Am I being dramatic to say I don’t want this much contact? At wits end

[re11]

My parents are lovely generally. They are early sixties and retired a few years. I hear from my mum constantly. A few times a day usually. This will be a text asking how the day way but then I may also get a text at lunchtime about my dd or something else. They want to meet twice a week and would probably meet more if I wasn’t working. We live close by so the travel isn’t an issue but I just want to be left alone sometimes.

AIBU to find this level of contact too much? I have a sibling but they are apparently ‘not good with their phone’ so are not bombarded as much as me. I have tried to say please can you dial back the messaging but it still happens. It’s honestly every day a few messages a day. Am I being a dick to feel so irritated? I know she’s just trying to be nice and she does have friends and interests so I don’t know where it comes from. I feel genuine anger when I see a text because I am so sick of seeing them!

This is the way to go.

You could add in that you are going to take this opportunity to detox SM wise.

I used to have this with my MIL. The final straw where I couldn't do it anymore was 14 messages before 10am when I was trying to get out of the house with a toddler and baby. I had to be mean and just reply less. I didn't ever say to her I just stopped replying as much. They did drop off. I think my sil bears the brunt now! I now have a couple of messages a week

I don't even understand what she would have to text you about if she already sees you twice a week, is she someone that indulges in banal small talk?

Just say sorry mum but I'm starting to find it too much can you stick to one a day please.

Speaking as someone who lost their mum many years ago (before mobiles!) I hate that response

'Put up with it because you'll be sorry later'

No, you won't. You can have a perfectly normal relationship communicating a few times a week not a few times daily

And then some!

Parents are taking the piss.

This is not true for everyone, even if they're close

I know it sounds hard- but be honest and say its too much.
Explain you need quiet time due to work pressures etc and if you have more time alone will be happier.
Set a phone date time 2xweek and coffee date once a fortnight.
Use that time to speak to them about what other hobbies or interests they are developing to manage their loneliness e.g. fitness classes, charity shop or food bank volunteering - as this is their time to build a new life and connections in the youthful part of their retirement.
Also, your sibling is being by nasty ignoring them and leaving it all to you/ in your shoes this behaviour is what would be making me angry.

We set up a family WhatsApp which anyone can dip in and out of and it does the trick.

Manage expectations. Decide how often you want to respond (by text) and tell her you’ll respond that often and call her once a week.

a - be honest
b - tell her to get a job if she's so bored that she's messaging you all the time

And as someone with 2 deceased parents I find the 'you'll be sorry one day' posts Very Offensive. I loved my parents but I'm not crying like an idiot that I'm not getting messages from them every 2 minutes. That would have done my head in.

Tell them you've decided to stop being on your phone as much because you've read an article about how bad it is to constantly be addicted to scrolling on your phone or something.

"hi mum, I'm really busy this week so I'm only gonna be checking my phone for messages in the evenings - just warning you so that you don't worry. Looking forward to catching up on Saturday."

Yeah, l mean everyone we know will be dead at some point. It's not a reason to put up with unwanted levels of communication.

Reply to one 'sorry really busy today will check in tomorrow' then ignore the rest and do a reply the next day? Start to slowly do that more and more, until you can get away with not saying it and just not replying and she assumes you're busy as you don't reply straight away anymore

I have a sibling but they are apparently ‘not good with their phone’ so are not bombarded as much as me. 👀
Sounds like your sibling has managed to put some boundaries in place there, so clearly it can be done!

Be less good with the phone.

I couldn’t stand this level of contact from anyone!

You’re not the only one! I live on the other side of the world from my adult children, I miss them and I thought it was showing them I love them though my DS has recently made it clear he does not want to hear from me every day & I feel sad but am respecting his wishes.

OP I feel you pain and my advice is to get a hold on this issue now as it will only get worse as they age. My parents are mid 70s and I wish I had put better boundaries in place decades ago.

My parents would both ring me a couple of times a day and expect visits a couple of times in a week. I said I couldn't take calls during work so would get calls from my man every day at lunch and at 5pm from my dad when he expects I have finished work.

Like you in the beginning when I started to ignore the texts/calls, I would get more checking I was ok. When they did this I would explain I was busy with work/children etc and was not able to reply instantly. Over time they accepted this.

I was no ok with the level of contact they wanted because both my parents are so negative and I would be emotionally drained afterwards.

Please ignore the guilt tripping messages about how you will feel when they are dead. I know for my part I will be sad but also relieved as they have such a negative effect on me.

@OrangeFurever @annieloulou stop with the guilt tripping. Guess what? We are all going to die one day. Does that mean that none of us should ever ask those around us to be more considerate or change behaviour that is causing us stress because they will die one day? Don't be ridiculous.

Make it not personal to them, maybe?

Say you're putting your phone on silent in your bag at work because otherwise it bings away constantly with messages from your hobby group, best friend, dog sitter, hairdresser, ex workmate's hen party planning group, your other hobby group, etc etc.

'...oh & you, mum, to be fair! Haha...!'

Say you're only checking your phone quickly at lunch times.

Then for the next week, send one quick breezy reply AT lunchtime to confirm you aren't dead & will get back to them that evening.

Week two, make it a thumb's up emoji...

Hopefully by week three, they'll have realised they'll only really get an interaction if they message/call when it's convenient?

All I can say is I am glad you aren’t my kids
actually sounds so horrible 🙈

I would never impose the level of dependency on my children that my parents have on me. My sister and I have been used as emotional crutches for our parents all our lives, particularly me as the eldest.
I want my children to live independent lives and not feel they have responsibility for my happiness. Both my husband and I have said we would go into nursing homes rather that ask our children to mind us. I want them free from that responsibility. Occasional visits and messages would be lovely but I wouldn't expect daily contact.

Yes exactly this. She obviously just wants to keep in touch. Maybe explain that you will reply when you finish work/get a chance etc. and not feel that you have to reply immediately.

Reduce you responses - i.e. how are things from her? you reply All good - sorry busy. Keep responding short replies and it will be uncomfortable at first she might protest and moan but if you need space you are the only one who can enforce this. I hate to say it but your sibling is no doubt fibbing and laughing at the fact that they have already done this.

Why not just turn off notifications?

Why do you need to check in with people 2-3 times a day though? Unless there is a medical reason or it's reciprocal then you're being too much, tone it down.

Just because you're their parent doesn't entitle you to be so invasive, they're adults, with their own busy lives.