise too! But oooh no that irratipnal psychological anxiety.Well just stop it right?
Nah. It's an illness
And it's just as real.
And I'm sorry ypu had a hard night.
Keep going.x

I’m not sure either of you were in the wrong. What stands out to me is you failed to recognise his needs. It was this is what my son and I need so you must do it as you’re just sitting in the living room and you sleep soundly.

in reality your husband was very tired, likely stressed, and sometimes one extra thing can be enough to break you. However your view was, I need this, my son needs this so you need to do it. Your needs don’t count, you have none, and you’re just there to support.

you also fail to recognise this isn’t a one off, it’s not the first time your anxiety has impacted him. You don’t give other examples but it’s clear this is an ongoing issue. And living with someone with mental Illness is very difficult . It makes an already difficult and stressful situation a lot harder.

on saying that though, I’d have been as anxious as you, and I have no anxiety issues,but as I don’t if I’d asked my husband I’d have expected him to step up , as you did,

marriages are based on compromise, and I think you can both benefit from trying to see the others view point. Particularly I’d advise you to understand your husband also has feelings and needs, and recognising that, will help communications and compromise

Get a camera so you can see child on your phoned. Good luck

I think most of the posters here are ignoring the fact that the child had another seizure the next day. He did need someone to watch over him. And a pregnant woman does need rest.

Sorry OP, may have misunderstood?
You wanted your husband to sit in your child’s room and watch them as they slept?

I think OP’s husband should have taken over that night. Though I am not sure how much you would have slept, can you trust him?

As an aside, I am interested at how people with health anxiety choose to co-sleep. A method that is considered dangerous to young babies, though there are ways to mitigate the risk and make it a bit less.

I suffer with health anxiety but my own health and nobody else’s. I drive myself round the bend on a daily but since hormone treatment for perimenopause, my anxiety had eased enormously. I think given your hormones are all over the place this will heighten your anxiety. My husband got to the point where he would be harsh with me and often told me a few home truths. At the time it was soul destroying but when you come out of the spiral and get a small moment of clarity, the comments made perfect sense. I get the worry, it’s exhausting and I really feel for you. My DH is a very logical thinking person and he became increasingly frustrated after 4 years of my worrying and my epic meltdowns and me not doing anything about it. Hope you can seek some kind of help or advice going forward because it is a never ending torture xxxx

That's where am confused, if he's co sleeping with op, and the dh was asked to watch him sleep, was he to sit and watch op and ds sleep?
@Alwaystalkingaboutpoo are you co sleeping in ds' room or is he in your and husbands bed?

As the adult child of a mother whose health anxiety turned into Munchausem by proxy - factitious disorder impressed on another - I sympathise with your husband. My mother’s every delusion was entertained by my grandmother and it led to me losing a large part of my hearing due to overmedication for imaginary ailments. When another person entertains your impressions, your fears turn into reality. I think it helps when one has health anxiety that the person closest to them does not entertain them. If you know yourself to be suffering from health anxiety then please seek help before you reach a point where you can no longer distinguish what’s delusion from what’s precaution.

I understand the anxiety around your children and empathise. I never knew anxiety like it until I had kids however it seems your anxiety is heightened and from reading your post I agree with your husband. I also know being pregnant will heighten your anxiety further.

Have you sought therapy surrounding this? I also noticed you have replied to almost every comment on this which more than likely won’t be helping anxiety either checking this etc.

I hope they get to the bottoms of what’s happened with your little one and hope he’s on the mend!!