Am I being dramatic to say I don’t want this much contact? At wits end

[re11]

My parents are lovely generally. They are early sixties and retired a few years. I hear from my mum constantly. A few times a day usually. This will be a text asking how the day way but then I may also get a text at lunchtime about my dd or something else. They want to meet twice a week and would probably meet more if I wasn’t working. We live close by so the travel isn’t an issue but I just want to be left alone sometimes.

AIBU to find this level of contact too much? I have a sibling but they are apparently ‘not good with their phone’ so are not bombarded as much as me. I have tried to say please can you dial back the messaging but it still happens. It’s honestly every day a few messages a day. Am I being a dick to feel so irritated? I know she’s just trying to be nice and she does have friends and interests so I don’t know where it comes from. I feel genuine anger when I see a text because I am so sick of seeing them!

Not dramatic at all. Are they using an app to message or just a normal text through the network? If it's WhatsApp for example you can archive the conversation and mute notifications. Normal text messages you might be able to find an app that blocks the use of certain apps during certain times.

Just don't look at them until the evening and don't respond every day. You'll get used to this after a while and she may get the message. Just visit once a week . You need to boundaries in now as it'll only get worse.

I would start having problems with my phone.

Oh I'm so sorry I have problems with my phone I didn't see your text.
Etc

Your sibling’s approach seems to be working! Maybe you need to start being ‘not good with your phone’!

You say you got a new phone and it's taking time to get used to it so you haven't been getting notifications? Might be enough to break the cycle then you could continue the slower pace of responding.

You'd lie🤔

Mute them and don't reply for a few hours.

This, or just become 'not good with your phone' like your sibling! If you've asked them to dial it back and they haven't I think it's fine to step back yourself and just be less available/responsive and more 'busy'.

I wouldn't lie, just say you are working on not being distracted by your phone all the time, and will check messages in the evening.

Honestly the thing to work on here is your reaction to it. It's the only thing you can control. It sounds suffocating.

Put them on mute, having warned them you're having phone issues and to call the landline if it's an emergency only. Or partner's phone. But ensure it's framed as a "if you're in an ambulance and need me to get to hospital".

Or don't even do that. People lived for many years without instant contact.

Just mute them for a day to begin with. Then 2. Then 3. Until you're comfortable and they've stopped the initial hysterical reaction you'll get to begin with. You'll probably look at 10 missed calls and 20 texts at the end of the first day.

Don't give into the resulting drama and do NOT apologise - laugh and trivialise their unreasonable reaction. "Wow! I told you I'm having phone issues, what on earth happened in 9 hours that you urgently needed me while I'm at work?!"

What would they do if you were a GP who can't look at their personal phone during clinics? Or a security officer who has to lock personal phones in a locker at shift start etc?!

You also need to clamp down on any control they have on their Comms tools of choice - turn off read notifications and online status if it's on what's app or Facebook etc

The problem is if I don’t reply after a few hours I get calls and texts saying she’s worried as I usually reply!!

It makes me so stressed

I think you’re being a bit mean. A text takes 2mins. One day your mum will be gone and I guarantee you’ll miss every single message you don’t receive. Be grateful they want to be in your life and love you - try and picture your daughter being irritated by any contact she has from you and readjust your thinking

@OrangeFurever I know and I feel bad for feeling this way. I do think I wouldn’t bombard my daughter this much though!

A few texts a day is hardly a massive burden. I text friends that much and it literally takes minutes.

Op, you're training them to believe this level of contact is healthy and mutually wanted.

@OrangeFurever that's ridiculous. My mum's dead and I miss her but if she'd subjected me to daily trivial constant contact that would have really stretched and tested the love. I don't miss the opportunity to exchange minor expected texts. Genuine affection and bonding doesn't involve huge daily levels of "obligation" texts.

I don’t think a couple of texts a day is “bombarding you”.

So you get 2/3 texts day? I sometimes get triple that from my mum, takes seconds to reply, makes her feel involved. I really dont see the issue. You'll be sorry when she's gone and you dont get those texts anymore!

So you tell them that the boss is clamping down on personal phones at work and you will check for messages when you get home.... and put them on mute. Then she wont have to worry about not hearing from you!

Then once they are used to that, miss a day.... build up... you are busy, you have a life of your own.

Boundaries... even with relatives.... boundaries.

Short, one word replies.

Mute.

Say you're busy you'll call / message when you're free (and don't be free)

What do your parents do with their time?

This is good.

You text your friends a few times a day?!

Be honest in advance so that you can wean her off needing you but without worrying her.

“Next week I have a really busy week at work and will not be able to answer my messages straight away”.

If she does panic - “remember, I told you I was busy at work, so that you wouldn't worry”.

Lengthen slowly the time it takes you to respond.

Repeat until you get to something that works for you.

If you want to have less contact you’re going to have to respond less and go through the awkward “are you ok / I’m worried” stage by leaving it a few hours or whatever and then breezily saying yeah I’m fine. That’s the only way they’ll get the message.

Yanbu, that would drive me insane.

Agree with suggestions re: muting the calls.