Am I being dramatic to say I don’t want this much contact? At wits end

[re11]

My parents are lovely generally. They are early sixties and retired a few years. I hear from my mum constantly. A few times a day usually. This will be a text asking how the day way but then I may also get a text at lunchtime about my dd or something else. They want to meet twice a week and would probably meet more if I wasn’t working. We live close by so the travel isn’t an issue but I just want to be left alone sometimes.

AIBU to find this level of contact too much? I have a sibling but they are apparently ‘not good with their phone’ so are not bombarded as much as me. I have tried to say please can you dial back the messaging but it still happens. It’s honestly every day a few messages a day. Am I being a dick to feel so irritated? I know she’s just trying to be nice and she does have friends and interests so I don’t know where it comes from. I feel genuine anger when I see a text because I am so sick of seeing them!

and this is the problem, you're replying.

manage her expectations by explicitly saying you'll reply to all messages at the end of the day/by the weekend/etc. and to not worry.

I have the same thing from my mum. If I don't respond, she messages or calls my dcs to check I'm not dead.

She doesn't do it to my siblings. One can't answer his phone at work, and the other one just ignores her for weeks at a time.

I'm trying to kindly put boundaries in place, and I have almost got it down to two calls a day, but some days it can be seven, or more if I don't answer and she gets in a state.

Yes, we text each other maybe three times a day.

Way too much. Stop answering all the messages, and let them know what's OK for you (eg one text or call per week).
Most people of their age are way too busy to be constantly hassling their adult kids!

My mum is like this , she’s archived/ muted and I open and reply when I can

Either my mum or dad will text me every day, and I see them at least 3 times a week. I lived away from them for a long time so it took some adjusting to being close by again, but honestly I just see it as lucky that I get to speak to them every day & spend so much time with them as I know they won’t be here forever. Sounds like your mum just wants to be involved in yours / your daughter’s life so don’t be too harsh on her!
Although I’m willing to accept I’m the anomaly because me & DH are actually in the process of buying a joint property with my parents, which I’m sure would be most people’s idea of hell 😂

This is sentimental nonsense. Stop trying to guilt trip the OP.

I spoke to my mum every day and saw her 3 or 4 times a week. She died 5 years ago. I miss her so much.

You are a bit mean, although I will say that I am an only child and my Mum was widowed at 56 so we were very close, probably closer than a lot of mums and daughters.

Try and think of it from her viewpoint and also how you will feel when she is gone because then you will realise what a gap it is in your life.

I would find this too much. I would text back “sorry I’m really busy today - speak later” then ignore subsequent messages.

Not being unreasonable at all.

Just don't answer the messages until the evening or longer.

When they mention coming to see you just say you're busy 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sometimes a white lie is less hurtful than the truth.

You feel what you feel. A compromise of one message a day and one visit a week seems acceptable to start with.

Do not feel bad or guilty about how you feel, you are a person and it is perfectly acceptable to want to address your feelings and try to resolve them.

Ignore the message and when she calls - decline it and text back 'busy at the moment, I'll message when I have chance' - then leave it until the next day.

Then message and say 'I'm busy with life at the moment, I'll message and call when I can - just don't panic if I don't answer if you message/call'.

It's great you were close to your mum - not all of us are, in fact I'm no contact with mine.

I get sick to death of the 'you'll regret it whens gone' etc - nope. Honestly won't.

Don't push your guilt tripping crap on others.

Hate to point out he obvious... be honest? Hate to be dramatic but remember, some people no longer have parents. They, like me, would give anything to have constant messages. Be grateful.

Am I the only person that thinks this could be about them? I’m the kind of person that texts to “check in” a 2-3 times a day. It’s trying to start a conversation. In a world where I don’t see people very often my only contact is via text. It’s me showing I care and the person is on my mind but it’s also trying not to be lonely and maintain a connection. I always worry I bother people by texting and I think the consensus from here is that this kind of thing is annoying

Stop using that as a guilt trip - not all of us are close to our parents - you were - good for you.

I couldn't care less if mines alive or dead 🤷🏻‍♀️

Parents need to let their adult children have a life - go back tu work if your bored or volunteer - not pester your children.

Create a family chat instead.

Your mom needs a new hobby or activity. Seems like she isn't adjusting to retirement that well. I would do what others have said, sit her down and clearly thay you are doing a bit of a day time digital detox and won't be checking your phone till a specified time in the evening and then mute her messages/calls. You might have loads of missed calls and messages but that is her decision to keep contacting you after you've explained. It sounds like a habit she has got into that needs breaking. I think only being available to meet once a week is also fine. You can only control your behaviour. Not hers.

I wonder if there is a way to set up an auto reply saying “Hi Mum, alive but busy, will reply later xx”

Obvs an auto-response would still work if you were dead but maybe it’d take her a while to work that out, by which time she’s weaned off the constant interaction?

Don't believe the bollocks posts about "one day your mum will be dead." Ludicrous response.

Can you just not be honest? It sounds so suffocating.

Tell them you will talk to them once a week on the phone and see them once a week or afortnight?

There's no need to lie.

Just say I'm getting a bit overwhelmed with the amount that you message me...

but don't expect her to message you any less and then reply to her in the evening or even every other evening.

Then when she calls you all worried. Say I'm fine just because I don't reply doesn't mean there's anything wrong...I've already explained that I feel under pressure to reply quickly. And then continued until it all sinks in.

It's like ripping off a plaster it will be hard at first but then the pay off will be that you eventually don't feel harassed....either because she messages you less or that you feel more OK about not replying so quickly.

She needs more in her life and that will take time even if she's willing to change that.

Set up a voice message to say your busy and probably won'tbe able to respond to messages until the evening. Ignore texts until the evening.

Tell them that you won't be replying to texts all the time from now on because you're dialling down use of your phone, and expressly say that they don't need to phone you or panic if they don't get a reply, because your phone is overwhelming and you are taking time away from it.

Tell them your work has implemented new policies re mobile phone usage & you will no longer be able to respond during the day.
Therefore, as mornings are busy & rushed, you'll only respond during the evenings but remember DC do activities on Mon Wed & Thu and you go to gym/ book club/stitch & bitch Wed & Fri.
You're sorry it means they'll be less contact but you can't afford to loose your job & the change is because some people spend ages on their phones not working.